Archive for November, 2008

This Week’s Sign of the Apocalypse…

// November 30th, 2008 // 8 Comments » // Uncategorized

FWG is starting to broaden his horizons. We’re taking a hiatus from UConn Football (Pitt preview tomorrow). Which brings us to this week’s sign of the apocalypse:

The once proud tradition of Syracuse Athletics took another step towards irrelevance this week:

The SU Women’s basketball team lost to (brace yourselves) Alaska-Anchorage Seawolves. Who? Exactly. The good news is that Greg Robinson might not be so lonely in his departure from the Dome this year (You’re gonna live with me now…Yeah. I’m gonna take care of ya. C’ause I love ya). Quentin Hillsman (who was voted Big East Coach of the Year) dropped a nail-biter to the Seawolves. Only problem is, it’s the freaking Seawolves! A Division II school. And they’re from Alaska. And they’re named the Seawolves. What is a Seawolf? (See the creature to the right.) There is something wrong with the athletic universe. Notre Dame loses to ‘Cuse in football. ‘Cuse drops one to the Seawolves. And the FWG is under 275lbs. If we are to find even a shred of excellence or dignity in this entire situation, it is the intelligent and well thought-out remarks of Quentin Hillsman regarding the ladies’ loss to Alaska-Anchorage:
“If I had a do-over, I’d do the whole game over and then I could win the game.”
Well done, Q. Well done. I hope the ladies-Orange can go on and dominate the rest of their schedule. That way I never have to write about the Alaska-Anchorage Seawolves (although…it does kinda roll off the tongue, now doesn’t it?).

Turkey and Tom Selleck….

// November 28th, 2008 // 10 Comments » // Uncategorized

Great Thanksgiving. GREAT THANKSGIVING. I ate way too much (ladies and gentleman, please keep your hands and feet away from the chewing apparatus). However, the most interesting part of my Thanksgiving was not getting together with my family or watching football (C’mon Lions!).

Before I go on, I should say that my family never ceases to provide me with comedic material. Whether it is my grandpa who farts with reckless abandon without regard to anyone around him, or my sister who drives like the shoulder is another lane (Pacino in Scent of a Woman did better…yah he was blind). So for this to make the FWG Blog, it had to be able to top old man flatulence and poor driving etiquette.
Sure enough, my Aunt Cecelia did just that and raised the bar to new heights.

Being good Italian-Catholics her house is adorned with crosses in every room, but most importantly (especially to us Italians), the kitchen has its own little shrine (the patron saint of meatballs!).
The Blessed Mother:
St. Michael:

Angels: I mean….

St. Tom:

So just to clarify: my Aunt has a shrine to Virgin Mary, St. Michael, an Angel, and Magnum P.I.
I can’t make this up. Seriously. Look:

Not only that, I duped my Aunts into posing for a picture in front of it (under the guise of holiday cheer):

The best (worst?) part about this is that that picture has been there since about 1984. It’s yellowed over time. Which means Big Tom has looked over close to 25 Thanksgivings, about 10,000 dinners, and who knows how many latenight snacks. All with his knowing grin and dignified upper lip fur. Well done, Mr. Selleck. Instead of another religious picture or photos of friends and family, my Aunt has your picture. Which means you’re on the same level as Jesus (anyone that saw Three Men and a Baby should understand).

So now, the question begs to be answered:
What was a bigger star-turn for Selleck; my Aunt’s kitchen, or Playgirl?

You be the judge:
My family is awesome.
And I’m not sure the 80’s were kinder to another man.

Back in Upstate for the Turkey Break…

// November 26th, 2008 // 9 Comments » // Uncategorized

It’s always good to go home. Every time I return I feel like a rock star
(yes, channeling my inner Keith Richards–FWG goes heroin-chic)
….but more importantly it makes me appreciate the opportunity I am afforded being a college football player. No, not the free education (who needs that?) but the experiences that go along with the game. Traveling from city to city, playing on ESPN, gaining 50 lbs over the course of your career (these things happen).

I met up with a bunch of my high school buddies and we had a few beers (only water for the FWG…I swear) and it’s refreshing to know that no matter how big my head gets (it’s tough being a blogger) nothing is off limits to my friends.
Top comments for the night: “Jesus, Rob! You’re bald!” (thanks, Tim) “…you look less fat than the last time I saw you.” But I wish everyone could have those “keep you grounded” moments.

The other part about being home is that my friends are no longer in college (apparently the 5-year plan has eluded them), which is a painful, if not all too real reminder that my college days (college football days) are rapidly coming to an end. The FWG will save all his sappy college memoirs for a later post, but it’s a reminder to keep livin’ this dream ’til it’s done.
Alright enough of this before I get all choked up.

(I’m a bit verklempt)


Some Final Thoughts:

I hate to write an FWG disseration on individuals who dramatically use the word “DAMN” but I’m going to. So here is my open letter to these people:

Dear purveyors of the pseudo-urban vernacular: Please refrain from ever using the word “DAMN” in my presence to exclaim shock or amazement. (”Damn! Thats a huge cucumber.”) Enough is enough. Even worse still, when you decide to up the syllable ante, thereby taking “damn” and bastardizing it into “DAYYYYUMMMMM.” It makes you neither more intelligent nor trendy. In fact, recent studies have shown that “DAYUMM” didn’t even have its fifteen minutes of fame, but rather entered into the general speech like a wayward gene mutating an entire gene pool. If the rules of Darwinism have taught us anything, it’s time for “DAYUMM” to go the way of the Apodiformes (perhaps you’re more comfortable with a Dodo analogy?). Extinct birds aside, take this letter as a warning that the backside of my hand and further blog bashing awaits any and all who use this word incorrectly in their daily speech.
(I will now get off my soap box, and return to eating my emotions.)

I got sucked into watching Dancing with the Stars tonight. Didn’t hate it. However, I can’t tell whether I was more impressed with Warren Sapp’s dance moves or his outfit (Ruffles? Really, Warren?). I imagine the attraction to watching this is the same reason people go see the leaning tower of Pisa: Anticipating its fall. Only it isn’t a well regarded piece of architectural engineering. It’s a 300-lb black man parading around a dance floor in a too-small-not-to-hurt outfit….anticipating his fall.

That’s all for now; with all the calories to be consumed this week, rest assured I’ll be checking in often.

UConn Loses to USF …(FWG Overeats)

// November 24th, 2008 // 10 Comments » // Uncategorized

Arrival on campus: 5:05am.

It’s now two o’clock in the afternoon and I feel like a tiny gnome is swinging a pick-ax in my skull. Probably the combination of the flight, Tylenol-PM, and 5am McDonalds (2 egg McMuffins and a McSkillet burrito… mmm, cholesterol). I probably should stop talking about my late night (early morning?) dining experiences and address the loss to USF.

This is a first for the FWG, but I won’t break down the game by offense, defense, and special teams. I simply want to point out that in a game between two similarly talented teams, the team that makes the least mistakes will usually win. On Sunday night in Tampa, that team was South Florida. We battled it out in all phases but came up short.
The post-game locker room was a weird place. There was a thick “we-coulda-won-this” hanging in the air. When you play a game badly and lose, you get upset because you know that it wasn’t “your best game” and that you “can play better.” But there is something entirely different when you leave it all out on the field, and come up short. The game being decided by a few penalties, big plays, or a turnover.
Letting games get away from you that you should have won (cough-Rutgers-cough) is different from battling it out until the final seconds and coming up short. Of course the end result is the same and the truth is I’m not sure which one hurts less. Losing sucks (how articulate). But all we can do now is enjoy some Turkey (perhaps a Tur-duck-en?), get healthy, and come out swinging against PITT. Coach Orlando said it best, “We are truly a small margin away from making the turn from a “great defense” to an “elite one.” Thats all, now some:

Final Thoughts:

Respect-a-bull” campaign featuring Jim Levitt? Is their fan base really so bad they need a seminar on good sportsmanship during every TV timeout? In later news, Michael Jackson is now the spokesperson for the Ronald McDonald House.

I don’t want to sound bitter (but I’m going to sound bitter), but the USF fan base was on par with the turnout for Temple game.

That being said, I need to give props to their dedicated student section. Love their enthusiasm (and body paint).

The Grand Hyatt is the greatest hotel I’ve ever stayed at (sorry, Days Inn). Food, service, and people all outstanding.

The residents of Florida have finally had enough of toothlessness and lung disease (I know this from the terrible commercials every 5 minutes). Join the crusade at or fight the cause at (the FWG does not endorse either…take THAT NCAA).

Never thought I’d hear this while trying to block a field goal: “Hey 65!…LOVE YOUR BLOG.” Gave me the warm fuzzies all over.

FWG T-Shirts…coming soon!

Your Feel Good Moment of the Day…

// November 21st, 2008 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

A passionate FWG fan sent this to me. Thanks, Barry.

(Watch this story on “Outside the Lines” on Sunday at 9 a.m. ET on ESPN)

n 1958, the University of Buffalo football team won eight of nine regular-season games and was awarded the Lambert Cup as the best small-school program in the eastern United States. Team co-captains Nick Bottini and Lou Reale received the trophy during a Sunday night broadcast of “The Ed Sullivan Show” and dined that evening in Manhattan’s famous Toots Shor’s Restaurant.

Days later, the Bulls were invited to face Florida State in the 13th annual Tangerine Bowl in Orlando, Fla. — still the school’s only bowl bid in 102 years of football.

In anticipation of their trip south, players were measured for new sport coats at The Kleinhans Company in downtown Buffalo. But before fabric for the coats ever was cut, the university learned that the team’s two African-American players, starting halfback Willie Evans and reserve defensive end Mike Wilson, were not welcome in Orlando…..

(Continued CLICK-HERE)

SOUTH FLORIDA…(not just where people go to die)

// November 21st, 2008 // 12 Comments » // Uncategorized

The Huskies prepare to take a trip down South, to the land of swamps, retirees, and the 4 pm early-bird special. Apparently there will also be some football played on Sunday. Let’s take a look:

South Florida has come on strong since joining the Big East (ranked as high as #2 last year). They’ve struggled as of late, but I’m the last person to sleep on any team (check out the Syracuse post). Don’t let some hiccups in their schedule fool you, South Florida is a force to be reckoned with (insert South Florida hurricane analogy here).


One Word. Actually, two words….and three syllables. Matt Grothe (I’ll take, Does this Grothe look normal to you, Doctor? for 500, Alex). Clever puns aside, Grothe is a dual threat quarterback. Dare I compare him to Robert Griffin (oh I dare, yes…I dare). Griffin has the NCAA clocked speed but Grothe can burn. Point in case, Barwin from Cincy had him dead to rights on the USF ten yard line, 3rd and 14, and Grothe rips a 48 yarder making Barwin look less “great white hope” and more “great white joke.” I respect Grothe’s grit too, telling the media, “I’d play on one leg if I had to.” (As much chance as a one-legged man in an…never mind). Truth is Grothe and his stable of running backs are all moving behind the steam-rolling capabilities of their talented offensive line. On film their big-uglies are looking like two parts wrecking crew one part impenetrable wall (YOU! SHALL! NOT! PASS!). Anchored by the self described “biggest talker” Ryan Schmidt:

Apparently Ry (do you mind if I call you Ry?) Ry, has not only the gift of gab but also a mean streak that has “proved invaluable to the Bulls.” (He’s also in the running for FWG of the week). Expect a slug fest in the trenches.

Selvie, Selvie, Selvie (Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!). Emotional leader Moffitt gone, sack-master (haha) Selvie steps it up in a big way. While he does have some catching up to do with Cody Brown in sack totals this year, George Selvie is a major threat in a big way off the edge. Probably one of the best match ups in college football this year will be to see how OT Will Beatty battles Selvie in the pass game (that and how Dave Wandstat’s mustache holds up to the frigid cold in Cincinnati. Brrrrr).

Can DDB (Downtown Donny Brown–for the new comers) continue his streak of road-rashing (word?) opponents? This week will be an even greater test.
South Florida is a hot-bed of talented skill players. Their team represents a cross section of some of the finest. The height and speed of their receivers will present a tremendous challenge to our secondary (Reggie can’t help he’s only 4′6).

Its getting late (not post-time). Time for some…

Final Thoughts:

I’ve received some mixed reviews to my take on the Jeff Jacobs article in the Hartford Courant which called Coach Edsall “Coach Pinocchio.” Bottom line is this: It is exactly how I felt, about Coach and about the article. However, that being said, the picture comparing Jacobs to Vigo from Ghostbusters was out of line (I don’t wanna say sleezy, cause that’s not the word, but maybe…a tad irresponsible?-Wedding Crashers) The FWG is not about personal attacks, so my heartfelt apologies to Jeff.

As a corollary, go out and rent yourself Ghostbusters II, cinematic gold.

The FWG will be graduating in December and needs your help (no not on figuring out what size cap and gown to buy….XXXL). Email me some suggestions on trips you’ve taken that you liked: Emphasis on abroad and backpacking.

I need to give a shout out to some of my teammates who have felt left out on the blog. Bret Manning– a transfer from Springfield College (alma mater of the Henry “Uncle Hank” Hughes). B-Manning is a real spark plug and an inspiration to everyone in the weight room (nice delts).

Second is Nate Sherr. Despite the fact that Nate shamelessly hits on my girlfriend in front of me, he is an outstanding individual. One of the un-sung heroes on our team that grinds it out on scout team and is making a case to be a starting long-snapper. Again, a great guy. Just don’t ask him to say “car” or “Harvard”….trust me on this. (Pahhhhk the Cahhhh in the Hahhhhvad Yahhhhd). God, it’s annoying.

On May 16th my cousin, Christopher, will be receiving his confirmation. Despite the voices of reason he has asked me to be his sponsor. FWG: The Patron Saint of Pork Products. Can’t wait.

Speaking of which, I need a new “Headliner Graphic” so please send pictures or photo montages or anything else to I also need a slogan. The current front runner:

Where porkchops live.

Got something better?
Email me!

Coach Pinocchio…(The Ends Justify the Means)

// November 20th, 2008 // 16 Comments » // Uncategorized

I need to address the article in the Hartford Courant that calls Coach Edsall a liar, or more poignantly, “Coach Pinocchio.” Of course this was a reference to Coach hiding (from the media) the fact that Tyler Lorenzen would be our starting quarterback instead of Cody Endres or Zach Frazer. I’ll save the details of the article for you to read HERE, but in summary, Jeff Jacobs said that Coach Edsall could not be trusted to tell the truth nor be honest in any situation. He also said that Coach Edsall was wrong for using “misinformation” and that in doing so he cheated not only the fans of UConn football, but also the buyers/readers of the Hartford Courant who pay to “read the truth.”

First and foremost, let me say that Coach Edsall may be a state employee but he is hardly an elected official and therefore not endowed with the public trust. He doesn’t have a duty to anyone, except perhaps his players and his boss, athletic director Jeff Hathaway. College football at the Division I level is a competitive sport, where advantages and edges are gained through even the smallest of details.

I personally (as well as our defensive staff) have combed through hours of tape to try and find a glimpse of an opposing offense’s signals that might give the slightest advantage come game time. So why, in the name of all things relevant or sane, would Coach Edsall divulge that our injured starting quarterback was back from his injury and would start against Syracuse? This would present a major adjustment in game plan for an opposing team and certainly gave us an edge.

An unnamed source inside the Syracuse program confirms it: “Yeah, Tyler wasn’t even on our scouting report.” And yet Jacobs takes a personal shot at Edsall for being dishonest? Welcome to major college football, Jeff. I am sorry that your personal sensibilities were harmed by Coach Edsall not releasing that Tyler would be our starting quarterback. But whose interest would that serve? You claim that the fans of UConn football were done a disservice. I disagree completely.

If anything, it will make fans more adamant followers of UConn and college football in general. I personally think it makes the game more exciting. “Who will play this week? What will happen that wasn’t released in a press statement?” And yet you call Coach Edsall a liar.

I consider him the most honest man in college football. And that is from a point of view that matters most: one of his players. Whether I liked it or not, I have always known exactly where I stood with Coach, and I have also known exactly what he expected of me and so have my teammates.

Because Coach left out certain information (he didn’t lie) only upsets you because it affects your byline. There is no rule that insists on an injury report in the Big East so maybe your quarrel should have been an open letter to Mike Tranghese, but not a direct attack on Edsall.

I hardly read what the media has to say about UConn football (unless it’s on Runway Ramblings), but someone forwarded me the article and I got upset. Coach Edsall has done a tremendous job transitioning UConn football and building it into a power. If that comes at the expense of a little misdirection, then guess what? So be it. In this case, Edsall is the Machiavelli of the college football landscape. So YES, Jeff. The ends DO justify the means.

I now offer this:


ahhh tremendous.

South Florida post will be up shortly.

Squeeze the Juice…(Originality Not Intended)

// November 18th, 2008 // 6 Comments » // Uncategorized

Returned from the bitter cold and awful temperatures of Upstate New York, and back to the…bitter cold and awful temperatures of Eastern Connecticut (Welcome to UConn…the Arctic Campus). While my life as a football player (apparently north of the Arctic Circle) is approaching its conclusion, I cannot be distracted from my duties as a blogger. So, here’s the break down:

The ‘Cuse Game:
There is something to be said for going back home and winning. I personally had about 45 friends and family there (my own personal FWG cheering section). I also couldn’t be happier for our coaching staff (particularly the Syracuse alumni).


Syracuse: Greg Robinson was apparently still trying to “find his groove” (news flash, Greggy, if you haven’t found it after four years, it ain’t happenin’), rotating quarterbacks and running backs and trying to shove the football down our throats. The only problem with this “smash mouth” football is that if you concentrate so heavily on the run, all a defense has to do is win first down (forcing second and third and longs) and force a run-heavy team to pass. I’d say we did a pretty good job of this (3 picks).
I honestly felt bad for the Syracuse offensive line. They are some heavily recruited, talented seniors, who have known nothing but losing (something like 35 losses in 4 years). This may sound cliche, but when our defense got rolling (and roll it did), you could see it in their eyes, the look of “Not this, again.” Keep your chins up seniors, you’re the ones in the arena, the glory belongs to you.
UConn: If you haven’t heard by now, Tyler Lorenzen was/is our starting quarterback. A little deception by Coach Edsall never hurt anyone (but more on that later). Tyler knows how to win better than anyone I know, and he has some serious intangibles (no not that chiseled jaw, ladies). You can’t teach competitiveness and Ty has that in spades. And then there is Downtown Donny Brown (DDB). DDB had another 100+ yard day on the ground (132 yards on 31 carries…yah that just happened). Add that to our offensive line that was blocking and protecting solid all day and it’s a winning combination.

My many friends on Syracuse’s defense couldn’t find an answer for our running QB/RB threat. They forced a few bad decisions but nothing that wasn’t overcome by poise in the pocket.
UConn: I don’t know what more I can say about Cody Brown. He better be a lock for Big East Defensive player of the year (sorry Selvie). The kid will block your passes, sack your QB, tackle your running back, and do your laundry. Robert “Reggie” McClain takes another “pick-to-the-crib” (did you notice his Fat-White escort down the field?). Jasper “Jazz” Howard with another pick at the end of the game to seal the win; not the perfect game, but definitely firing on all cylinders.

Special Teams:
We got a punt blocked, we blocked one of theirs. I wont dwell (yes, I will).
In bigger news, Dave Teggart was named Big East Player of the Week. He is also currently tied for the school record in consecutive kicks (9 for 9); all I need to do is put him on the cover of Sports Illustrated and I will have successfully jinxed him. Good luck, Dave!

Some Final Thoughts:

After routing ‘Cuse like that, my Dad came up to me and said “Aren’t you glad you weren’t good enough to play for Syracuse”? (A little background: I grew up an hour away, I was offered, then un-offered, then offered again). I guess the answer is, Yes. I made the right choice with UConn (and you can too!). I want that program (Syracuse) to come back and become a big rivalry for UConn. Or at the very least for Jim Brown to get a new hat (bring your green hat…we’re going streaking!!). But I will carry the memory of winning in the Dome forever. I will also carry the memory of Coach Edsall tearing me a new one for the defensive holding call…

Defensive holding: What a load of crap. Toughen up offense (you just know it was some complaining O-Coordinator who initiated the rule change). O-Linemen have been doing this since the beginning of time. Seriously. I had a word with the official who threw the flag (who by the way, is an outstanding individual) and the exchange went something like this:
FWG: Come on’, was it at least close?
REF: Yeah, but I had to throw it, your other boys been doing it all game.
FWG: Yeah, I guess every good crook eventually gets caught.
REF: (laughter) Yes…. Just ask O.J.
FWG: Wow, Sir. Well played, well played.

Today the real champs at my future employer came to see me– no not Chippendales or McDonalds (good-bye dollar menu). That’s right, the fine folks from New England Sports Network (NESN). Look for a Fat White Guy Feature tomorrow night on NESN.
Speaking of Chippendales:

Also tune in shortly, as I address this article in the Hartford Courant:

End Doesn’t Justify Means

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — He plays the state media like some bumbling high school defense and makes no apologies for it. Randy Edsall uses deception, misdirection and, if all else fails, lies.
(to read the rest, Click Here)

Shortly: Short-ly (Sh-ore-teh-lee): in the near future, when I have time to write, edit, publish and insert multimedia into my posts.

Why are you over my shoulder?
Isn’t it about time Chandler (not bing)
did his close on this piece? Seriously.
It’s time to go. Please. Please. …Please

To tide you over…

// November 17th, 2008 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

‘Cuse post will be up shortly.
To tide you over…
(Your afternoon laugh)

The FWG Apologizes…..LET’S GET IT: ‘CUSE WEEK

// November 14th, 2008 // 14 Comments » // Uncategorized

(Please excuse spelling and grammar errors, in my haste I have had no time to edit.)

Ahhh its ‘Cuse week, that magical time of year when the fates align, the Big East trembles, and Jim Brown’s little hat gets a little greener. My sincerest apologies for not getting this out earlier in the week, but FWG has commitments (more on that in Final Thoughts).

So let’s break it down:


The Syracuse offense was a victim of its own creativity early on in the season, running too much, too soon, and not well enough. However, two things should be noted when evaluating their offensive production as well as what they’ve shown in terms of wins and losses:

  1. Their strength of schedule (something like the 7th hardest in college football)
  2. New offensive coordinator

However, in recent weeks they’ve seemed to figure it out: Take your Hall-of-Fame heritage QB, your tremendously talented running back, and the five big boys up front, and start playing smash-mouth football. Guess what? It worked. A big program win over Louisville and a narrow loss to Rutgers and I’ll be the first to say it, “Syracuse may be back on track” (Greg Robinson’s ReMax agent mourns).


Syracuse has always had a tradition of hard-nosed defenses and talented defensive players (maybe it’s all the snow?). Freeney, Green, and now a senior who has melted the weight away, Nick Santiago. Nick is a close friend of the FWG (we played in the NY vs. NJ All-Star game together) he’s also another guy from “The-U”.

(Upstate New York). I won’t say that Nick is the heart and soul of that defense (he’s not), but he lost 40lbs in the off-season (FWG tear) and I think that is indicative of the mentality of ‘Cuse. They haven’t given up, and they are willing do whatever it takes to win (including shedding a few lb’s before beach season). You watch the tape and realize that these guys play hard-nosed football for 60 minutes, regardless of the score.

Point in case, the Penn State game, down 28 nothing with 10:12 remaining in the second, ‘Cuse did not pack it away, they fought to the bitter end.

Special Teams:

Not a lot to say (insert kicker joke), but their punter is ranked 5th nationally in net punt average, and he’s got a real hammer for a leg. He’s no Kentucky Hammer (UConn fans will get that one), but still the kid can kick and he is a tremendous weapon for the Orange (the artist formally known as Orangemen).

Maybe it’s because I grew up a huge ‘Cuse fan, I have 3 or 4 good friends that play there, or because our coaching staff is chalk full of ‘Cuse alum. But the FWG has a tremendous amount of respect for everything Syracuse, and not just on the hardwood (sorry, Jim).

The bottom line is this: do not let their record fool you, this will be a hard fought, tough football game. This team has nothing to lose, and that makes them very dangerous people.

Time for some…


The FWG is finally healthy again; he wishes the same speedy recover to his quarterback (Tyler Lornenzen) and tight end (Steve Brouse).

So this week I went to a charity auction for the girlfriend. Throw away thoughts of country club bidding and proper “auction etiquette”; this was a “meat market” at a campus bar, bidding off dates with beautiful women for the highest dollar. Of course my girlfriend was on the auction block (remember the part about beautiful women). After a short pep talk before the event that went something like, “Hey don’t worry, the highest bid we’ve ever had is, like, $45” (cue crack of thunder in the background). The bidding starts at $5 dollars and shout “twenty!” everyone laughs and smiles because let’s be honest, it’s cute when the boyfriend is bidding for something he’s already got. Not expecting to be outbid, I relax knowing that this night will only cost me a twenty-spot and I’ve made the girlfriend happy. “Thirty!”, only it wasn’t me yelling, it was a man of near miniature stature to my right. I laugh, give an awkward smile and say “forty-five”, which is promptly chopped down with a “fifty-five”. Okay this isn’t funny anymore, stop driving up the price little man…I look at the girlfriend, who shoots a “save me” look from up on her pedestal. I then shout “Seventy!”–no laughter, no smiles, just looks of wonder to see if my pint- sized pal dare outbid me again. Going once, going twice, Sold! to the fat white guy in the front. Tremendous, I just bought my own girlfriend for $70.00 (and worth every penny).

There is a moral somewhere in that story, perhaps it was that you shouldn’t be put into force-awkward situations where someone has the ability to put a price on how important someone is to you. Yeah, maybe that’s it. Maybe karma was screwing with me.

In the past week I have received some of the best emails, from fans, old friends, and even my nursery school teacher. That might be the biggest perk of this gig.

A little belated, but a big FWG Happy 5th Birthday to Matt Peronace! Probably my favorite fan of all time (and YES, I remember you!)

Check in after ‘Cuse