The Meaning of Life…and more…

// November 11th, 2008 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

The Meaning of Life…and more…

1) Is Cheerleading a sport?

Am I really going to open up this Pandora’s Box? Yes. Yes, I am. There was many a night spent around the Lunn family dinner table discussing this very issue. (Read: Sister who was a cheerleader). Now, while my views may have changed (more on that in a bit) it was the inflammatory opinion of this blogger to unequivocally say “No! Cheerleading is not a sport.” This was probably 10% ignorance, 90% wanting to incite riot (the post-dinner apocalypse!).

Alright, so “sports” are defined by competition, and “games” (or “matches”–relax, tennis fans). Cheerleaders don’t compete at “games,” but having dated my share of cheerleaders (or dancers) I have attended many competitions (which are like slow, overcaffeinated smiling death sentences). So while I may doubt that the athleticism needed to be a cheerleader is equal to college football (it is not), I will finally concede in this public forum that yes, cheerleading is a sport. (Dancing however, is not). The funny part is that unlike every other sport, turning pro in dancing means that you are actually LESS of an athlete. Let’s face it (sorry Ryann) the Patriot cheerleaders are less “Cheertastic” dance-savvy girls and more “eye-candy”(see below) for the drunk superfan.

2) What are the craziest superstitions?

Well for me personally, it’s drinking the same color Gatorades, in the same order, at every football-related meal. But I know guys who throw up before games (You kidding me? It’s a great way to shed a few pounds before a big show), and I also know guys who don’t change their underwear for an entire road trip (coincidentally, these guys are also very lonely on Saturday nights). The truth about superstitions is that they are only “crazy” to those who don’t believe in them. Except for maybe rubbing chicken bones on your baseball bat–that’s actually crazy-fit-for-a-straight-jacket-crazy.

3) What have you done that (at the time) annoyed the coaching staff, but now, looking back, is viewed by everyone as being funny? (Or you can substitute “Judge” for coaching staff)

Oh, I like to think that I always annoy the coaching staff. Does this blog count? I’d say this blog. Yes the blog is funny AND annoying to my coaches (but their wives love it). As for the Judge, he probably found it annoying that as a child I tackled everything that moved (cats, dogs, unsuspecting house guests), and while they say that animal cruelty is a sign of future serial killer tendencies, I’d say this little habit paid off, (eventually trading the family dog for opposing quarterbacks) to the tune of say, a free education.

4) Who are the redshirt players that you would expect to contribute to next year’s team?

You might be expecting me to single out all of the great defensive players we’ve recruited and how these future starters will ensure championships to come. The truth is I don’t see these guys on a regular basis, but I do get to go against the Scout-Offense (chock full of redshirts). I’ll leave the skill guys to the skill guys, but I’ll say to expect some big things from our future offensive linemen. My chubby brothers-in-arms are more athletic than the ghosts of linemen past. So let me become a name dropper: Kuracea, Bennett, Chapman. Write that down. Don’t have a pen? Well, remember it then.

5) Who is your favorite NFL player?

Two way tie, of the current freak-athlete killer NFL…Takeo Spikes. His name means “Warrior” in Japanese. No, seriously.

Of the old school scotch-at-halftime NFL, of course it’s Art Donovan:

6) Why did you decide to come to UConn?

I had offers from a few other D-1 schools, and I pretty much ran the table on every D-1AA school. It came down to how I felt about the coaching staff and what kind of education I could get, and of course Coach Edsall’s great haircuts (what a grooming standard!). Syracuse was too close and their coaching situation was too unstable (some things never change). Wake Forest was too last minute, and then there was UConn, right alongside me the entire time. I was sold from the moment I ran out onto Rentschler field (now a recruiting violation). There have been ups and downs, and I’ve gained a few pounds, but being here has has given me the best memories and equipped me for the rest of my life.

7) What exactly did Popeye and Brutus [sic] see in Olive Oil [sic] that made her so “attractive” to them?

I’d like to give my dissertation on how Bluto was all wrapped up that such a tall drink of water had a food-related name, but I’ll save that for another time. I don’t think either of them really wanted Olive Oyl, they were both just so consumed with hate for each other, and neither wanted to see Olive Oyl with the other. Insert a possible manifestation of homoerotic tendencies in self loathing self destructive behavior; Popeye eats his feelings (spinach), Bluto an obvious steroid user (poor self-image), ahh but I digress. Psychobabble aside, I’d say that Olive Oyl was the hottest babe in a possibly babe-barren environment (The Shipyard…so you come here often?). Did I really just spend that much brain effort dissecting that? I’m afraid so.

Steroid use has always been a problem in the wonderful sport of football.
Do you think the NCAA and NFL have cracked down on ‘roids well enough? I was also wondering if you think the penalties for using these substances are harsh enough? – Your FAVORITE cousin, Morgan

I’d say the NCAA has done a good job of policing steroid use, but is there room for improvement? Sure. I have personally been tested 12 times since I have been at UConn, which is impressive to say the least. These pee tests give new meaning to the phrase “stage fright.” My close friends in the NFL have said, “You can’t fake a test, you either pass or you don’t.” I hope that is conclusive enough for you. I am not a fan of the “you are totally responsible” for what goes into your body, because labels are often not descriptive or honest. The FDA hardly regulates the supplement industry, the weak link in the chain is NOT the athlete who reads a label and assumes a product is safe, but rather the FDA who does not demand more stringent regulations for this billion-dollar-a-year industry. I am all for an athlete’s personal responsibility, but I see this as a major flaw.

9) What do you do to “prepare” for a game?

Besides the endless hours of tape (and my rejuvenating cucumber mask…thanks, Scott), loading on carbs (Atkins be damned!) and the pre-game shower, that’s about it.

10) If you had to be stranded on a remote island with only one other person for 10 years with no other contact with the outside world or other items, which:

a) teammate would you choose to be that one other person?

Probably Cody Brown or Dan Ryan. Cody ‘cause he doesn’t snore, and that’s a nice quality. Dan because he’s so tall, he could easily pick coconuts and distract the natives.

b) coach would you choose to be that one other person?

Probably Hank Hughes (D-Line Coach). Spend five minutes with the man and you’ll understand. Never had the opportunity? Pregame speeches that meander their way through “Atilla the Hun” to “Sasquatch” to Michael Vick and end somewhere between Ronnie Lott and the entire Steelers organization.

(and maybe a certain law school student named Colleen)

c) which person (anybody, no limitations) would you choose to be that one other person?

Survival expert Bear Grylls. That accent? Priceless.

You should devote most of your blog to hosting ideas for ideas of how New Jersey could better serve America.

…this wasn’t a question, but man, did I want to respond. Aside from nuclear device testing field, I’d say maybe seceding from the Union? Although this might drive hair gel, glowsticks, and IROC sales way down, it’s still probably for the best.

Syracuse this week, also we’re gonna take a look around the Big East.

-FWG-

Hi, I’m Joe Paterno, and I’m a PC

// November 11th, 2008 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Here’s the writing sample the FWG did for NESN. Acronyms aside, Looks like even the FWG can be wrong:

(DATED: THURSDAY, OCTOBER 23 @ 8:14PM)

(3) The Pennsylvania State University (Penn State). There are only two things in life that are guaranteed: taxes and JoePa’s contract extension. Don’t let the report of “Arrested Nittany Lions” scare you. The man who “is Penn State,” according to Pennsylvania native Steve Brouse, has more job security than God. The Nittany Lions have been on a steady roll since 2005 (after having fallen short of bowl eligibility in 2003 and 2004). Safe to say that Butkus Award winner Paul Posluszny restored “linebacker U” to the prestige of teams past. 2008 is apparently the new 1994. This year’s team (at mid-season) is looking to duplicate its most recent (undefeated) National Championship squad. Has there been controversy this year? Absolutely, but what’s a few felonies between friends? Nothing in State College, Pennsylvania, apparently, but I am glad that coaches are not flinching in the face of national media scrutiny. Too often do we see these situations mishandled (cough, Al Groh, cough), and I am glad the coaching staff, administration, and players were able to evaluate the situation before uniformly dismissing the “accused.” Having taken an unofficial recruiting trip to Penn State I can say two things: 1) JoePa’s office is more sports museum than functional space. While he does have a personal computer (Hi, I’m Joe Paterno, and I’m a PC), it’s large enough to hold the original computer. 2) Recruiting the top talent in Pennsylvania is paying off. Just look at last week’s 47-17 dismantling of Michigan (Oh, Rich-Rod, country roads, take you home…). Homegrown Jordan Norwood is lighting up the stat board this season (405 yds, 5TDs). Kudos to JoePa in playing freshman and spicing up the offense (the wing T was sooo 1976). At the halfway mark of this National Championship marathon, Penn State looks to be a lock to finish in the Top 5 and is eyeing that #1 ranking every week. This coming week they face Jim Tressel (and Jim Tressel’s sweater vest…all power is derived from the vest) at Ohio State. So best wishes to the Nittany Lions (unless they ever play UConn).

(5) The University of Florida Gators. Urban Meyer: thanks to you, I no longer believe that Florida is where people go to die (miss you, Grandma…). Besides Gator Farms and Gatorade, the actual “Gators” are perennial Top 25-ers. This year is no different, and the University of Florida is looking more like the NFL’s version of the NBADL, thanks to Tim Tebow (I hear his tears cure AIDS). With targets like Aaron Hernandez, Riley Cooper, and Deonte Thompson (yes, Deonte), the offense is simply electric (boogy-woogie-woogie). Through superior coaching (oh, and a Heisman Trophy winner) the land of heat stroke is more like a swampy piece of heaven midway through the season. Can the gators finish out a tough SEC schedule? We’ll see. Make sure this Saturday afternoon includes checking out the score of the Florida-Kentucky game. (My prediction for this fight? Pain.) One slip up by Texas or Penn State, and the national title may lay its weary head to rest in Gainesville, once again.

(1)University of Colt McCoy, ahem, Texas. Mack Brown. Sounds like he should be singing on Soul Train, not coaching University of Texas football. Colt McCoy? Named Colt, you were destined for only one thing: to be the starting QB for the Longhorns. While McCoy does slightly resemble a Furby,

…his numbers are anything but a passing fad (pun intended). He went 29 for 32, for 337 yards and two touchdowns, oh…and he legged in two as well. I don’t want to say that Colt might be half man/half God, but when the blood tests come back, I will say I told you so. As for Mack Brown? I can see him being the Clark Kent of college football, winning games as an unassuming coach by day, saving orphaned children by night. Not to mention an offensive line with such depth and talent that they can rotate their starters with no drop-off (shout out to the Big-Uglies up front). The Longhorns are poised to make their stay at #1 a lengthy one. Though the rest of their schedule features Oklahoma State, Kansas, and Texas Tech, I wouldn’t worry. Having already tackled defying gravity and mortality, Mack and McCoy should dismantle these teams with relative ease.

The Judge, The NCAA, Obama (one of these things is not like the others)

// November 7th, 2008 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

Ahh, just behind the curve of the national media, the FWG decides to comment on the election results. (Do you like how I now narrate my own entrances?)

OBAMA:
So Obama wins (Obama wins, Ooooobama wins!–Yankees fans take heed), McCain loses, and the world waits to see what happens next. Personally, I think this is a monumental moment for our society and proof that the American dream is alive and thriving (as if a Starbucks on every corner left any doubt). Yes, I voted for McCain (as previously noted), but a vote for McCain is certainly not the same as a vote for Buchanan was in the early 90’s. He simply wasn’t just the “Republican” choice to make a stand for “Republicans.” I think that either McCain or Obama could have done (and now will do) a good job leading our nation. But while this was the election on the minds and hearts (and stomachs…FWG) of the American electorate, another election weighed heavily on MY mind (no, not whether Warren Sapp can pull it off).

THE JUDGE:
Tuesday also marked the race for the New York State Supreme court, which my Dad, “The Judge” was running for. Unfortunately, the big guy came up a bit short, losing the election to two other candidates (who are qualified to perform their new duties, no doubt). I have to say that while he is my Dad, he’s also a supremely competent jurist. The real people who lost in this race are the citizens of the eight counties that my old man served. They have lost a hardworking, ethical, and deeply motivated (not to mention cute) man. My high school Spanish teacher once referred to him as a “silver fox,” but that’s neither here nor there.
Excuse me if I wax sentimental for a moment, but my Dad gave up a life in the private sector making mucho dinero to serve his community as well as his family. Working for the state afforded him the opportunity to come to my football (and hockey, and lacrosse) games (which he never once missed). My dad is truly a man with his priorities in line. I wish that voters had made a better choice, but this election was truly an uninformed voters’ forum. People turned out in record numbers voting straight Democratic tickets, ignoring the fact that Judge Lunn was endorsed by every association (Teachers, African-American Bar, Police Union to name a few). I feel bad because for the first time in my life, I’m the one doling out the advice about “God’s plan” and the “24 hour rule” (celebrating/mourning a victory/loss for no more than 24 hours then moving on). Perhaps the Judge lost due to his poor fiscal/economic policy ($2/week allowance for 8 years? This isn’t Reaganomics; adjust accordingly, please). So what’s in store next for the Judge? I suggested he take up base jumping or parasailing (maybe even knitting) but I’m thinking he’ll go back into private practice (or maybe Dancing with the Stars needs an alternate?). How many people from upstate New York read this? Probably not many (until ‘Cuse week). But for what it’s worth I want everyone to know what an amazing Judge (and father) he was (and is). So now that I’m all fired up, time to talk about the NCAA.

THE NCAA:
So, the fine folks in our compliance office (it takes a special person to do that kind of work…) contacted me letting me know about a few NCAA violations on the blog (no, poor comedic timing isn’t one of them). Remember the West Virginia post? I made reference to Pat White, punning (is punning a word?), punning the “How many UConn football players does it take to catch him? The world may never know”– an obvious play off that old Tootsie-Pop commercial (”How many licks…the world may never know.”). According to the NCAA this is an “implied endorsement” of a product/or service (see below):
12.5.3 Media Activities.
(a) During the Playing Season. During the playing season, a student-athlete may appear on radio and television programs (e.g., coaches’ shows) or engage in writing projects when the student-athlete’s appearance or participation is related in any way to athletics ability or prestige, provided the student-athlete does not receive any remuneration for the appearance or participation in the activity. The student-athlete shall not make any endorsement, expressed or implied, of any commercial product or service. The student-athlete may, however, receive actual and necessary expenses directly related to the appearance or participation in the activity. A student-athlete participating in media activities during the playing season may not miss class, except for class time missed in conjunction with away-from-home competition or to participate in a conference-sponsored media day. (Revised: 1/16/93, 1/14/97, 1/9/06, 4/27/06)

Really? And my bald head is an endorsement of Rogaine and Hair-Club for Men. Where do these rules come from? (There has to be a Monty Python skit on this somewhere.) And I don’t blame our compliance office one bit; they are looking out for my best interest. But when does common sense come into play? So I decided to consult my legal team (thanks, Dad) and they concurred that “implied” is in the eye of the beholder. I guess I can’t endorse pork products either? (cue music…) But you can’t hold a whole blog responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted bloggers. For if you do, then shouldn’t we blame the whole blog system? And if the whole Blog system is guilty, then isn’t this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you, NCAA — isn’t this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we’re not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!

NCAA/Animal House comparison; my life is complete. Time for some…

FINAL THOUGHTS:
My sister submits this one. I’m informing Homeland Security.

Okay, so don’t judge me, but don’t you think Mahmoud Ahmadinejad kind of looks like an Iranian McDreamy?

As old and mature (yeah right) as I get, grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup will be one of the best things ever. Way better when served by a mustachioed, hairnet-wearing, woman with mole creasing her upper lip (oh, high school), but delicious all the same.

Keep the questions coming…I’ve received some GREAT ones so far; more are welcome.
TheFatWhiteGuy@gmail.com

New Post Coming!

// November 6th, 2008 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

I have a lot to catch you up on; expect a post to be up by later today.
I need to break down the election results (Recount!…kidding).
Also “The Judge” did not fare so well, so I want to touch on that.
We will talk about the NCAA and how I need to edit all my posts because I can’t be endorsing products on this blog (sorry Rogaine, it’s a no-go).

BUT, before the weekend comes, I want to open it up again to…

Again, I’ll take the Top 10 questions and answer them for you on this blog. It can be anything from my thoughts on college football (or any sport), to cooking, even what color underwear I’m wearing (trick question– none).

Back Later,
FWG

p.s.
I’d like to issue an apology to anyone who was offended by the Goodfella’s clip. I guess it was a little racy. Please excuse my poor judgment (I was blinded by the light).

Remember What I Said About Marginal Good Looks…

// November 5th, 2008 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

Find the Halloween post to understand this one:

A short recap, Halloween party, costumed college kids, dim light source = best possible situation for a bigger guy (read FWG), to find a female of his liking. Like the majesty (and rarity) of a Solar eclipse (minus the retina searing UV Rays!) the fates have aligned to bestow a beautiful baby that might actually be interested in you.
I now offer up some empirical evidence:

(You’re welcome, Scott)
(Thanks, Noonan)

FWG Gets Political

// November 3rd, 2008 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

I normally like to stay away from discussing politics in public, except for the occasional Judge Lunn plug (c’mon, he’s my father). There was an article in the Hartford Courant which has shown which way I will be voting. So my Dad’s a Judge, I’m a Political Science major and it’s a presidential election year. The FWG must weigh in (as goes FWG, so goes the nation).

I must say I wish there were someone running on the Meathead platform (“I promise Creatine, Protein, and Powerbars for all. No more refined sugars or processed foods!”). Alas there is not, so I’ll be forced to vote for McCain-Palin. Not that I don’t like Obama, but I simply think it comes down to foreign policy views and experience (Alaska is the new Russia, haven’t ya heard??).

D-But

// November 3rd, 2008 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

I am asking for some prayers to go out to Darius Butler. Darius (D-But) is a captain, friend, leader, and all around outstanding individual. He tore up his knee trying to get a W against WVU. I’ll never understand why bad things happen to good people, but there is no one less-deserving of this injury than Darius. He will bounce back and be a superstar again, no doubt in my mind. Please send good thoughts and prayers to D-But.
Thanks,
FWG

West Virginia…almost hell.

// November 3rd, 2008 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

Alright, I’ll stop with the West Virginia digs. But it’s especially hard considering we lost and all the “fan mail” (I don’t have fans, I have “followers”). So all the “follower mail” that had some incredibly inappropriate (and funny) West Virginia jokes. While I’d love to share with you how you can tell brothers and sisters are from West Virginia and the difference between a kindergartener and a resident of the great state of West Virginia, I simply won’t. No I won’t lower myself to that. I need to give them due credit.

But first, I need to issue a memo to all those offended by the Cincinnati (victory) post.
Dear Cincinnati fans,
Sorry I’m not sorry. It is time to learn how to laugh. At the very least, be happy that if nothing, you hurt my shoulder (sorry, “upper extremity”) during the game. But alas, it didn’t affect my typing (or sense of humor). And that one game shouldn’t affect you either. Chin up kids, chin up.
Truly (and victoriously) yours,
FWG

West Virginia:
You know, if games were 30 minutes long, we’d have been all set. But there are four quarters, not two, and to beat a championship-caliber team you need to play a complete game. That’s something we didn’t do on Saturday. I said in an earlier post that Pat White makes every play a scoring opportunity. Well, 3rd and 24, they should have settled for a field goal. Instead, he scrambles and was harder to (here’s an analogy for our friends south of the Mason-Dixon) catch than a greased pig (Squeal-Pigggyyyy!!!!). I mean seriously, how did he walk in for that touchdown from 30 yards out?

How many UConn Football players does it take to catch a Pat White? The world may never know.

OFFENSE:
I would love to bash West-V but the truth is they played a complete game and we didn’t. They adjusted at the half, not schematically but mentally, and that’s something that we didn’t do. We failed to come out of the locker room with the same Rock-em-Sock-em mentality we had going into the game. We had them dead to rights and couldn’t seal the deal. Noel Devine running and cutting so fast all we could see was the flash off his gold-grill and he was gone again (is he the Leprechaun of the gridiron?). Sneaky Irish lads aside, the speed, agility, and scoring threat is unparalleled and very real. Their offensive line was nasty, definitely no lack of mean-streak in them (or gentle-giant syndrome). But I will pay them a compliment (see Final Thoughts below).

DEFENSE:
I’d like to marginalize the importance of the WVU defense. But with all turnovers and field position they created for their offense I have to give due credit and say that they are probably the reason for the win (yes that, and Pat White’s legs…and Devine’s gold frontz). Scooter Berry (insert Scooter Berry joke here) is a real asset to their D, and along with mainstays such as Morty Ivy, I was impressed.

It’s cold outside. Not bitter, wrap-yourself-up cold (this isn’t Rochester, people), but cold enough for me to think, “Hey, maybe shorts and flip-flops were a bad idea” and “I really shouldn’t be eating ice-cream in this weather should I?”. It’s also a bye week before Syracuse, so lots of blog posts this week. But now, it’s that time again. (What time is it?) Time for some…

FINAL THOUGHTS:

Halloween was a great success (see below):

We celebrated ours a week early and then lost power during our party. Complete blackout. Four hours without power and a house full of (oversized) college kids. The celebration continued. “But how??” you ask. It just confirmed my theory that people between the ages of 18 and 24 will find any excuse to dress up and party. Seriously, four hours by the light of cell phones? Truth be told, it was the perfect night for any marginally good looking gentleman to find a beautiful baby to bunk up with for the night (take note: the haze of glowing cell-phone and Halloween mischief are working in your favor, young men).