Archive for February, 2009

This Weeks Sign Of The Apocalypse

// February 27th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

Ladies and gentleman. I am sorry. The hippies have won.This week’s sign of the apocalypse? “Politically correct war.” (Where the games don’t matter and the points don’t count). The weakest card in the deck is the one who is the most “war like” (ie. the strongest by everyone else’s standards)


Actual description from the box:

War has changed dramatically over the years, but the card game that bears its name hasn’t changed since it was first played in the late 14th century - until now. For the first time, War incorporates Love, Peace, Diversity and Unity. Players compete to get rid of their cards first, while trying to avoid the heavily-armed joker
(the weakest card in the deck).

The game is great fun for adults and children, and it’s perfect for home or travel.

Yes it is perfect game, at home on your commune. Also great for your weekend trip to Vermont.
I think I’m going to be sick…

Calhoun Gets 800 (…not giving a dime back)

// February 26th, 2009 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized


Jim Calhoun won his 800th game yesterday. Sadly, the bigger story was that the post game press conference did not hold any of the theatrics that the South Florida game did. (Not a dime. Not a dime!). There have been some developments in the days past, when Jodi Rell (Governor of Connecticut) said that if there was a “do over” Calhoun would probably choose his words better, or something to that affect. Well my advice? Jodi Rell should realize that while she is a nice lady, and looks like “everybody’s grandmother” (and has some interesting Christmas sweaters),
more people in CT know who Calhoun is than Jodi Rell. Secondly, Calhoun is one of only three state employees that actually pays his own salary. You know what else? Jim Calhouns initials are JC. You know who else he shares those with? Well after 800 wins he is the Jesus Christ of Storrs, CT. (…cause you know, who’s footsteps better to follow in than JC’s?)
The good news, is I did score an exclusive interview with another famous UConn coach , in one sit down. So here you have it,

FWG’s exclusive interview with Jim Calhoun,and Randy Edsall.

FWG: Its so incredible to have you guys here right now. I can’t believe we could get the logistics worked out. Although I did have to pay a small fee. Jim, have you received my check?
JC: Not a dime.
RE: Not a dime!
FWG: hmmm thats weird. But not unusual for me. Moving on, this next question is for Coach Edsall. You utilized Reggie Mclain this year on “Nickle Package” defenses. Some experts suggest moving another safety in the mix, called the “Dime package.” Will you run that this coming season?
RE: Not a dime!
FWG: Well that solves that. Coach Calhoun, I have some change in my pocket, its not a nickle, its…
JC: …not a dime!
FWG: Thats right, its a quarter. Randy, how much do you make a year?
RE: Not a dime!
FWG: Incorrect, you make over a million a year also. Don’t lie to the media, Randy. Or we’ll get Jeff Jacobs on you again. By the way, how much do you think Jeff Jacobs is worth?
RE: Not a dime.
FWG: Agreed.
JC: Not a dime!
FWG: Its not your turn yet. I want to thank you both for your time, granting me this exclusive. Anything you want to tell our readers before we go?
JC/RE: Not a dime!
FWG: That doesn’t really fit there, it’s almost as if this interview was totally made up..

Final Thoughts:
It is 9:20am, I leave for New York today (then its off to Europe). There is a plumber in my basement. The most awful noises are now coming out of there. I can only imagine that it looks like a scene from “Saw” right now.

Your Morning Laugh: The Nectar of God’s Balls

// February 25th, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

ENJOY.

The Food in Italy
“…each grape hand picked by a blind nun, who was kidnapped by the Gypsy…”

The Day is Almost Upon Us

// February 25th, 2009 // 5 Comments » // Uncategorized

Football is a popular sport in Austria, second only to alpine skiing… celebrity status awaits.
For those of you just joining, I am going to play professional football in Europe (now try to keep up). International travel is totally beyond me. My last flight out of the country (Canada doesn’t count) was to Mexico, on which I was sandwiched between two chatty Swedes. A newly wed couple who had claimed the aisle and window seats for themselves and proceeded to have a conversation with me in the middle, totally invading my personal space.
When I asked them if they wanted to trade seats, they laughed at the ridiculousness of that notion. Like I had two heads.
What? and lose the opportunity to annoy you this entire flight? Not a chance. You stay right there and let me talk across you, at a distance where you can taste my hot-Swedish-breath”
That was New York to Mexico.
This is Rochester to Chicago. Chicago to London. London to Vienna. Vienna to Klagenfurt.

That’s right, I’m going to Klagenfurt. I will be playing for a team called the Carinthian Black Lions. Think of it like this, Austria is the country, Carinthia is the state and Klagenfurt is the city. (New York Jets: USA the country, New York the state, East Rutherford the city).

The home page of the Black Lions is HERE. Good luck reading it, it’s all in German. I don’t speak a word of German. So lets break this down:
I am going to:
1. A country I’ve never been
2. With people I don’t know
3. A language I don’t speak
4. On a trip that will take 30 hours to complete.
What’s not to love?

I will be doing video blogs, and taking pictures of the entire experience. So check back often for updates on that and whatever else moves me.

I know I haven’t done this in a while but…
SOME FINAL THOUGHTS (on AUSTRIA):
Just like when I worked at the bar, I used to watch ROADHOUSE to get all jacked up for the occasion. I plan on watching every Arnold Schwarzenegger film, to get jacked up for the Austria-Experience
Before adopting the Euro in 2002 Austria had maintained use of the Austrian schilling from 1939… in case you have any extra schillings laying around.

Did you know…

Optional kindergarten education is provided for all children between the ages of three and six years… in case you need to brush up.

Austria’s population estimate in October 2006 was 8,292,322…. in November it was 14.

Arnold Schwarzenegger responds to the following nicknames: Arnie, Austrian Oak, Conan the Republican, Styrian Oak, The Governator, The Running Man, Conan the Governor

Austria: Land of Free, Home of the Lederhosen…

// February 25th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

Stay tuned for an update on playing pro in Austria.

Calhoun the Killer

// February 23rd, 2009 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

Apparently Jim Calhoun also brought his fraternity paddle to his post game press conference. (The boys of pi epsilon pi are ecstatic). A free lance reporter, who’s site can be found HERE asked him if he was going to give back any of his 1.7 million dollar salary, in the face of the states current budget crisis. Calhoun promptly cut the reporter down, with “Not a dime. Not a dime!” He then took out his paddle and beat the guy senseless (or at least that’s what it seemed like to me).
You could hear the quiver in this reporters voice. Like a kid asking his Dad for more allowance.
Let me say this, I’m tired of this give the salary back crap. This commie loving, share the wealth, B.S. It was the same with football at UConn, even other athletes asking why they didn’t get as much gear (shoes, shorts, etc.) as the football team. Well, that would be because unlike rowing or track, Football actually makes money for the University. Same with basketball. They generate 12 million dollars a year for the school, not to mention untold amounts in merchandising and exposure which brings more students to UConn. I’ve had enough of it. If he wants to give it back? Fine. If he doesn’t? After two national titles, the second most current NBA players of any school, and a number one ranking, he’s worth every penny.

Donny Brown: Combine Standout

// February 23rd, 2009 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

Donny Brown is going to make some NFL franchise very happy in the years to come (insert What Can Brown Do For You?-comment here). His senior season he absolutely annihilated opposing defenses. Even when teams were putting eight or nine bodies in the box to stop the run he would still rip off 200 yard performances. He worked hard, rarely got the credit he deserved (not sure the guys at ESPN even knew his name), and he kept on plugging. He led the nation in rushing and put on an absolute show at this years combine.
What do I mean by absolute show? How about being the top performer in 6 of 7 categories?
The highest vertical jump (an astounding 41.5 inches). You know what I’m seeing below him? A lot of guys that got the “big press” throughout the season. Donny has done one thing here, left me saying “Knowsh0n Moreno Who?”

40-yard dash Vertical Jump Broad Jump
Name Time Name Height Name Distance
Peerman, Cedric 4.45 Brown, Donald 41.5″ Wells, Beanie 10′8″
Johnson, Ian 4.46 Peerman, Cedric 40″ Brown, Donald 10′5″
Sheets, Kory 4.47 Goodson, Mike 39.5″ Scott, Bernard 10′5″
Brown, Andre 4.49 Southerland, Brannan 38″ Kimble, Anthony 10′2″
Brown, Donald 4.51 Brown, Andre 37″ Coffee, Glen 10′1″
Williams, Javarris 4.52 Greene, Shonn 37″ Greene, Shonn 10′1″
Goodson, Mike 4.54 Sheets, Kory 37″ Sheets, Kory 10′1″
Scott, Bernard 4.56 Coffee, Glen 36″ Jennings, Rashad 10′0″
Coffee, Glen 4.58 Kimble, Anthony 36″ Southerland, Brannan 10′0″
Lucky, Marlon 4.59 Ore, Branden 36″ Goodson, Mike 9′10″
Wells, Beanie 4.59 Scott, Bernard 36″ -
-
3 Cone Drill 20-yard Shuttle 60-yard Shuttle
Name Time Name Time Name Time
Scott, Bernard 6.82 Scott, Bernard 4.08 Brown, Donald 11.30
Moreno, Knowshon 6.84 Brown, Donald 4.10 Jennings, Rashad 11.46
Ogbonnaya, Chris 6.85 Ringer, Javon 4.11 Bell, Kahlil 11.55
Jennings, Rashad 6.86 Johnson, Ian 4.18 Moreno, Knowshon 11.63
Ringer, Javon 6.87 Jennings, Rashad 4.20 Johnson, Ian 11.63
Bell, Kahlil 6.87 Bell, Kahlil 4.20 Sheets, Kory 11.70
Goodson, Mike 6.89 Goodson, Mike 4.22 -
Brown, Donald 6.93 Moreno, Knowshon 4.27
Johnson, Ian 6.93 Peerman, Cedric 4.29
Sutton, Tyrell 6.94 Ogbonnaya, Chris 4.

NFL COMBINE STANDOUT: WILL BEATTY

// February 22nd, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

I was watching some of the combine today, keeping an eye out for the guys I knew or had played against. All of a sudden the big uglie is on the screen. Mr,. Goofy himself Will Beatty. The immediate reactions from those around me were: “Holy shit, he’s huge.” Not that I want to sound “above it all” (I’m not) but to me Beatty isn’t that big. I mean sure he’s 6′8 and 300+lbs, but I’ve known the kid for 5 years. To me he’s not “huge” he’s just Will. Well, actually I lied, he’s not exactly “just Will.” I’ve known him better as “you big son of a bitch stop holding.” Thats right, like most O-linemen William Beatty (the son of two preachers) is a known cheater. Don’t take that the wrong way, I love the kid, but he will hold, spit, and generally cheat to protect his quarterback. I guess its better than if he didn’t care. But I know he has been the victim of several tongue lashings by defenseive ends, not to mention yellow flags on Saturday afternoons. Watch the video of Will at the combine. Commentary/analysis below.

His lack of punch“–I can see why this would be a concern for coaches and scouts. Will has never been “weight-room strong” but his athleticism far surpasses even most of the top talent in this years draft, especially at the offensive tackle position. You can put strength on that athleticism, but you can’t put athleticism on strength (Thats why you don’t see a lot of World’s Strongest Man competitors in the NFL). Teams may be looking for someone in the mold of Jake Long who can be plugged into a system and start in his first year. But it would not be a waste of first or second round money to invest into someone like Beatty. Even if he couldn’t step in and play right now, there aren’t alot of defensive ends that will be able to beat him around the edge in a straight speed-rush. Something becoming more common in the NFL, with the onslaught of OLB/DE hybrids. (see Demarcus Ware) Some people have questioned his motivation, or his future motivation once he gets that first NFL sized pay check.
The kid has done more 6 am punishments, recieved more verbal assaults from Edsall than anyone in the entire history of UConn Football. Trust me, if he didn’t quit then he won’t quit now.

 

Your Fat White Guy Moment Of The Week

// February 19th, 2009 // 4 Comments » // Uncategorized

Well, some one finally did it. They’ve combined the two biggest problems in America (Booze and McDonalds) to make one amazing solution. I’m sure there are a lot of people who love getting drunk (I was in college once too). And of course with 6 million McDonalds locations nation wide, apparently people are also enjoying an occasional splurge on the Dollar Menu. The next logical step? Combine the two, for a wonderfully glutonous concoction.

Introducing: The McNuggetini:2 McNuggz (plus more for snacking)
1 tub McDonalds Brand Barbeque Sauce (plus more for licking off pinky finger)
1 lg. Mcdonalds Brand Chocolate Milkshake (plus more for bringing all the boys to the yard)
1 bottle Vanilla Vodka (recommended brand: Absolut)

Open the McDonalds bag. Eat one McNugg each, followed by two bites of the Filet-o-Fish (make sure you don’t tell anyone that you eat Filet-o-Fishes).

Mix three or four shots of vanilla vodka in the McDonalds Brand Chocolate Milkshake, followed by one shot each directly into your mouth.

Rim each martini glass with McDonalds Brand Barbeque Sauce. pour milkshake/vodka mixture into the glass. Garnish with a McNugg (which is to be swiped along barbeque sauce rimmed glass after the milkshake has been finished, and consumed with pure, unadulterated glee). Found at THISRECORDING.COM
Ingredients:

Bar Darwinism (Re-Post)

// February 18th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

I have gotten some requests about just what is “Bar-Darwinism.” So here is the re-post.

I’m curious about the relative babe-magnetism of different positions on the team. Everybody assumes that QBs get all the chicks- but is that really true? How do different positions compare? Linemen vs. skill positions vs. kickers vs. special teams etc…

Well, that’s a great question. And I think I have a good answer. Sure, our QBs clean up, with their sharp jaws and chiseled abs. But I’d think you’d be surprised to find that most linemen have very attractive girlfriends, if they have girlfriends at all. I know that I am a personal testament to the rule of over-achieving-fat-white-guys. Seriously, my girlfriend is way out of my league. (See below)
But I think linemen do well because, like many-a-fat chick, we may never have been the best looking or most athletic guys, so by the rules of Bar-Darwinism we were forced to develop a personality, lest we rely solely on our marginal good looks, and thus starve in this proverbial survival of the fittest. They say that if you can make a girl laugh you make her do anything. Even date a fatty. Also, being taller or bigger than our teammate counterparts gives us an automatic conversation starter. Hang around with Dan Ryan for a while and just count how many random “beautiful babies” come up to him (after a few wobbly-pops) and regale him with estimates of his height. Seriously, Mike Hicks, Alex Lamagdalaine, Steve Brouse all have hot girlfriends. Cody Brown is currently dating a girl that is a better athlete than him, and beautiful none-the-less. Same to Julius Williams and Brandon Dillon. I’d like to make this comparison if I could (and I can). Sure a Porsche is fast and fun to drive,but a truck is reliable and will get you through all seasons.