Archive for February, 2009

Bar Darwinism (Re-Post)

// February 18th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

I have gotten some requests about just what is “Bar-Darwinism.” So here is the re-post.

I’m curious about the relative babe-magnetism of different positions on the team. Everybody assumes that QBs get all the chicks- but is that really true? How do different positions compare? Linemen vs. skill positions vs. kickers vs. special teams etc…

Well, that’s a great question. And I think I have a good answer. Sure, our QBs clean up, with their sharp jaws and chiseled abs. But I’d think you’d be surprised to find that most linemen have very attractive girlfriends, if they have girlfriends at all. I know that I am a personal testament to the rule of over-achieving-fat-white-guys. Seriously, my girlfriend is way out of my league. (See below)
But I think linemen do well because, like many-a-fat chick, we may never have been the best looking or most athletic guys, so by the rules of Bar-Darwinism we were forced to develop a personality, lest we rely solely on our marginal good looks, and thus starve in this proverbial survival of the fittest. They say that if you can make a girl laugh you make her do anything. Even date a fatty. Also, being taller or bigger than our teammate counterparts gives us an automatic conversation starter. Hang around with Dan Ryan for a while and just count how many random “beautiful babies” come up to him (after a few wobbly-pops) and regale him with estimates of his height. Seriously, Mike Hicks, Alex Lamagdalaine, Steve Brouse all have hot girlfriends. Cody Brown is currently dating a girl that is a better athlete than him, and beautiful none-the-less. Same to Julius Williams and Brandon Dillon. I’d like to make this comparison if I could (and I can). Sure a Porsche is fast and fun to drive,but a truck is reliable and will get you through all seasons.

A Rod. Another Reason To Hate The Yankees

// February 18th, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

I don’t care that Alex Rodriguez juiced. I really don’t. I still hate the Yankees, but not because A-Rod juiced during his formative years in Major League Baseball.

First, I don’t know why this is such a huge surprise to everyone. Were you thrown off by his chiseled jaw and Latino swagger? Well apparently that jaw was cut from HGH and not his south of the border genetics. Was he the poster child for all that was good and pure with the sport? I certainly hope not. He’s a New York Yankee for Chrissake. It should no longer surprise the American public that athletes are juicing, especially the ones we think are “clean.” In the land where bigger is better, and it’s only 40 more cents to “super size it”, all of a sudden we want our sports to be free of this self-imposed glutenous madness. I say Juice-on A-Rod! In fact, pass some to your boy (and hetero-life-mate) Jeter. A professional athlete’s career is only so long, so call it “maximizing your earning potential.” For example, the average career of an NFL linemen is only 2.5 years. 3 years gets you a pension, and league minimum is under $400,000. If shooting some synthetic testosterone helps these guys make a few extra bucks, or prolongs a career instead of leaving them broke and pensionless, then I am all for it.
I’m not saying the next step is passing out syringes to our Little Leaguers, but we are talking about professionals here. Let them make as much money as possible, by being the very best, in their decidedly short careers. I wouldn’t deny a doctor a new tool or medicine that would help him to perform his duty the best. So why are we denying these so called “performance enhancing drugs?” Educate them on the risks, then turn them free on an endless stream of Winstrol, cream and clear, HGH and whatever else strikes their fancy. And if other athletes decide that using these compounds is not for them, then so be it, this is America and personal choice or preference is king. But for some, the choice is simple, “let me be the very best I can be while I can still do this…” Cause when its over, it’s REALLY over.
I’m sure this will raise questions about my own (potential) performance enhancing drug use. I will surely lay it out there. When in college I used creatine and a million (awful tasting) protein shakes. Were there guys I knew that juiced? Absolutely. Many of them weren’t with the program long and the problem was far greater at other schools that I knew of.

FWG Discusses His Future. Hilarity Ensues

// February 17th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

So today I was “working” on my couch when my friend Jenn instant messaged me. Let’s be honest I had nothing better to do with my time, nothing so pressing that I couldn’t stop for a quick “chat.”
We were catching up when the question was posed, “What exactly are you doing with your life, Rob?”
Great question, Jen. Apparently, I am now a professional blogger. (Here is proof). But the conversation we had was so funny, I thought I’d post it here. Enjoy!

Jen:

Ohhh okay okay, I’m new to this whole blogging business. So you write for them?

FWG: I can’t believe they are paying me for this crap.

 

Jen: Haha, you just really like writing then?
FWG: I keep getting this sneaking suspicion that someone is going to catch on and be like “wait wait wait….why are we paying him…he does nothing…fire the guy that hired him!”

 

Jen: Hahhaha well a lot of people out there can’t write well….let alone write with humor.

 

FWG: P.S. There is a 100lb doberman lying next to me, habitually farting in my face
Jen: Hahhahaha that’s gorgeous. I’m so jealous.
Jen: Well good, at least you’ve found things you enjoy doing. Not many people can say that for themselves.

 

FWG: I like blogging. Not farting Doberman. But yeah I’ve found something I enjoy doing….I couldn’t professionally sleep or drink beer
and prostitute was a little “beneath me”
but not by much.
Jen: I would be soooo good at the first 2 professions.

 

FWG: Sleep or prostitution?

(That response was deemed innapropriate for Thoughts From a Fat White Guy)

So there you have it. When it came down to drinking beer or blogging for a living, blogging came out the winner. Well blogging and playing football in Austria. Stay tuned for updates as that little adventure unfolds.

You Will Watch This Video

// February 17th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

John Pierson Reports
….everything you’d ever want to know about this blog:

Watch more ClipSyndicate videos on AOL Video

This Week’s Sign Of The Apocalypse

// February 16th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

Someone sent me this video. 9 million viewers can’t be wrong. Can they? Why is it this week’s sign of the apocalypse? Well, because this poor kid will have to deal with being an internet celebrity during his formative years. Also, what kind of parenting is this?
Enjoy.
This Week’s Sign Of The Apocalypse

FWG Makes Maxim.com

// February 14th, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

My life is complete. Made it in Maxim. Sort of.
Check it out:
FWG ON MAXIM.COM

This Week’s Sign Of The Apocalypse

// February 13th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

Well, it was getting late in the week, and I wasn’t sure we’d find it. But again a reader saved the day. So here it is…

THIS WEEK’S SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSESomeone with a lot of time on their hands has compiled a list of things that people have searched for using Google. These things were searched with great regularity. Most them over 100,000 times. See for yourself, HERE
Apparently its a common thing to wonder, “Why is my poop green?” and “There is a large cat in my pants.” Enjoy

 

Your Fat White Guy Moment Of The Week

// February 13th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

Introducing the Bacon Explosion.
I am speechless. Seriously. Speechless.
Only in America.

Shot of your completed “Bacon Explosion” or a cross section of your arteries post-consumption?

God Bless the USA!

Think you have “The Fat White Guy Moment Of The Week?”
Email me!

MAILBAG! …UCONN BASKETBALL ‘09 IS THE NEW ‘04?

// February 12th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

How does this years team compare with the dominant 2004 team.. as well as the mini pro 2006 team that didn’t quite have what it took to win it all? With all the talent on this team, how to they achieve the 2004 results and avoid the 2006 results.

-Mike Gauld
“Gun-Wavin” New Haven, CT
(Answered by FWG blogger and former UConn Basketball player Marty Gagne)

 

The 2004, 2006, and 2009 teams were/are engineered in a similar manner. The obvious connection is on the defensive end. UConn is currently ranked second in the nation in blocked shots and fifth in defensive rebounds per game. Using willpower, for the purpose of making defensive stops down the stretch, is an absolute must in tournament play… and this current team has shown the ability to do this.
In 2004 and 2009, the defense was/is anchored by a shot-blocking center. This security allows guards to increase the amount of ball pressure applied to the opposing team. Ball pressure leads to turnovers, and turnovers lead to fast break points. This is Calhoun basketball. Furthermore, teams of this decade have featured lanky, athletic forwards (i.e. Charlie Villanueva, Rudy Gay, and Stanley Robinson). Long arms allows wing players to get into passing lanes and deflect errant passes.
This is when things get interesting. Coach Calhoun’s backcourts often feature two guards with playmaking ability. The term “playmaker” refers to an aggressive slasher who can easily get into the paint (not necessarily to score, but to break down defenses). In the UConn system, this duo usually consists of a true leader at point guard and a small, attacking shooting guard. Doron Sheffer & Kevin Ollie, Ricky Moore & Khalid El-Amin, Taliek Brown & Ben Gordon, AJ Price & Jerome Dyson… Marcus Williams and….. ?
This was a significant on-court weakness of the 2006 team. Rashad and Denham were excellent scorers, but they lacked the ability to consistently create their own plays. And here is the missing thread: AJ Price. After arriving on campus as one of the top prep guards in the class, AJ raged war on Marcus Williams in the preseason pick-up games in preparation for the impending competition for the starting point guard position. AJ was impressive; he was quick, intelligent, and confident. Of course, this battle was never carried over into official practices because of the medical condition that arose.
This had a season-long effect. Marcus Williams was asked to play relentless minutes, being backed up only by Sami Ameziane, a walk-on. The following season brought Craig Austrie, who played error-free basketball as a backup, but there was no replacing the slashing, playmaking ability that AJ had shown.
Now consider this: during the 2004, 2005, and 2006 seasons, we achieved a #2, #2, and #1 seed, respectively. I believe that AJ’s presence would have filled this void, and UConn would have legitimately contended for THREE consecutive national championships.
But in basketball, as with life in general, unforeseen circumstances arise. Plans change and life goes on. The final outcome in 2006 exemplifies that storybook endings are rarely made outside Hollywood. If naysayers who criticized the 2006 team for nonchalant effort could have seen the locker room after the George Mason loss, their opinions would have quickly changed.
Dwelling on the past, or allowing the end result to outweigh the success of a 30-4 season, is completely futile. It’s a blessing to be able to accept events that are out of your control while sustaining your best effort. Walk-ons quickly embrace this philosophy.
Furthermore, a highly-ranked group must maintain a difficult mindset. The team must understand that they are capable of achieving great things, yet retain an awareness that championships are not given away like free iPods. Strength should never shift to over-confidence. You have to manage your swagger… and stay hungry.
For instance, throughout the 2004 season, Ben Gordon promptly began his daily shooting drills and workout session at 5 o’clock… every morning.
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Something we should be writing about?
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Bruins v. Sharks

// February 12th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

I went to the Bruins game on Tuesday night. My friend Keri got me some ridiculous seats for the game. I confess, a lover of the Sox, I grew up in Sabres country, and my NHL allegiance has always been to the Dallas Stars.
But last night was fun, the seats were great.But even better was to whom the seats belong.
Please try and pronounce this name. I’d like to offer some moments of hilarity here, some wise cracks about this guys moniker. However, this dude has season tickets that I will never be able to afford. So despite unpronounceable name. My hat is off to him.