2009 April | Thoughts from a fat white guy

What If Things Turned Out Differently?

// April 16th, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

The video I have posted here is hilarious. Enjoy the video, and remember entry closes on Friday for THE FORMERLY FAT WHITE GUY PROJECT.

Walkon Boy: Being Fat–A Lifetime Membership

// April 14th, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Meet “Walkon-Boy“–his name is Patrick, he was a walk on at Minnesota, and much like me hasn’t given up the dream of playing football. While I toil in Austria, Pat is in Sweden–doing whatever it is Swedes do best (which by my account is Dip SNUZ and play hockey). Anyway–since The Formerly Fat White Guy Project is OFFICIALLY UNDERWAY, Pat wrote something for all the nay-sayers out there, who want me to to stay fat. I’d also suggest, checking out his blog, it’s hilarious. Anway, Enjoy:

There was a bit of backlash when FWG mentioned chronicling his weight loss efforts. Some people were disheartened that the self-appointed Fat White Guy would be dropping the fat from his body. Rob asked me to write a piece explaining the ‘lifetime membership’ concept of the Fat club {if he goes reverse Michael Jackson and has a sex change operation - then we may have some problems.}As a former fat white guy, and current chubby white guy, I am here to say that once you have learned the true ways of fatness there is no way to unlearn them. Essentially, you have a lifetime membership in the corpulent fraternity for which there can be no double secret probation {And your parents don’t even need to be rich to buy your friends!}.

Here are my fat white guy qualifications:

- I entered college at 217 lbs and left in the 280-ish category. This was achieved by cramming 4-5 meals in my mouth every day. It sounds fun, and it is for about two weeks. After that, the constant attention is almost as draining as {what I imagine} trying to lose weight is. Also, living with four offensive lineman helped the cause, there was always food in the house. Or someone making a food run.

- My nickname was ‘Fatty Paddy’ the second half of my college career.

- And to prove that fatness is a lifetime trait that you can’t unlearn, I put down a triple burger with over a pound of meat on it last weekend without too much of a hassle. The next day the burger brought a bit of discomfort, but so it goes.

Being a fat guy is a bit like learning martial arts, training and mental toughness allow one to progress up something like the belt system. {I am not aware of one, but that may be the next quest - to codify a ranking system of fat proficiency.} And even though you may stop training in El Gordo Dojo, you will always have the lessons learned to help you along the way.

Here are some of the lessons learned {Most of it can be summed up in the eloquent Bar Darwinism post}:

- Being interesting: Skill or glamour postion players in life feel like people will automatically defer to them, and most of the time that is the case. However, fatties need to be either entertaining or intelligent to garner attention. Hell, some of the time just by being fat is interesting enough.

- Humor: Fat people are funny. It’s science. Part of it may be by beating people to the punch making fun of oneself then people allow more leeway when fat people poke fun at others. Self-deprecation as a means of protection. Offensive lineman are typically the funniest guys on a football team. At Minnesota, before games they had joke time in the locker room before they went out to warm up.

- Thick Skin: The world is a cruel and unfair place. Fat guys realize that a lot sooner than most, and therefore are usually much better at dealing with it, being persistent and turning negatives into positives.

The positives of fatness are many, but people you love want you to stick around for a while, and if losing weight helps you do that, it’s something that can’t be all that bad. FWG, and anyone else who wants to lose weight will always be fat at heart and they’ll carry their fat skills for the rest of their life. When I dropped about twenty pounds basically by not working out as hard and eating a more realistic amount of food, my joints felt better, I had more energy - and my grandma {Who is the sweetest lady in the world and who’s most vicious taunt in card games is : ‘That’s niiiice.’} even added some lard-ass levity by saying, “But Patrick, you were so… biiiiiiiig.”

You can take the fat off a white guy, but there will aways be a little fat left in the white guy.

Visit more of Pat at:

click.

The Formerly Fat White Guy

// April 13th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

A while back in “Final Thoughts” I floated the idea of losing some weight. Well after some e-mails contacts, and discussions with my arteries, I have decided to launch The Formerly Fat White Guy Project. I have enlisted the help of the very best in the business of weight loss, Kevin Weiss (a natural body builder–from Canada–but we’ll forgive him for that). But The Project is not just about me (how boring would that be?). Instead I am asking you (that’s right–you) the reader to participate:

THE FORMERLY FAT WHITE GUY PROJECT

First prize: 2 FWG T-shirts (of your choosing)
and TWO (2) FREE tickets to a UConn Football game (home or away)
Second Prize: 2 FWG T-shirts–and ownership of the blog for a day
Third Prize: 1 FWG T-shirt of your choosing

Soooo…how do I enter?
Email me (TheFatWhiteGuy@gmail.com) a “before” picture–along with 200-300 words on your “Fat-Hood” *Remeber–skinny-fat counts too!
We will post the “contestants” at the end of this week.
A “winner” will be chosen on July 18th.
Based on total weight loss/physical improvement/best story

Get to it!

This Week’s Sign Of The Apocalypse

// April 10th, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

http://www.kevinweiss.com/”>Well, This Week’s Sign Of The Apocalypse was a no-brainer. I am always a fan of the “screen shot” because working on a computer you have to enjoy life’s simple pleasures. This one comes from two fans who live in a “Fra-tirement home” together. What is a Fra-tirement home? That is an abode occupied by 3 or more gentleman in their mid to late 20’s who are still holding on to the dream of college–but must occupy normal existances in the “real world.” Their weekends are still filled with blackouts, beer pong, and enough Skoal to make Trot Nixon jealous. Anyway, a little background–these two gentleman had a mangey dog occupying their property, so they decided to research ways to humanely remove the dog from their property. They decided spraying fake “wolf urine” all over the place would be their best bet.

Well apparently you can find everything on Amazon.com. Check it out.

Pay special attention to the “Customers Who Also Bought” section.

A close up:

( you may have to click to view)

SPECIAL THANKS

TO P-CAL AND D CHOW FOR THE TIP

Welcome To The Alps, Suckah!

// April 9th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

Decided to take a mid-week ski trip. Enter me, a “life long snowboarder” (read: can get down the mountain in one piece) and 4 people that have never set foot on a mountain. Hilarity ensues.

When You Have A Blog…No One Trusts You

// April 8th, 2009 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

When you have a blog, no one trusts you.

s
And maybe with good reason. After being coerced into performing her Black Lions’ cheerleading routine (under false promises of anonymity) Jennifer Henry and the rest of the players enjoyed a good laugh. For the record, whenever someone is taping, chances are it’s going to end up on YouTube.

First Away Game Pictures

// April 7th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

Victory!

// April 6th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

We went on the road this Saturday to Salzburg. Does Salzburg sound familiar? Well it should–Mozart was born there and it’s where the Sound of Music was filmed. And while we were short on singing ex-nuns and Nazi sympathizers, there was plenty of hard-nosed football to go around.

The Salzburg Bulls came into the contest with a 1-0 record–and it appeared that they were going to make it 2 -0. After marching 80 yards down field for our first score, we decided that,”Well, the fans paid good money for these seats, let’s make it interesting.” and promptly let the Bulls return the kickoff for 6.

We blocked the extra point…the silver lining on the shit storm that was the first half.

A few more blocked extra points, and the score was 18-9 at halftime.

Then one of the strangest moments of my entire football career. I never thought we could top last week, when I called my own holding penalty–but sure enough T.I.A. (This Is Austria). As we went on another long drive our QB, D.J. Hernandez, launched a ball into the endzone and it was picked off and returned to their 35 yard line. However, the endzone was full of the yellow laundry.

Try and follow me on this next part.

After the interception, in the endzone there was a personal foul.

Not only did this negate the interception–but we were given a safety–and then got the ball back, as they kicked off to us.

I am literally running out of ways to describe my shear shock and disbelief. I then informed D.J. that this was like Tecmo Super Bowl and there was some glitch in the game.

The second half we came out swinging–and with stellar play on defense (3 sacks, 12 tackles by the FWG) including equally amazing play by our two DTs (3 sacks and 7 tackles between them) we held on to win 30-18.

Highlights from the game included:

When Bearnd (computer expert, NFL Prospect, and all around good guy) flat backed the QB and got sent out of the game.

Playing the entire game in a borrowed pair of cleats, a size too small, because I’m a flat out idiot and forgot mine.

The utter confusion that I caused telling the official that he needed to take Midol for his cramps (I swear this stuff is funny back in the states).

Again, more free beer after the game, and at the celebratory dinner.

And of course–halftime cigarette breaks.

Why I Love Brady Quinn

// April 2nd, 2009 // 4 Comments » // Uncategorized

Recently I have been getting “fan” mail, telling me I’ve taken that nasty turn to negative town (with a short rest stop at bitter-bed-and-breakfast). Well I am here to finally build someone up, instead of breaking him down.
So here it is: Why I Love Brady Quinn
I have been writing this post in my head for a while now, I’d say since the 2007 NFL Draft. When a poor, helpless Quinn looked like the prom queen with no one to dance with. As he fell to the 22nd pick, Quinn showed excellent composure as he got a taste of “the last kid to be picked in gym class” –with his girlfriend and family the focus of ESPN camera crews Quinn held his own until the time came. And was subsequently drafted by the worst team in the NFL (with the second best fans).
The other reason I love Brady Quinn is that, as 1 of 4 children, (3 sisters and the FWG)–I know what it’s like when sisters bring home potential male suitors to the dinner table. As if Quinn’s life hasn’t been tough enough (NFL Draft Day disaster, Cleveland Browns, Charlie Weiss, etc) his sister is married to A.J. Hawk. My disdain for offensive players is well documented, and I love any linebacker in the mold of Mr. Hawk– who looks more like a professional wrestler (think Ultimate Warrior or Hacksaw Jim Duggan on this one) –then he does NFL linebacker. So every Thanksgiving, Quinn must sit across the table knowing that this monster of a man has his way with his sister. I can see it now: as A.J. tosses his blonde locks over his shoulder, grazing the deep maroon of his turtle neck, he eye’s Brady, eyes his sister, winks and says “B-Dog…pass the gravy.”
Its almost too good to be true.