My Life As A Buffalo Bills Fan

// September 15th, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

What the hell happened last night?  In some complete and total karmic-cosmic retribution, the Bills managed to play themselves out of a win over the Pats last night.  Worst part? I was at the game.  I am an unabashed Buffalo fan, and as we jumped up on the Pats with 4 minutes left by two possessions, I literally turned to my former teammate Yianni and said, “Alright bro, no repeats of Bills-Cowboys Monday night from last year.”  I don’t know why I said it, but  I did.  And just like that, the meltdown began.

15 points in the 4th quarter?  A stiff, even more immobile Tom Brady engineering the win? Buffalo’s  Leodis McKelvin seemingly pondering taking a knee only in a cruel twist of fate deciding to take the ball out of the endzone and promptly turn it over to the Patriots?  Welcome to Bill’s football.  If we have learned anything from this, it’s that football is a cruel mistress, and being a Buffalo Bills fan is slowly  becoming the football equivalent of rooting for the Red Sox:  It’s not that they lose, it’s that they manage to do it in such a spectacular, heart breaking fashion.

side note:

I was fortunate enough to meet some of the Bills players after the game.  I saw former Louisville player, Eric Wood.  Eric and I matched up two seasons against each other.  Yes he remembered me.  And no, he couldn’t have been more gracious.   Excellent draft pick there.

The Lowest Of Lows: Injured While Celebrating

// September 14th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // Minnesota, Uncategorized

The NCAA has always had a stranglehold on fun.

I’ll save the “Amateurism is a joke” post for another day; what I’m talking about is the celebration factor. NCAA — No Celebrating At Anytime.

In my time at UConn, unfortunately I did not have the opportunity to do many touchdown dances. After the one touchdown I did have (ah, I recall it fondly), I was too surprised by my

own good luck to even consider anything flashy. Who really wants to see a fat white guy dance anyway? But, I digress.

Until this weekend, I thought it was foolish. If someone earns a touchdown,

let ‘em dance, spike, and sache themselves into the SportsCenter Top 10, or at least YouTube lore.

But then, after watching the UConn-UNC game this weekend, I thought to myself, “Hmmm, maybe the NCAA is right,” after a UNC player went down in his post-touchdown jubilation. It wasn’t until I got online and read this, that I was inspired to write this post:

“UNC’s Zack Pianalto dislocated his fibula after catching the tying touchdown. He caught his cleats wrong on the turf as he celebrated.”

Celebrations do seem to be incredibly detrimental to a football playe’rs health,

so I decided to do a little research on football players that have been injured celebrating.

Bill Gramatica

Probably the go-to example of how not to celebrate your accomplishments, the kicker tore his ACL after a meaningless field goal. Kicking a field goal: good. Six months of rehab: bad.

Ted Ginn Jr.

In the 2007 BCS title game, Ginn returns the opening kickoff 93 yards for a touchdown. He would miss the rest of the game after he injured himself celebrating in the end zone with his teammates.

Ohio State went on to lose the game, and Jim Tressel sobbed himself to sleep clutching his sweater vest.

READ THE REST HERE

You Are The Yin To My Yang, Rutgers….

// September 14th, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Ohio State playing USC. Michigan and Notre Dame. UConn and, well, nobody.

There is nothing I would do over in my collegiate football experience, but my need for a great rival is unfulfilled. Often in debates amongst coworkers, I am considered the definitive answer on all things college football, so when the age-old question of the best rivalry in college was thrown out (it’s Army-Navy, by the way), someone asked, “Who is UConn’s great rival?”

I did everything short of cowering in the corner and crying myself to sleep.

I hesitated, “Well, there was almost Boston College. Aha! Rutgers!” That’s right, our football team doesn’t have a great rivalry.

Read The Rest HERE

The Best Of YouTube

// September 14th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

An eight minute long YouTube video is like the proverbial “Fat Chick”—She’s not hot, so she better damn well be interesting to keep my attention for this long.   Well, ask you shall receive.   Sand painting?  Who knew?  This blew my wee little mind for the entire eight minutes.

9/11: If You Don’t Read This Post, Then The Terrorists Win

// September 12th, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Today in America, 8 years removed from a great tragedy, little can be said to encapsulate the feelings of that day.  Instead of touching on all the “where were you when it happend…” moments, I decided to take it in a different direction, Me and FatPickle decided to write something titled “The 10 things 9/11 Changed For Sports”

I realize this is a sensitive subject, and some people we bounced this off of thought it might be in “poor taste” (Sorry, Mom).  So we’ve decided against openly publishing it, if you’re interested email me at TheFatWhiteGuy@gmail.com

You’re not interested.  Are you.

Happy Weekend!

I Don’t Like Rap, But I Love This Commerical

// September 10th, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Okay, that’s not entirely true, I do like some rap.  But I spent the majority of my teens listening to REO Speedwagon, Styxx, Foreigner, and Journey (The answer is “Yes.” I do consider everyone a sellout when they sing “Don’t stop believin’” at the bar…).  But I do love Jay-Z.  More importantly, my fat ass likes TV, and on TV there are commercials.  And guess what? I love this one.   So whether or not you appreciate it, it’s on the blog.  Deal with it.

Please Allow Me To Hump You By Surprise

// September 10th, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

For those of you that don’t know I work at a bar called The Place in Boston. ( If you already feel bad for me, go here buy T-Shirts and help this blogger pay this bills).  Every night I have the distinct nightmare pleasure of watching hordes of 20 somethings get stone drunk, while I stand by this controlled chaos making sure no one is throwing punches.

Yes, my mother would agree, excellent career choice, Rob.  But the upside is it gives me plenty to blog about.  I have to ask, when did it become par for the course to sneak up on a girl and just start humping her and then, gauging by reaction time/volatility discern whether she wants to dance with you?

Like any other American kid I grew up with many an after school special, plenty of Saved By The Bell, and plenty of polite “do you want to dance” moments.  Apparently all these people missed the memo.  It’s like the deleted scenes from “Night At The Roxbury” out there.  These guys are covert, dance-floor-ninjas.  I don’t know how else to describe it.  I stand there, arms folded, while these hair-gel’d buffoons sneak up like Jaguars stalking their prey. It reads like Steve Irwin-Animal Planet.

Then, just as the unsuspecting female turns to her friend, back to the prowler, he pounces! BOOM! Pelvic thrust, pelvic thrust!  The female, surprised by the attack, engages her friend in a look of misery and surprise–pleading with the friend to evaluate the potential suitor behind her.  A simple knod or shake of the head of the friend is all it takes for the attacked female to engage or dismiss her attacker.  More likely than not, the attacker will leave unfulfilled, but not before having thrusted and siezed his way into some poor girls internal “creepy” file.

When did the “Do you wanna dance?” get exchanged for something that borders on sexual assault?  For shame, gentlmen.  For shame…

The Male stands buy, stalking his prey, waiting to pounce....

Throw Up That “U” —Welcome Back Miami

// September 9th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

It’s good to feel relevant. It’s good to feel wanted. I wouldn’t exactly say that Monday’s victory over Florida State makes them the warm fuzzy story of college football, but winning a game you aren’t supposed to will give some people that feeling (side note: so will this video). Games like that will silence the naysayers and propel you back into the national spotlight.

Welcome back, Miami.

In recent years, the University of Miami (ahem, “The U”) has been fighting an uphill battle against violence, bad seasons and coaching changes. Perhaps worst of all, there was even a time when some were calling South Florida the best team in the state.

But those days are over. Miami’s 38-34 triumph over 18th-ranked Florida State had all the excitement of those late ‘80s or early ‘90s games, minus the recruiting violations and alleged steroid use. To call this a shootout would be an understatement. Even an “all-out aerial assault” doesn’t quite do it justice, as Miami quarterback Jacory Harris finished with two touchdowns and 386 yards passing.

As an athlete back in 2007, when my UConn team upset South Florida on national television, we used that win as a rallying cry for the rest of the season (on our way to a share of the Big East title). I imagine Miami will do the same. In addition to being back in the neighborhood of powerhouse programs, Miami can also use this win to propel itself through a tough ACC schedule, including a tough home matchup with Georgia Tech next week.

READ THE REST HERE

Sam Bradford’s Injury Is Eerily Similary

// September 9th, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Oklahoma’s star quarterback, Sam Bradford is expected to be out two to four weeks with a Grade 2 or 3 AC sprain in his throwing shoulder. ESPN reported Tuesday that Bradford will not undergo surgery, bringing much elation to Sooner nation.

But here’s what they aren’t telling you: I’m sorry Sooner fans, but Bradford won’t be 100 percent all season.

An injury of this nature typically does require surgery if the joint is “piano-keyed.” Saving superfluous medical explanation, if the clavicle can be depressed — like a piano key — this is bad, very bad. Surgery, however, would effectively end Bradford’s season, and just because he has opted not to have surgery doesn’t mean the injury is any less severe. Bradford is a football player, he wants to be on the field, so he will try his hand at active rehab and roll the dice.

How do I know all this? I suffered this same injury a year ago.

Yes, the same injury that UConn head coach Randy Edsall reported as an “upper extremity malfunction.” I was a lineman who, sadly, did not need the fine motor skills and mobility that a quarterback needs to play. What got me through games, even after weeks of rest, were painkilling injections. These injections can hurt a quarterback who needs that fine “touch” on the ball.

READ THE REST HERE

This Week’s Sign of The Apocalypse

// September 8th, 2009 // No Comments » // Uconn, Uncategorized

Michael Vick Tells Kids Not To Follow The Crowd

….unless that “crowd” is sneaking drugs through airport security in an Aquafina bottle. Or if said “crowd” wants to pit dogs against one another in a fight to the death.  But, remember kids, in all other cases DO NOT FOLLOW THE CROWD.

Michael Vick is America’s newest role model.  Hooray beer democracy and second chances!

[Vick tells Philadelphia high school students to avoid peer pressure] - ESPN