Greg Paulus: Enjoy It ‘Cuse Fans

// September 8th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

I’ve learned a lot over the years playing college football. Special teams will win or lose you at least two games a year, kickers are nonathletes, and chemistry is key at the quarterback position.
I, for one, expected Greg Paulus to be more of a distraction for Syracuse than a player who gives them an opportunity to win.

As the first snap with Paulus in the shotgun sailed over his head for a turnover, my theory was supported.   And clever remarks filled my brain, “ohhhh TASTE IT CENTRAL NEW YORK!”

But Paulus, to my surprise, showed tremendous poise. His second series was more successful. There he was, double-pumping and looking off defenders like a seasoned quarterback — or at the least, a man who’d taken more snaps than free throws over the past four years.

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Merriman: “Yeah, the TV show was THAT bad….”

// September 8th, 2009 // No Comments » // Rob Lunn, Uncategorized

I’m going to be the first to tell you that on Sunday when the story broke about Chargers LB Sean Merriman being accused of choking and restraining his girlfriend, Tila Tequila (see above clip), I was appalled, “Sean Merriman dates Tila Tequila??”  What the hell? Why didn’t I know about this earlier?

It was like my world was shattered.  The worst reality TV star on the planet dates one of the NFL’s best linebackers?  I considered this for “This Week’s Sign Of The Apocalypse” but unfortunately.  I’m holding out for some Michael Jackson Story.

Now, I have sisters (3) and a mother (1) and I am wholeheartedly against any violence against women, but I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t laugh for a solid three minutes over this.  And part of me was a little happy, after I got sucked in to all those VH1 promos and cliff hanger—only to wake up hours later, pants less wondering what the hell had happened.

“A Shot at Love III: Merriman’s Revenge”

Excellent.

[Merriman: I didn't hurt Tequila] - Fox Sports

Blount Versus Hout: Add Your Own Soundtrack

// September 5th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Minnesota, Uncategorized

In addition to writing for sites like NESN and DEADSPIN, I’ve also chosen a slightly more glamorous career path: bouncing.  On my shift Thursday night I got lucky; from my post I had a clear view of the Oregon v. Boise State game.  The only problem was that, with the DJ spinning the hits, there was no soundtrack to the game.  Boise States dominance, I had to fill in what the talking heads at ESPN were probably saying.  Which wasn’t difficult, as you might imagine—  Tim Tebow, a few Phil Knight references, and then something about “smash mouth football”

And then, at the end of the game, I got to watch Oregon’s LeGarrette Blout sucker punch Boise State’s Byron Hout.  Connecting on some sweet, sweet chin music.  This was probably the highlight of my night, instead of watching guidos swing on each other at closing time, I got some HBO quality entertainment, during NCAA Primetime.

And I got to add my own soundtrack—the only thing that came to mind was that scene from Major League, where Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn squares off with Willie “Mayes” Hayes—with Bob Uecker giving the call…

“Hayes swings and misses. I don’t know Monte, it looks like Vaughn is carrying his left a little low. This could hurt him in the later rounds. ”

Opening Day

// September 3rd, 2009 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

Today is the first day of the college football season.  Sit back, start your weekend early, and let that school spirit wash over you, like a proverbial golden shower—minus the next day’s shame and soul searching.

Here are the three game’s I’m juiced-up over;

(14) Oregon at (16) Boise State-

Nothing says competitive game like the two ugliest jerseys in college football smashing it out on Smurf Turf. But seriously,  both these teams are situated in the middle of the polls, which is a virtual abyss of parity–which makes for great football.  They are big and strong upfront, not to mention all the PAC-10 implications;  a Boise State loss would effectively knock them out of BCS contention, a early game with such dire implications is awesome, I’ll be watching this one tonight.

UConn at Ohio

Obviously I’m going to tune in for this; other “big time” Saturday games be damned.  UConn has a lot to prove— a new offense, a new quarterback with a chip on his shoulder, not to mention replacing the nation’s leading rusher.  But even more so, after all the strides UConn has made the past 5 seasons, the respect still isn’t there (ranked again in the bottom of the Big East).  In a perfect world it all comes together in the season opener—the offense flourishes, the bumps in the road smoothed out by strong play on defense. Then again, playing on the road hasn’t been a strong suit for the Huskies, and they haven’t opened on the road in five a few years.  I believe in the white and blue so in a Lou Holtz-esque moment, I’m picking UConn.

Cincinnati at Rutgers (Monday Night)

On one hand you got an excellent QB for the Bearcats in Pike, who despite injuries (well done, Cody Brown) was a strong player.  Pike has enough athletic ability to get him out of some sticky situations behind an inexperienced O-Line, not to mention they are coming off a BCS bowl birth.  On the other hand, you have Rutgers, (those hair-gel’d-Jersey-ites) who bounced back late last season, and carried that momentum into the off season.  As much as I dislike Schiano (and as much as he looks like Paul Lassiter), he does a great job getting his players prepped for game day (read: not a lot of mental mistakes).  Some experts are picking Rutgers as the team to beat in the Big East. I think on the field the talent level is going to be just about equal (parity, parity, parity)–but the deciding factor is going to be that Cincy has to travel to Piscataway.  Rutgers stadium is a loud, rough environment—and a tough place to play.  I see Rutgers stealing this one, and Brian Kelly’s head exploding on the sideline.

Why Your Team Sucks: Buffalo Bills

// September 3rd, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Drew Magary over at Deadspin just did this feature on my beloved Buffalo Bills.  I’d like to be mad at him, but his interpretations of Buffalo’s culture/people are spot on (ie: Girls in jeans with out pockets, and tube tops in subzero weather…class, class, class).

Go head over and read it, have yourself a laugh. But remember…Nobody, and I mean NOBODY circles the wagons like the G-D Buffalo Bills….

[Why Your Team Sucks: Buffalo Bills]

This Week’s Sign Of The Apocalypse

// September 2nd, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

A few years ago actor Jason David Frank was used to hearing the familiar sound of fans yelling, “Go, go Power Rangers!” but now he’s ready to hear the roar of a different crowd.

The former action star from the hit series “Mighty Morphin Power Rangers” has officially made the move to mixed martial arts, and while training with UFC lightweight Melvin Guillard, he hopes to make his real fighting experience as successful as he did on television.

ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME.

Let’s just hope for the sake of his next opponent in the cage that he doesn’t morph into the Megazord and crush him.

Today’s Random Thoughts

// September 2nd, 2009 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

I literally just found out that the band Queen was gay.  Not that it will affect my drunken renditions of Bohemian Rhapsody at bars, weddings, or social gatherings…but it was staring me right in the face the whole time.  “Queen”.  I get it!

I have to preface this next one by saying that I work at a bar in Boston:

Dear socially inept Guido, please put down your Heineken, take out your diamond glass earrings, and walk straight into oncoming traffic.  If I have to watch another one of you dance up on some poor girl, (followed by the look of sheer terror on her face, mouthing the words to her now laughing friend, “SAVE- ME”) I am going to flip out.

A lot of bachelorette parties come into my place of work.  The other night, however, one such party brought with them a 6 foot tall, 2 foot in diameter inflatable penis.  It was the giant elephant in the room.  Don’t look at the penis, don’t laugh at the penis.  But c’mon, you’re dancing with a penis…

Sometimes I weigh the options of having to go to the bathroom so bad, versus how out of breath I will be having to go all the way upstairs.  This moment is one of those times.  Here I am typing, so you can guess which won out….

Brett Favre and The Crack Back Block Heard ‘Round the World

// September 1st, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

You know what I’m not even mad at Favre for this, sure it was a preseason game, and sure it was illegal.  But in Favre’s defense he’s been moving around so much in the past few years, I’m not sure he knows which way is up anymore.  He’s like some Army brat hopping from base to base, and now he’s acting out.  Instead of  rebelling against his father,going goth and piercing his eye brow,  Favre signed with the Vikings, and alienated all of Wisconsin.

Not to mention was this even illegal when Favre started playing football….

Brett Favre, Rookie, Atlanta Falcons

Rich Rodriguez Is Guilty Of Doing What Ever Team In Division I Football Does….

// September 1st, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

“Workouts aren’t mandatory, but neither is playing time.”

At least that’s how University of Michigan head coach Rich Rodriguez claims to see it.  Why then has the Detroit Free Press reported that Rodriguez and his staff are violating NCAA rules on time restrictions? Well, probably because it’s true.

Anonymous players have been quoted as saying that their offseason workouts are “hellish” and, as a result, players are “falling asleep in class,” sparking major debate amongst players, coaches and media alike.

I share the distinct privilege of being a former player, and I’m now a member of the media. I’d like to feel bad for the Michigan players. I want to sympathize with their concerned parents. I’d also like to scold Rodriguez, but I can’t. I just can’t.

Anyone who thinks that major college football programs strictly adhere to the NCAA rules — at least the ones Rodriguez and Co. are accused of breaking — is living in a fantasy land. These are probably the same people who believe that eight hours a week in the offseason — which is all the NCAA permits — is enough to perform at a championship level.

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