// November 17th, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized
I can’t help but think, “Wow, thanks mother nature for taking all my hair prematurely, now I can never achieve business in the front, party in the back status.” I am relegated to a life of shaved-head-ness. But, rock on Jared Allen, rock on.
// November 16th, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized
Bud Adams Presents: Real Moments of Genius
(real moments of geeeeen-iussss)
Today we double-salute you, Mr Buffalo Bills in the 4th quarter.
(Buffalo Bills in the 4th quaaa-rterrr)
You swapped one Wonderlic-wonder quarterback for another, and yet nothing changed.
(I loooove Ryan Fitzpatrick)
You thought you could probably make this a close game, but no, you couldn’t even manage to lose in a close way
(Way to suuuuuck!)
So suck on Bud Adams’ enormous wang, Buffalo Bills in the 4th quarter. Its not like you’ve got anything better to do.
(Mr Buffalo Bills in the 4th quaaa-rterrr)
// November 16th, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized
You know what, if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 1,000 times. There are only two things that come out of Tennessee: 1) great BBQ and 2) classy people. It is as if Bud Adams was saying, “sure, we won, but guess what Bills fans? Here’s a little somethin’ extra for you, courtesy of my middle digit. “ Thanks Bud, Bills fans didn’t know we hadn’t made the playoffs in over a decade. Thank YOU, Mr. Adams, for reminding me of the loss, and showing us what a real southern gentleman is all about. Good news, Western New York (and parts of Canada!), chivalry is not dead. No its alive and well, and watching games from the owner’s box. So when winter hits in Buffalo, and you are noticeably absent from that thing called “the playoffs”…buried underneath 35 feat of snow, fret not, Buffalo faithful, because Bud Adams is here to save the day. I know that a lot of Bills fans are angry at this little stunt that Gazillionaire owner pulled, but its not like this is the first time this happened. Nope, Bills fans have a long and storied history with getting flipped off. Remember former Miami Dolphin Brian Cox? Sure I was only 7 when he pulled that shit, giving all of Ralph Wilson Stadium the bird, but I’ll never forget how pissed my old man was, driving in the car listening to Bob Matthews, cursing all the way to my hockey practice. So you see, the real punishment is not the invevitable fine Goodell will levy, it’s the tarnished childhood memories of thousands of impressionable youth. Thanks, Bud!
// November 13th, 2009 // No Comments » // Rob Lunn, Uncategorized
Perhaps you’ve played the game on some long road trip with your buddies, weaving your way through the comedic obstacles til the inevitable occurs, “Kill, romance or marry, Ryan’s Mom, Coach Baker, Ghandi”. Tough, and hilarious all the same. Well, today taking a look around the college football landscape I’m going to throw out a few names, and my own Kill, romance, and marry. Feel free to join in in the comments section, which lately has been a great outlet for my “readership”……”I can’t believe they actually pay you for this drivel” Yes, I can’t believe it either, sir.
Here we go.
Rich Rodriguez. Kill.
As with all things Malafronte, I am going to agree with him on this one. Despite (or because of) his Ralph Maccio/Scott Baio-esque good looks, hes dead on with how everyone should be feeling about good ol Dick-Rod right now:
40 consecutive winning seasons and 33 straight bowl appearances, the Wolverines are on the verge of a losing record for the second time in two years since Rich Rodriguez took over. It’s sort of like if the 2009 Yankees, with all the talent and money they spent, had to battle with Baltimore to the final day of the season to stay out of the cellar in the AL East — for a second straight year. Still, Michigan’s athletic director is asking fans to be patient with Rich-Rod. Hmm. I’m sure that directive will settle them down.
Randy Edsall. Marry.
Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded coach? In two point conversions and overtimes? In personal fouls and new offensive coordinators? To have before practice and after meetings? In ACL tears and sprained ankles, as long as your eligibility is active? I do.
Coach Edsall has been a guiding light for UConn this season. His job description changing drastically this past October. Part head coach, part mentor, part emotional and spiritual rock, he’s a great coach, who still (trust me) has his players fighting for every inch on the football field. UConn is 15 points away from being undefeated.
BYU Head Coach, Bronco Mendenhall. Romance.
I have a few young kids that read this blog. “Romance”…you get it.
Although I’ve violated a few Christian principles insinuating such a relationship, those “principals” are on loose ground here in Massachusetts anyway. Bronco, in concurrence with his kick-ass name, has quietly lead BYU to a 7-2 showing thus far this season. BYU has a very small recruiting pool from which to pull players. Selling them not only on the football program but also the lifestyle at BYU. I love this guy simply because he’s 5-0 on the road, which is a testament to the player’s preparation and determination, but also his ability as a head coach to focus his players in amidst all the distractions that come with playing an away game. So, yeah I’d like to meet Bronco Mendenhall at TGI Fridays for a few Apple-tinis.
Tim Tebow. Marry. Then Divorce.
Maybe I’m one of the adoring millions who worship Tim Tebow on a daily basis. But much like Tyler Lorenzen at UConn, it’s not necessarily his play making ability which makes him a success, but rather his ability to know how to win. Finding a way to win is an incredible ability. You know that characteristics I look for in my future spouse will be solid work ethic, consistency, humbleness, and a nice rear end. Well, check, check, check, and double check. So yeah, I’d marry the heck out of Tim Tebow right now, followed by a speedy divorce. No way I’m going to the Philippines.
Tim Tebow Messiah Watch [DEADSPIN]
// November 11th, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized
Even Chuck Lidell Knows Whats Up
As always, tonight I’ll be working at The Place on Broad St. Mention The Fat White Guy and no cover. Coincidentally, mention fat white girls, and you won’t be let in. Sorry, Gina. Living my life on the cusp of marginal legitimacy has afforded me many opportunities and plenty of freedom. Make sure you’re checking out my work over at NESN.COM too. I’m like the Clark Kent of the blogging world. Attached to my computer by day, wielding a barely measurable minutia of power at night…checking your ID. That’s all I have to say about that. Enjoy the pictures.
// November 10th, 2009 // No Comments » // Minnesota, Uncategorized
In a twist of fate, after receiving a couple hundred emails on Tom Cruise filming on the top of the Copley Parking Garage, I was a man at ease. My blogging job was done. Just when I didn’t think it could get any better, like Ali in his prime, somehow even more fortune found me. While working the door at The Place last night, a couple of left coaster’s came in. Marked by their rugged good looks and affinity for making the “I don’t care look” really work. Men that were completely comfortable in their own skin. Anyway, they rolled up on mountain bikes, someone remarking “There goes a guy making 250k a year, on a bike” It didn’t register at the time, until the booze set in and our friends from Cali started talking. After a quick exchange I got the break of my blogging career, these young gentleman were, in fact, working on the movie “Wichita” and, this guy happened to be Tom Cruise’s stunt double. Those videos you saw yesterday of “Tom Cruise” whipping his vehicle and fishtailing into oblivion. It was this guy. I should have known, what with Surri and the Cult Church of Scientology in his trust, he wouldn’t be driving in such a reckless manner. But you know who would? His stunt double. Who, by the way, was one of the coolest, most outgoing people I’ve encountered working at bars here in Boston.
Final Thought:
Last night was a star studded event over on Broad St. Our guest list included not only stunt doubles and fight coordinators, but also Big Baby (broken thumb and all) and a few of the Red Sox.
// November 10th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized
Yeah, I violated a ton of local, state, and federal laws here. That’s according to my sister, the attorney. Anyway I snapped this picture because to me it perfectly defines the all-reaching, all encompassing arm of the bandwagon-Yankees fan. A Pennsylvania licence plate, supporting the Yankees. You know, I didn’t see some crummy Eagles bumper sticker, or cheese-steak grease all over his fat face, so I have to assume he’s not from Philly. That being said, I can’t blame him. I mean, who is he gonna root for? The Pirates?
// November 9th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized
It was a bad weekend for me: UConn lost and the Bills had a bye week. So, this video is the best I’ve got. Some FWG fans stalking the shit out of Tom Cruise. So the video is of Tom (do you mind if I call you, Tom?) filming his new movie “Wichita” or “Knight and Day” trying to fish tail into a parking spot on the top of the Copley Parking Garage. He isn’t doing a half bad job. Someone asked if it was a stunt double, and I’m going to go ahead and say, “No!” Tom Cruise doesn’t need a stunt double, not when he’s got the forces of Scientology protecting him. That’s a fact.
Special thanks to Mike and Meg for sending this to me.
Got News? Tips? Anything worth mentioning? Send it over to TheFatWhiteGuy[at]Gmail.com
// November 6th, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized
It has occurred to me, on more than one occasion, that I am a career underdog, and I am fine with that. Not really great at any one thing. The old cliche, “Jack of all trades, master of none” probably best describes me. So, its time that I took a collective look at how life has treated me, now that football is over and I relegated to a life of “legendary status”(in my own mind).
I work for NESN.com
Excellent, absolutely awesome job. Kudos to Mike Hall and Eric Ortiz for plucking me out of the masses of bloggers and former athletes out there. However, I never got a formal headshot, so while I do have an awesome “real” job, my fat little head barely fits in the profile window (see below).
“Whats so bad about that?” you might be saying. Truth is, my chubby little face doesn’t look too bad. But then you see the look of real professionals. Like former Stanford baseball standout, turned sports editor, turned my boss, Eric Ortiz.
Dignified. Professional.
Maybe it is the fact that I provide no real service to the world, but nothing about my fat face says, you should trust this guy about what he has to say about sports. Maybe his opinion on food, or cholesterol lowering drugs, but other than that, (and as a general rule of thumb) never trust a man who looks like his neck his trying to swallow his head. It’s bad for business.
// November 5th, 2009 // No Comments » // Minnesota, Uncategorized
There is not a lot that can cheer me up the night that the Yankees win the World Series. Puppies, my girlfriend, that’s the short list. For the rest of the population, near-gratuitous photos of scantily clad bar-goers does the trick. For that segment of America, I have you covered. Here’s what you missed last night, aside from all the Yankee “Fans” coming out of hiding for the first time this century. Hooray Bandwagon!
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