Archive for March, 2010

Your Fat White Guy Moment Of The Week: McDonalds-U

// March 31st, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

SHANGHAI – McDonald’s inaugurated its first Hamburger University in China on Tuesday to train new generations of managers as foreign companies step up efforts to develop and keep Chinese talent.
“It’s because of China’s strategic importance to McDonald’s that we have chosen to have our new Hamburger University in Shanghai,” said Fenton. “We have to get ahead of the people curve.”
Hamburger U. Shanghai’s courses can be used in some cases to earn college credit and the company says graduates use such schools as a springboard to pursue college degrees.

“We will do our best to be the Harvard for our industry,” said the school’s dean, Susanna Li.

This is a school for fat kids.  I couldn’t make this stuff up.  You can talk “global innovation, revenue streams, synergy” ’til your blue in the face.  But I know what this really is.   Literally if I thought to myself, “Hmmm, what would I call a school that teaches people how to be fat? How about Hamburger University.”  It would not even take an ounce of creative fiber to come up with that.  But, not only does it actually exist, but “we” are putting one in China.  Brilliant! Now I have to wonder what the class schedule will be like.  You know there’s going to be some slacker only taking 12 credits, “Fountain Soda 101″ and “Advanced Burger Flipping Dynamics”.  This is all new and interesting to a population not yet fully exposed to the wonders of processed buns and slabs of meat formally known as “cow rectum.” I bet those people don’t even know what a Big Mac is.  Imagine how excited they’ll be when they have to write their “McGriddle Thesis.”

Thanks to Alexandra for the tip


13 Year Old Sues UConn; Clinches Lifetime of Nerd-hood

// March 29th, 2010 // 17 Comments » // Uncategorized


STORRS, Conn. — Even at 13, Colin Carlson believes he’s running out of time.

Colin is a sophomore at the University of Connecticut, seeking a bachelor’s degree in ecology and evolutionary biology and another in environmental studies. But he’s been knocked off course by the university’s rejection of his request to take a class that includes summer field work in South Africa.  So he’s filed an age discrimination claim with the university and U.S. Department of Education, which is investigating.  “I’m losing time in my four-year plan for college,” he said. “They’re upsetting the framework of one of my majors.” [Huffington Post]

“Upsetting the framework of one of my majors”?!?  First, what 13 year old kid uses the word “framework”?  Second, “ONE” of his majors?  When I was 13 I was more concerned with Y2K and playing the “world is ending, let’s go make out -card” at Katheryn Wright’s house than I was with getting multiple college degrees.

No study abroad program will save this kid from being on the receiving end of ridicule and beatings until his mid 40’s.  And he can forget about ever relating to the normal course of the human experience, yeah he waived that luxury the minute he sued UConn and volunteered to let his mom “chaperone his studies”

This kid dies a (very smart) virgin.

Thanks to Alex for the tip.

[Huffington Post]

This Is What A Man’s Grocery List Looks Like

// March 29th, 2010 // 11 Comments » // Uncategorized


Three things.  Three simple things.  If this was the only trace of my existence left behind, anthropologists would marvel at the simple yet revealing genius of these three things.

  1. Arugula

    Sure, I could have wrote “lettuce” but that’s uncultured.  Arugula, means “he’s out of his sophomore year, alright.”  This is a veteran move.  Healthy choice, but also says to the ladies, “This guy has his shit together” (however untrue that may be).  Arugula?  You’re damn right.

  2. Chicken

    Well, not as pretentious as writing “steak.”  Says, “hey, I’m not pretending to be someone I’m not.”  Even if I’m getting steak I’ll leave it off the grocery list for the same reason I don’t wear Ed Hardy T-shirts or have a blow0ut: I’m not that guy.

  3. Beer

    Self-explanatory.  It’s delicious and refreshing.  Notice there is no specifics here, just “beer.”  Only an elitist would write “Heineken” or “Corona”  but not this guy.  Busch, Keystone, heck maybe even treat myself with some Genny Lite.

Best part about all this? Not my grocery list (you think I can afford food? On a blogger’s salary…).    Nope, this little gem belongs to the girlfriend’s Dad.   Who, should he ever find out about this blog, will probably forbid his daughter from dating me.  But I think we’d all agree that this blog works better in the first person.

Kentucky vs WVU Elite 8 Game Is Lose - Lose For The Dental Community

// March 27th, 2010 // 12 Comments » // Uncategorized


Well guess all those toothless redneck jokes weren’t so unfounded.  Take THAT Morgantown!  Don’t smile if you make it to the Final Four.

I’d like to make the “tooth brush night” joke here, but I figure the NCAA is too classy to hand out toothbrushes at the Elite 8 match up.  Or are they?…you’re move Amateurism Police.

[Oral Health Loss Of Natural Teeth: State Breakdown.] (

Wake Up With Collegiate Jealousy…

// March 25th, 2010 // 5 Comments » // Uncategorized

arizona-state-girlsSure, your degree is actually worth something.  But that won’t wipe the shit-eating-grin off the faces of the boys from Arizona State.  On one hand you have a life full of success, on the other you have the reason for co-ed academics.   Your move, America.

Went To UConn’s Pro Day

// March 25th, 2010 // 4 Comments » // Minnesota, Uncategorized


Had the pleasure of stopping by UConn this afternoon.  Believe it or not it was my first time back on campus since I left for Austria.  Anyway, I’ll keep it short, its 6:20pm and no one is reading this anyway.  I know it’s cliche to say, but I swear those guys get bigger every year.  And not only that, more talent.  No, I’m not talking about this year’s crop of NFL talent, I mean the freshman, the redshirts, the pimple faced future of UConn Football.  Apparently freshmen have been turning heads so far in Spring ball, could be a “youthful” line up come fall (see what I did there).

As far at the NFL guys go, I’ll keep it brief.  Mike Hicks is slim and trim, and poised to win. Dan Ryan jumped an impressive 32 or 34 inches, depending on who you asked.  Witten and Vaughn improved their 40’s and looked remarkably fit.  Pretty much all I got on that one.

Final Thoughts:

Maybe I’m sounding like the sentimental push over, but there is no program in the country that welcomes back it’s alum like UConn.  Even pseudo-media types like me.  Open arms, lots of hugs, hellos, handshakes, whatever.  Coach Edsall even through me a curve-ball with a brief-man embrace.

Football is probably like bizzaro world in terms of heterosexuality.  Tight pants, ass slaps, hugging, crying, all acceptable on the field or in the stadium.  That goes double for the combine and pro-day.  You remove the element of pads, and add in a display of spandex, compression shorts, and cameras.  And I love it.  Well if that makes me gay then fine.  I’m as gay as they come.  My dad probably just choked on his late noon coffee.

Saw D-But (Darius Butler) at the facility.  Good news Patriots fans (bad news Bills fans), the  kid is still as athletic and muscular as ever.

Best Show On TV: Modern Family

// March 22nd, 2010 // 20 Comments » // Uncategorized

Sure that’s a bold statement, especially for a guy who watches a ton of TV. But Modern Family is the best show out there.  The Office has fallen off, LOST gets me more and more confused every week, but then there is Modern Family on Wednesday nights, tickling my funny bone, and other unmentionables.

Final Thoughts:

Sofia Vergara was the first pinup I ever had.  September 2001, Maxim Magazine.  My mother, in a fit of over zealous Spring cleaning through out this “special” issue a year ago.  It was a sad day, but she’s also in Modern Family.  Nothing clever about how hot she is.  She stupid hot.

Who Is Charlie Whitehurst?

// March 22nd, 2010 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized


Seahawks fans, your team just dropped 20 slots in the second round of this years draft and shipped a 2011 third round pick to the Chargers for a third string QB who has not thrown a single pass in the regular season in four years; Are you going to Disney World, or sprawled out in the rain watching overpriced coffee poor out of your freshly sliced wrists while Nirvana blasts in the background?

Shoot over to FWG-NFL to read the rest.

March Madness Live Blog

// March 21st, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

Get that refresh key ready, I’m going for a second helping of Live Blogging over at  Tune in from 4pm to 10pm tonight at ROB LUNN LIVE BLOGS for more gems like this:

11 p.m.: Some teams advanced to the Sweet 16 in spectacular fashion Saturday night. Yes, I’m talking about you, Northern Iowa. Stunning upsets, crushing defeat, even Wake Forest found itself on the receiving end of a good, old-fashioned Kentucky smackdown.

Too much excitement, your bookie calling in a threatening manner?

Fret not, college basketball fan. For Sunday, you can either watch basketball or those frolicking tennis twins that CBS found appropriate to plug 60 times over the last seven hours.

My Bracket Is Donezo…Get The Kool-Aid Ready

// March 19th, 2010 // 4 Comments » // Uncategorized

cult-suicideIts probably the only time of the year when it is acceptable for grown men to yell furiously at their office computers (thanks live streaming) or, call it quits at noon mid week.  Double Whammy on the mid week drinking by the way, St. Pats?.. now this?  I bet the campus of Notre Dame looks like a scene from Jonestown.  Just bodies strewn everywhere, blacked out from excessive green beer.  I feel bad for the people in South Bend, just a joyless existence out there…you know, besides mediocre football and touchdown Jesus.