Archive for April, 2010

Let Morbidly Obese Kid Singing Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance” Take You Into The Weekend

// April 30th, 2010 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

Poor bastard.  Not only is he immortalized on YouTube in this video, but I’m pretty sure that was his dad walking around with no pants on in the background.  Good luck at your 13th birthday, kid.

Final Thought:

I will give him an A+ for really selling those dance moves.  Kid’s got it, and he knows it…. and when you got it, you just got it.

Thanks to Mikey for the tip.

Could You Be Mr. Right?

// April 30th, 2010 // 5 Comments » // Uncategorized

mr-rightEveryday I comb the Craigslist Personals in search of plus-sized love.  Rarely do I ever find anything worth posting….until today:

LOOKING 4 MR,RIGHT

AM A BIG SEXY WOMAN, I AM FUN TO HANG OUT WITH, I DO NOT PLAY GAME’S, I AM LOOKING FOR THAT MAN WHO LIKE’S THE SAME THING’S I DO . LIKE FOOTBALL AND BASKETBALL, WALK’S ON THE BEACH’S, AND GOING TO THE MOVIE’S. WALL IT YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE, THEN PLEASE GET AT ME.

I’ve already “got at her”

[Craigslist]

Happy Friday People

This Week’s Sign Of The Apocalypse: Boy Scout Fail

// April 30th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

video-game-merrit-badgeIntroducing the video-game merit badge.  Alright, alright, in all fairness it’s just a “belt loop” but who cares?  Now we are rewarding the future leaders of America for playing the games that are making them too fat to fight? Requirements to “earn” this badge are listed below:

Academics Pin

Earn the Video Games belt loop and complete five of the following requirements:

  1. With your parents, create a plan to buy a video game that is right for your age group.
  2. Compare two game systems (for example, Microsoft Xbox, Sony PlayStation, Nintendo Wii, and so on). Explain some of the differences between the two. List good reasons to purchase or use a game system.
  3. Play a video game with family members in a family tournament.
  4. Teach an adult or a friend how to play a video game.
  5. List at least five tips that would help someone who was learning how to play your favorite video game.
  6. Play an appropriate video game with a friend for one hour.
  7. Play a video game that will help you practice your math, spelling, or another skill that helps you in your schoolwork.
  8. Choose a game you might like to purchase. Compare the price for this game at three different stores. Decide which store has the best deal. In your decision, be sure to consider things like the store return policy and manufacturer’s warranty.
  9. With an adult’s supervision, install a gaming system.

[Scouting.org]

I’m glad to know that should we get in a pinch, little Bobby Boy Scout won’t be able to start a fire, but he’ll have no trouble teaching me how to master Halo 3.

Thanks to PJ for the tip

Your Fat White Guy Moment Of The Week

// April 29th, 2010 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

One of my fondest childhood memories is my Dad taking me to McD’s to get after school a Happy Meal for me, cheeseburgers for him, and of course a lifetime of poor body image.  But you know what, growing up a fat kid made me tough, and who are these people to deprive these kids of happy meals. A happy meal is nothing without the choking hazard or “toy” included.  Would Jay-Z be what he is today, if not for growing up in Marcy, school of the hard-knocks?  Answer is no, people.  Shit no!  Without Happy Meals Thoughts From a Fat White Guy would probably be Thoughts From a 24 Year Old With Low LDL Cholesterol.  Give the kids their toys, with fries and a coke.

If I See Someone Walking Around With A Tebow Jersey, I’ll Probably Slap The Shit Out Of Them

// April 29th, 2010 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

tebow-jerseySo according to every major news outlet, that considers this news, Tebow’s jersey is not the hottest selling in the NFL.  Say what you will about the game, or marketing, but this really speaks more about the fans.  People need to have a little more pride about themselves.  If you are going to wear another man’s name on your back, how about someone who has…oh I don’t know, played an NFL game?  Go with the classic, proven time winners: Namath, Montana, Kelly, Marino, Butkis, hell even Rice.  Doesn’t matter if they didn’t play for your team, you can still respect what they’ve accomplished.

Which is exactly the problem, young Timothy, Denver’s newest resident hasn’t done shit.  Unless you count putting McDaniel’s job on the linehe-hate-me and costing his team their  2nd, 3rd, and 4th round picks.  This is a sell out move.  People who buy a Tebow jersey are going to feel exactly the same as those guys with XFL “He Hate Me” Jerseys in their closet: Stupid for the purchase, legendary at Halloween for the collectors item.

Bottom line, if I see you wearing this jersey, I’m going to slap the shit out of you.  The end.

The Decade’s Definitive “NFL All-Bust Team” Part II: Defense

// April 28th, 2010 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

pacman-jonesToday we are running Part II of The Decade’s Definitive NFL All-Bust Team over on FWG-NFL we’ve combed over thousands of possible candidates to bring you the 11 best (or worst, depending on how you see it).  The young man above is Adam “PacMan” Jones.  While you should go and check out the rest of the picks here I’d like to share with you a story about my time, albeit brief, with Mr. Jones.

PacMan, as he was known then (before the second coming of Adam), was a standout DB for West Virginia.  They came to  Rentschler Field in 2004 to play us (UConn).  If you didn’t guess, now you know; we got blown out.  Not even close.  Even with future NFL Draft picks Dan Orlovsky and Alfred Fincher, we just couldn’t match the speed or athleticism of the Mountaineers, who were led by that young stud on defense; PacMan Jones.

Well come the 3rd quarter, frustrations were high with our linebacker (and now CFL player) Mo Lloyd. Mo was a tremendous talent, and would go on to set the record for tackles in Motor City Bowl.  Anyway, Mo was jawing at PacMan, I believe it was a special teams play, when PacMan retailiated not with words (that 3rd grade vocabulary must have eluded him) but  by spitting in Mo’s face and following it up by grabbing his facemask.

In the NFL, where character is king, I’m not sure how they missed this red flag.  But their mistake is our reward, which is why I’d like to extend an heartfelt congratulations to PacMan, as he now sits perched high atop our list of the greatest NFL Busts of all time.

Penn Football Players Death a Suicide

// April 28th, 2010 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

owen-thomasI hate news like this.  And I hope that Owen Thomas’s family is okay right now.  I hope this sheds some light on a major issue in the NCAA:  There is absolutely ZERO mental health evaluation.  Millions of dollars spent on training facilities, weight rooms, state of the art rehab, but absolutely no institutions set up in place to help players cope with the stress of major college football, even at the Ivy League level (as was the case with Thomas).

Not to mention that every medical study on concussions includes some research/diagnosis that points to depression as a result of traumatic brain injury.  I’ve brought it up before, as have others.  Hopefully now the NCAA will pay attention to their athlete’s, doing something with athlete’s best interest in mind.

Expect a full write up on NESN this week.

[Penn Player's Death Ruled Suicide]

FWG Goes Shopping (In Bulk): Hilarity Ensues

// April 27th, 2010 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

bjs_wholesale_club_vaBuying groceries in bulk says one of two things: I’m savvy about consumer products over the long-term or, I’m a fat kid and I’m just giving in.  Lucky for me, and thanks to Kevin Weiss I fall somewhere in the middle.  Armed with a shopping list, my trips usually take no more than 10 minutes.  5 dozen eggs, chicken breasts, perhaps a 5lb sack of Peanut M&M’s.  The bottom line is I’m in and out.

Well, today no such luck.  Forgot my “membership card.” Which, by the way is absolutely the least exclusive club to which you can be a member.  But, don’t tell that to the people in front of me at the customer service center.  An older gentleman and his wife who, oblivious to the line growing ever longer behind them, decided to ponder the pros and cons of renewing the membership. “But honey, we’ll save $45 if we re-sign today, not to mention the coupon book.”
“Yes, Fred, but this is only our third trip this April”

“But Louise…..(makes gesture toward printed stack of magazines) The coupons!”

Ah yes, I had forgotten that old people and coupons are two peas in a pod.  There is nothing they like more than coupons, except for perhaps stealing  batteries and angrily fist pumping at traffic from their front porch.  I was stuck behind an endless loop of  “savings vs. renewal fee vs. the almighty coupon book”

Would it ever end?  The short answer: Yes. The long answer: Dr. Kevorkian’s patients took less time making decisions.

15 minutes later I was still stuck there, drowning in the metaphor that my life had become.  I’m not sure whether I was the youngest and most impatient, or perhaps it’s that my entire perspective on life is fast paced, but I really felt like clawing my eyes out.  The kicker was, after the debate had been settled (Score 1 for Fred and his savings!) they proceeded to update their photo ID’s.  And heck, why not?  With only a few years left on Life’s scorecard, these kid’s need to look their best for BJ’s Wholesale Club door-checkers. Which by the way, is the worlds best job.  Hole punching receipts and getting to inspect groceries; really getting a feel for what Americans are eating these days:

Ahh, I see you chose the 40 serving size package of Oreo Double Stuff’d. Smart choice, for a smart shopper (Smiles).

I’ll fast forward through my shopping experience just know that it was all along the theme of “I don’t want to be the kid wearing his shirt in the pool, this summer.” (Yeah, I nix’d the Oreos) But like some cold, concrete-floored hell, guess who I was behind in checkout.

Fred and Louise, and Yes they were looking for their coupons.  Scanning them for items they didn’t even purchase, then…rescanning.

Why, why does God hate me?

Short answer: Because I’m impatient with old people.  Long answer: Because I tried to run Fred and Louise down in the parking lot.

The Decade’s Definitive “NFL All-Bust Team”

// April 27th, 2010 // 5 Comments » // Minnesota, Uncategorized

jamarcus

Jay and Will, the boys over at Thoughts From a Fat White Guy: NFL have put together the definitive list on this decade’s worst draft busts.  A few surprises along the way.  Be sure to go and check it out, tomorrow they post the defensive side of the ball, and no…I’m not on there.

Our NFL site is also run by former players, along with our MLB site.You’ll get the same high sarcasm/self deprecation writing, laden with pop culture references and zero journalistic responsibility you’ve come to expect from the FWG franchise.  It’s our pleasure.

Again, thank you for your support of “What we do here.”

UNH Tight End Scott Sicko Calls It Quits

// April 26th, 2010 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

William and Mary New Hampshire FootballScott Sicko went undrafted this year.  And now, despite considerable interest from teams around the NFL, he says that his playing days are done.  He’s going to continue his education; Getting a degree in history.

I’ll have a full write-up over on NESN in an hour or so.  But, part of me wants to tell this kid to get over his ego.  So you weren’t drafted? Who cares?  Make the most of your athletic ability while you still can.  You can teach high school history for the rest of your life, but this chance is once in a lifetime.  Trust me, you’re one the cusp of relevancy.

I mean if you are sick of football, that’s one thing.  But it’s entirely another to say that because you weren’t drafted you won’t play in the NFL.

Insert ‘Sicko” pun here.