Where FWG Will Be Blogging From This Summer

// April 26th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

If the picture above, which features the native population doesn’t tell you all you need to know, then here it is:

Martha’s Vineyard.  That’s right

But don’t worry, I’ve prepared.  I’ve got my Madras shorts, boat shoes, and Croakies (sp?) all ready.  Now all I have to do is work on my general disdain for the unwashed masses.  Expect a call, Kennedy family!

I’ll be an editor for a local paper there, as my blogging career takes a pleasant turn towards the sun and fun of island life, there is only one concern: me on the beach.

You want to know how “fat kid on the beach” plays out?  Allow me to enlighten you:  Sweaty, glistening, and 60% chance of wearing T-shirt in the ocean, fooling no one.

Can $258 Million Get You An Appointment At The Dentist? This Man Hopes So

// April 23rd, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

JEFFERSON CITY, Mo. – A Missouri man who won a $258 million Powerball jackpot and plans to use some of the money to pay bills, replace his two missing front teeth and take his children to Disney World said he hasn’t decided yet if he’ll quit his job at the convenience store where he bought the winning ticket.

He accepted his ceremonial check at the Missouri Lottery headquarters in Jefferson City wearing a tan and red plaid shirt, a red hat and a huge grin — minus two front teeth he says he lost because he didn’t take care of them but can now afford to have replaced.

Shaw said he had just $28.96 in his bank account

Excuse me for juxtaposing Christopher Shaw and our dear friend Cletus.  It’s just a undeniable likeness of being.  Both of them share similar hopes, dreams, aspirations, not to mention they both lost teeth because they “didn’t take care of them.”  It’s like he just won the Super Bowl, Where’s he going? “I’m going to Disney World!”  You’re damn right you are, with $258 million bucks in your pocket, that’s a lot of trips down magic mountain.

Later on in the piece he talks about how he’ll take his payment, saying that “he’s going to ask people who know about money.”  And while I doubt he knows any such people (I know I don’t),  that is a remarkably smart move.  Especially for a man that only $26 dollars in a checking account, and spent $5 on a Lottery ticket.  Bold move sir, bold move indeed.

[Yahoo]

Wake Up! ….With A Metaphor For How Your Sad Life Has Become

// April 22nd, 2010 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized, wob

Introducing the "Girlfriend Pillow"

Sears has really taken the guess work out of what guys are looking for in a woman:  lumpy breasts and one arm.  They’ve boiled down the whole girlfriend-experience to this polyester and felt pillow: Two boobs, one arm, and no judgement .  Shit, I’ll take 10!Unfortunately the “Wife” model comes with crushing guilt and an in-law attachment.

Yes, this is very, very real….and from Sears.

This Week’s Sign Of The Apocalypse: This Qualifies as “News” In Iowa

// April 21st, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

This was the lead on BOTH of Iowa’s major news networks.  I’m not hating on Iowa, some of my  best friends are from there but that doesn’t change the fact that this is absurd.  Not to mention the commentary from my intern, “That’s probably the best looking group of women in Iowa”  Well played, Fred.  Well played.

Anyway, if you want to rag on someone from Iowa that isn’t an English Bulldog, be sure to check out Tyler Lorenzen (of the New Orleans Saints) on twitter: http://twitter.com/TylerLorenzen

Your Fat White Guy Moment Of The Week

// April 21st, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

WASHINGTON – Too fat to fight? Many American children are so overweight from being fed french fries, pizza and other unhealthy foods at school lunchrooms that they cannot handle the physical rigors of being in the military, a group of retired officers say in a new report.

National security is threatened by the sharp rise in obesity rates for young people over the last 15 years, the group Mission: Readiness contends. Weight problems are now the leading medical reason that recruits are rejected, the group says, and thus jeopardize the military’s ability to fill its ranks.
[Yahoo]

We are a nation of fat people.  There.  I said it.  Not that I endorse it or celebrate it, or that my entire “brand” is based on it.  There are several types of “fat” which this “report” fails to quantify.  There is “Skinny-Fat” which is where you have managed to stay a tall glass of water, while at the same time maintaining no muscle whatsoever.  Of course there is “Classic-Fat” which is your standard big ball of chewed-bubble gum.  Then there is “Record Setting-Fat” which is like Gilbert Grape’s mother.  So there is no “standard” for obesity.  But regardless of these inaccuracies, apparently Americans are too fat to fight.  Call it a day people, the hippies have won.

[Yahoo]

Thanks to Alex for the tip.

Breaking News! Tim Tebow Doesn’t Want To Become The Next Brady Quinn

// April 21st, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Former Florida quarterback Tim Tebow has decided not to attend the NFL draft in New York City and instead will watch it at his home in Jacksonville, Fla., a league source told ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter.

According to the source, Tebow believes it would be too hard to get his whole family and his friends to New York in time for the draft’s first round on Thursday night.

Allow me to translate:  “Too hard to get his whole family [to New York]” means:  I don’t want to sit around like Brady Quinn as I check my iPhone to see what the weather is like in Edmonton, Canada (Go Eskimos!).  Conversely, Brady Quinn should be excited that his lasting legacy in the NFL will be teaching future pros how to avoid embarrassment….at least until they get set loose on the Pittsburgh night life, at that point they’re on their own.

Dick Vitale Loves Tim Tebow: Barry Petchesky Takes The Lead

// April 20th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

[Intangibles] [Toughness], he [wants to win]

I wish that I could be the first to comment on this.  Unfortunately someone was not only first, but did it better.  Barry Petchesky over at Deadspin, to quote Barry:

Color Me Fucking Shocked:  Dick Vitale Loves Tim Tebow:

You had to know Vitale would have a chubby for Tebow, the embodiment of heart. It was inevitable. The college basketball sportscaster chimes in today with an unbearable column about why Tebow should be taken high in the draft.

Check out the rest over at DEADSPIN

I Failed To Realize That Patriot’s Day Is Only A Real Holiday In Massachusetts

// April 20th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

You might have wondered why there were no posts last Friday, and again yesterday.  I failed to take into account the fact that no one outside of Massachusetts even remotely considers Patriots Day a “real” holiday.  It’s about as relevant as the summer solstice.  And no, I don’t know what the means.  But judging by the 100’s of emails, you people were pissed.

I’ll make up for it this week, I promise.

MIT Has a Serious Problem With Personal Hygiene

// April 14th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

And that  kid was dead serious about drawing that graph of how good grades is inversely proportional to body odor.  Got ourselves a classic Good Will Hunting situation here.  Which is why smart girls are rarely pretty.  It’s also why fat chicks have great personalities.  WHDH has to cool it with the double entendres and puns, I get it alright.  They smell.

Former Kentucky OC Rick Rhoades Is Pissed About Getting Out Coached

// April 14th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Juuuust when I thought my association with Austrian Football was over, this gem lands in my lap.  Here you  have former Kentucky offensive coordinator Rick Rhoades talking about his team, the Graz Giants getting upset by the Carinthian Black Lions.  Which, to put it terms people this side of the pond will understand, is like my high school team beating the Chicago Bears.  This Black Lions don’t have a coaching staff this year (budget cuts, blame the economy, etc). My favorite part is how the social cues by Rhoades are totally lost on our Austrian interviewer,  and of course this exchange:

“Coach, i think that wasn’t what you expected, what went wrong today?”
“How much time you got…they out-hit us, they out-coached us, they out-uh-…
“”They out coached you? They actually don’t have any coach”
“Yeah, I’m very much aware of that”

And the condescending laughter is also a bonus.  Chin up, Coach Rhoades.

Thanks to Ryan for the tip.