Archive for May, 2010

The Rook’s Got Orange Pride: Future Hooters Alum

// May 28th, 2010 // 5 Comments » // Uncategorized

There’s nothing like unpacking your cruise wear and finding your purpose in life.

Seriously.  After a four-day bender in the Bahamas I’ve lost my dignity, my bikini bottoms,  and all sense of purpose because I know the next 9months will be spent in a dimly lit office.  But no.  Knee deep in all the sand that shook from my sundresses, this 30-second spot came on during Jersey Shore and I thought I was still drunk on daquiris.  One thing’s for sure, the Hooter’s marketing VP sure was.

“The value of serving others”…indeed.

The Burger King said I could have it ‘my way’ with a side of fries.  But sexy and successful?  I knew I could have it all.

All I have to say is sign me up for Sid’s 10-year plan.

FWG SIDE NOTE: Rook is a girl

The Rook Presents: High School USA

// May 27th, 2010 // 8 Comments » // Uncategorized

In talking with my high school aged cousins the other day (just after I returned from buying them beer and cigarettes) I realized that the halls of hormones known as my formative years are not the same as the used to be.

How about the bonfire rally? Your first job flipping burgers at McDonald’s? Field Day when you got to pie your English teacher? Remember your senior prank? Living for Friday nights? That feeling of being young and free does not include pinning raccoon tails to your jeans, howling at your classmates.

I think we need to stop handing out those little plastic trophies to every kid on the t-ball team. And start brainwashing with the all-American, feel good episodes of Friday Night Lights (Fridays on NBC at 8pm). I fully endorse FNL - and will cancel dates, postpone vacations, and call in sick to Bingo in order to get that taste of Friday Night Light America…of cheap Natty Lights, burgers on the grill, and yelling for your hometown football team. Yeah. That’s the stuff.

You Know We Have A Baseball Site Too, Right?

// May 27th, 2010 // 8 Comments » // Uncategorized

The “Jay Hawk”….really? Worst face of a franchise ever.

Look here, FWG readership I’m not going to tell you what to do, but you need to go visit our MLB site immediately.  I know I’m hilarious and so is “The Rook” (sporadic contributor to this site), but I’ve got a virtual stable of dynamite talent contributing over there, so go look immediately, here’s a taste:

As I sit on my couch and watch the Red Sox on the verge of a sweep in the airplane hanger that is Tropicana Field, it dawned on me. There is NO reason why both Yankees and Red Sox fans shouldn’t hate the Rays more than their traditional rival, especially this version.

Since I’ve already mentioned their terrible stadium, I might as well start with it. The problem is, I don’t even know where to begin. What’s worse? how dimly lit it is? How shitty the turf looks? The “Ray Tank” in the outfield (UGH!)??? The only ball-park feature that even touches how crappy that tank is, are the mountains the Angels have in center field (trust me, I could write an equally long article about how terrible the Angels are).

Of course, we also have “The Trop’s” ground rules. Dustin Pedroia popped out to the catcher the other night, or so I thought. Turns out the ball struck a speaker in foul territory before it came down, so he got to take another hack. Good this Andrew Friedman (Rays GM), was in the ESPN booth to clear up the confusion. You see, if a ball strikes any of the speakers or catwalks in foul territory it’s a dead ball, but if it
hits anything in fair territory it’s in play. However, that also depends on whether the ball falls into fair or foul territory when it comes down, it also depends on where it hits said object hanging from the ceiling, because it also could be a home run (you getting all this?). Jeez, I’m sorry, when baseballs are hit into the air aren’t they only supposed to hit, AIR? I’ll give the old Metrodome and Kingdome a pass here. The weather in Minneapolis and Seattle isn’t always conducive to playing ball outside, but we’re talking about a stadium in Tampa, Florida. I’ve heard the whether is normally pretty nice down there (Note: both the Twins and Mariners now play outside).

Reason number two, their “fans.” These people drive me nuts. First off, I’m still not totally convinced Rays fans actually exist. They are one of the best teams in baseball and currently rank 9 out of 14 in attendance in the American League, outdrawn by the
18-25 White Sox, 16-28 Mariners and 21-25 Angels. The performance they put on in the playoffs in 2008 was DISGUSTING (”Hey guys, we were just waiting for the Rays to be relevant to come out to the ballpark! BUT WE STILL DESERVE THIS!!!”). I’d like to not even get into the damned cowbells they ring, but those things just go to show how clueless people in Tampa are when it comes to baseball. Where the hell are they? A high
School football game? What’s next, empty milk jugs with pennies in them?

See this is exactly why I don’t bet on baseball, because somehow shithole fans like this will their mediocre clubs to victory. The NFL odds are far better than the baseball ones, based on this fact alone.

Read the rest at FWG-MLB

1 Year Old Snowboarder Hits The Slopes

// May 27th, 2010 // 7 Comments » // Uncategorized

So my buddy Mike sends me this video and says “this depresses the shit out of me.”  See, Mike is a first time snowboarder and to put it mildly, decided after his first time out that a helmet would be a great investment.  I laughed, thought the video was cute as hell, but as I got up to get my 4th cup of coffee it hit me:

First, this video isn’t cute, it’s creepy.  What kind of parent sends their 1 year old child hurling down a mountain with her feet strapped to a wooden plank?

Second, while yes this girl might be a better snowboarder than mike, there is plenty of stuff he can do that she cant:

  1. Not poop yourself
  2. Talk
  3. Drink a beer
  4. Not get easily distracted by bright lights
  5. Watch a PG-13 movie

You’re move, toddler.  Come talk to me when you’re 24, blogging, and living in a 3rd floor walk-up, until then I’m not impressed.


Creepy Communications Guy Can’t Keep Hands To Himself

// May 27th, 2010 // 5 Comments » // Rob Lunn, Uncategorized

First off who is the Ken Brockman look-a-like covering this story.  Second off, the “meeting after the meeting” line is priceless, “I’m sorry I can’t attend there is, uh, a meeting after the meeting” someone has been to the Michael Scott School of Business I take it.  Anyway, how many times do you tell this guy to get his hands off you before you make him take them off, I think the generally accepted number is 4.  Yeah, 4 times then you can punch him in the nose.

Are You As Desperate For Football Season As I Am? Good. In The Meantime Here Is A 2 Year Old Singing Justin Bieber

// May 26th, 2010 // 10 Comments » // Minnesota, Uncategorized

I don’t want to say that I “discovered” Justin Bieber, because I’m sure there was like, one maybe two “tweens” out there that loved him before I did.  Also I don’t want to come off all Al Gore and be like “yeah, I invented the internet” but that being said….I think I have been preaching the Gospel of Bieber since before he was twitter-dating Kim Kardashian.  Best radio staion on Pandora?  That’s easy, it’s “Justin Bieber Radio”

R.I.P. Jared Allen’s Mullet

// May 26th, 2010 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized


Jared Allen cut his beautiful mullet for (and I’m quoting him) “love.”  Had to for the wedding.  I say, why marry a girl who won’t let you rock your Kentucky Waterfall on the most important day of her life.  A little selfish if you ask me.

The Rook Presents: Downhill for Danica Patrick

// May 26th, 2010 // 7 Comments » // Uncategorized

Headline reads: Tony Kanaan tells teammate Danica Patrick to improve her attitude.

Please Kanaan make fun of her helmet hair, tell her that neon green racing onesie makes her look fat too.  Didn’t you learn anything from Hitch?  As if the future of Nascar weren’t already riding on her upcoming photo shoots and Sports Illustrated swimsuit spread… During these tough times of oil spills, Indy fans have become cruel and unforgiving - can you blame for demanding more than starting at 23rd for the big race?  Next thing you know she’ll be waist deep in cans of Bud Light, thumbing a ride to the next Nascar venue.

Or drifting to San Francisco to take up Big Wheel Racing.


Somehow zooming down asphalt on a 3-year-old’s plastic crotch rocket doesn’t quite hit it home like Yankee baseball or Jamaican bobsledding, but I get it.  They’re way more reliable than scooters.  I remember my RA in college had a Razor scooter…and if you saw him you would absolutely know why walking may have been an issue.  When he wasn’t creeping outside the girls bathroom, we’d see him wheeling and dealing through campus, simply plowing through crowds.  Recklessly powered by shear body mass and ez-glide wheels.  Big Wheels could have saved lives.

Average Joe, move over before Average Armstrong and Downhill Danica run you over.  This skittermark sport has staked its claim after a decade of officially unofficial Big Wheel racing, and once there’s an eco-friendly government backing on it the sponsorships will be rolling in.  Since Transformers 3 dropped Megan Fox, the cult will be able to scoop her up for promos and tours.  Not sure how one goes about tailgating for such an event.  I can imagine it involves trading POGS and enjoying finger foods like peanut butter & banana sangwiches.

Andretti, Patrick, Kanaan, Franchetti, Dixon…there’s a lot at stake this Sunday when they fire that starting gun at Indy.

Marijuana: The Calorie Free Alternative To Beer

// May 25th, 2010 // 9 Comments » // Uncategorized

Now you might be saying to yourself, wait a minute  that title and video don’t match up, and you’re right.  The video is about all the hippies in California learning to cultivate/sell marijuana.  It’s basically Pot-College, which is a lot like what my friends at UC-Boulder and the University of Vermont attended.  Not suprisingly, Pot-College California has the world’s best ultimate frisby/hacky-sack team.  Anyway, I’ll tie it all together with this excerpt from friend of the program, Drew Magary over at Deadspin:

9. I drastically cut down on boozing. This is a deal breaker for many people. But the unfair truth is that a six-pack after dinner adds about 900 calories, all of which go to your FUPA. So I cut down on it and spent weeks at a time dead sober. I have two kids and no friends, so this wasn’t a big deal for me. If you’re in college? Eh, not too realistic. But you know what has NO calories? WEED.