2010 May | Thoughts from a fat white guy

Cutest Thing You’ll See Today (Followed By Ignorant Email)

// May 24th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Reader E-mail:

FWG-

Love the blog, blah blah blah, I’m fat too. Anyway, here’s’ this video ofa 6 year old girl pumping herself up in the mirror. Don’t know if you do a caption contest but, if you do I’d like to title this one “Do you thing she realizes she’s a girl?” or “She’s obviously never heard of the glass ceiling”

Keep fighting the good fight

-Dave

I’m not going to sit here and pretend that FWG is some champion of women’s rights, but I’ve got a girlfriend, a mom, and a handful of sisters. So when someone drops the “inequality bomb” all over this littler girl’s cuteness, I get pissed. I mean who is to say that this girl won’t grow up to be a loving housewife or waitress? Maybe even someday, if she’s lucky, a school nurse. See, it’s simple minded people like Dave that really make think about calling it quits on this whole blogging thing, but someone has to do the Lord’s work.

I’ve Been Watching Lost For 6 Years And I Missed The Finale

// May 24th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

For six years, six long and frustrating and often confusing years I’ve toiled with the passengers of Oceanic Flight 815. I’ve watched them get shot, find water, make IV’s out of sea urchin, survive asthma attacks using menthol. I’ve watched them regain use of their legs, get kidnapped by clouds of black smoke, shoot polar bears in the jungle. I’ve watched them lose use of their legs, chase after dogs in the woods, find giant hatches, and discover hydrogen bombs. I’ve watched them regain use of said lost (formerly regained) leg usage, and I’ve watched them travel through time (I think).

What I have NOT watched is how this all ends. That’s right, I missed the last episode last night. Over the last 6 years I have not missed one episode, not one. I’ve even re-watched the first five seasons (thanks Netflix!). I had some pressing matters, like setting up the girlfriend’s dad’s home media network (yeah I just nerded out, deal with it).

So now today my job is not blogging hilarity for all of you (yes, I know I do it well), it’s trying to navigate the web with blinders on. Do you have any idea how tough that is? Not to mention my roommate watched the entire thing last night and the entire ride home was trying to tell me what happened. I’m currently downloading the episodes, but they won’t be done for a few hours, so where does that leave me? I tried watching Sports Center, boom LOST reference. Opened up Yahoo!…another reference. Even my Mom called to talk about it.

I’m literally afraid to navigate to my favorite websites (Alas, I won’t be seeing you today either, Deadspin).

I’ve received several emails titled “LOST, what did you think” or similar. I don’t know what to think, actually. I’ve been a dedicated fan for over 6 years and I’ve missed arguably the most important episode of all time. So, I’m going to post this and I’m sure all of you will try and comment and ruin it for me, so I’ve turned off commenting.

I’ll be back later but today is a miserable day.

The Rook Presents: Cruise Season & Memorable Moments with Tony Romo

// May 20th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

It is cruise season and I’m on detox. There is a bikini hanging from every kitchen cabinet of my parent’s house. Keeping me honest. No carbs. Lemon and water. I don’t know why people would ever do this…the days have blurred together and today I yelled at the Christian missionaries handing out granola bars with their fliers. But in my last ditch efforts to diesel down, I’ve resorted to sitting in my beachwear for ‘dinner’ [aka giant bowl of leaves] this Tuesday night. Naturally I’ve had Biggest Loser episodes OnDemand for times like this.

And who else but Tony Romo steals the show with this one-liner:

“I tried to get across what an inspiration these people are — not just to their families, but to anyone who’s struggling with a challenge,” he said. “It’s a fantastic show with a great message.”

My challenge is hiding under some tin foil in the fridge with 2 layers of frosting. But we they have been starving themselves for weeks. You are one of 32 starting QBs in the NFL. And I…I mean…they were expecting more of a Tony Perkis/Heavy Weights production with some spandex, headbands, and a lecture on “Evaluation…key word, ‘value’ - do you have any? Not yet.” Search their cabins for deli meats and candies! Cancel lunch due to their lack of hustle (and tell them to deal with it)! You’re now their dear old Uncle Tony!At least muster up your best impression of a Drew Brees 4th quarter Super Bowl Speech. C’mon T…dig a little deeper.

But Tony, now that you have truly touched the Loser’s lives, you need to take time to focus on you - Tony Romo: the man behind the helmet. The FWG Network is arranging for you to be the next Bachelor; to complete your soul. After which, Dancing With The Stars will scoop ya up for the reality tv trifecta. And next - world peace!

Yes. Romo’s more of a ‘meet me for mimosas in the kiddie pool’ kind of guy anyways. Figures.

How Do We Pay For Education In This Economy? By Taxing Strippers, Of Course.

// May 20th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

I love that they have the lead in interview with Carmella Cioffi, occupation: Stripper. Tremendous.

carmella-cioffi I’m 100% for this, anyone that has ever had the sad, sad pleasure of looking a stripper in the eyes knows how this one plays out: buy the lap dance, convince yourself you’re putting her through college, or helping her buy diapers. Which come to think of it is exactly why this tax is unnecessary: Our dollar bills are putting countless girls with dad issues and single moms through community colleges around the United States.

Study Suggests That Bacon Is Bad For You

// May 19th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized, wob

processed-meat

Chicago (Reuters) Eating hot dogs, bacon, sausage or deli meats increases the chance of heart disease by 42 percent, US researchers said in a report out Monday.

The American Meat Institute objected to the findings, saying it was only one study and that it stands in contrast to other studies and the U.S. Dietary Guidelines for Americans.

“At best, this hypothesis merits further study. It is certainly no reason for dietary changes,” James Hodges, president of the American Meat Institute, said in a statement.

This is headline news? Bacon and processed meats may be bad for you. In other developments cigarettes may cause cancer and driving while drunk may be frowned upon by local authorities. And James Hodges, president of the American Meat Institute, you keep fighting the good fight sir. I love that all this study means to him is that “you should do more studies…no reason for dietary changes.”

He’s like the Phillip - Morris of meat packing. Bonus points on so many levels that this study came out of Chicago, the land of polish sausage, heart of Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle, super fans, and the birthplace of the quadruple bypass. I don’t want to live in a world where I cant get aged Kielbasa or Bratwurst with the cheese built-in.

Yeah these foods are bad for you, but do we really need a study to tell us that? Or do we need the American Meat Institute to deny it? No and No. Eat on, Fatties.

This Is Why You Don’t Screw With Rugby Players

// May 19th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Since I’ve been in Boston my buddy Murph (what? a Murphy in Boston? I don’t believe it) has been trying to get me to play Rugby. I went to one practice loved it, and a bout of dysentery, a network crash, and sales meetings have derailed my otherwise promising career.

That being said, those guys are tough as nails. I’m not saying that Rugby players are better than football players. No, certainly not. I’ve had that argument at least 1,000 times with every European I’ve met along my way, NFL players are better than the best Rugby players. That being said, NFL guys have millions of dollars, and Rugby guys have a pint of beer and only a shred of life’s responsibilities.

What I’m trying to say is, they are a bunch of lovable meatheads with nothing to lose. Which is why when you decide to rob a bookie you should make sure that there are zero (and I mean zero) rugby players within 2 square miles. Because when you fail to account for that, that’s when you get hit in the head with a chair and “sat on for hours”

You’ve been warned, America.

Obama’s Dog Is Worth $1,600 or Precisely 8x What My Dogs Cost

// May 18th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

obama-dog

Financial records indicate that the estimated worth of “Bo” the dog that was a gift from Ted Kennedy, is an astounding $1,600. Now, before I go on you should know that I am an unabashed dog lover. I volunteer for a dog rescue (Pittie Love…donate accordingly) and will tell anyone within earshot the virtues of pitbulls and other rescue-mutts. So when the leader of the free world acknowledges that he accepted this dog, even as a gift, worth $1,600 I get more than a little upset.

First, “designer dogs” are a new phenomenon in the United States but the irresponsible breeding of such dogs is as old as time. A responsible breeder will put a lifetime guarantee on the health of one of their dogs and should any problem present itself, a breeder wants to know about it so they can pull those dogs from their breeding line, in order to better preserve breed standard; producing better, healthier dogs.

But here is our President, getting a dog (yes, even as a gift) which supports an industry that hurts animals; as long as there is a market for these dogs the bitch and sire (the parents) will basically be breeding machines, a living ATM for people trying to make a buck.

The most obvious point in all of this is that for $1,600 a lot of dogs could have been saved from shelters or at least given second chances. I have to shelter dogs, and at a total cost of $200 they are no less awesome (in fact, more awesome) then a so called designer dog. I’ll take my pitbull and hound…err…lab…er not-too-sure dog any day of the week. I encourage all FWG fans to consider rescuing a dog before they do like the Obama’s did and get any dog that was sold by an irresponsible breeder.

Oh, and give all your dogs the Bob Barker treatment. No, not slowly ushering them out of the spotlight in the twilight of there careers….I mean spay and neuter all of them.

The Rook Presents: Kid cries for Canucks. I’m turning in my Sabres jersey…

// May 17th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

For shame, Canucks. For shame!

Breaks my heart. I didn’t even cry that hard when I found out the Tooth Fairy wasn’t real (mostly because I knew that Santa still was).

Such pure passion - a raw, unadultered love for his team. It’s a good thing he’s not a Bills fan.

And top it off with Canada’s golden child, Sid Crosby [Penguins], being cut off …Canadiens put a solid 5-2 kabosh on the Habs/Penguins series. Do you think his parents mentioned that Crosby then opted out of the Canadian team roster for the world championships?

You bet I’m stocking up on Blue Lights and maple syrup munchies for the rest of the Stanley Cup tourney. I’ll even postpone tanning, and Tivo Grey’s Anatomy to cheer the Canadiens on. Their season was baloney and they don’t even deserve a shot. But by God, if those Habs don’t win - that lil bro is never going to be the same. C’mon guys, do it for the kids.

[thanks CLaRoche for the video tip]

Drink Pabst, Save America!

// May 14th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

I wish Pabst sponsored this blog, and not because I want the money. Nope, I’d take my payment in 100 cold cases of Americas Best Bad Beer. I’d also hire the guy from this video as an associate blogger, because anyone that can say “It’s not like smooth, It’s not drinkable, but that’s what’s good about it, when you drink it down your throat, it gives you a good feeling….like George Washington is actually going down your throat to fight the Brit’s, the Red Coats, the In’juns”…”