WAKE UP! With NSFW Melt Down Of The Century.

// June 17th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

It’s along video, but the audio is incredible.  I’ll be back later today with stories from the beach.

-FWG

The Rook Plays Pictionary with the Stars

// June 14th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Philly Flyers’ Chris Pronger -  Chicago Tribune’s hating turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy when the Blackhawks notched the Stanley Cup.  The princess in his tutu skirt totally punked out and has been bitching like a total…bitch.  Chrissy, next time shut ‘em down to shut ‘em up.

That World Cup thing -  FYI: I hate soccer and all its really girly dudes that prance around with faux-hawks.  So this photo of  John Terry/Wayne Rooney [England] buttering each other’s crumpets just seems to fit the bill.

We’ve been moved into our new apartment for a week.  Still don’t have cable or internet.  Might as well be blasting smoke signals instead of emails. Absolute withdrawal.   So Saturday night, we had a few rounds of Pictionary by candle light just like a couple of well-behaved single ladies should.  And then played some hands of poker.  With the guys.

But back in the office and hooked up online with reality today, after furiously Googling Jersey Shore updates and sports pics, I gots big plans for Pictionary Wall of Shame this weekend.

Wake Up! With BP’s Hopeless Social Media Campaign

// June 14th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

A word to BP, if you are going to buy in-video advertising in an attempt to salvage (see what I did there) you’re public image, try not to have your ads scroll over videos of hysterically crying children.

J-Bob Stops By With His Take On The Blackhawks Stanley Cup Win

// June 12th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

J-Bob here, reporting live to you from Stan Mikita’s Donuts on the day after the day after the Chicago Blackhawk’s thrilling overtime win to secure their 4^th Franchise Stanley Cup Championship.  The last time the Hawks hoisted the Cup was 1961 (That’s a 49 year drought for the math-challenged among us.  You know who are.) making this an extra special one for Hawks Fans.  As the Victory Parade winds down in Chicago, here are the Top 5 Things Blackhawks Fans will remember from this particularly hard fought Stanley Cup Championship:

5. Dustin Byfuglien vs. Chris Pronger - At 6′4″ 260 vs. 6′6″ 220 this match-up was more Godzilla vs. Mothra than David vs. Goliath, but the older and more experienced Pronger, with his repertoire of elbows and crosschecks, is a much feared and respected blue-line stalwart and generally thought of as the superior player in this pairing.  For the first four games he was, all but shutting “Big Buff” down, but in game 5 Byfuglien stepped up, scoring 2 goals and 2 assists, and delivering the hit heard ’round the world, which didn’t just take the collective wind out of a resurgent Philadelphia’s sails but also farted it back into their faces.  The next day the Chicago Times took an extra shot at Pronger with it’s now infamous “Chrissy Pronger.  Looks like Tarzan, skates like Jane” commemorative poster.

*(on a side note, Angela Ruggerio needs to shut her pie-hole.  It was a reference to figure skating NOT Women’s Hockey and since you’re not allowed to check, no one gives a shit about your sport anyway.  In the immortal words of Donald Trump from Celebrity Apprentice; “You’re fired.”)

4. Duncan Keith’s Teeth or lack-there-of - We’ve all said it.  “I’d give my (BLANK) for a (BLANK)”, although it’s usually more along the lines of “I’d give my left nut for a glazed donut, some Advil, and a Miller High Life” than “I’d give 7 teeth for a Stanley Cup Championship“.  During game 4 of the Hawks series vs. the San Jose Sharks, Keith took a puck to the mouth resulting in the loss of 7 teeth.  He was quoted as saying, “It’s not as bad as you think.”  Um… yeah Duncan, it is.  But even if he’s making the Shane McGowan look like Joe Biden, who cares?  His name is about to be engraved on the Stanley Cup while yours is written in permanent marker on the wall of bathroom stall at your local truck stop.

3. The “Curse of Marian Hossa”- If he were throwing dice in a Bronx Basement, Chazz Palminteri would have stuffed him in the bathroom by now.  The regular “Eddie Mush” of the Stanley Cup Playoffs, Hossa played for the Penguins in 2007-08 when, after he missed a last second scoring chance, they lost to the Red Wings in the Finals.  In 2008-09 he switched it up, playing for the Red Wings when they lost the Stanley Cup to his former team, the Penguins.  Cue the 2009-10 season, late in the 3^rd period of game 6 when the puck bounces off Hossa’s skate and onto the stick of the hirsute Troy Hartnell who promptly tied the game with said puck.  30 seconds later, Hossa was stuffed on a last second breakaway sending the game into overtime.  I have to admit that for a second I thought that, just maybe, the Flyers were going to take the whole damn thing and it was all Marian’s fault.  Again.

2. Jeremy Roenick Cried! - Jermey Roenick, a long time Blackhawk and current NHL commentator, has always been known as a blue-collar player and all-around tough son-of-a-bitch, albeit a little crazy.  If Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer, Roenick’s have to at least cure herpes or something.  He was always that tough!  That’s why this tender moment shook me to the core, almost equal to when I found out Santa Claus wasn’t real.  Touching, disturbing, and a little vomit inducing, it made the moment a little bit too much about Roenick and not about the guys who just won it.  I still think he should have punched Dan Patrick in the face, though.

Cue HD tears in 5,4,3,2,1:

1.It went in!  Wait, no it didn’t.  Yes it did.  HOLY SHIT HE SCORED! - In what had to have been the most awkward Stanley Cup winning goal of all time, my boy, and Chicago’s favorite member of the Lollypop Guild, Patrick Kane zipped the puck past Michael Leighton from THE BOTTOM of the circle FTW.  And with that, and J-Bob fist pumping in his living room (like Kirk Gibson NOT the Jersey Shore, assholes), the Hawks kissed the Stanley Cup in celebration for the first time in my life.  And for anyone who ever loved the Blackhawks and/or NHL ‘94 on Sega Genesis (“He made Gretzky’s head bleed!”), all was right with the world.

Today Is My First Day On Martha’s Vineyard: Rain, Rain, and…More Rain

// June 10th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

Nothing like the fresh Ocean smog, seagul poop, and the smell of diesel exhaust to start you trip off right.  Well that was exactly how I started mine.  It must be one of life’s little rules that you will never, ever be on time for an airplane or boat.  If there is some mode of transportation that will depart with our without you, 9 times out of 10  you will be late for it, or at the very least scrambling to get on it.  Not to mention you won’t ever be dressed appropriately.  If its 30 degrees outside, and you’re bundled in a parka and snow pants trying to catch a fight you can bet your ass your gate will be on the other side of where you are, down 7 concourses, 4 escalators, and one of those fast walk way things.   By the time you’re at your gate you will have sweated out 13lbs and continue to sweat all the way to Houston.

Such is how life works.  Well for me, getting on a boat was no different.  I figured “sea weather” well that means that it will be cold (yarrr mattee, tis a bitter wind on the open see…yarrrr).  Wrong, wrong.   I hate to admit that the gentleman with a sailboat belt and lobster embroidered sear suckers had more sense than me, but I was sporting a hoody and jeans, not to mention carrying a 40lb bag of dog food, a backpack, laptop bag, and 65lb pitbull in tow.  Cue the beads of sweat that didn’t stop til, oh about now.

Anyway, my island packing session consisted of shoving every t-shirt I had.  Apparently I had it in my head that Martha’s Vineyard is a tropical paradise in early June.  No need for things like “long sleeves” or “a coat”.  Well its 55 degrees out and raining, I’m in an outdoor office and I’m freezing my nutties off.

So yes, good people I’m here freezing cold bringing you blogging gold, because I’m the Fat White Guy, the blogger who cares.  Not much else to write about.  I’m living with a retired police officer (Gary) and right across the street is my office.  I bought a 1986 Ford Bronco to tool around in all summer.  The only thing is this is seriously a “Chester the Molester” car.  I handed in my insurance and title and all that jazz, and the woman behind the counter looked at me and said “Should I issue the Amber alert now, or after you walk out the door and drive your tan on tan Bronco down the highway?  You’re move, sir” In retrospect, I guess the “MGNS LAW” vanity plate was in poor taste

Remember Tight End Kevin Everheart From The Buffalo Bills….

// June 10th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

…this isn’t him

Thanks to Matt for the tip.

Your Fat White Guy Moment Of The Week: The Strasburger

// June 9th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Stephen Strasburg mania is in full effect.  The next logical step is a self-named food: “The Strasburger”  Nothing like enjoying a 1/2 of artery clogging ground beef goodness while watching the Washington Nationals play shitty baseball.  This could redefine comfort food:  Food you eat as one of the best players in baseball plays out his contract until he’s bought up by the Sox or Yankees.

Bon Appetit, suckers.

The Rook Weighs In: Speaking of Celebrity Crushes…

// June 9th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

It’s not exactly a secret…I have no business talking sports.  Like any good American girl, my main concern with college athletics is 99.9% superficial and has all to do with former Gator, Tim Tebow.  More specifically: defiling his straight-laced Christian values.  So yay for Pac-10 expansion.  Because I have absolutely no idea what that means.

But let’s do the math:

Pac-10 hires Larry Scott as new commissioner.  Larry Scott is former CEO of Women’s Tennis Association, and was captain of the Harvard tennis team back in the day.  Larry Scott hires Creative Artist Agency (CAA) to be in charge of promoting the league.  CAA is a Hollywood powerhouse-publicist for stars like…Tom Cruise.

Well Larry must’ve missed the memo because Tom Cruise is an effing nut.  And is known lately for jumping on Oprah’s couch in fits of joy.  Translation: nobody likes him.  The only logical explanation for this mental hiccup is that Larry Scott has his nose in Cosmo crushing on Cruise or he’s been hit with the Bieber Fever.

But keep on courting Nebraska, Oklahoma, Texas…I mean in all honesty his efforts made women’s tennis and the WTA tour the most popular it’s ever been.  That’s like Shaq challenging the Scripps Spelling Bee Champ.  Or me blogging sports.  Hope this cowboy knows what he’s doing.

Either way.  The faster Pac-10 scoops up some Texas team, the better.  Then I can start expanding my daily Google searches to include Colt McCoy.  And then Larry Scott can stop sitting on his thumbs over his Cruise fantasies.

Wake Up! With Something You Won’t Forget…Ever

// June 8th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

The World Cup Is Nearing, Oh And The NBA Finals Are On Too

// June 7th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

The entire world is on the edge of their collective seats as the World Cup draws near.  And by entire world I mean everywhere but the United States (not including my neighborhood, which could be mistaken for Fortaleza  (a city in Brazil, try and keep up).

Look if I wanted to see Europeans faking injuries and showing open disdain for capitalism and America, I’d go hang out at Berkely.  No sir, I’m not a soccer fan, not one bit.  Any sport where faking an injury is considered an art form isn’t worth my time or yours (you’ve been warned, Tom Brady).

Speaking of Euro-trash, how about my man Gasol on the Lakers.  That poor bastard called out KG telling him he’s missed a step.  Well he looked just fine last night as the Celtics took one in LA on there way back to Beantown.

I’m all the way on Martha’s Vineyard but you bet your sweet ass I’ll be back on the mainland for Duckboats and victory parades and drunk screaming Irishman.  Until then keep watching the NBA, disregard Europeans, and remember soccer is for communists and terrorists….and communist terrorists.