Archive for July, 2010

I Just Watched Jersey Shore For The First Time

// July 30th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

ronnie-magro-jersey-shore

Last night I watched Jersey Shore.  I don’t know how or why this pop culture phenomenon went over my head for so long, but congratulations MTV: Do to one signature phrase I’m now hooked.

Courtesy of “Gorilla Meathead”  Ronnie:

SMUSH PRIVATES

In a world saturated with metaphor and cliche for hooking up, out of the depths of hair gel soaked Jersey comes this gem.  Smush-Privates.  I mean I was blown away.  I promise (I take that back, I gently suggest) that this will be my last non-sports post now that football season is about to be in full swing.  But I now know where I will be every Thursday night: watching these “things” from the shore in their glory.

I don’t want to say I consider myself an elitist, I’m pretty sure that FWG is anything but.  In fact I think that FWG and FWG Nation is incredibly high class - low brow (I’m trademarking that).  But why in ALL the emails I receive every day has no one suggested that I watch this show.  Have I been living under a rock?  You should be ashamed of yourself, FWG fans.  Poor form.

Miami’s trifecta and the demise of humanity

// July 28th, 2010 // 5 Comments » // Uncategorized

snooki-240“I wore one-piece suits when I was really skinny to hide my nakedness in a sexy way. I think they are more provocative because it makes guys want to see more of me.” [People.com]

Huh, you don’t say. Maybe try talking less.  And as for the strict tequila/Taco Bell diet (we’ve all been there), do us all a favor and follow it up with two fingers or toothbrush handle.

Now that the Heat’s notched good King James, it makes perfect sense to just let the rest of the city go to crank.  And invite Jersey Shore to film its second season for some quality GTL time (gym, tan, laundry).  Excited or nauseous for the Season 2 premier?  Can’t quite tell.  Ever since Enrique Iglesias promised his ‘fans’ he’d “get drunk and ski naked” in Miami’s very own Biscayne Bay if Spain won the World Cup, all the hype has got me feeling like a pre-season Bills fan.  Like I just want to open a case of Bud Light and drown my hopes for the future (which will hit me in about two weeks).

Congratulations, Miami on your pop culture trifecta/nightmare and on becoming the cesspool of America!

xoxo The Rook

No One Sees A Problem With T.O. and Ochocinco in Cincy? No one? Really?

// July 28th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

toFor the low, low price of two millions dollars Terrell Owens could be yours!  The Bengals decided this was a fair price for the aging egomaniac and that hey (the ultimate team player) would make a perfect compliment to Chad Ochocinco.  While many on the outside are thinking this could be a good idea, some even claiming that this makes the Bengals a contender for the Super Bowl, I have many many reservations.

First is, how much room is there on the Bengals squad for two huge egos, let alone two in the receiving ranks?  Owens is yet to play well with others, and to be this seems like a powder keg, ala the Balkans-Franz-Ferdinand (thanks 8th Grade World History!).  But instead of millions of Europeans dying, it will be Bengals fans corpses strewn about, with Bill/Cowboys/Eagles/49er fans looking on shaking their head and muttering, “I told you so….”

The other issue is that Owens’ production in Buffalo was way down.  As in he did not deserve that key to the city and should give the money back, type of down.  This has to be his last year, right?  So what exactly will a one year, two million dollar contract mean to a man who isn’t exactly known for loyalty, should the going get tough?  I expect a devolution of epic proportions.

Stand back, get that popcorn ready, this is going to get weird.

Wake Up With The Bikini Clad Caped Crusader

// July 26th, 2010 // 10 Comments » // Uncategorized

bikini-crime-fighterThis is just your basic Miami Beach she-male homeless crimefighter.  That’s right, the Caped Crusader pictured here, keeping our beaches safe from trash and sensible swimwear is actually a man.  Which I’m all for.  Because it makes my life as a blogger worth living.  I opened up this email, saw the picture and immediately started stroking my beard with an odd satisfied smirk, I knew just what I would write: Somewhere, in a trailer park this girl has a dad, and that dad knows that his little girl is down in Miami fighting beach crime dressed like this.

Well congratulations, Universe.  Well done on the curve ball.  As the email explained, this is actually a man.  So now it’s just another freak who loves hefty bags, cute bikini bottoms, and walking the beach.  You win, world.  You win.

Tying the knot and Colt McCoy still has the last laugh

// July 21st, 2010 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

At former Texas hurler Colt McCoy’s weekend wedding, ex-Longhorns teammate Jordan Shipley, joined by Aaron Watson, serenade the groom with a personalized tune that pleases the crowd — but attendees really go crazy after this couplet: “Gettin’ sick and tired of folks gettin’ fired up/Rubbin’ shoulders with Tim Tebow.” [Denver Westword]

I still don’t get why everyone’s laughing.  Maybe it’s the empty bottle of Excedrin Migraine that makes life look very serious (yes, one headache and I’m out of commission for a week).  Maybe everyone at the McCoy reception was a couple two/three PBR’s deep.

But here’s why Colt’s laughing:

a) He was drafted first

b) well…we all know that Tebow is ’saving’ himself for marriage.

c)  so nobody thought to name drop Sam Bradford?

Admit it. You missed me.

-The Rook

M. Night Shayamalan Scoffs At The Idea Of Selling Out With The “I’m Huge In Japan Defense”

// July 21st, 2010 // 4 Comments » // Uncategorized

M. Night Shayamalan received a less than cordial question from a foreign reporter while promoting his latest film, The Last Airbender, and the director did not mince words in his reply.
“I think if I thought like you, I’d kill myself” Shyamalan told the reporter who basically accused the director of selling out in a bid to revive his floundering career.

Go ahead and fast forward that video to the 1:40 mark, where Night employs the, “I’m huge in Japan” defense.  Look, man.  I loved the Sixth Sense—creepy kids sell, everyone knows that.  But then you went all high brow (Paul Giamatti and Lady In The Water, anyone?).  No one gives a shit if you are “big in Europe”–or that “people in England loved The Happening. Because guess what, people here in America (land of the free, home of the brave) thought that it fucking blew.  Allow me to provide you a shining example of this fact, FWG couldn’t hack it in the NFL so he kicked it over in Europe.  Guess what M. Night back in Southern Austria I was a rock star (yahts on the reg, kid…yahts on the reg), but back State-side I’m just another loser blogging in his boxers.

p.s.
The Happening is big in England?  I should have guessed it, from the same country that gave us Susan Boyle.  For shame cousins, for shame.

Paul The Psychic German Octopus Making Headlines Again: Can’t We Put This To Rest People?

// July 21st, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

paul-the-ocotpusPaul the Octopus is making headlines again, previously it was for correctly predicting the  correct outcome of seven World Cup games, now the Russians want him. This Russian betting firm wants to pay him $5,000 a month for his “divination skills.”  This is coming after Paul recently retired, on which I have a few thoughts:

Listen hard and listen good, Germany: I’ll take Punxsutawney Phil over some swimming leftovers from the primordial soup any day. Paul (what kind of name for an octopus is that anyway?) has been picking games for over 2 1/2 years, having developed and honed his “abilities” during the European Championships back in 2008.   And now he’s retried?  After two years?  Who does he think he is, Jenny Finch?

Listen up, Ruskies (and Red Dawn fans) you want staying power? You want rock solid predictions?   Look no further than the keystone state.

The prognosticator of prognosticators, our very own groundhog named Phil has been doing this for 120 years. And if we are talking odds here, picking games is really a 50-50 shot. Predicting six weeks worth of weather? That takes a real man. Or varmint.

Like many things European (the man purse, socialism), this is certainly a passing fad. If we are looking to the animal kingdom for predictions, then the hand’s-down winner has to be the 120-year staying power of the bucktoothed Pennsylvanian, Phil.  Typical Euro trash, calling it quits early before the job is done.

/Hat Tip to  Groundhog Day being Top 5 greatest movies of all time…just saying.

WAKE UP! As Yahoo! Sports Toes Line Of Cultural Insensitivity With Notre Dame Headline

// July 19th, 2010 // 5 Comments » // Uncategorized

11-irish-arrested11-irish-arrested-2You just know some copy editor typed that with a smirk on his face.
Anyway, the story is that Notre Dame football and basketball players were really enjoying the summer season the way any college kid does: underage drinking and poor decision making.  Color me unsurprised that this is how we’ll kick off Brian Kelly’s tenure in South Bend.

[Yahoo Sports]

FWG Insider: What It Is Like At The ESPYs (And Playboy Mansion)

// July 15th, 2010 // 7 Comments » // Uncategorized

FWG has a few friends in the NFL and media, high ranking officials with classified access.  One such official was at the ESPY’s and the Playboy Mansion.  Here is what she has to offer.

espy

I’ve been to the ESPY’s twice. I hope to never go back.
Since I’m pretty much allergic to LA (everyone looks and acts like a DB), I don’t usually come in until Monday. Just in time for the big event…the Playboy party.

Held at Hef’s joint, it’s pretty much exactly how you picture it- lots of drunk athletes, scantily-clad girls with fake boobs looking for their meal ticket, and other celebrities of varying calibers (I spent a lot of time thinking “Wow…congrats on milking every second of those 15 minutes!”) trying to get some.

I’ve seen passed out NFL players carried out to their waiting limos, actors puking into bushes, and I got lost (I swear) and stumbled into the grotto to see a certain TV actor getting it on with 2 girls. Believe it or not, he did take 5 seconds from his…endeavors to tell me to leave.

The next day is for recovery. And going to the gifting suites. Because famous people looooove their free stuff.

There’s one main ESPY hotel where most of the talent (athletes, actors, singers, etc.) stay. One floor of the hotel is shut down to the common folk and each room is occupied by a different company to give their products out to the celebs.

Oh, and you’re escorted by a hot girl in tight clothing who introduces you to the companies like “Hey, this is so and so, and he is a HUGE fan of Pony running shoes!” And then they take your pic with the product to use online or whatever (“Look! The guy from American Pie uses drinks Badass Coffee!) and then you put your free stuff in a duffel bag and move to the next room. Repeat until said bag is full of tequila, headphones, etc.

Even though everyone on “the list” gets these trinkets, there’s a total hierarchy of how nice of a present you get. In the Russell Simmons jewelry room last year, most people got a stainless steel bracelet or necklace. Not really my style, but you end up giving most of our free stuff away to friends anyway so I wasn’t gonna say no!

But not the famous boxer who was in the room at the same time as me. He spotted the “Hello Kitty” diamond necklace on display from the Kimora Lee Simmons line and decided he wanted to give it to some lucky lady in his life. I wanted to ask if it was for one of the baby mama’s of his ELEVEN children, but decided against it. In any case, the Simmons people opened the case, put the bling in a box, and off he went.
Finally, it’s red carpet time.
You spend Wednesday getting dolled up, then make your way over to the sight of the show at around 5 or 6 PM. You get off the shuttle and are directed towards a tent with metal detectors. That’s where they separate VIP’s going to the event from the Super VIP’s who do the red carpet/paparazzi/fan deal. It’s just like you see for the Emmy’s or Oscars, except the men at the ESPY’s wear a lot more bling and you see ginormous football players having to mop the sweat off their heads with towels stolen from the hotel. You know, it’s classy.
You wind your way down the carpet, stopping for photo opps and interviews. At the end, they break you down the group again-famous people and special famous people.
The former go into the theatre and wait for the ceremony. The latter are led into a private room behind the stage where they schmooze with each other and drink free booze. Then the show’s host comes in for a quick meet and greet, you finish your drinks, go find your seat, and hope it’s on an aisle so you can leave before it’s over and get to the after-parties.
Let’s face it, the only people who care about the actual awards are the people who win them.
Tonight’s show is hosted by Seth Myers from SNL, which means it will probably be funny. Unlike last year’s host who was so bad, they taped us clapping, cheering, laughing, etc. for post-production. You know, the sound of crickets after a “joke” don’t really translate well on TV.
So there you have it, a quick inside peek at the ESPY’s.

Terrell Owners Is Concerned Teams MAY Perceive Him As A Trouble Maker

// July 14th, 2010 // 9 Comments » // Uncategorized

APTOPIX Packers Cowboys Football

AP: Terrell Ownes would like to point out that he’s never been disciplined by the NFL for off-field conduct, unlike some of the league’s “golden boys.”

No team has yet to sign him as a free agent, and the polarizing receiver worries they’re swayed by the perception he’s a troublemaker. A perception he believes he disproved with his agreeable behavior in Buffalo during a disappointing season last year.

“There were a number of times where prior I probably would have reacted, said something I wasn’t supposed to say,” Owens told The Associated Press on Tuesday. “I really had some restraint, very patient.”

Owens feels that just because he hasn’t been cited with off the field issues that he is unfairly being characterized as a so called “troublemaker.”  What Owens fails to realize is just as much as the NFL under Goodell has concerned itself with off-the field issues, the on the field stuff also matters.

Owens simply doesn’t make a good teammate.  No team in their right mind will take a risk on player that rocks the boat the way T.O. has proven he does.  His smile and flash might be marketable, but he is a proven disruptor of team chemistry.

When with the Eagles, he insinuated that  Jeff Garcia, then the starting QB of his former team in San Fran was gay.  In a Playboy interview he said, “…like my boy tells me, if it smells like a rat, and looks like a rat, then by golly it is a rat.”  Adding to his tenure of bad taste, when he was in Philly, his feud with McNabb was very public and very brazen.  Starting with a derogatory comment towards McNabb, telling him “I’m not the guy who got tired in the Super Bowl…”   He then went on to lobby for a new contract, after publicly voicing his distaste with his “underrated” original one. Including blasting the Eagles coaching and management before being suspended for four games and then deactivated for the remainder of the 2005 season.  The feud was settled with the Eagles making a choice: Keep McNabb, send T.O. packing, without a new contract.

He may have kept his nose clean off the field, but as a teammate  he doesn’t have a leg to stand on, he referred to his former employers as “classless” and lashes out against management and owners in the public forum.

He’d like to point out his “good behavior” in Buffalo this past season, but that season also marked a disappointing low in T.O.’s performance.  He was given the key to the city and promptly proceeded in opening absolutely ZERO doors for his team, or precisely only 55 catches for 859 yards.

That  may be why many GM’s, teams, and coaches are not interested in making a play for the once time very productive receiver; he’s in the twilight of his career.  Hell, even Jerry Rice played with the Raiders.