Archive for August, 2010

The Rook Presents: Quick Hits

// August 31st, 2010 // 4 Comments » // Uncategorized

SCORE - Kenny Powers signs with K-Swiss for the ultimate kick ass sessions in world class.  We could always do to have more mullets.   And more Shockey, Willis, and Faber doing their thing in front of the camera while we’re at it.  Holla.

>>By now most of you savvy sports enthusiasts may have figured out that The Rook (that’s me), is a chick. I know, right? Total shocker.

With the Quick Hits thought I’d spin a bing, bang, boom of my ADD-slash-holla-atcha-girl-next-door ramble, since I can never decide between easing my Bieber Fever or saluting Tony Romo’s long gone break-up with Jessica Simpson and her new chins/saddle bags.<<

I digress…where were we?

golden-tate

HUH?? - Seattle Seahawk Golden Tate is newly nicknamed Doughboy, for pillaging a Top Pot donut place circa 3am.  Total rookie move.  Like, “watch out Doughboy is gunning for ya.”  In other news, Hurricane Earl is approaching the coast.  Shaking in your boots yet?  Me neither.

jbieber

FAIL - Justin Bieber can’t perform on Monday at NYS Fair due to ‘illness’…great job Canada.  Your sauce and boy bands are weak.  Here in America, we win gold medals with broken ankles.  And that’s just in women’s gymnastics (Kerri Strug ‘96 Olympics - vault)

illegal_aliens

UPGRADE - Four Canadians Bill Clement, Orest Kindrachuk, Bob Kelly and Dave Schultz, all being former Philadelphia Flyers, decided to spring for US Citizenship.  Best decision of your lives.  Thank you for leading the team to the ‘74 and ‘75 Stanley Cup Championships; of course we will open up our borders for any worthy hockey bro.  Set the precedent, I’m gunning for Sid Crosby next.

progressive-dog

SCORE - Progressive Insurance upgrades from that 70s go-go dancer to man’s best friend for its promo (taste that, Geico Caveman, dogs trump everything).  Well played.

beer-buggy1

GRAND FINALE -  Thumbs up for the best addition to the pregame game.  The remote controlled ‘beverage buggy’.  Fellas…drive-up delivery to the ladies done right is done only with Bud Light.  I mean.  Juice box.

Dougie Fail

// August 30th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Its Monday.  I think we all know how this guy feels….or felt.

Wake Up! And Be Glad You Don’t Have Friends Like These

// August 30th, 2010 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

FWG loves him some rednecks.  You want to talk about people who enjoy the simple things in life then there you have it.  Whether it is Budweiser Diesel, jet skis, professional wrestling, Costco, or 10 shots of Jack Daniels with two raw eggs and mayonaise mixed in.  Boy, do these “people” know how to live.  You can’t coach this kind of ethusiasm. When you mix low brain function, free time, and alcohol you get one of two things:  That video featured above, or this blog.

FWG Insider Report: How To Properly Size Your Jock Strap

// August 24th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

fwg-nfl-insider1

FWG is running a special series of guest columns from people who work INSIDE the NFL, whether it is for actual teams or high ranking industry officials.  You’ve asked, we’ve answered.  Here are your stories from the inside.

Sorry I’ve been MIA since my critically-acclaimed ESPY’s post.  I’ve been busy with my real job. I work in the industry, so football season for me means your favorite insider is a busy bee. My job is to get the guys ready for game day.  From socks to sandals, my
company provides our contracted athletes with gear (for free) in exchange for supporting the brand on field and off. As the contact for the athletes, I’m charged with making sure they get what they want. Allow me to recount one of the more interesting exchanges I’ve had with a (very famous) NFL Player.

The actual conversation:

*Player :* Do you have yellow underwear you can send me?

*FWG Insider: * Sorry, we don’t make yellow underwear.

*Player:* Ok, how about purple?

[Silence]

* FWG Insider::* Nope, no purple either.

* FWG Insider: *Ok, can you send me 30 pairs of black ones?

*Me:* Yup, no problem.  I’ll just take it off your account.

* FWG Insider: Can you get them here by tomorrow?

[Silence]

* FWG Insider: Yup.

*Player:* Yeah, I just don’t have any clean underwear.
Right.

*Player: *Also, I need a thing…for my junk.

* FWG Insider: *Jock strap?

*Player:* Yeah… I don’t wear compression shorts under my pants.

* FWG Insider::* Ok, no problem.  You want a 2X in that?

*Player:* Yeah, you know I just don’t like my junk to be constricted.

* FWG Insider:* Ok…so 2X, right?

*Player:* [Giggles like a little school girl] You think I’m a 2X, huh?

* FWG Insider: * It goes by waist size, not…other size.

Just a typical day at the office, folks.

Until next time…

WAKE UP! With Classic NBA Commericials

// August 24th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Makes you wonder just how exactly that white kid from French Lick snuck in there.

Eat Thy Title, Jay Mariotti

// August 23rd, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

mariotti-screen-shot

If he hates how soft MLB is, I’m sure he’ll just love how tough the California penal system is.

 

Australian Crocodile Is Just A Low Rent Punxsutawney Phil, And Even Lower Rent Paul The Octopus

// August 23rd, 2010 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

dirty-hairy-crocodile

DARWIN, Australia — A 16-foot saltwater crocodile has predicted Australia’s next prime minister.

The reptile named “Dirty Harry” chose Australia’s first female Prime Minister Julia Gillard Thursday by snatching a piece of chicken hanging under her caricature. He left opposition leader Tony Abbott’s piece of chicken hanging.

The 1,600 pound reptile predicted Spain would win the World Cup using a similar technique.

Analysts say Saturday’s election will be a very close race.

Wow, talk about your recent onslaught of imitators, am I right?  I mean here State-side our Marmota Monax (that’s Groundhog for the uneducated masses) has quietly gone about consistently performing his job year in year out.  Sure Bill Murray went and made a movie about him, but like any true performer he didn’t celebrate the highs, nor does he lament the lows.  Just gets up everyday in his small Pennsylvania town and does his job.  Leave it to the Europeans and Australians to start with all the fanfare; World Cup and Election Predictions?  So now these are the new Super Stars on the scene?  A little bit of advice to that stupid croc and the octopus who thinks he knows soccer:  Life isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon.  Call me when you’ve correctly predicted the weather for 124 seasons.

FWG-NFL Is Killing It On Pre Season Betting Lines

// August 20th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

cj-spiller

Admittedly I’m not a gambler.  Never have been and never will be, but my crew over at FWGNFL is killing it with these picks.   They beat up Vegas for like 3K last night on the Colts line, after talking about how that was a total lock, “free money people, free money.” (Check out that post here) Not to mention that have the breakdown of the Bills/Colts game last night.  Go check it out.

So no fries with that?

// August 19th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

boston-dd1

Dear Dunkin…what kind of sick joke is this?  I gave you 5 years of my life.  After school, during summers.  Slaving myself out the drive thru window for extra tips (work the button-down, ladies, work the button-down) and wearing high rise, ankle hugging khakis.  Wanna know how many dates you don’t get with that get up?  Then you go ahead and have the new coffee bitches stir me up some blueberry iced nonsense - I definitely asked for hot hazelnut - IN A BOSTON RED SOX CUP?????  Is this worthy of an ape-shit-lady-attack-on-McDonald’s-worker-over-nuggets OR total-Jason “Mayhem”-meltdown-over-a-geek-squad-prank…decisions, decisions.

-The Rook

I Should Have Known Selling My Bronco On Craigslist Would Bring Out The Crazies

// August 19th, 2010 // 4 Comments » // Uncategorized

bronco-full-2

[Craigslist Ad] This is a ‘86 Bronco II with only 96K miles on it. It was originally from California, so there is barely a hint of rust, and the paint is absolutely incredible.  It was a great summer truck for me (on Martha’s Vineyard…never going over 35mph) but Summer is over and it’s time to get back to the real world.  I’m asking only $3,500 for this Tan on Tan beast, with a 2” body lift.
I replaced the clutch, driveshaft, and there is a compressed air shock for the rear should you feel adventurous and want to take her on the sand (oversand pass included!)  She was burning a little oil, but we replaced the gaskets and fixed that, her power steering is great, has cruise control and all the gauges work perfectly. The more I type this, the more I’m wondering why I’m selling….(cue reminder of what blogging pays…)
Anyway, She’s a real head turner, and I hate to see her go. I’m happy to answer any and all questions, so just shoot me an email

AND THIS IS WHAT I GET:

She’s a real Beaut!  I’ve been on the market for the last two years for a 86′ Bronco II.  I dont know how much you know about the Bronco, but the 1986 model year introduced the 140 hp (104 kW) fuel injected 2.9 L Cologne V6.  This really made the engine purrr.    I owned one back in college, it brings back good memories of me and him going for long rides through the park, he loved that car too  The paint job is unique, is it after market?
I also love the drop down seats in the back.  i’m coaching a 7-8 yr old boys soccer team and was wondering how many boys you can fill in the back laying down? My guesstimate is 6, but you probably know better.
I can offer you about 2000 .  Do have payment plans?  i can probably swing 50 bucks a month?  let me know if this is an option
also, could a man of 6′4″ in stature lay down in the back?
-Chang