Archive for October, 2010

FWG to The Rook: “can you handle posts for the rest of the week while I’m in vegas?”

// October 29th, 2010 // 7 Comments » // Uncategorized


“You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought FWG home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack… it grew by one. So there… there were two of us in the wolf pack… I was alone first in the pack, and then FWG joined in later…So tonight, I make a toast!” - The Hangover

Looks like the pack is down to one for the rest of the week.  Got the email just yesterday during my last-minute costume shopping [are we thinking Twilight Vamp or Bumble Bee?].  All the email said was “can you handle posts for the rest of this week while I’m in vegas?”  Psssh!  As if they haven’t had enough of me already this week.  Now.  Can you handle Asian guy from Hangover killing it in the new Adidas commercial spot?  Derrick Rose is okay too.

stay tuned for: The Rook answers her first reader email!

Don’t let the Knicks pennant fool you, this is a World Series breakdown:

// October 28th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

Tell ya what, the vid is a little behind.  Then again coming up to Game 2, so are the Rangers.  San Fran’s Giants notched Game 1 (11-7) last night.  Give this kid a newEra and a microphone or something.  Make it viral.

So with that, sing me that ol’ Chocolate Rain.

-The Rook

Wake Up! Monday Morning Quick Hits with The Rook

// October 25th, 2010 // 6 Comments » // Uncategorized


Victoria’s Secret NFL Team Gear by Pink - Totally missed that memo.  How did I not know about the new line up?  I like just got my AngelCard@$!@$%    Screw that ‘espnW for Women’ crap - this is how you target the ladies.  Where’s my silk Tebow teddie??  Kidding.  Sort of… [VS Pink - NFL].

Packers top Vikings (28-24) - When retirement is knocking at my door, I’m welcoming it with open arms.  None of this “watch my legacy/empire blow up in my face from naughty nude pics and a washed up season” nonsense.  Now go to FWG NFL for actual updates and that fantasy crap []

Buttocks Slappers Afoot (well, not really afoot…actually a-bike) -  Ball State has a serious slapping problem.  Is this how middle-America gets their assault on?  It’s way back from April, but it gets me every time [WISH TV8].

As Seen On TV - aka a collection of everything your future wife will probably ever get you for birthdays/anniversaries/etc and then hate that it takes up so much space in the garage.  And face it ladies…we will buy it because he’s ’so tough to buy for’ [As Seen On TV Guys].  When in doubt, Victoria’s Secret NFL boy shorts…a gift for him that’s really a gift for you.

And to really get you going…EMO GHOST STORY.  Get ready for nap time and your bubble bath.

The Rook Presents: This funny video has nothing to do with the naked girl protestor outside my office

// October 22nd, 2010 // 6 Comments » // Uncategorized

LA Marathon
Watch more comedy videos from the twisted minds ofthe UCB Theatre at

Can I get an AMEN!  Sure.  Running takes motivation, drive, sheer focus.  Got nothing but love and respect for the runners (not applicable to spandex wearers).  But marathon runners are outside of their skulls.  I don’t even put 26 miles on my car in a single week.  We are only here to help show them the light!  Like Hey Mr. Rent Is 2 High, I’m with these guys.

Coincidentally.  Just yesterday, I decided to stroll outside in the crisp sunny weather.  Taking it all in because soon it’ll be Ice Age 2010.  And some chick was sitting butt ass necked on the ground.


They are protesting the circus coming to town or something. You know. Since the circus abuses animal.

Like.  Do you know how many mounted police horses have crapped all over this sidewalk?  Telling everyone to stop the circus and protect animals, with PETA posters everywhere… maybe you’re into that kind of thing?

I don’t care how many abused elephants you think you’re saving from the Ringlings, but all that’s gonna get you is a straight up staph infection.  All I’m seeing is fake blood and shackles…how do I know you’re not doing a promo for a Halloween costume shop or some sex fetish store?  Whatever.  If you don’t eat meat, then I don’t trust you.  Commies; enemies of the state, I say.

When I said, “Um, it’s like really cold outside” - one of the crazies with her go-go gadget ears ran over to retort, “She knows that! She is a volunteer.” Oh okay. I figured you were forcing her into bondage to entertain others (see what I did there??).

So she’s letting it all hang out. While you nuts pass out pamphlets to people who don’t actually care about your cause again, the only reason I took your hand-outs was so I could get a pic for the blog.  Remind me how much you paid for those shiny, professionally done and fancily wrapped DVDs. NOBODY IS BITCHING ABOUT ALL THE TREES YOU KILLED TO STAMP DUMBO ON THE WRAPPER.

I swear. If they drive the circus out of town and I don’t get to see any midgets…ohhhhh. I swear.

Put your titties away. And pack your shit.


Don’t they know that animals don’t really have feelings and are here on this earth only to serve humans?  Yo!  Kidding…sort of.

*thanks to Hanks for the video tip

Password Wednesday At Ted’s Bar At UConn

// October 20th, 2010 // 14 Comments » // Uncategorized


Every Wednesday my contact at Ted’s emails me pictures of the people who use the FWG password to make their hump-day that much better.  And every week I’m on here talking about the astounding amount of girls that are reading FWG and getting free/cover and drinks.  Well, this week I got quite the sausage fest of pictures.  Normally, you’d think “hey isn’t that a bit discouraging, Rob?  Don’t you live with your girlfriend—have two dogs—and an otherwise pretty sad existence.  Doesn’t seeing pictures of college dudes really ruin your day?”  The answer is, No. (well, sort of…but for this story, no).
A few weeks back I found myself helping my girlfriend shop for a new suit for work. It was then that I realized I’m a lost cause—but it’s not to late for you; fine (male) readers of this blog.  You can still go to the bar, find yourself a date that you won’t mind telling your buddies about (just no one in your dorm/apartment building: don’t shit where you eat, bro.)
So while getting emailed pictures of beautiful babies is a latent function of this job, I was glad to see that there are still single guys out there, willing to do the Lord’s work.  What more can I ask for?  So, keeping that in mind tonight’s password is: FLUFF As in, I hope you spend all night chasing the fluff.


The Rook Presents: How hard do you not want to vote for this guy?

// October 20th, 2010 // 7 Comments » // Uncategorized

NY Governors Race

McMillan, 64, said he’d received calls from the “Imus in the Morning” radio program and Oprah Winfrey’s radio show, among others, seeking interviews.

“If people had to vote tomorrow I would be the governor of the State of New York,” McMillan said. “I can’t wait to see what the polls look like.”

And asked if he backed gay marriage, McMillan quipped, “If you want to marry a shoe, I’ll marry you.”  [Daily News]

I literally just broke my coffee mug.  Straight up shattered.  Because I clicked on this fkn Mad Hatter’s website [Rent 2 Damn High] and the speakers literally assaulted my eardrums.

He is seriously one ballsy brother.  Bringing on all this noise.  Straight out of my Lebron James “My mom told me I could leave and it wouldn’t be selfish” nightmares.  He’s endorsed by the American Mustache Institute…straight up stunner.

Everyone can put their political pitchforks away now.

How hard do you not want to vote for him?  Really hard.  But I kind of really want to.  It would just hurt so good.


Canadian on Canadian Crime

// October 19th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

We’ve been all about Canada lately here at Fat White Guy Head Quarters–and I can’t say I mind it.  Making fun of those beady-eyed-kanucks is probably the highlight of my sad, sad existence.  So here is a video of a high school football team going after fans in the stands: Smart money is on the theory that this incident started after someone shouted a pro-American stance on gun control.

H/T to Bartstool Sports

Wake Up! With Jenn Sterger The Ultimate Woo Girl

// October 19th, 2010 // 8 Comments » // Uncategorized

jen-sterger-woo-girljenn-sterger-woo-girlI wish I could take credit for this, but it all goes to those geniuses that write “How I Met Your Mother”  They have given an official name to a group of ladies we all know well, “The Woo Girls”  That group of past-their-prime women who like to take shots in circles, toasting to themselves.  Other characteristics include reckless use of the word “bitches” as in “C’mon and drink, you bitchesss”  (not the prolonged “s” at the end) as well as crying on sidewalks after last call, generally sloppy appearance, and cowboy/straw hats indoors.  So congrats to you, Jenn Sterger you are The Ultimate Woo Girl.

It’s Been One Year Since I Lost My Friend and Teammate, Jasper Howard

// October 18th, 2010 // 9 Comments » // Uncategorized

jasper-howardSince penning my first thoughts on Jasper’s passing a lot has changed.  Jasper’s daughter was born, suspects have been apprehended, and the lives of UConn students and football players have been changed forever.  In speaking with people still surrounding the UConn football program, the tragic death of our friend has transformed the entire program.  Even on their worst days, they know deep down it’s “just a game.”    One of the most profound changes in playerss lives has been the appreciation for one another—and just how fleeting their time together is.
I’ve heard many players speak about head coach Randy Edsall stopping players in the football facility, looking them in the eye, and telling that young man, “I love you, you’re important.”  I know Jazz wouldn’t want us to be upset, but it’s certainly hard not to be.  He was a man of incredible work ethic and integrity and devotion—lessons that he continues to share with us, the friends he’s left behind

[Originally Posted  October 19th, 2009]
A few weeks ago, I had the privilege of going to a Monday night football game. In the stands, I sat with my former teammates, joking and laughing.
UConn’s star cornerback, Jasper “Jazz” Howard, sat next to me.

While Jazz and I were hardly best friends, we were teammates, on the same defensive unit, who shared many laughs and, of course, trying moments together.

“How are the guys doing?” I asked Jazz that night.

“Young, man,” he replied in a throaty, soft-spoken voice, which sounded strained but was always at ease. “Real young. But, you know, we still gonna bang.” (A smile crept across his face as he said this.)

Fast-forward to a homecoming game this past weekend, where I selfishly explored my own emotions on being at a place where, for five years, I was very much on the inside, metaphorically and physically. Inside the locker room, inside the huddles, inside the football mentality.

On Saturday, I returned to my home stadium, for the first time, and was very much on the outside. Outside the lines, outside the players’ box, outside the locker room.

After the game, I got to join my teammates, my brothers, in the fight song. I made my rounds, slapping hands, hugging and smiling, exchanging the typical locker-room jabs. I went over to Jazz, congratulated him on his excellent game (an interception, forced fumble and about 13 tackles). Laughing, he told me I was almost as skinny as he was, and I reminded him that he was still about 1000 times the athlete I’d ever be.

The entire time I was there, I was thinking, “Man, this is awful.” I am not yet at a place where I can enjoy watching the game from which I am less than a year removed. I was emotional about the smells, and on my long drive home, I had a lot of time to reflect on how much I missed playing, how important it was to me — things that in less than 24 hours would suddenly seem so much less significant.

I left that locker room. I came back to Boston. I went to sleep.

I woke up, and everything had changed.

The text messages said it all:

“Call me, we need to talk”

“Jazz is dead”

“S— went down last night”

I look back at that moment, from my Monday morning perspective, and I am embarrassed. A lot changed from Saturday afternoon’s pettiness to Monday’s deeper meaning. All my complaints about being done playing football didn’t matter. My teammate and friend had lost his life, leaving behind a family, a girlfriend, a daughter on the way.

Instead of enjoying the fruits of homecoming, remembering the good days, I am trying to make sense of something that is senseless.

How does a kid who makes it out of Miami — leaving the violence of his hometown by his own reckoning — get murdered in the seemingly safe setting of Storrs, Conn.?

These are questions without answers.

The violence of the football field is the stuff we can control, and Jazz was a master. Analogies between on-field violence and the outside world are often made, without regard to actual violence. And yet, in this instance, I have realized just how petty and fake that violence is. There are rules, whistles, referees.

Early Sunday morning, there were no such systems in place. My friend and teammate died at the hands of someone who clearly placed no value on life, and certainly did not consider the consequences of his actions.

Jasper Howard was a man of incredible character and work ethic. He likely would have risen to the rank of captain in seasons to come. I have no doubt that Jazz, while undersized, would have been an NFL-caliber player. He was soft-spoken when he had to be, but was a vocal leader on the field. He pushed, provoked and brought out the best in his teammates.

I am always grateful to have been a part of UConn football, but I am — without a doubt — a better man for having shared the same field with Jazz.

I am not sure there are deeper lessons to be learned here. I don’t want to live in a world where one of my friends has to die for me or anyone else to value life. But here I am, reflecting more and more, valuing my own life and my own situation in a way I never did before Jazz passed.

I wish that society allowed us more opportunities to stop and reflect, but it doesn’t. All I can do is lead my life, with my new lease on it, the way that Jazz did — with honor, integrity and a relentless work ethic.

Wake Up! With Canadian Politicians Taking Campaign Cues From Southern Super Power

// October 18th, 2010 // 9 Comments » // Uncategorized

The video: What some see as a legitimate campaign ad against Winnipeg’s incumbent mayor, Sam Katz, notes that the mayor has accomplished little in his six years in office before abruptly declaring that Katz “kicks children in the face” over video footage of the mayor doing just that — albeit accidentally, in an organized soccer match in August. A spokesperson for Katz’s chief opponent, Judy Wasylycia-Leis, tells The New York Times that her campaign is not responsible for the incendiary ad, and that, despite the American media attention it’s receiving, “fortunately in Winnipeg the discussion has remained focused on more important issues.”

Just when I thought the Canadians had decided to let their sacks drop, I see that they’ve managed to maintain their focus on “more important issues.”  Really the issue here is two fold:  First, this Canadian mayor needs to sell himself as “the candidate that kicks kids” (TM), you need to own that type of aggression.  Secondly, Canadians play soccer?  Shouldn’t that be frozen water, a bunch of Bauer equipment, lack of dental hygiene, and Don Cherry somewhere in the mix?