Archive for December, 2010

The Music City Debacle

// December 31st, 2010 // 4 Comments » // Uncategorized

10 years ago Tennessee Titan tight end Frank Wycheck took a handoff from Lorenzo Neal on a kickoff return with his team down 16-15 to the Buffalo Bills. The Bills had kicked the go ahead field goal with 16 seconds left in the Wild Card Playoff Game. Wycheck winged the ball across the field to Kevin Dyson and…I am going to stop there. I feel that Bills fans have suffered enough.

I am going to stay wiiiiidde right of rehashing the gory details of the Music City Miracle.

Tonight I witnessed the Music City Debacle.
 

Tennessee freshman Tyler Bray, down 17-14, led the Volunteers down the field for a go ahead touchdown with five minutes to go. The extra point, which would have made it a four point game for those without an abacus handy, was blocked.

Fast forward four and a half minutes. UNC is down 3 with under thirty seconds to play. Tar Heel quarterback Tyler Yates, who has been in college for twelve years, and yes I’m sure, floated the ball towards the sideline. The receiver appears to make a ridiculous circus catch and draws a fifteen yard penalty for launching. Is that actually a penalty?

The ruling on the field is a catch, which is important since the replays are too dodgy to overturn anything.

The Heels have a first down inside Tennessee territory. Then things get interesting.

Already in field goal range, UNC coach Butch Davis calls a running play to chew up the rest of the clock. The only problem is that he forgot to tell his team what to do next. Apparently he has some ineptitude still left on him from his stint with the Cleveland Browns. It’s not called the mistake by the lake for nothing people.

Yates is confused, waving his arms around frantically trying to bring his team to the line so he can spike the ball. The field goal unit is even more confused and starts running onto the field with five seconds to go. It seems like UNC’s comeback is going to be spoiled by some lingering Cleveland juju. Yates tries to spike the ball.

It’s too late. Time has expired. The referee waves his arms. Game over. A sea of orange swarms the field.

But wait. Another lengthy replay. It seems that there was one second left on the clock when the ball is spiked. UNC is penalized five yards for having half their team on the field. Such stupidity should warrant at least the same penalty as launching shouldn’t it?

Tennessee coach Derek Dooley is having LSU flashbacks. On October 2nd the Vols lost to the Tigers after appearing to win the game when they are flagged for too many men on the field. The Tar Heels are still in field goal range and Casey Barth kicks them into overtime.

The two teams trade touchdowns in overtime. Then Bray, instead of throwing the ball away and kicking a field goal, decides to float a duck right into the arms of a Tar Heel defender. Even Butch Davis can’t screw it up from here.

Two plays and here comes the field goal team again. The Volunteers watch as Barth ends the game.

The launching penalty was dumb, especially given everyone has gone all nervous nelly about concussions these days. But so was calling a defense that left two receivers open down the seams when your’e up 3 with time winding down. And so was getting an extra point blocked. And so was letting your freshman quarterback do his best Brett Favre impersonation in overtime.

Playing in their home state in the Music City Bowl, the Volunteers blew it. They can’t blame the officials. They took their time and made the right calls. I can’t even say the Tar Heels took it from them, because Butch Davis tried his damndest to give it back.

It was a debacle, plain and simple.

But it was also a great football game.

I Think I Have Fiesta Bowl Fever

// December 30th, 2010 // 6 Comments » // Uncategorized

uconn-2011-fiesta-bowl

Jeebus, I can’t wait to be in Arizona, land of the rising meth head, watching my former teammates shock the world at the 2011 Fiesta Bowl Presented By Tostitos (and possibly Breaking Bad).  Lots of insider blogging once I get down (or over?) there, but the good news is, win or lose this marks a monumental moment in UConn football.  Yeah we’ve won the Big East twice in 4 years.  You-like-a-da-way-da-dick-tastes, Boston College.

The Rook Presents: Dear Brett, ever heard of the expression “favorite child”? xoxo Barack

// December 30th, 2010 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

favre_brett_big_381

Earlier this week I emailed my dad about his fave star everrr, Eagles’ QB Michael Vick, and the exciting anti-news of Obama’s recognition of Vick’s character.

Subject: RE: enjoy this. i know you will.

From: Dad

To: Daughter

What a bunch of SHIT….. No matter how you look at it Vick is an abuser of life and the “leader of the free world” is giving praise to the owner of the Philadelphia Eagle for giving Vick a second chance.

Feel free to put that in your blog or FWG.

It makes me sick to think what Vick did to those poor dogs and even sicker to think that those actions are now in some way forgiven.  I hope people never truly FORGET what he did.  In turn I hope that the voting public never forget what the past 2 years were like before balance was again restored and one political party can’t have the “free reign” on this great nation’s best interest.  Political moves at their best ….. Let’s call the owner of the Eagles (in Pennsylvania) and tell him what a great guy he is.  Maybe it will get me votes in 2 years.

Love you kiddo,

Dad

Hahahaha - Dad’s been blogged before as the Old Lion, fast asleep on the couch - remember?  He only ever gets riled about two things: shoes in the hallway, and Michael Vick.  I couldn’t help but feed the fire.

Obama loves Michael Vick so hard.  He is still sleeping up in his Hawaii hotel room wearing his signed Vick replica jersey.  Tell me that Vick doesn’t already have thousands of presidents, greenbacks and Benjamins to console him through his ’struggle’.  Right?  All the while, Brett Favre is left sitting on his thumbs after investigative probing and a $50,000 fine.  Where’s the love, yo?

Firstly, I just sent that link to Dad.  Stay tuned for the next update from the Lion’s Den.  Secondly - do you think that Zygi Wilf and Woody Johnson are a little fired up that Eagles’ owner Jeffrey Lurie had a phone date with Obama?

P.S.  Sext T. Woods your lovin.  It’s his 35th birthday.  Holla!

The Gladiator Bowl??

// December 29th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

Here is a quick rundown of the bowl matchups for today:

2:30 East Carolina (6-6) Vs Maryland (8-4) in the Military Bowl – Such a marquee matchup should pull a couple hundred viewers away from General Hospital.

Half Assed Prediction – Pirates are notoriously scared of Turtles, and I don’t argue with nature…MARYLAND 27 ECU 13

6:00 Illinois (6-6) Vs Baylor (7-5) in the Texas Bowl – How about instead of just two mediocre teams who managed 6 and 7 wins respectively, we fill the stadium with trap doors, each containing tigers or alligators that pop up at random times to snatch a leg? I would definitely watch that.

Half Assed Prediction – Since the NCAA is clearly too scared to run with my trap door idea, I predict that people will be watching Seinfeld or Friends reruns instead of tuning in to what will turn out to be an entertaining game…ILLINOIS 31 BAYLOR 30

9:15 14 Oklahoma State (10-2) Vs Arizona (7-5) in the Alamo Bowl – Tune in a 915 folks, I hear Pee Wee Herman will be riding his bike out from the Alamo Bowl’s basement to perform the coin toss. If that wasn’t enough to wet your whistle…Wednesday’s best matchup features Big 12 player of the year Justin Blackmon, who is set to break Larry Fitzgerald’s sophomore receiving record, and the rest of the top ranked Cowboy offense against and Arizona team that was ranked 9th early in the season.

Half Assed Prediction – OKLAHOMA STATE 41 ARIZONA 31

Wake Up! With Good Word Play and Fun Porno Names

// December 29th, 2010 // 4 Comments » // Uncategorized

Back to reality for the working masses.  Sure Christmas was a treat, Kwanza has begun, and the NFL has left us with a few more answers, and less questions, (definitively, the Bills officially suck).  Anyway, my sister’s new boyfriend was up for the holidays.  Turns out this Jersey born good-guy is friends with a few nefarious characters, including one titan of the adult film industry, who’s claim to fame is possibly one of the greatest names in all of vintage adult entertainment.  Happy Monday, people.  You’ve earned it…..

img00147-20101229-0827

Dear Governor Rendell….

// December 29th, 2010 // 5 Comments » // Uncategorized

Governor Rendell,

I have no problem with you lamenting the wussification of America. Just look at all those in the airline business who failed to man up and do their job this week. I mean, honestly, what’s a little snow, and a little gale force wind to real men?

I also have no problem with you showing no concern for your constituents, most of whom would have been stranded had they attended the game on Sunday night. These are hard-nosed Philadelphians. If a few feet of heavy snow is going to keep them from rooting for their beloved Eagles, they should move to Arizona and play shuffle board while watching the Cardinals. You don’t want people who think with their heads in your town do you? Neither do I.

You want knuckleheads who would blindly travel into a blizzard to watch their team don’t you? You want men and women who will then abandon their cars when the weather gets worse, and then call out of work on Monday because they don’t have transportation don’t you? You want constituents who don’t care to contribute to their anemic economy by actually showing up for work, don’t you? I couldn’t agree more. After all, what good is a thriving economy if we are not perceived to have the biggest pair on the block?

As much as it saddens me that you brought up the ever expanding gap between Americans and the Chinese, I have no problem with that either. Like you, I don’t know one football fan who would trade their beer and hot dog for a calculus book. If we are unwilling to better ourselves, and in turn better our country on the way to watch our favorite sport, I guess we truly are a nation of wussies.

What I do have a problem with Ed, I hope you don’t mind if I call you Ed, is that you are limiting yourself. You are clearly a genius. And this once in a generation intellect needs a broader canvas then the governor’s office in order to give the world your own masterpiece, your own Mona Lisa.

Governor of a major city and you still have time to invent words, well sir, I have to say I am in awe of you. I suspect that you have created an entire language haven’t you? Well Ed, let me be the first to say, Bravo. With more minds like you we just might have a chance against those pesky Chinese.

Humbly Yours,

Corey Maloney

San Diego Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl Is Here, And Bowl Selection Couldn’t Get Any Worse

// December 24th, 2010 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

poinsettia-bowl-logo

So far the bowl season has offered only one quality football game. Sadly, for this former employee anyway, this was the Beef O’Brady’s Bowl. The rest have been boring. But what’s worse, is that they have made no sense. These early match ups seemed to be the result of uninspired committees scraping the bottom of the bowl eligible barrel, with no regard for good sense, creating dynamic match ups, or at the very least placing teams in bowls where there fans could enjoy the festivities.

Well boys and girls it has finally happened. Despite threatening to break the ‘Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town’ rule, which mandates you have serious merit in order to have a name longer than five words, the San Diego Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl at least makes sense.

Navy and Rickie Dobbs, featuring one of the nations leading ground games, travel to San Diego for their third bowl in six years. San Diego has the largest naval base on the west coast. Wait a second, this is sounding almost, dare I say, logical. A stadium full of rowdy midshipmen, and women, taking a break from their duties on the Christmas Eve Eve you say? Yes sir!

Navy’s opponent? The San Diego State Aztecs! That is not a misprint. It is actually a team who preformed well enough to be placed in their own city’s bowl. Teams who failed to generate enough buzz to play in their own city’s bowl games should be hanging their heads in under five hundred shame, especially since EVERYONE makes a bowl game these days. (I am looking at you New Mexico).

The upstart Aztecs, bring a stingy rush defense, ranked third in the Mountain West, to well, their backyard. Usually a doormat, San Diego State’s four losses this year came by a total of fifteen points. With stand out line backer Miles Buris and the conference’s top quarterback in Ryan Lindley, these are not your father’s Aztecs.

So to recap, you have two good teams, both with strong fan bases in the city. You have a great rushing attack against a good rush defense. You have rowdy servicemen and women getting into it with annoyingly laid back dudes from San Diego. You have the recipe for a good bowl game that makes sense to all those involved. Well done San Diego Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl! You totally redeemed your bowl committee brethren. Now lets talk about that name…

FWG Insider: Once You Go Black You Never Go Back (Tales From A Birkin Bag Shopping Fiasco)

// December 21st, 2010 // 25 Comments » // Uncategorized

birkin-bag

Had an interesting experience last week and decided to share my story with FWG Nation.

For those who might’ve missed my previous posts, I work in the sports industry with professional football players.

For better or worse, I’ve developed a reputation for helping these guys get stuff done.  Need a private chef in Green Bay?  Divorce lawyer in Seattle?  Call me!

But this request last week absolutely takes the cake.

A certain well-known (if slightly over the hill) player called me to ask him find a purse for his wife.

But this guy wasn’t looking for something from Coach or Gucci or Prada…he was looking for a Birkin bag.

Not to stereotype, but I’m guessing most people who read this blog don’t know what this is.

Allow me to enlighten you.

A Birkin bag is made by a snooty French company called Hermes (you can impress your girlfriend by pronouncing it the French way, ‘air-MEZZ’).

They make like 100 of these things a year and the price STARTS at 9 fucking thousand bucks.

So Mr. NFL calls to say he would like to buy one for his wife.  And who cares that people are on the wait list for years?  He needs it for Christmas.

I decided to take on the challenge.

Several phone calls later, I’ve learned a few things.

1)     The people that work in the stores are mostly men.

2)     The men that work in the stores have never heard of Mr. NFL.

3)     The non-football fans that work in the stores are not allowed to discuss the bag over the phone.

So, the conversations usually went something like this:

Me: “Hi. I’m calling for Mr. NFL.  He’s a player for the XXX XXXX.”

Store: Silence.

Me: “He’s a really good player. Big fan favorite.”

Store: “Um, I don’t really follow football.  But ok.”

Me: “Right, I know…but he’s a celebrity…don’t you have some on hand?”

Store: “He’s not really a big enough celebrity…”

Me: “Well, I know Kim Kardashian always carries a Birkin bag and she dates football players, so she clearly think they’re cool…”

Store: “Ohhhh…we looooove Kim!”

Me: “Of course you do.  So, we’re looking for a Birkin bag.”

Store: “There’s a two year wait list.”

Me: “Do you have any in the store that we could buy?  I’m ready to buy it today.”

Store: “Yes. But I’m not allowed to talk about them on the phone.”

Me: “Ok, so… can you tell me if you have one in stock?”

Store: “No, you’ll have to come into the store to see if we’ll be able to sell it to you.”

I had this same conversation like, 5 times.

Finally.  I cracked one of the douches.  They had a white bag in stock and it was mine.

Success!

So I text Mr. NFL to let him know that I found a white one.  And what was the response?

“I want black.”

Right.  Good luck with that.

-        FWG Insider

Ukulele Kid Is Messing Up My Universe/Proving We’re All Celebrating Mediocrity

// December 21st, 2010 // 22 Comments » // Uncategorized

Hey kid, come see me after you’ve learned the words.  This is America, being Asian and good an instrument isn’t good enough on its own.   You have to practice that shit, nail your timing….and, oh….Learn the words.  Kick it to me, Yo Yo Ma….!

The Rook Presents: “Sack me, Sanchez.” and watered down tales from New Meadowlands Stadium

// December 20th, 2010 // 4 Comments » // Uncategorized

jets2

Confession:  I’m now a Jets fan.  Sorry Dad.  Sanchez is well within my travel radius/marital status for creeping.

So my cousin gets two tickets to the Jets-Dolphins game for his birthday…and naturally he gifted me one…along with the golden opportunity to have Mark Sanchez autograph my VS Pink NFL collection!

Ladies, I know you know.  Holler!

It’s absolutely old news in the blogosphere since the game was last week, but that’s absolutely okay. Because the curse I left is the ominous cumulonimbus, hovering over New Meadowlands (for those of you who dropped jaws and drooled your Bud Lights all down your hoodie over the Giants’ loss, you know exactly what I’m talking about.)

ominous cloud: the rook

BAM! I'm totally a cloud!

It was a family-friendly bus and it was a fumble-recovery type game for both teams, but again: that’s absolutely okay.  Because everyone knows that the best part of an NFL game is the good stadium food (like, retarded good food), and watching a rowdy Dolphin chick get pounded in the back of the head with a full beer.   Like, I warned that b*tch to step off.

And at least we weren’t part of the Metrodome Massacre up in Minn.  Man I woulda hated that so hard.

Oh.  Thank Hanks for this video of an Asian track meet as a runner loses his mind:  [click here] compare your reaction to the Eagles’ fumble-touchdown kick return.  Right????