Archive for January, 2011

Surprise! You’re 25! The FWG Staffers Hit The Mountain

// January 26th, 2011 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

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Left to write we have: Engineering, Financials, SEO, and Legal.

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Not pictured is the girlfriend, who helped to orchestrate this extravaganza.  She pretty much makes all the major decisions including, but not limited to my outfits and which Comfy Sack color fits the office best.

The Opposite

// January 21st, 2011 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

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In order to breakdown Championship Weekend, I am going to embrace an idea employed by a prominent early 90’s philosopher.

“It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I’ve ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat … It’s all been wrong. I should do the opposite, I should.”

Let’s begin with the AFC Championship between the New York Jets and the Pittsburgh Steelers.

My original thought, my tuna on toast, coleslaw and cup of coffee if you will, was to pick the Steelers. They have a stifling defense and home field advantage. The Jets, who outplayed the Patriots on both sides of the ball last week, didn’t seem to have the same fire this week. They were gushing about the Steelers instead of taunting them and calling them ass holes.

The Steelers also have a seasoned playoff quarterback and are playing the Jets, who I wouldn’t pee on if they were on fire. So instinctually I would have picked the Steelers.

Corey’s Half Assed Prediction: The Steelers control the clock for much of the first half by pounding Rashard Mendenhall. The Jets, behind a big special teams play before the half, keep it close. After the war with Baltimore last week, the Steelers run out of gas in the second half. Sanchez, riding the momentum from last week’s performance, leads the Jets on two scoring drives in the 4th quarter to pull out a win. JETS 23 STEELERS 20

Just a second…hard to type with all this vomit in my mouth…its spilling out onto the keyboard…

Ok moving on.

The NFC Championship features the Chicago Bears hosting the Green Bay Packers.

After watching both teams dismantle their opponents last week, the Packers being far more impressive since they weren’t playing Seattle, I was inclined to go with the home team. The Packers had gone into Philly and Atlanta in the first two rounds and pulling out a third road win in a row seemed too much to ask of Aaron Rodgers.

Rodgers, before the playoffs anyway, would have ranked somewhere between the 7-10th best quarterback in the league. His team almost beat the Patriots in Foxboro without him so it seemed plausible that he was merely a good quarterback on a very good team.

Picking a good quarterback against a really good defense, playing on the road for the third week in a row? Well just as bald men with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents don’t go up to strange women, I don’t do that.

Also, my girlfriend really likes Aaron Rodgers. Even if the affection stems from having him on her fantasy team all year, I’m not sure how I feel about this. So instinctually I would have picked the Bears.

Corey’s Half Assed Prediction: Rodgers, who showed amazing mobility and uncanny pocket presence against the Falcons, keeps the Bears D on its heels. His performance in the playoffs vaults him right into the debate over who is the best quarterback in the league. Jay Cutler plays like Jay Cutler, and vaults himself over to Denny’s for a Grand Slam Breakfast. The Packers D sets a NFC Championship record with 26 takeaways and this one is over by the third quarter. PACKERS 34 BEARS 17.

Corey’s Search For Crow

// January 20th, 2011 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

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You know what the most important thing I learned from last weekend’s game between the Jets and Patriots was?

It wasn’t how important a kicker is to an NFL team. Had the Patriots had Stephen Gostowski instead of Shayne Graham, I believe that Belicheck goes for the 50 yard field goal on 4th and 13 late in the game. Instead, needing a touchdown and a field goal to tie, the Patriots went for it. A nearly eight minute drive ended with no points and effectively ended the Patriots season.

It wasn’t that Patrick Chung has carte blanche to call fake punts. Although, seriously? In a f#*@#*g playoff game? No one I have asked can remember the Patriots attempting a fake punt. Ever. So to learn that Belicheck leaves it up to a second year corner back to make these decisions is puzzling to say the least. But it’s not the most important lesson.

Neither is the fact that the Jets have the best corner backs in football.

And neither is the fact that I woke up on Monday morning to find I was living in a world where The Dirty Sanchez outplayed Tom Brady. This sole fact may prevent me from ever having children for fear of raising them in such a world. Seems like borderline child abuse.

The most important thing you ask?

There is no restaurant, store, or bodega in Manhattan that serves crow. I know because after the Jets came into Foxboro and humbled a Patriots team that many, including me, were picking to win the Super Bowl, I was looking for a big fat bowl of it.

Humbled and angry, I have spent the entire week as a sports recluse, avoiding New York newspapers and ESPN like they had Chlamydia.

It is time to move on.

There are two great games on Sunday, and as I football fan I am looking forward to them. Ok so maybe I am looking forward to watching Polamalu and the rest of the Steelers decapitate the Jets. But I am definitely ready for some football.

Check in tomorrow morning for some half assed expert analysis on Championship Weekend.

There’s No Duck Phone In Foxboro

// January 14th, 2011 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

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I am going to be objective. I really am. But first, well, I am going to shake out the bias. Here we go….

Hey Cromartie..You have 9 children with 8 women in 6 states. Shawn Kemp may be impressed with those numbers but when you have more baby mommas than interceptions, you may want to refrain from calling anyone an a*#hole.

Hey Sanchez.. I know more than one Jets fan who thinks they have a better shot with Brunell starting at quarterback. You know Brunell right? He’s the silver fox holding the clipboard who wouldn’t let you anywhere near his daughter.

Hey Rex..You’re so fat if you went missing, the Jets would have to use all four sides of the milk carton.

Hey Revis..If I come stay on your island can I expect to grossly overpay for services you are supposed to provide? You know, like running water and electricity.

Hey Mike Tannenbaum..thanks for giving us Goodhead…sorry…Woodhead.

Moving on.

The Jets travel to Foxboro to take on the Patriots on Sunday. The Divisional Round matchup will be the third between the two teams this year. The Jets handed the Pats one of their two losses this year, but that was a long time ago. A lot has happened since then. Including the 45-3 pimp slap the New England handed out on December 6.

The Patriots got rid of Randy Moss to improve chemistry. My parents tried a similar move when I was younger with a rowdy golden retriever named Noel that chased cars up and dug up all the flowers in the garden. At first my parents tried to train her, and then they tried to look the other way. In the end she was creating too many problems, too many arguments. In order to be a happy, functional family they knew what they had to do.

They gave Noel away while I was at school. I was pissed. That was my dog and no matter how badly she behaved I still had some great memories with her. I still loved her. Eventually I realized that my parents knew what they were doing. Getting rid of Noel was addition by subtraction.

A few months later, just like Moss, she was being advertised in the paper. Anyone who wanted her could take her. The dog I had grown to know and love was being given away, again. Eventually, with a new dog who was loyal, too smart to chase cars, and who liked to watch me play basketball, I moved on.

The Patriots moved on and it saved their season. They went from being a good team picked to finish second or third in the AFC East, to an efficient offensive juggernaut rattling off wins. Down the stretch they beat five playoff teams in the last eight weeks. Three of those wins, against the Steelers, Jets, and Bears, were blowouts.

While everyone was writing off Brady and Belicheck, the Jets were many people’s preseason Super Bowl pick. After falling to the Colts in the AFC Championship game last year, they loaded up in the offseason. With Sanchez a year better, and new weapons like LT and Santonio Holmes, the offense looked scary. The defense, with the addition of Jason Taylor and Antonio Cromartie, appeared to be improved as well.

I have been in New York for almost five years so I have become quite familiar with Jets fans. Every August I get bombarded with texts about the impending Super Bowl run. They send exclamation point riddled messages about Brett Favre!! The Sanchise!! REVIS ISLAND!! And so on. And so on. And so on.

Normally I poo poo all over their hopes. Pointing out that you don’t win the Super Bowl in week 2 by beating the Patriots and telling them to wait until January. Well now it is January. And the Jets, who won last week’s Wild Card Matchup with Peyton Manning, are coming into Foxboro. Instead of just poo pooing, I am going to analyze the New Jersey Jets strengths and weaknesses using, what else, The Jersey Shore.

Let’s start with Rex Ryan, the Jets’ version of The Situation. Ok so there is a slight difference in the abdominal region but hear me out. The Situation talks a good game. He is, all at once, hilarious, crude, and stupid. But make no mistake he is the mastermind. Sometimes you love him. Sometimes you hate him. But you always want to hear what he is going to say next. Look at last week, where he didn’t jump at the chance to sleep with Snookie’s friend. You would expect that to be right in the Situation’s wheelhouse, but he smartly “pressed the eject button”. Rex Ryan has shown the ability to press the eject button as well, surprising fans and opposing coaches and proving he can game plan with the best of them.

Next up we Mark Sanchez as Paulie D. Paulie D is a DJ, responsible for ensuring the party is not lacking in fist pumping intensity. Sanchez controls the Jets offense and makes sure that Ryan isn’t filled with fist pumping frustration. Sanchez is a young kid who just seems happy to be here. Like Paulie D he wants to be out there looking good, having fun, and not ruffling too many feathers. Occasionally responsible for monumentally highs or lows, but normally he just keeps it simple and hopes he doesn’t screw up. He is on the team but you often forget his contributions. In other words if you are saying his name too many times, bad news for the Jets chances and bad news for ratings.

Santonio and Braylon, you are the Jets version of Ronnie and Sammi. You just can’t seem to get right. Like Ronnie and Sammi, when you’re good you’re good, but when you’re bad you are more entertaining. I’m not arguing the talent. Santonio, much like Ronnie’s new Xenadrine commercial, we have seen you shine on the biggest stage. When someone needs to make a big play, or test positive for a banned substance, I expect you to step up. Braylon, like Sammi I think you started off strong in Jersey. Everyone was impressed by your physical skills. Then you started dropping passes like they were The Situation, and everyone realized they wanted to slap you when you opened your mouth. Since you are both relying on Sanchez to get you the ball, I expect you to be nonfactors on Sunday, fading into the background by the second half.

LT and Shonn Green you are my Snookie. You are the most important players on the roster for Sunday’s game. If the Jets are going to have a chance they need to keep Brady off the field. That means running the ball effectively. Any good episode of The Jersey Shore is largely centered around Snookie. She is a little oompa loompa of entertainment. Snookie also makes those around her more entertaining just like an effective LT and Green tandem will make Sanchez, Holmes, Edwards, and Rex Ryan better. Riding her for a forty five minute episode, will give you your best chance of winning. It may also result in a trip to the clinic for all involved. But hey, a win is a win right?

Darell Revis, could you be anyone but JWOWW? At first we were in awe. You had all the tools, and you seemed to back up everything you said. Then, we valued you too high. You got it in your head that you were more important than the rest of your team and you stopped showing up every week. Occasionally you step up, like you did when you shut down Reggie Wayne and punched Sammi in the face last week, but more often than not you are a sad reminder of wasted talent.

The Jets defense is Vinny. Sometimes they inexplicably disappear for a quarter at a time. But when they show up they remind you just how good they are. They tear through offensive lines like they were Snookie’s friends. They are equal parts humble (Jason Taylor) and brash (Bart Scott) and they always seem to balance out the team’s shenanigans. Vinny may not always seem like the most important character, but he is the glue. Without him you just have some tanned meatballs misbehaving. He adds home cooking. He adds soul.

The house at the Jersey Shore is like the Meadowlands. It is the Jets home. It is their comfort zone where they are capable of doing their best, and most entertaining work. This game isn’t at the Meadowlands though. This game is in Foxboro. And I just don’t think they are as good outside of Jersey.

Corey’s Half Assed Prediction: The Patriots at home are too good. Brady spreads the ball around so well he will be able to find holes in the Jets D. Danny Woodhead gets the game ball for scoring the go ahead touchdown pass. After the game he poops in a bag and sends it to Rex Ryan and Mike Tannenbaum. PATRIOTS 27 JETS 20.

Life Without Laundry Presents: How To Be A Man

// January 14th, 2011 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

Part of being a man is not knowing how to do laundry (or at least that’s how I sell it to my better half).  The fine commenter’s at the Jeep Forum apparently also have a few thoughts on being a man and our relationships with the opposite sex, here’s the exchange:

So, my boyfriend bought a ‘96 Cherokee (XJ) SE, for way too much, like around $3,000. It broke down and he has put another $2,500 in it and totally rebuilt the engine and did a lot of after market work on it. He has and will do all the labor himself, he refuses to pay for labor. Now, he finds out that the motor needs to be taken back out and fixed again and is looking at another $700. I said he should just sell it and wipe his hands clean, he says he won’t make enough.
Firstly, what is your guys’ opinion on what he should do? Secondly, how much do you think he could make parting it versus just the whole car as is?
Thanks for your guys’ opinions!

What say you, username WGirvine?

You want my opinion? Ok…

Shut the hell up. You’re not his wife. You’re not paying for the repairs. It’s absolutely none of your business what he does with his Jeep or his money. I know your type well… first it’s “Sell the Jeep because it’s costing too much money.” Then it’s “No, you can’t go spend the weekend with your buddies because I need you to take me shopping.” Then it’s “Oh gee, honey… I’m pregnant. Gosh, I have no idea how that happened.”

You’re a DreamKiller. You kill a guy’s dreams, take away his future, tie him down with a fat mortgage and too many babies, and turn him into just another miserable guy wondering, “How the hell did I get here?”

Do you really want to help him? Here’s what you do… go to your local library (it’s a big building with books inside) and check out a couple of books on rebuilding engines. Read them, over and over, until YOU understand what needs to be done. Then help him get that engine out and rebuild it. Tie your hair back in a ponytail, put on some old jeans and get your hands dirty. Hand him wrenches, hold the light, pull the wire connectors apart, help him get the hood off… help him with anything he needs. When he gets tired, run inside and make him a hot lunch or dinner. Fix him coffee, hot chocolate, whatever he wants. (But NO beer. Beer is for when the job is done.)

Then when the day is over and you’re both exhausted from working on the engine, push him into a hot shower and jump in with him. Scrub his back, wash his hair, rinse him off, and dry him with fluffy towels still hot from the dryer. Then push him into bed and screw his ears off. Then get up the next day and do it all over again.

Make him realize that rebuilding an engine is a slow and methodical process. Make him realize that every step should be regarded as surgery; every step must be perfect… perfect torque, perfect fit, perfectly clean. If you run into a step that you just can’t figure out, ask for help from someone who knows what he’s doing. Are you cute? Put on a low-cut top, show some cleavage and go (by yourself) to the local Jeep shop, and explain to the guys that you are helping your boyfriend to rebuild his engine and neither of you can figure out this one little step, and do they have any advice…

Think it won’t work? Think again. We guys love to help cute girls, even if they have a boyfriend. (Hey, maybe you’ve got a sister, or girlfriend…)

But absolutely DO NOT whine or complain. Do not say a single negative thing. Not a single “Oooooo, I broke a nail.” If you break a nail, or cut your finger, or bang a knuckle, you just shut up and DEAL WITH IT. You should be a hopelessly optomistic, never-say-die cheerleader, encouraging him every step of the way.

That’s my opinion.

Game, Blouses.
Thanks to Derek for the tip.

Want more time for man things? Use the best laundry service in Boston they’ll pick up, wash, fold, and deliver your skinny jeans. Promo Code FWGRULES = 10% off.  Taste it.
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The Rook Presents: UCSB Old Spice Spoof and now we’re talking the talk

// January 13th, 2011 // 7 Comments » // Uncategorized

Look at this fly Old Spice Spoof: UCSB Basketball. The Gauchos host UC Irvine on Thursday, Jan. 13 and UC Riverside on Saturday, Jan. 15.

Oh word.

Hell yeah I’m streaming UCSB’s match ups this week! By the way, who else didn’t know that Old Spice Guy was a washed up NFL practice team player? Straight up smug jerk but I totally dig him.

Whatever. UCSB kid has got game. I’m all a-twitter from this epic wit [take that down King James]

In other news:

Super Bowl spreads have a tendency of moving violently from where they open, and that’s largely because it’s the single most heavily wagered game in sports betting. When the Super Bowl spreads are released right after the conclusion of Championship Weekend, it might be smart to bet right off the cuff so you don’t get caught by the public. Points can cost a fortune if you want to buy them back in a tease, so keep your eye out for the Super Bowl spread and take it as soon as you can. That is, of course, if you’re feeling confident.

King James just put me into anaphylactic shock.

// January 13th, 2011 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

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Crazy. Karma is a b****.. Gets you every time. Its not good to wish bad on anybody. God sees everything! [twitter]

whyyyyy do you ruin everythinggggggg.

Nobody even knows who starts for the Cavs, they got bombed by the Lakers 112-57.  Okay, we get it.  Everybody start hailing good King James because he left them and now it’s all “karma” blahblahblah.

This is why I can’t stand the NBA.  Players get signed and then they puss out.  Start missing practices because their iPhones have the 2011 alarm clock glitch, tweet their smack talk, or they get all ‘Melodramatic’ over trades [see what i did there?  totally ganked that from SI.com this morning...].

Fkn, if you’re gonna smack talk or get a technical do it right.  Karma is a fundamental doctrine in Buddhism; of people who do. not. believe. in. God.  Please King James, for the love of Buddha do not ever enlighten us again via social media.  Your image and your GED cannot possibly handle it.

In high school we played this one inner-city team, Edison.  White girls from the ‘burbs cruising on a big yellow school bus downtown to a dank, empty gym to play with some sistas from the hood.  Game plan was to fend for your life. Til one year when their point guard started screaming at her own player, “look at me when I dribble the damn ball,” and then wound up and railed her teammate in the face with the Spalding - epic bloody nose.   Uh….???

Last Chance

// January 10th, 2011 // 5 Comments » // Uncategorized

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This past weekend the NFL playoffs began. With the exception of a Kansas City team that, after taking a half’s worth of punches from Ed Reed and the rest of the Ravens defense, decided to remain in the locker room drinking hot chocolate, Wild Card Weekend gave us three great games.

First up we had the Seahawks Vs the Saints. Even though the game was in Seattle, no one gave the Seahawks much of a chance against the defending Super Bowl champs, who appeared to be peaking towards the end of the season. Apparently no one told Matt Hassleback he was supposed to lose. Marshawn Lynch, an absolute beast running downhill, clearly didn’t get the memo either. His run to put the game out of reach is one of the greatest crunch time runs I have ever seen. And yes, I am ignoring the horrendous tackling by the Saints and giving all the credit to Lynch. Maybe that’s why the Saints didn’t trade for Lynch. Their secondary was terrified of him and it would have upset the locker room chemistry.

Next we had Rex Ryan, who seems to take everything personal these days, and the Jets against Peyton Manning. What do you mean there was a football team involved? Rex said he wanted to beat Manning. If he isn’t concerned about the rest of the Colts then I’m not either. Hmmm on second thought maybe I shouldn’t be taking my cues from an obese blowhard who shoots videos of his wife’s feet while pretending to be a police officer.

As a Patriots fan I was rooting for the Jets. And no it has nothing to do with not wanting anything to do with playing Peyton Manning in the playoffs. Seriously, it doesn’t. I promise. When Folk kicked his team into the divisional round, ending a wildly entertaining game and the Colts season, I was genuinely excited. Ok so that may have had to do with a bet I had with my girlfriend but that’s neither here nor there.

I want to play the Jets. I live in New York and have been watching Rex talk about his team as a Super Bowl contender all year. Like all he had to do was be fat and mildly entertaining and that would punch his team’s ticket. Well here is your chance to put your money where your wife’s feet go. Bring it on.

Sundays games started off strong. Kansas City you played good football all season and took advantage of an easy schedule to make the playoffs. You played one good half of playoff football in front of your diehard fans. That’s about all I have to say about that.

That and the Ravens defense can be scary good.  I hope that Pittsburgh manages to take them out before they meet the Patriots in the AFC Championship. Yep. I said it. We will beat the Jets, and yes, I’d rather play Pittsburgh.

The last game of Wild Card Weekend was the Packers Vs the Eagles. This one started off slowly, with first quarter jitters affecting both teams. As the game went on you saw why the Packers were many people’s preseason NFC Super Bowl pick. They have a physical, in your face defense that gets after the quarterback. They have a great quarterback throwing to a talented receiving core, and when they want to they can run the ball and control tempo.

The Packers went into Philly and got the job done. The Eagles had a shot. Brent Celek shame on you. Then another shot. Then another shot. But in the end Green Bay held on. Depriving everyone of the potential Eagles and Falcons matchup that had everyone salivating…like a dog.

Ed McMahon gives the opening weekend of the playoffs…..three and half quality football games out of four.

The last four weeks there have been 256 Bowl Games leading up to tonight’s Tostitos BCS National Championship game. Ok ok, so there have only been 34. But out of those 34 you know how many have been quality football games? Go ahead, think back. Try and remember the memorable games over the last few weeks.

I can think of 4 or 5. Even rounding up that’s 5 out of 34. That means 85.3% of the College Bowl Games were not worth watching. Compare that to 87.5% of Wild Card Weekend being, not only worth watching, but quality, exciting playoff football. There’s that word again…playoffs. Playoffs? Sorry Jim Mora, but that never gets old.

Much has been made about the current BCS system. Many feel a playoff system would be better. Hard to argue when they rolled out boring, unwatchable games this past month at an 85% clip.

Well BCS, this is your last chance. Tonight’s game is your shot to prove that you know what you are doing, that you have indeed, saved the best for last. If Oregon and Auburn fail to live up to the hype then I am turning against you forever. What’s that you don’t care what I, or any other red blooded college football fan thinks?

Well I’ve got news for you Mr. Brown. You haven’t heard the last of me. You may think I’m shit now…

Half Assed Prediction – Oregon behind a huge game from Lamichael James, keeps it close but in the end Cam Newton is just too well paid, sorry, too good to let his team lose. The BCS Title Game lives up to the hype but I turn against them next year anyway. Why? Because I am bitter. TIGERS 41 DUCKS 38

Jets take Colts [insert foot in mouth].

// January 9th, 2011 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

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Deadspin - Jan 22, 2010 - Just got an email from Major League Eating president Rich Shea. If the Jets win Sunday, Eatapus Rex will get a seat in the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. This is all the motivation Ryan needs.

Technically this is from the 2010 playoffs when the Colts skunked out the Jets (10-7).

But wtf holla for a footlong fetish -  [JETS BEAT COLTS : 17-16] in the 2011 AFC Wildcard Game last night.  Come on, newly proclaimed Jets fan over here and even I know that shouldn’t have happened.

om nom nom nom nommmmmmmmmm.

>>> chea! mutha fka’s!

xoxo - The Rook

The Rook Presents: Every-girl-ever just thinks you’re a lot like Tron Guy…

// January 6th, 2011 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

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Tron Guy’s Homemade Costume - [shut the front door. i love this. so hard.]…and he loves Tron. so soft?

He’s starting his own superheros club.  And boy scout troop.

Tron Guy just shamed all sports fans.  FYI guys.  This is what you all look like to us (can I get an ‘amen’ sistas??).   Unless you’re packing a larger ray gun.

Every girl ever wonders this: what the hell is it with dudes and their teams [in TG's case, movie fetish]? Which begs the question if your guy would rather you wear boyshorts with his team’s logo, or with the rival’s?  And don’t you dare touch his vintage jersey signed by _____.  Hypothetically.

My friend Scott is a NJ Devils fan and it’s gotten so bad that he started sleeping with his pajamas inside out, refusing to shave facial hair, and has been on the verge of tears basically since they hit the ice.  Unreal.  No chick is going near that mess.  Rather be sippin tron-tinis with TG.

Devils are what…last place now? And because they won on New Years Eve, netting their second win for the month, Scotty creeped around in a smelly, moldy Devils jersey the rest of the night. Then boozed til he dropped like Snooki in the ball…jersey shore rep-re-SENT.

SOOOooooOOO! Jets v. Colts this Saturday. Holla!

Pedicure plans - canceled. Attendance to brother’s beauty pageant (see video posted previously) will be postponed until the final whistle. My day is actually hinging on the outcome of that very game.  It’s mostly that I’m trying to avoid my crazy roommate’s idea of “girls nighttttt”.

Eff that shit I’m bringing Ed with me.  Pass the crackers:

, the hardcore hard hat Jets enthusiast”]Ed Anzalone, [Fireman Ed], the hardcore hard hat Jets enthusiast