Archive for February, 2011

AJ Daulerio Doppelganger In Garnier Fructis Commericial?

// February 28th, 2011 // 4 Comments » // Uncategorized

Been seeing this commercial for a while now, and I couldn’t quite figure out why it stuck.  At first I thought it was the shitty premise, or the uppity look this guy gives right at the end (yes, I’ve already wasted too many man-hours in this frivolous cause).  But then it hit me, “Why does this commercial make me want to peddle smut and break stories?”  Because, this is non other than Deadspin’s Editor in Chief AJ Daulerio, or at let that’s my story until proven otherwise.  See below, it’s pretty much scientific fact.

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Corey’s Breaking Point

// February 28th, 2011 // 4 Comments » // Uncategorized

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Last night at the Oscars, Kathryn Bigelow presented the award for best director. Sitting on the couch, I recalled how Ms. Bigelow changed my life.

My father and mother were flying to New Foundland for the weekend for an anniversary dinner. At the last minute my mom decided that my cousin Chris and his girlfriend were unfit to look after my younger brother and sister, and she wasn’t going. They had purchased two nonrefundable roundtrip tickets so someone had to go. That someone was me.

I viewed it as a sure sign of my parent’s acceptance of me as an equal. I didn’t care how I got there.  If I got to play point guard for the Celtics because the whole team had come down with a crippling case of hemorrhoids, I would still be on the team.  I would still be running up and down that brilliant parquet floor, just as I had dreamed while taking imaginary game winning shots in my driveway.

Taking my mother’s place made me, for the weekend anyway, an adult.

When we got there, my father informed me that he, along with the other adults, would be leaving for dinner.  I wasn’t sure why he felt the need to share this information.  Perhaps he was jetlagged, and had forgotten the self bestowed adult status I was enjoying for the weekend.

Maybe it was like Thanksgiving dinner, when you are too old to sit at the kids table but there is no room at the adult table.  You are stuck trying to have dinner conversations with six and seven year olds who are making fart noises in their mashed potatoes.  Until someone dies, or is disowned, you’re stuck there in holiday dinner purgatory.

My frustration at being left behind faded when I realized that I would be hanging around with my cousin Patrick.

Older siblings and cousins hold a mythical, god-like status. They listen to cooler music, wear cooler clothes, stay up later, and get to watch cooler movies. I sat down with Patrick and his friends to watch a newly released R rated movie, and as the bright red R rating flashed onto the screen, I felt goose bumps.

An eleven year old up past his bed time in a foreign country couldn’t have asked for more.

When the smarmy FBI director uttered this genius assessment of Reeve’s character, Jonny Utah; young, dumb, and full of cum, I was confused.  At the tender age of eleven I had no idea what this meant. Everyone else had found it hilarious, so I laughed. I would be sure to label my little brother young, dumb and full of cum when I got home, delighting family and friends.

As the four letter words began to lose their impact, I wondered, where is the partial nudity?

I turned the box over in my hands. There it was.  Rated R for adult language, violence, and partial nudity.  What if I had missed it? I had no idea what partial nudity was, so it was plausible that it had slipped by while I blinked, or reached for my soda.

Then, it happened. A gun fight broke out, during which Anthony Keidis blows a bloody hole in his Reebok. Amidst the bullets and the shouting, I finally got what I had been waiting for.  A stray bullet conveniently shatters the glass in the shower revealing a very blonde, very naked woman.

Although the expert camera angles prevented me from catching a clear glimpse of anything, I felt something. It felt dangerous, like I was out there in the world doing something wrong, and there was no one around to tell me to cover my eyes, or go to bed.

There was no going back now.  Something inside of me had broken. There was a hole in my innocence the size of the hole in Anthony Keidis’ foot.  The hole was insatiable. I sat on the edge of my seat, nervously running my hand around the edge of my Welch’s grape soda, waiting for more partial nudity.

I had been enjoying an average movie, with some slightly below average acting, with respect to Gary Busey, and Lori Petty’s hair do.  But now, it was me “versus the system, the system that kills the human spirit” and prevents it from freely viewing all the boobs it wants.  The movie stood for something.  “To the dead souls inching along the freeway in their metal coffins” wishing each and every woman walked around topless, Point Break showed me that “the human spirit” and its desire for cleavage “was still alive.”

People yearn to be inspired, to feel alive.  True art, true creative expression must have that life altering effect on you.  It has to shake the very core of who you are and leave some form of hole in you.  I barely remember the first time I got laid, and for a million dollars, I couldn’t tell you who the speaker at my college graduation was. But I will always remember feeling like an adult for the first time.

“This is your wakeup call” Kathryn Bigelow “I am” not “an FBI agent” but I am, and always will grateful.

Must See TV

// February 26th, 2011 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

I normally wait until the Super Bowl is over to start paying attention to College Basketball.

By February you are knee deep in conference play, creeping towards the Big East Tournament, and the madness of March is on the horizon. This year it has taken a little longer than usually but with a handful of quality games in TV lately (Ohio State losing its bid for a perfect season against Wisconsin for one) I am finally coming around.

NCAA/BASKETBALL

The timing gives me a chance to catch #7 BYU travel to #4 San Diego State today.

The casual fan has probably never seen Jimmer (sounds like some sort of complicated sex trick) Fredette play. Well here’s your chance. Not only that but he is playing on the road at San Diego State. Otherwise known as The Show.

The Show may not have the cache of the Cameron Crazies but I assure you they are worth the price of admission. Or in this case, turning on CBS from my couch. They are right on top of the court. They are loud, smart fans who know how to impact a game. Last year against BYU on fan made a sign that read;

“Which wife gave you mono?”

The sign was aimed at Fredette, a Mormon who had caught mononucleosis. It didn’t exactly slow Jimmer down, he torched the Aztecs for 33 in a Cougar win, but it gets points for being creative and borderline tasteless. Two of my favorite things.

The Show dress up like Gecko’s, bananas, elves, and they wave giant signs. It is like a circus, but it is deafening, and gives them one of the best home court advantages in college basketball.

Last year when BYU was finishing of San Diego State, The Show chanted “You’re Still Mormon!”

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Mormon or not, they came into your house and shit in your shower.

The best player in the country on the road against a fired up Show, who are desperate to avenge last year’s loss, and on top of all that the winner puts themselves in line for a number one seed in March.

Do yourself a favor and tune in.

Moment of Silence…

// February 25th, 2011 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

I know it was for charity but…oh nevermind.

Lets just take a moment of silence to honor Brett Keisel’s beard, which he shaved off for stupid charity.

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NEW SITE COMING SOON!

// February 25th, 2011 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

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The NBA trade deadline has come and gone.

Let’s hope it didn’t end in my favorite basketball team trading away their starting center, leaving them with an over the hill jokester who “is perfectly content playing mediocre for limited stretches and is only wearing a jersey to add one more ring to his shoulda been retired already career.” Thanks Brian.

Oh and they would also be left with a big white euro goon who doesn’t play defense, and an undersized power forward who couldn’t jump to a conclusion, as backups.

Let’s also hope it didn’t end in any faith at all being put in Delonte West’s crazy hands. And let’s hope that it didn’t take Nate Robinson away from us.

Wait, ALL of that already happened?

Well, I guess there’s only one thing left to do then…

GET EXCITED ABOUT THE LAUNCH OF OUR NEW SITE!!!!…. Oh, and win the whole f##@ing thing!

Check Back Soon For More Details

Who Is Trick Shot King? UConn vs Monmouth: Who Ya Got?

// February 24th, 2011 // 9 Comments » // Uncategorized

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As the he chart above sadly clearly illustrates, this “quarterback” from  Monmouth is managing to beat UConn’s Johnny Mac.   You FWG-lifers (otherwise known as the unemployed) are probably expecting me launch into some diatribe about how New Jersey is the armpit of America and how tattoo inspired T-shirts were born there.  Well, I’m not.  And not just because this in Monmouth College (of the Illinois persuasion)

Because I know, deep down that UConn, especially UConn football has the edge over Monmouth every day of the week, and twice on Saturdays.  Not simply because UConn is real football, but because we got there first.  We’re innovators.  We act, you react.

Allow me to explain;  You know how, say, you’d had a really successful career in business and as a family man.  Pulling in 10 to 15 mil annually, married to the beautiful wife you’ve always dreamed of who is an excellent mother and an absolute panther in the sack?  But, because mommy went slumming with a football player back in college, some bum making 30K a year now has the one thing you can’t buy: Got-there-first-bragging-right.

Well, the year was 2008—Spring Break to be exact–when UConn football players met a group of Monmouth (Jersey) students enjoying the Mexico sun pool side.  Flexing our lineman bodies would surely do the trick (it didn’t) and we pursued with personality (it did).  I’ll leave the details of this encounter to the imagination.  I’m sure you’re saying, “a one time lapse in judgment by  5 or 6 coeds doesn’t condemn an entire learning institution…”  And that’s where you’d be right, good reader.  The sun was hot, the drinks were good, and the women were both.  But, not an isolated incident as these Monmouth grads were spotted on UConn’s campus several times over the coming months exiting athletic housing in the wee morning hours.

So while I give Monmouth (Illinois) credit for trying to out do us, as with this video and any population of certified babes:  Getting there first is everything.

Vote Johnny!

Non. Compliance. Alleging. A#*H@#*S.

// February 23rd, 2011 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

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As someone who grew up playing, watching, living and breathing basketball, Jim Calhoun has been a part of my life for almost 20 years. Calhoun recruited Reggie Lewis, my favorite Celtic as a kid, to Northeastern before taking the head coaching job in Storrs.

He has been the coach at UCONN since I was 4 years old. In that time he took the program from a Big East bottom feeder to a perennial power house. Ever since recruiting Bridgeport’s Chris Smith, Calhoun has attracted blue chip prospects by the handful. After Smith, who led UCONN to the Big East Championship and a Sweet 16 birth against Duke in his sophomore season, there was Donyell Marshall, Clifford Robinson, Ray Allen, RIP Hamilton, Ben Gordon, Caron Butler, Rudy Gay, and Emeka Okafor.

Clearly Calhoun has some serious game when it comes to recruiting.

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The NCAA has suspended Calhoun for the first 3 Big East games of 2011-2012 for “failing to create an atmosphere of compliance.”

Failing to create an atmosphere of compliance? Sounds like something one of the Borgs would have said to the crew of the Enterprise, or something that would have been used to justify the burning of a beloved book.

I have no idea what an atmosphere of compliance is, and frankly I don’t care. Calhoun has admitted that mistakes were made in the recruiting process, but insisted that he is not, nor has he ever been a cheater. I not only believe him, I blame the NCAA.

The rules should be designed to protect our athletes, promote fair play, and ensure the integrity of college sports.

They should not be designed to ensnare quality coaches who have devoted their entire lives to teaching a game that they love.

The NCAA has made a habit out of stealing headlines with their investigations. This past fall, Cam Newton got burned at their stake for the sins of his father, and it nearly derailed his career. It is time for the NCAA to learn its place.

We don’t watch sports to hear about sanctions, probations, and atmospheres that lack compliance.

We watch sports because we love what they bring into our lives; the competition, the excitement, the athletic ability that has left most of us years ago, if it was ever present at all. The NCAA is taking the fun out of sports. The NCAA is gradually turning college sports into a police state, where each day gives us a new court case to consider.

Maybe he made some mistakes, but Jim Calhoun is no cheater.

Shame on the NCAA for dragging his name through the mud in the interest of something so ridiculously obscure as an atmosphere of compliance.

Not LA, Anywhere but LA

// February 23rd, 2011 // 5 Comments » // Uncategorized

DIGIPIXThere has been enough said, written, and screamed about Carmelo Anthony in the last few days so I am going to give you a break.

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The real story of Carmelo’s trade to the Knicks, as it pertains to this season, is Raymond Felton. Don’t get me wrong, I think the Knicks made the right move. Carmelo and Amare Stoudemire are great players, and they will probably earn a banner or two to hang up in the Garden. Just not this year.

Miami and Boston are too good to be beaten by two great players and a D League supporting cast.

Raymond Felton is a good NBA point guard. Unfortunately for him there is a log jam at the top of the best PG in the league. But after Rondo, Rose, Westbrook, Paul, Williams, and Nash there is no one I would rather have running a playoff caliber team. Felton is a stocky hardnosed player who has shown the ability to play his best basketball since being given the keys to its biggest stage.

Now he’s on the Nuggets, who already have a talented young point guard in Ty Lawson. And George Karl has said Lawson will be the starter. I don’t believe Felton will take to a back-up role after running point in Manhattan.

Most experts don’t believe he will be in Denver long enough to unpack. So the question is where does he go?

The most logical, and terrifying option for this particular Celtics fan, is the Lakers. Derrick Fisher is past his prime and Felton has the talent, and NBA experience to command respect from Kobe, Gasol, and Co. He is also a pass first point guard who knows how to score in the flow of an offense.

A Laker team with a point guard who actually knows how to distribute the ball is a scary proposition. Scary indeed.

The Knicks are always on TV in New York and since I can’t always watch my Celtics, I have tuned in for a few Knicks games this year. I commented to a Knicks fan friend of mine that Felton, with his cocky, swaggering style, was a perfect fit for the Garden. He reminded me of Marc Jackson, but with athletic ability.

Watching him bounce up and down the Garden floor this year has been fun.

Watching him do it in the NBA finals against the Celtics, wearing that vomit inducing purple and yellow wouldn’t be.

Dear Hank Steinbrenner (aka Daddy’s Boy)….

// February 22nd, 2011 // 4 Comments » // Uncategorized

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Dear Hank Steinbrenner,

You recently came out and said that the 2010 Yankees underachieved because they were still celebrating their World Series title from 2009. The players were “too busy building mansions”, and it affected their focus on the field. Though you maintained, “I am not singling out any individual”, it seemed an obvious shot at Yankee captain, and recent mansion constructor, Derek Jeter.

Now Hank, ordinarily I would be inclined to admonish you for taking such a public shot at the face of your organization. Such attacks always seem petty and after you guys played chicken over his contract this summer, it seems that you have a personal problem with Jeter. I am not saying that is the case but such middle school lunchroom finger pointing is going to give that impression. Ordinarily I would prefer you kept family business in the family and if the whole family struggles, then you lambaste them all. Not just the eldest brother who has accomplished the most and led the family into a shiny new house.

The more I thought about what you said, the more I am coming around.

In 2003 your father George spoke out publicly after he felt that Jeter had stayed out too late at a birthday party. With Jeter’s burgeoning popularity and your father’s health well below the Mendoza line, The Boss was forced to back off from the public warfare he seemed determined to wage. Personally I can see where the Steinbrenner’s vendetta comes from. Jeter has won 5 rings for the Yankees so he probably walks around the Bronx with some form of narcissist complex doesn’t he? That is why you guys built that cavernous new stadium isn’t it? All that empty space was needed so you could coexist with Jeter’s ego.

He bangs super models, has more money than he knows what to do with, wait sorry he builds mansions, I forgot, and he is slipping on the field. Your family’s business is to knock him down a few pegs.

You should know Hank, I am a Red Sox fan. But despite my hatred for anything in pinstripes, I had always found a way, as a baseball fan, to respect Derek Jeter. I watched him shine on the biggest stage as a rookie. I watched him play hard, so hard that it seemed he had no regard for that super model magnet of a face, and I watched him side step potential drama with teammates with the same dexterity he showed on the field. Derek Jeter, to me, played the game the way that it should be played and in this day and age I found that respectable. Never going to like Jeter, although I did happen to meet him one night and he was polite, engaging, and it kills me to say, pretty damn cool.

It is that old school cool that he plays like the pied piper, getting all of us, even a diehard Sox fan, to respect him. Maybe the rest of us have been fooled but like your father before you, you see right through it don’t you Hank?

Since you couldn’t be any less cool, I have to see the validity in your argument here. There is nothing but the truth to sway me, since I don’t like or respect you. That is why I have come around. Jeter is a menace, a mansion building menace, and he must be dealt with.

Like any good son would, you are dealing with this menace as your father would have liked. You are attacking him publically. Jeter, for his part, is calmly sidestepping those attacks while responding, as always with class. It must enrage you to see your father’s tactics land harmlessly on Jeter’s shoulders like an unbroken water balloon. But have faith Hank, if history has taught us anything it’s that waging a war takes time. Especially a public war that against an opponent your father already tried to bring down once.

So stay the course Hank, keep fighting your father’s war in the way he would have fought it himself. And if you ever doubt that you are doing the right thing, invite George W. Bush out to dinner the next time he is in New York and pick his brain. No one is more qualified to advise you on doggedly pursuing a war that everyone is against yet must be fought because that’s what your daddy would have wanted.

When you feel down you will have W’s words, and the shining example of the immense success of his war with Iraq to lead you onward.

Good luck Hank.

Corey

FWG is launching a new site

// February 22nd, 2011 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

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Sorry for the lack of posting…even this one is going to be brief…but with 2 Million in the coffers we’re in the midst of launching a new site.  Stay tuned.