Archive for May, 2011

The Weekend Recap: Lebron James Edition

// May 31st, 2011 // 10 Comments » // Uncategorized

Well it’s official.

Summer is here.

I don’t want to hear any of that “summer solstice” nonsense either. You know how I’m so sure that the interminable winter of 2010/2011 is finally over?

People are no longer complaining about it being cold, and have already started complaining about it being too hot. For the record, I won’t complain until the sun parks itself in my living room, and melts all my furniture.

In honor of all those people complaining, no matter how good or how bad they have it, I’m rolling out a Lebron James Edition of the Weekend Recap.

See what I did there?



I crashed my Jeep when I was in high school. It cost me $2000 dollars and a trip to a psychiatrist. My dad assumed that I must be on drugs to have driven my car out into a blizzard after being expressly told not to leave the house. I wasn’t, unless you count stupidity as a drug.

J.R. Hildebrand lost $1.5 million by crashing his car on the final turn at the Indy 500 on Sunday. Hildebrand replaced Dan Wheldon, who took advantage of the rookie’s mistake to win the race, behind the wheel of the National Guard car in 2010. Wheldon was looking for work going into the Indy 500, and joked that he was going to be the most popular guy on the unemployment line come Tuesday morning.

I feel Hildebrand’s pain. $2000 to a high school kid is the equivalent to roughly $1.5 million to a professional Indy car racer.

I just hope that his dad doesn’t think illegal narcotics were to blame.


THE Ohio State University announced that it will be offering a new degree program this fall.

Incoming freshman can now pursue a B.S. in How to Cheat Fans and Influence Investigations. jim-tressel-nc

In addition, they can also apply for a couple of scholarships to help fund their academic pursuits. There is the Jim Tressell Scholarship for the young man, or woman, who shows proficiency in deceiving authorities, encouraging and condoning corruption, and hiding all of these qualities behind some form of harmless, country club attire. Tressell declined comment after hearing the news that the scholarship committee chose him over a long list of other candidates, including OJ Simpson and Enron.

The Terrelle Pryor Scholarship will be awarded to one lucky freshman who ruined their high school career by any of the following deviations from upright behavior; selling pot, taking bets on field hockey games, selling used athletic equipment, or accepting cars, tattoos, or houses from anyone who said they are a “friend” of the program. The caveat being that they are freakishly talented in some way, and that allows them to still draw national interest despite the impropriety.


At least now we all know how Qatar (pronounced Cheater) managed to get the 2022 World Cup.



It seems that Dwight Howard spent his Memorial Day Weekend watching Rocky IV.

As he told the world that he will not follow in Shaq’s footsteps, or anyone else’s for that matter, and wants to make his own path, he basically told the city that if he can change, everyone in Orlando can change.

I admire Howard’s intentions. It is noble to hear a superstar say they want to build their own legacy, on their own terms. Even more than that, I appreciate his attempts at rallying the city of Orlando to his cause by imploring them to abandon the small market mentality that is hindering their title hopes.

I will try and remember all these warm feelings when I am booing Howard in the puke inducing purple and gold, of a Lakers uniform.


To all the men and women out there who have fought and died for our country;

We may complain about it being too cold or too hot, and spend inordinate amounts of time bitching about sports, but none of that compares to the sacrifices that you have made over the years in order to protect us.

I might be a day late, but I truly appreciate it.



Do You Remember The Time…..

// May 28th, 2011 // 7 Comments » // Uncategorized


Bill Cartwright, Stacey King, Toni Kukoc, John Paxson, Steve Kerr, Dennis Rodman, BJ Armstrong, Luc Longley, Bill Wennington, Will Purdue, Scott Williams, Horace Grant, Jud Buechler, and Scottie Pippen.

Those are just a few of the players who owe their places on the NBA map to Michael Jordan.

Apparently one of them has a Sears Tower-sized case of amnesia.

Scottie Pippen made news this week, and no, it wasn’t for weeping in a towel and refusing to go into a big meeting, by claiming that Lebron James could eventually be better than Jordan.

Pippen played for the Bulls during the first three peat, and was given the reigns to the Bulls after Jordan’s first retirement. During that time he established himself as one of the league’s top players but he didn’t win bupkiss.

Then Jordan came back and led the team to a second three peat. After he retired again, Pippen failed to win another title.

So if nothing else, you could call Pippen a tad ungrateful for his recent comments.

I will agree with you on that, but will take it a step further.

Not only is Pippen ungrateful, he is a second banana, a great number two who never had what it takes to do what Jordan did, and a world class ass clown.

Lebron couldn’t win on his own, so it’s understandable why Pippen feels a certain kinship to him, but unless that kinship is laced with Peyote, I don’t see how Pippen could justify his comments. The fact of the matter is that Jordan won 6 titles, changed the NBA, and made a subpar supporting cast into a winning machine. He also did all of that against top shelf competition who knew what was coming, and still couldn’t stop Jordan from scoring.

His game was the basketball equivalent of Mariano Rivera’s cut fastball. You could be told exactly what was coming, and still end up looking stupid.


Lebron is a mutant. He does things on a basketball court that no one else in the world can do. But he plays in a different league than Jordan did. In the NBA today you can’t breathe on a superstar of James’ caliber without hearing a whistle. It puts defenses in an almost impossible position. You can’t be physical with Lebron, yet he can barrel into you with his lightning quick 260lb frame and draw a foul.

When Jordan was destroying the NBA, it hadn’t gotten all nervous nelly about protecting its superstars yet. Though he can be credited with creating the rule, he didn’t get to enjoy the benefits as much as men like Lebron, Wade, and Kobe do now. Look at how the Pistons used to play Jordan. They were hand checking with both hands, pushing, pulling, and knocking him to the floor every time he went to the basket.

He scored anyway.

He won anyway.

If Jordan was in his prime, and you put him in the league today, he would average 75 points a game. It took Lebron joining forces with another top 3 superstar and an alien, in order to create the unstoppable force that was Michael Jeffrey Jordan.

Pippen substantiated his position by telling the world that he played the game, and the rest of us should go back to watching.

We did watch. We watched one man single handedly transform a team of has-beens and no names into champions.

Then we watched as Lebron quit on his team so he could join forces with Dwayne Wade.

And we will watch as Lebron attempts to take a step onto the front porch in order to get near the front door. If he gets up those steps, he can walk through the kitchen, out the back door, and into the backyard. michael-jordan-smoking-cig

There in a hammock reserved for the best ever, he will find that Jordan is laying comfortably, unbothered with a big fat cigar in his mouth.

On that day Lebron, can pull up the folding chair that many have tried to sit in. It lays on the ground right next to the hammock and says “Number 2”.

Until that day, someone please get Scottie Pippen to a tattoo artist so he can get his address, phone number, and kid’s names tattooed on him, like Guy Pierce did in Memento.

That way if the amnesia persists, he will still be able to find his way to Jordan’s house to cut the grass every Sunday.


FWG Interview: UCONN Catcher Doug Elliot

// May 26th, 2011 // 5 Comments » // Uncategorized

The Fat White Guy Network presents an exclusive interview with UConn Baseball Catcher Doug Elliot. Elliot took some time just a few hours before the Huskies take the field against Notre Dame in their first game of the Big East Championship tonight at Bright House Field in Clearwater, Florida.


FWG Intern Chris Hall: Doug, good to have you my man. I first have to ask, where did the nickname “Moose” come from?

Moose: Haha yea, it has become nickname after one of our announcers just gave it to me last year. It most likely comes from being one of the biggest guys on the team, and also having the typical blazing speed of a catcher.

C: How does it feel to grow up as the son of former Husky baseball standout Doug Elliot, and end up playing for the Huskies as their catcher 30 years later?

M:  It was always my dream growing up to be a Husky like my dad because I grew up going to the  games.  When I got to UConn, it was a really cool feeling catching on the same field that my dad caught years ago.  The best feeling was being able to take our Big East Championship photo with the alumni, including him, two weekends ago.

C: Double question, will Papa Elliot be in attendance at tonight’s game and what was his nickname?

M: Yes, Pops will be in attendance tonight. He will be roaming around the stadium, because he doesn’t like to sit in one place during the game due to nerves or superstition.  No animal nicknames for him, just the classic “Pops”.

C: What have you guys done as a team since your arrival in Florida besides practice for tonight’s game?  Clearwater Beach? Mini Golf? Concerts? Aggressive snuggling? All of the above? Don’t hold back…

M:  We did get a chance to check out Jason Aldean and Eric Church back in CT on our off day this past weekend but once we got to Florida it has been all business so far.  Our days have mostly consisted of team breakfasts and the UConn Baseball past time PBN’s or Post-Breakfast-Naps.  A few of us have been hitting up some of the lakes and streams around our resort for some bass fishing here.  Most of the guys bring down their gaming systems so plenty of Call of Duty and The Bigs has been played.

C: A lot of us saw the recent YouTube video of the Radford Baseball squad and their attempt at a rain show during a delay but does it compare to the original dance-off between UConn and South Florida back in 2009? Do you have a favorite routine and were you apart of any of the shenanigans that took place?

M: Hah! We always take pride whenever we see another copy rain delay video.  Ours was truly spontaneous and just epitomized the characters we had on that team.  No one had done a true dance off like that before. Sure, the new videos may be more creative, but the originals are always best.  I think my all time favorite has to be the upside down man routine.  Our ace of the upside down man has to be Dave Fischer who did it in the 2009 video.  Personally, I stick to coming up with the shenanigans because Moose don’t dance.

C: What are your favorite pre-game and post-game meals?

M: My favorite pre-game meal would be a traditional peanut butter and jelly. I don’t like to play on a full stomach so I like to just eat a light meal before getting to the field and then maybe an apple or orange before batting practice.  My favorite post game meal would have to be anything that is already cooked haha.  I’m pretty beat after most games and am lucky to have a great girlfriend who almost always has a meal when we get back from the games.  She cooks a great chicken cordon blue which would have to be my favorite.

C: What’s the clubhouse like? Is there a team comedian? Team mother?

M: Clubhouse is filled with characters.  We’ve got a bunch of personalities that make anything fun lead by a bunch of comedians including Hurval, Glynn and Vance.  No team mom but we’ve got a team grampa in Bob Van Woert whose pushing 30 years old(just kidding, only 24).  Every guy on our team has a unique characteristic that makes them fun in like our Techno boys(LJ, Zaccardo and Moore), team photographer(Vance) or our team meatheads (Andreoli and Pavone).

C: Have you guys done anything such as team building for this post season play? Play-off beards, hair-dye, mustaches, shaved heads, or is that played? One year my soccer team did bleach blond hair. We all looked like a bunch of Eminem’s out there.

M: We’ve done the beards and mustaches before and they haven’t brought any luck. We have even done Canadian Tuxedos for team meals but again no luck. This year were just going in to try and take care of business as the #1 seed.  As long as we play within ourselves and limit our mistakes we should be alright.

C: What has been your favorite play of the Huskies magical run in the 2011 season that you feel has defined the season for you guys? (if more than one, make a top 3?)

M: I think our season changing moment came against St. John’s. We came back and walked off against them with a pinch hit at bat from Tim Martin, and a game winning hit from LJ Mazzilli.  We had some struggles after that, but that weekend set the tone in the Big East after sweeping St John’s and starting 5-1 in the conference.

C: What do you think the key match-ups are for tonight?baseballbarnes_lg

M: Since all teams throw their top pitchers game one, its gotta be the starting pitcher match up tonight.  Our #1 and future first round draft pick, Matt Barnes, will be throwing for us against a very solid Brian Dupra out of Notre Dame.  We got to him in our regular season match up but he has been a top pitcher for four years in the Big East. Runs will be at a premium so we have to scratch a few early to get a lead and hold on.

C: What would a Big East Championship Tourney and birth to Omaha mean for this UConn Huskies baseball family and University?

M: Those would be unbelievable.  We always set our goals at the beginning of the year with both of those and a regular season title. We’ve got the first one already and our next goal is the Championship Title. Bob Van Woert and Greg Nappo and me have been to the Big East Championship three times, and reached the title game all three times. However, we lost all three.  This year seems like the year we finally get it.  Once, we take care of that we will hopefully set our sights on climbing the ranks to Omaha.

C: Who would win in a fight, a Husky or a drunk Irishman?

M: No question, a Husky without a doubt.


Special thanks to Doug “Moose” Elliot for taking time out to give us an inside look at UCONN Baseball and The Big East Championship.  Hopefully we will hear from again in the coming weeks as the Huskies make a run at Omaha.

Stuck in The Middle…With You

// May 24th, 2011 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized


In the Weekend Recap yesterday I tried to help the Oklahoma City Thunder help themselves.

They didn’t listen.

The Thunder scored 59 points in the first half, but managed only 46 in the second half and overtime. They ignored my suggestion of giving Eric Maynor more time at the point (he played 11 minutes), and were done in by not being able to run an effective offense down the stretch.  They were more stuck than The Beast in Ireland.

When you’re up against a player as hot as Dirk is right now you need to be able to score consistently. The guy is on an unbelievable tear and at some point you have to realize he is going to get his, and figure out how to get yours.

I’m not going to pile on the guy after what has to be one of the worst loses in his life, but Russell Westbrook taking 22 shots isn’t giving the Thunder their best chance to win. A point guard is supposed to facilitate the offense. He is not supposed to shoot 31.8% from the field and turn the ball over six times. Westbrook also had eight assists and eight rebounds, but compare his line with Jason Kidd’s; 17 points, 5 rebounds, 7 assists, and 4 steals and only 3 turnovers in 41 minutes.

Kidd only took 9 shots. In fact Dirk was the only Maverick player with 20+ shot attempts. Jason Terry attempted 19 but the guy is a gunner, and is coming off the bench to score points. He isn’t the one charged with running the offense and getting his teammates involved. Russell Westbrook is.

I’m not saying that Kidd is a better player at this point in his career, but if you put Kidd on the Thunder, and Westbrook on the Mavericks, this series would be 2-2 or 3-1 in favor of Oklahoma City.

If that was the case, I’m not sure Jim Carey would be any better than Scott Brooks at pulling Westbrook off the point in favor of JJ Barea, but Kevin Durant and James Harden would be averaging 30+ each with Kidd getting them the ball.

39790-jim_carey8950024-largeWhat you didn’t realize that Jim Carey was coaching the Dallas Mavericks? Step your game up.

A good point guard scores within the flow of the offense. He doesn’t bog the offense down by forcing his own shots.

As I said yesterday, Russell Westbrook is a great basketball player, but he is not the kind of point guard you need in order to win a championship.

Even at the age of 38, and playing in his 17th NBA season, it seems that Jason Kidd is.

And that’s why his team, and not Russell Westbrook’s, will be advancing to the NBA Finals.


The Weekend Recap: Achilles Heel Edition

// May 23rd, 2011 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

Normally in the Weekend Recap,I run down the weekend’s news from the sports world.

With the Celtics out of the NBA Playoffs, I’m rooting for the Oklahoma City Thunder.  So I have decided to dedicate this piece to helping OKC coach Scott Brooks beat the Mavericks.

The Oklahoma City Thunder have, in my opinion, the most complete team of anyone left in the playoffs.

Mavericks Thunder BasketballThey have an elite superstar who can score from anywhere on the court in Kevin Durant, a gifted athlete at the point in Russell Westbrook, two low post players who play with a mean streak in Serge Ibaka and Kendrick Perkins, a legitimate scoring option for their second unit in James Harden, defensive minded role players in Thabo Sefolosha, Daquan Cook, and Nick Collison, and a quality backup point guard who can run the offense, and score the ball in Eric Maynor.

Compare that with the Heat, who can really only go six or seven deep, a Bulls team that struggles to score points when their second unit is on the floor, and a Mavericks squad that is just as deep, if not deeper, but not as tough defensively.

Unfortunately the Thunder also have the biggest Achilles heel of any team in the playoffs, and he doubles as the gifted athlete running the point.

Russell Westbrook was benched in Game 2 for the entire fourth quarter because of erratic play. Or because he threw a temper tantrum and tried to show up his coach. Or because Eric Maynor was doing a better job of running the offense. Or because the Thunder are a better team when he isn’t the one responsible for the flow of the offense. Maybe it was all of the above.

Mavericks Thunder BasketballWestbrook played a great game in Game 3 on Saturday night, but it was one dimensional. It certainly wasn’t anywhere near the triple double he had against the Grizzlies in Game 7. He had 30 points, 2 rebounds, 4 assists, and 7 turnovers. In four of his last five playoff games he has had more turnovers than assists.

The Thunder have lost three of those four. Clearly having a point guard with more turnovers than assists isn’t good for anyone. But it’s even worse when that point guard has alpha dog delusions, and refuses to spread the ball around.

Derrick Rose is similarly afflicted, but he IS the best player on his team, he takes the ball straight to the rim, and creates scoring opportunities for his teammates. Westbrook dribbles around like is playing street ball, and all he cares about is crossing his man up before trying to stick a jumper in his grill. It causes his teammates to stand around, and is the reason that the Thunder often devolve into a isolation offense that is predictable and easy to stop.

Fortunately for the Thunder I have a solution.

When you go to war you need generals and soldiers. I would jump into a fox hole with Westbrook any day of the week. The guy is tough, and has a mean streak that rivals anyone in the NBA when he gets riled up. But would I hire him as a general, entrusting him to rally the troops and develop a winning strategy?

Hell no.melgibsonbraveheartphot

A good general doesn’t play into the strength’s of his opponent. He doesn’t charge in blindly, outnumbered five to one, without involving his soldiers in the attack. Most importantly, a good general knows how to get the most out of his men.

Is Russell Westbrook his team’s second best soldier? Absolutely.

But he isn’t the best general, and putting him in that position doesn’t give the Thunder their best chance to win the war.

In Game 4 tonight, they should put out a starting five of Perkins, Ibaka, Durant, Westbrook, and Maynor. You would get all the benefits of Westbrook’s athleticism and offensive ability, without trusting him to get his teammates involved.

Look how that lineup would match up against the Mavericks starting five. Perkins on Chandler. Ibaka on Dirk. Durant on Marion. Westbrook on Stevenson. Maynor on Kidd.

They could still get out and run, but that lineup would be more efficient in the half court. Maynor could focus solely on getting the team going offensively in order to avoid the slow start that killed them in Game 3.

When they go to a second unit you could rotate Westbrook and Maynor out for James Harden, Nate Robinson, who might actually be able to keep Barea out of the lane, and Daquan Cook, who can chase Jason Terry.

A crunch time lineup of Maynor, Westbrook, Harden, Durant, and Perkins, Collison, or Ibaka would be very hard to stop on the offensive end. You would have three guys who can create their own shot, AND someone who’s ego doesn’t force them to jack up jumpers, getting them the ball.

They may get exploited on defense but as we saw at the end of Game 3, this series will be decided by whoever is more effective on offense.

I think that Scott Brooks proved that he was a great coach by keeping his star PG on the bench in Game 2. It took a lot of balls but it was the right decision, and showed he really understands the dynamic if his team.

Now he needs to show that he can adapt on the fly.

If you’re general isn’t doing his job, you don’t give up and watch the men get slaughtered.

You take away his stripes, hand him a grenade launcher, and tell him to kill em all…and let the paramedics sort em out…


He’s Baaaaaacccckkkkkkkk….

// May 21st, 2011 // 6 Comments » // Uncategorized

I have once again brought in FWG Horse Racing “expert” Jonathan Crowley to weigh in on today’s Preakness.


Ok, let me just start by saying that once Uncle Mo was scratched in the Derby, everything changed.

I would’ve liked to have rewritten the whole article after this happened, but alas, I had to leave for vacation and I wasn’t even close to packed.  In fact, I was still packing up until the minute I walked out the door at 6am on Saturday morning.  And had I not been reprimanded for submitting an article that was three times as long as it should’ve been, I would have included that I read my girl the names of the 20 horses that were entered in the derby, and she said the only one that stuck out to her was Animal Kingdom…

Of course..

This is akin to the girl that knows nothing about College Basketball, but always wins the March Madness Pool.  That’s why most people have multiple brackets.  But I’ve moved on from those days, and now I like to stick all my eggs in one basket.  It’s why I got paid during March Madness in several pools.

Anyway I’m running out of words so let’s talk about the Preakness.

I know I set myself up to pick Dialed In.  I was supposed to come back fresh (and hence dialed in) from Greece and Cayman (I learned you’re not supposed to say ‘The’ Caymans. Just Cayman, although it sounds way cooler the other way).

But the thing is I’m not fresh.. I’m writing this at 5 am Greece time, I just opened my computer for the first time in 2 weeks, I threw up four times this morning in Athens, including my parting gift curbside at the Athens airport after the most nauseating cab ride of my life (gimme credit though because I saved my curtain call until we actually got to the airport and stepped out of the beautiful mercedes taxi that took us there).

To top it off I flew into Philly, and then took a disgusting amtrak up to New York only to deal with friday night traffic in the city. I know, what a poor sap.  I’m still trying to pretend I’m in Santorini.

Animal Kingdom. Nope, I never bet the chalk and the turn around time is gonna be tough for him.. Great horse though and he almost ruined my Cayman trip when he came out of nowhere and I was left wondering why I just didn’t follow the signs!!

Mucho Macho Man.  Now that Randy Macho Man Savage just died (RIP my friend) he’s obviously the trendy pick.  But that’s why I can’t bet him, as much as I’d like to pay homage to a great man.  Too much money is gonna be going his way because of this, and hence he’ll be over bet and probably go off at low odds.  Especially after the third place finish in the Derby.

Astrology.  I really wanna pick this horse.  What a name.  May sneak in for the exotics, but can’t see this guy producing amongst this field.

King Congie.  With all that’s surrounding this jockey Albarado (he being the one that was taken off the Derby winner the day before the race), it would be a storybook tale if he could pull this long shot through.  But I think the tale was written on Derby day when he raced on an undercard and won with the longest shot in the field. Sorry bro I hope you get a ride in next years Derby

Now my pick.  DANCE CITY.  What a name, and what a horse.  Lightly raced and could be super primed for this one.  Third time off a layoff, never finished out of the money and this jockey/trainer combo wins over a quarter of their races.  But most importantly I’m reading ‘Just Kids’ by Patti Smith and I’m at the part where Robert wants her to write songs that they can dance to.  A lot of the book centers around dancing and enjoying life in New York when artists were actually legit and really worked and lived and breathed their art.

dancecitypreaknesspreviewlyjbtkqmn_ulAlso Dance City was sired by a horse named City Zip.  Well when I was in Greece I asked my sister to find out a zip code online so I could send a postcard to the city.  What can I say, I follow the signs.

Selection:  8-11-9-10

P.S. She likes Astrology

—–Jonathan Crowley

NBA Mock Draft: Picks 1-10

// May 20th, 2011 // 7 Comments » // Uncategorized

With the NBA draft less than a month away, I will be posting a Mock draft every Friday afternoon.

Here are the first ten picks.  Enjoy!

1) Cleveland CavaliersLeBron Decision Ohio Basketball

At what point do we send FEMA in to help the good people of Cleveland? We need to at least call in the Good Samaritans right?

They “won” the first and the fourth picks, in the worst draft in decades. (Note: The quotes aren’t an indication that I believe the lottery was fixed. It merely reflects my opinion on how bad the class of 2011 is.) This is like getting your pick of all the girls in a strip club, with the caveat that you pick from those working on a Monday afternoon.

Pick: Kyrie Irving - PG Duke. Would free up Baron Davis to score more, assuming he doesn’t die challenging Eddy Curry to an eating contest.  The Cavs could go with Derrick Williams if they are sold on a backcourt of Baron Davis and Mo Williams, but since its the NBA, and not NBA Jamz, that seems unlikely.


2) Minnesota Timberwolves

Should the Timberwolves even get a pick after botching their last few drafts so badly?


In 2009 they selected Ricky Rubio and Johnny Flynn with the 5th and 6th picks. Both are PGs. If that wasn’t perplexing enough, look at the players they passed on; Stephen Curry, Brandon Jennings, Jrue Holiday, Ty Lawson, Jeff Teague, Eric Maynor, Darren Collison, and Toney Douglas. There are all, you guessed it, point guards. Curry and Jennings have turned into quality scorers, while Holiday, Lawson, Teague, Maynor, Collison, and Douglas all played for the point for playoff teams this year.

Last Year they turned three first round picks into two subpar small forwards.

Pick: Derrick Williams – F Arizona. Derrick Williams, and a few NBA insiders desperate to drum up some hype for the draft, have compared Derrick Williams to Blake Griffin. That is cuckoo crazy talk, but he is the second best prospect in the draft. I personally think the pick should be donated to charity to help all those affected by David Khan’s bad decision making.

3) Utah Jazz

They are moving in a different direction in Utah, so you have to think that they will start by taking a PG to replace Deron Williams. They got Derrick Favors and Devin Harris in the Williams trade. Harris is more of a score first point guard who would benefit from having someone else facilitate the offense.

Pick: Brandon Knight – PG Kentucky. Knight is similar in size and playing style to Harris but more of a natural point guard. Gives them a tall athletic backcourt to play around Al Jefferson.


4) Cleveland Cavaliers

You know what the Cavs need? A seven footer from Turkey!

Pick: Enes Kanter – C Turkey. Ordinarily I would be against this kind of pick in the top 4. However, there isn’t a sure fire NBA star in the draft, so why not draft some size, bring in a retired low post player, like the Magic did with Patrick Ewing, and give the Turk a shot at developing?


5) Toronto Raptors

The Raptors need rebounding help and they need to get tougher as a team. I think that Derrick Williams, with his inside out game, is a good fit for the way they run their offense but it’s doubtful he will be available.

Pick: Tristan Thomas – PF Texas. Putting Thomas in the front court, along with Ed Davis and Reggie Evans, will give the Raptors some presence down low. It will also free up Bargnani to play on the perimeter, where he is more effective.


6) Washington Wizards

Yikes. The Wizards roster is like a cautionary tale, with Rashard Lewis, Yi Jianlian, and Josh Howard. There are some good pieces there, most notably a back court of John Wall and Nick Young, but after that it gets bleak in a hurry. Javale McGhee and Andray Blatche would be the only other two players I would keep if I was the Wizards GM. I would also change them back to the Bullets, but that’s just me.

Pick: Kawhi Leonard – F San Diego State. Would make a good fifth piece in a starting five alongside Wall, Young, McGhee, and Blatche. He plays solid fundamental basketball, and would be able to get out and run with Wall.


7) Sacramento

I had started this with, “Anyone who think Kemba Walker should go here is a moron. They already have a score first point guard in Tyreke Evans, and Walker doesn’t fit at all.”

Well after a few minutes of thinking about it, I’m apparently a moron. Walker took an unheralded group of freshman and carried them to Big East and National Championships. He did it with scoring, but he also made the team better. His play created a team. That is exactly the kind of influence that the Kings need. Kemba won’t demand the ball, wont pout if he doesn’t score 30 a game, and he will have a solid impact on Evans and DeMarcus Cousins.

Pick: Kemba Walker – G UCONN. A starting five of Evans, Walker, Marcus Thornton, Cousins, and Samuel Dalembert, then bring in Garcia, Udrih, and Thompson with Walker running the point for the second team and they would score a ton of points. They wouldn’t be as solid defensively and would get exploited by guys like Lebron and Durant, but they remind me of Allen Iverson’s 76er team that made it to the finals.


8 - Detroit (8 with a ) next to it turns into an stupid emotiocon…grrr)

Not a lot of good things to say about a Pistons roster that has more holes than a Jim Tressel explanation of alleged violations. They have guys who can score the ball (Rodney Stuckey, Tayshawn Prince, and Ben Gordon), but have no one to distribute it, and no one to rebound it. Other than Stuckey, no one averaged more than 4 assists per game, and only Greg Monroe pulled in more than 7 rebounds a game.

The best possible starting five would be Stuckey and Gordon at the guards, Prince and Villanueva at the forwards, and Monroe at center. In an Eastern Conference that is won with hardnosed defense, that is a real soft starting five.

Pick: Trade this pick, Jason Maxiel, and your first pick in 2012, to the Lakers for Andrew Bynum. The guy may have proved he was a punk and a cheap shot artist, but he would bring immediate toughness to the front line. The Pistons don’t mind punks or cheap shot artists. Just ask Rick Mahorn, Bill Lambeer, Isiah Thomas, and Dennis Rodman. Now your starting five would be; Stuckey, Gordon, Prince (at the 3 where he is more effective), Monroe (an excellent passer for a big man), and Bynum. That’s at least good enough to make the playoffs in the East.

9) Charlotte

Pick: Jonas Valanciunas – C Lithuania. With Stephen Jackson, DJ Augustin, Boris Diaw, and Tyrus Thomas, the Bobcats have four good pieces. Adding a 6-11 240 pound center to those four and maybe you have something. There isn’t likely to be a more impactful addition in the draft available at this point and NBA exec’s love size.

10) Milwaukee

If Michael Redd resigns and can get back close to the form he showed before shredding his ACL, the Bucks have a solid nucleus. Redd, Brandon Jennings, and John Salmons would give defenses fits and would really thrive in an inside out game with Andrew Bogut. There are some good pieces on the bench as well; Corey Maggette, Drew Gooden, Luc Mbah a Moute, Chris Douglas-Roberts, and Ersan Ilyasova are all solid role players. The major hole is at the power forward position.

Pick: Jan Vesely – F Czech Republic.  Has the size and versatility to thrive in the Bucks offense.


Friday Morning’s Inspirational Message

// May 20th, 2011 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

In a world where most people don’t have a great job, or health insurance, or the ability to pay for their student loans, or know what food, that they are currently consuming, will eventually turn them into quasimodo, just remember….

Nothing is impossible.

Welcome to Port-O-John Island Mr. Fick

// May 19th, 2011 // 7 Comments » // Uncategorized


“If you’re going to … try to make me feel bad, you aren’t going to do it. It ain’t going to happen,”

That’s what Leroy Fick said in response to the outrage that, after winning $2 Million in a Michigan lottery, he is still collecting, and using government issued food stamps.

Due to a loophole in the lottery system, he is still eligible because the lump sum payment isn’t considered a part of his annual income.

Mr. Fick may be resolute in his stance that him feeling bad aint going to happen, but call me St. Jude because I’m going to try anyway.

Roughly 13 million children in this country are either hungry, or living in a situation with a high risk of experiencing hunger. Instead of allowing a few of those children the comfort that comes with a hot meal on their table each night, Mr. Fick’s 58 year old mouth, which resides in a brand new home, and drives a brand new used Audi, decided it needs that government cheese more.

Mr. Fick has claimed that he isn’t breaking any law, and called to ensure he could still use his food stamps after winning.

There are some states that allow you to marry your cousin. Does that make it right?

There are also some states where it is illegal to engage in oral sex, and others that prohibit getting a fish drunk.

So clearly just following the letter of the law does not guarantee a happy and just life.

If Mr. Fick doesn’t want to hear the argument that he’s taking money, and food, out of hungry children’s skinny little fingers, then maybe he will hear this.

There is an ass hole Mount Rushmore located on an island in the middle of the pacific. It is completed isolated, no other land mass for four hundred miles. The island is also known as Port-O-John Island because of how the humid climate affects the massive amount of bird shit that accumulates on it. The island is like the last rest stop for 60 miles on the bird highway, they all use it.

Already enshrined on Port-O-John island are; Donald Sterling, who refused to pay for cancer removing surgery for an employee, former head of the IMF Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who despite being in charge of all that international money, decided to rape a poor unsuspecting maid, instead of calling a hooker like a normal rich pervert would, and OJ Simpson, who played for the Buffalo Bills.

They have a fourth spot all dug out and waiting for Mr. Fick. So if he would like to condemn himself to a life of being stuck in the middle of the Pacific, smelling like a Bouse House on the third day of a hippie music festival, in August, then by all means, keep using those government issued food stamps. While he’s at it, he should club some baby seals, skin a handful of tiger cubs, burn down a few homeless shelters, and piss in the water supply of some impoverished African villages.

Like my dad always said, anything worth doing, is worth doing right.


Dear Baseball…Thanks.

// May 19th, 2011 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

Last week I attempted to rekindle my courtship of baseball.  It seems I got through and was rewarded with this….

There is something oddly satisfying about watching the New York Yankees scuffle, bitch, and throw each other under the bus on their way to a 3-7 record in their last ten games.

35 million dollar man Rafael Soriano, blamed the offense for the team’s recent struggles as he packed his 5.40 ERA for a trip to the disabled list. In case Soriano needs some reading material on the bus; The Yankees offense ranks 4th in runs, 1st in slugging %, and 5th in on base %. The pitching staff’s numbers are juuuussttt a bit outside the top ten.


In other Yankee news, the front office seems to be waging a very public and very petty war with veterans, Derek Jeter and Jorge Posada.

I remember being angry when the Red Sox front office cut ties with men like Kevin Milar, Pedro Martinez, Derek Lowe, and Johnny Damon. These men had been responsible for some of the greatest memories in my life, and then they were gone, cast out into free agency, returning to Fenway in a different uniform.

As a fan you are loyal to these men, and men like Jeter and Posada, because of what they have done for you. They have killed themselves for you over the years and those memories don’t have slumps.

The men in the front office have different loyalties. They are the ones responsible for putting a quality product on the field year after year for 162 games. They need to be loyal to the fans, not by keeping their favorite players around way past their primes, but by assembling a winning team. The reason that men like Milar, Martinez, Lowe, and Damon have such a special place in my heart is because they won the World Series.

For a kid who grew up on Cape Cod, that first World Series win since 1918 was a feeling that will never be duplicated. It earned those men a free pass for the rest of their lives.

The difference in what happened with the Red Sox, and what is happening with the Yankees now, is how the front office dealt with it. Theo Epstein cut ties with former players, explaining it was a matter of simple economics. The negotiations were personal to all those involved, but they never resorted to smear campaigns. It’s hard to argue with the results, since the Sox won again in 2007.

Yankees GM Brian Cashman has been antagonizing Jeter since the offseason. The comments were public, and they came across like a bratty teenager trying to become the most popular girl in the lunchroom by pointing her finger at the prom queen. The same, throw em under the bus treatment has been applied to Jorge Posada in recent weeks.

Think back to how David Ortiz started the season in 2009 and 2010. The man is a defensive liability who earns his paycheck solely with a bat in his hands, and he couldn’t get a hit to save his life. The fans were ruthless in calling for his head. But the front office never came out and publically challenged him. Epstein never questioned how Ortiz was spending his money, or his time, and he never said that Ortiz wasn’t really an important part of the offense anymore, so if he dies, he dies.


The Yankees have prided themselves on being a classy organization. The soap opera antics coming out of the Bronx are not only uncouth, they’re almost completely one sided. Jeter and Posada have, for the most part, refused to fire back.

Damn you Cashman!! You’ve made a Red Sox fan side with two men that I’ve spent years hating.

On the bright side, I just spent 600 words talking about problems in your organization, and I didn’t mention Alex Rodriguez once.