No Whammies..No Whammies..No Whammies..Stop!
// June 24th, 2011 // Uncategorized
Broken News: The 2011 NBA Draft was boring.
Wait a minute, that’s not broken. It’s actually true.
It’s not even news.
The only interesting thing about the draft last night was the swirling trade rumors, and the actual trades. If you don’t think that Steven Jackson ending up in Milwaukee, where he doesn’t want to play, isn’t an interesting sub plot to the 2012 NBA season then, well you don’t know Steven Jackson.
It is in the spirit of saving the NBA Draft from a NFL Pro Bowl type fate as an unwatchable sporting event that is more appealing in a twenty second highlight, where you don’t have to watch the whole thing, that I present my idea for the 2012 NBA draft.
Combine Let’s Make a Deal, Press Your Luck, The Prices Right, and Family Double Dare to create a game show out of the evening.
First, each NBA team would pick a number out of a non-biased, impossible to fix, hat. That way even the reigning NBA Champion would have a shot at pulling number one. Once the order was established the NBA’s executives would line up in front of a giant panel of other NBA executives and hear potential trade offers. Each team get’s one fifteen second pitch to propose a trade.
“The Boston Celtics offer you our starting center, our team chemistry, and any chance of winning a title this year. And all we want in exchange is one player who might end up being the third or fourth best player on a team that makes a run at the first round of the playoffs.” – Danny Ainge
“Done” – Any NBA executive
“Lebron James for Andrew Bynum, Lamar Odom, and you keep the Kardashians.” – Pat Riley’s offer to Jerry Buss.
“No thanks. We want to try and win one more title and that deal takes us further away from that. Plus, I want to beat the best, not play with them.” Kobe Bryan via satellite feed as the camera finds Lebron James sitting in the nosebleeds, in disguise.
Should two teams both make an offer on the same player, we go to a physical challenge where the executive teams battle it out with one team getting the right to stay in the bidding, and the other gets slimed.
Then the executive on the clock would have five minutes, during a commercial break, to weigh all the options. If none of the options appeal they can press their luck. They would throw three of their counter offers into a computer lottery, like Keno, and take their chances that they get one of those instead of the team’s actual offers. The stipulation being that you can also land on a whammy, and end up with Rashard Lewis, Gilbert Arenas, and the Kardashians sans Lamar Odom.
If your trade offer is accepted, you can still try and make a deal with other teams but would be unable to use the players you already traded. Think of the strategy involved. Not to mention the drama of everyone in the room offering a towel boy up when the Wizards are on the clock.
After each team has had a chance to play, there would be a nationwide vote on who the biggest winner and loser are. These two would go to a showcase show down, where each team’s executives put together silent contract offers to all the players on each team. The total amount cannot exceed the salary cap and at the end, the players say whether or not they would agree to the terms, and if he likes the team chemistry. However, the player wouldn’t know which team he is picking.
The team that builds the best hypothetical team ends up with that team for the next season.
I think I would watch that, and it wouldn’t take nearly as much convincing as getting me to watch a whole bunch of no name Euro’s lope across the stage to shake hands with a commissioner who seemed to thoroughly enjoy getting booed.
In other broken news, Ron Artest wants to legally change his name to Metta World Peace.
Wait, that’s true too!?
I give up.