Archive for July, 2011

The Real Repo Man

// July 28th, 2011 // 6 Comments » // Uncategorized


“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.” - Bill Belicheck

Ok, so Bill Belicheck wasn’t the one who coined the phrase, but after his latest fleecing, one has to wonder if anyone has a better grasp on the idiom than The Hoodie.

Albert Haynesworth was trash to the Washington Redskins.  He was an expensive, three hundred plus pound pile of garbage, that they couldn’t afford, and he was starting to stink up the entire house.  The problem was that there was so much festering in the trash, that they couldn’t find someone who didn’t mind getting their hands dirty to take it out for them.

Enter The Hoodie.

You know where a talented three hundred plus pile of trash is a treasure?  On a veteran team that has no tolerance for shenanigans, and a history for finding value in troubled players (Corey Dillon, Randy Moss).  The idea of lining Haynesworth up next to Vince Wilfork must have Belicheck salivating.  The guy is a cold blooded defensive genius, and will have no problem throwing Haynesworth back in the trash heap if he acts up.

Fuck you Jude Law, Belicheck is a real Repo Man.


Give Me Something To Believe In

// July 26th, 2011 // 72 Comments » // Uncategorized


I knew that what I was watching was born in some PR incubator. There was something sneaky and disingenuous about the set up; Jeff Saturday thanking one of the owners, then wrapping one of his giant arms around him to squeeze any remaining life out of the lockout. The ‘spontaneous’ display of public affection seemed all too familiar in a world where everyone who sleeps with hookers, kills dogs, does drugs, crashes his or her car, or is accused of sexual misconduct, appears in front of a bunch of cameras in some sappy image salvaging situation.

But despite the skepticism that runs rampant through my brain, I found myself believing it. What’s worse is that it managed to weave its way through the hardened layers of doubt and actually find a heart string or two.

The reason that this particular Hallmark moment, which was intended to erase any lingering animosity NFL fans had toward the owners and players, hit home?

It was, dare I say, genuine.

I realize that is practically a four letter word at this point, but watching a beaten down Robert Kraft, who had recently lost his wife Myra, collapse into Saturday’s chest didn’t trip my bull shit alarm. Instead I found myself forgetting about the lockout, and being reminded that even something as unredeemable as grown men bickering over bajillions of dollars, can demonstrate the good in people.

The embrace was awkward and clumsy, a sure sign that it wasn’t forced or staged. Had it been either it would have been easy to fake. But for men like these, a genuine display of emotion doesn’t come naturally.

Maybe my first reaction was right, and these emotions are exactly what the two sides had in mind.

But like a young kid with Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the hope that they won’t turn into their parents, until someone proves otherwise, I will believe.


Weekend Recap: The What Could Have Been? Edition

// July 25th, 2011 // 65 Comments » // Uncategorized


This past weekend might have been the last that we have to endure with no football. With the tragedy of no games this fall avoided, I’ve decided to look into the future to see what a Sunday without football would have done to the average American man.

Hope you enjoy the, What Could Have Been? Edition of the Weekend Recap.

9:00 am – Wake up Sunday to no text messages talking shit about the fact that you are starting Matt Hassleback in your fantasy football league. There are no reports of injuries flooding your inbox, so instead of jumping to the computer to adjust your starters, you have sex with your girlfriend.

9:04 am – Sheepishly roll out of bed and offer to go get your unsatisfied girlfriend some bagels.

9:45 am – Get back to your apartment, plop down on your coach, and turn on ESPN to engross yourself in three hours of pre game coverage, only to find that they are showing the National Cheerleading Competition, from 2009.

10:00 am – Try and coax your girlfriend back into bed, so you can use the ‘motivation’ that you got from watching seventeen year old girls jumping up and down.

10:02 am – Abandon the cause when you see that she is already looking in a Time Out New York to find something ‘fun and free’ for both of you to do today.

11:00 am – Back to the coach, and the cheerleaders, as you’re waiting for your girlfriend to finish getting ready so you can travel to the Botanical Gardens, Flea Market, or Art Museum.


11:03 am - You get scolded for entering the bathroom to see if she’s ready.

11:35 am – Leave the apartment in silence after getting into an argument about you not being excited to spend the day with her, staring at flowers, fleas, or paintings.

12:00 pm – Arrive at the Gardens, Market, ect. and find dozens of other men with the same hangdog expression, all walking a few steps behind their girlfriends, who all look just as angry as yours does.

12:45 pm – After sneaking off to the bathroom, you find a group of men huddled around a smart phone. They are watching Marshawn Lynch’s game clinching run against the Saints last year. You can hear the frenetic tone to the play by play and close your eyes. You don’t need to watch. Every cut, every stiff arm is engrained in your memory. As you wash your hands, you notice the guy next you wiping tears from his eyes. You make eye contact in the mirror, and nod grimly as you pat him gently on the shoulder.

1:30 pm – After lunch your girlfriend seems to be warming up to you. She is holding your hand, chatting happily away about azaleas, and even smiling on occasion.

1:35 pm – Girlfriend receives a phone call from a distressed friend, whose boyfriend decided to stay home and watch archived NFL games, instead of accompanying her to a matinee of the silent film she had been dying to see.

1:39 pm – Girlfriend explains that some guys are jerks and the friend should let her boyfriend know that his behavior is unacceptable. Then gets off the phone, complains about the male race as if there weren’t a card carrying member standing right there, and looks to you for an opinion.

1:41 pm – You realize that asking, “Well, what game was it?” was not the response she was looking for, and retake your place a few steps behind her as she stomps to the exit.

2:00 pm – Girlfriend is forced to repeat herself, twice, because you were trying to eavesdrop on a debate that the two guys next to you on the subway are waging over Adrian Peterson and Chris Johnson. Then you mistakenly say “Arian Foster” when she demands a response to her question.

2:30 pm – Girlfriend heads directly for her room and slams the door.

2:45 pm – You decide to give her some space and let her calm down. This is clearly the wrong decision as she texts as soon as you are outside wondering, where the hell you are going?

2:46 pm – It starts to rain, so you go back inside.

2:57 pm – You make your a girlfriend sandwich and bring it into the bedroom. She scowls at you over a copy of Elle Magazine until she realizes that you have brought a peace offering.


3:00 pm – Your peace offering had mayonnaise, which she hates, and this spurs an hour long argument about how you never listen to her.

4:01 pm – You’re caught looking at the clock.

4:03 pm – You’re cleaning up turkey, cheese, and mayonnaise off of the floor.

4:10 pm – You’re girlfriend finishes cleaning up because you can’t even do that right.

4:15 pm – You apologize.

4:16 pm – She accepts and you reconcile, twice.

5:30 pm – After a nap, you sneak out of bed and go to the store to buy food to make dinner.

6:45 pm – You sit down to eat. The apartment is the most peaceful it has been all day.

7:00 pm – Your girlfriend asks why you were so distracted today.

7:02 pm – After weighing a few potential options, you decide to tell her the truth.

“My brain is wired to think about football all the time. By spending an entire day, usually Sunday, absorbed in watching, analyzing, and bitching about the game, my brain gets emptied of all the excess football stuff that builds up in there over the week. If it doesn’t get a chance to get emptied, it gets clogged up. Think of it like an overflowing trash can. Things get stuffed in there until you can’t get a scrap of paper in their without it falling on the ground. That trash can is my brain, and Sunday is the day that it usually gets emptied. With the stupid cock gobbling lockout, there has been no one to take the trash out, so now things that would normally stay, like how you hate mayo, are ending up on the floor, instead of in the can where they belong.”

7:05 pm – She gets up from the table, and dumps her half eaten dinner in the trash. “So the things that I say, the things that are important to me, are like trash to you? That’s fucking great.”

7:06 pm – You realize that football, despite being blamed for distracting guys and making them act like morons, actually plays a critical role in keeping your relationship running smoothly. It’s like a mental oil change, and because of the lockout you are thousands of miles overdue.

11:00 pm – You wake up on the coach with your girlfriend’s dog licking your face. It’ll be the only action you’re getting tonight.

Thankfully the lockout is almost over, and this bleak, completely unrealistic  future, will never come to fruition.


A Truly Viral Story

// July 25th, 2011 // 106 Comments » // Uncategorized

brett-favre-traded-to-the-jetsBrett Favre is like a really bad case of genital herpes.

When you think that it has finally died down, and you’re going to be able to enjoy having sex with the really hot girl you’ve been dating for the last few months, it shows up and makes you feel embarrassed, insecure, and of course sexually frustrated.

Once it is there you spend a few weeks waiting it out, and as it begins to subside, you start to envision how fantastic it will be once it’s gone.

But, like Brett Favre, just when you think you can relax, and start to enjoy a universe where it doesn’t irritate your body and psyche on a daily basis, it comes roaring back.

Everyone has seen the commercials where people who suffer from genital herpes can live happy, normal lives with the help of some medication. Even managing to seem magnanimous about their plight.

It’s too bad there’s not a tube of Valtrex in the world big enough to get Brett Favre out of our lives long enough for us to smile and go for a bike ride.


You Can Quote Me on That: NCAAF Pre Season Top 25

// July 22nd, 2011 // 62 Comments » // Uncategorized

The College Football Season is almost here, and it is time to look at who has a chance to get screwed by a computer system in January.

The Top 12 will next friday.

25) Mississippi State.

The Bulldogs bitch slapped Michigan in the Gator Bowl, and return some of that offensive firepower this year. They return seven starters on offense, with the only key piece missing being OT Derrick Sherrod.There are a lot more questions on defense. Last year Manny Diaz led Miss State to the 21st ranked scoring defense in the country. But he is gone now. And so is standout DE Pernell McPhee. They do have seven of their starters back on defense and the new coordinator worked under Diaz last year, so maybe they will continue the roll they were on last year. We will know early on whether they are for real with games against Auburn, LSU, and Georgia in the first five weeks.

Key Early Season Matchup – Sept 10 at Auburn

“Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.” – Andy Dufresne

The Bulldogs have hope for the first time in a long time. It remains to be seen if they can crawl through 11 weeks of shit smelling foulness, in the form of top notch SEC opponents, and come out with a BCS berth on the other side.

24) Nebraska.


If Taylor Martinez can be as effective as he was last year, now that he won’t be taking anyone by surprise, Nebraska could contend for a Big Ten title. The offense fell apart down the stretch. Martinez lost his confidence and developed the shanks. Bo Pelini has to replace CB Price Amukamara and S Eric Hagg in the secondary in order to keep the Husker’s defense at the high level we have come to expect. Pelini is one if the best defensive minds in the country so I think he can get the most out of his team. They begin a tough first year schedule in the Big Ten with difficult, but winnable games against Chattanooga, Fresno State, Washington, and then at Wyoming. Ok so there’s nothing difficult about Chattanooga but the first four games will make or break the Huskers season. If they get rolling they could be dangerous, if they stumble going into Madison on October 1, put em in a body bag Johnny.

Key Early Season Matchup – Oct 1 at Wisconsin

“Sweep the Leg!” – Kreese

Taylor Martinez is the leg, without him the Cornhuskers are in trouble.

23) Arizona State.

The Sun Devils have a talented roster, led by LB Vontaze Burfict and QB Brock Osweiler, but their presence here is more about a lack of depth in the Pac 12 South, which is like the NFC West. They should get to 9 wins easily. Utah and USC are likely their biggest competition and neither are as strong as they’ve been in the past.

Key Early Season Matchup – Sept 9 Missouri

“Sometimes it’s a hard world for small things.” – H.I. McDunnough

ASU is a small thing trying to make it back unto the big stage. It ain’t gonna be easy.

22) Missouri.

The Tigers return ten starters on offense. Unfortunately number eleven was NFL bound QB Blaine Gabbert. There will be a serious QB competition in the summer between Blaine’s younger brother Tyler Gabbert, James Franklin, and Ashton Glaser. If none of them emerge, freshman Corbin Berkstresser could get a shot. Missouri returns the core of its offensive line as well as weapons at WR and TE. The defense lost some major talent and will need to come together quick with a September 9th trip to Arizona State. I think that the Tiger have talent but will be hard pressed to stay in the Top 25.

Key Early Season Matchup – Sept 9 at Arizona State

“Good from far, but far from good.” – Urban Dictionary

On paper the Tigers seem talented, but once the season gets started I see them getting shredded.

21) Florida.

Urban Meyer left Will Muschamp a garage full of talent. Now it is up to the former defensive coordinator to make it run. Bringing in Charlie Weiss to run the offense was a brilliant move for the first time head coach, who is now free to focus on improving the defense. Weiss, although woefully inept as a head coach, is an offensive genius and knows how to work with a QB. I mean, the guy made Brady Quinn look good. If they can get solid QB play from John Brantley, this rebuilding year could have an SEC Title run in it. The test will come in a three week stretch where the Gators play Alabama, then travel to LSU and Auburn.

Key Early Season Matchup – Sept 17 Tennessee

20) Virginia Tech.

The good news for the Hokies is that they have Frank Beamer, one of the best coaches in the country at rebuilding year after year. They also have four returning starters on the offensive line. Now the bad news.They lost their entire backfield when Tyrod Taylor, Ryan Williams, and Darren Evans declared for the NFL draft. The schedule is favorable and if Beamer can find a replacement for Taylor the Hokies could make another run at the ACC Title. They will need to avoid the slip ups that cost them early on in 2010, especially on the road against a dangerous ECU team.

Key Early Season Matchup – Sept 10 at East Carolina

Up men to your posts! Don’t forget today that you are from old Virginia.” – George Pickett.

The Hokies will need to heed these words in order to overcome losing so many key players.

19) Texas.

Mack Brown handed the reins to his offense and defense over to new coordinators this year. Many Diaz will take over the defense, while Bryan Harshin will attempt to bring some of that blue field magic from Boise to Texas. If I was a Longhorn fan I would be excited about having two of the hottest young coordinators in the country calling the shots. Texas has serious talent, as always, on both sides of the ball. However I’m more than a little concerned about the offensive line’s ability to protect the QB, as well as a head coach who doesn’t have the self confidence to turn the ship around himself. If Texas can’t turn things around this year, the only thing Mack Brown will be entitled to is a bus ticket out of town. A soft early season schedule could help the Longhorns build momentum going into the Red River Shootout on October 8th.


Key Early Season Matchup – Sept 17 at UCLA.

“Texas is neither southern nor western. Texas is Texas.” – Sen. William Blakely

After last year, Texas needs to prove that Texas isn’t mediocre.

18) Georgia.

After finishing with a 6-7 record in 2010, the Bulldogs look to rebound in 2011. They have a top recruiting class led by RB Isiah Crowell who should get a chance to start as a freshman, and QB Aaron Murray proved to be an efficient passer last year. The offense will miss WR AJ Green, but with four starters back on the offensive line, it should be much improved. The signing of DT Jonathan Jenkins should help improve a 3-4 defense that struggled last year. Opening the year against Boise State and South Carolina will be a trial by fire for the ‘Dawgs. Don’t get excited over there Mike Vick, that’s a metaphorical fire, not the painful tortuous kind you were fond of.

Key Early Season Matchup – Sept 3 Boise State (at Georgia Dome)

“Be cocky. Walk into the Georgia Dome like you own it.” – Mary Lou Retton

The Bulldogs will need to bring that kind of swagger into the season opener in order to get 2011 off to a good start against a talented Boise State team.

17) Auburn.

They fielded the Number 3 recruiting class in the off season but there are major holes along the offensive line. In addition to the three starters on the OL, they lost Heisman Trophy winner Cam Newton and DT Nick Fairley. With no clear cut favorite at QB between Barrett Trotter and freshman Kiehl Frazier, look for Michael Dyer to do a lot of heavy lifting for the Tiger offense. I expect Auburn to struggle this year, especially with road games at South Carolina, Arkansas, and LSU, but they should be right back in the National Title hunt for 2012.

Key Early Season Matchup – Sept 10 Mississippi State

“No Cam, No Nick, some problems…”

The Tigers are bound to experience a letdown after last year’s storybook season. The question is how far they fall.

16) Michigan State.

kirk_cousinsThe Spartans will be able to run the ball against anyone with RBs Edwin Baker and Le’Veon Bell, who combined for over 1800 yds last year. QB Kirk Cousins returns as well, providing a stable presence in the huddle. There are big questions on defense though, with the loss of LBs Greg Jones and Eric Gordon.Michigan State may have a hard time containing the big physical offensive lines they will see every week in the Big Ten. They have creampuffs scheduled for three of the first four weeks, the one exception being a September 17th trip South Bend, so they could get off to a fast start like they did last year.

Key Early Season Matchup – Sept 17 at Notre Dame

The world will know that free men stood against a tyrant, that few stood against many, and before this battle was over, even a god-king can bleed.” Ok so that’s a bit dramatic but these Spartans will look to stand tall against perennial Big Ten Tyrants Ohio State, Michigan, and Wisconsin.

15) TCU.

Coach Gary Patterson has built a perennial power house at TCU by always having a Top 10 defense. This year that will be tested, as the offense will have some major holes to fill. New QB Casey Pachall will try and replace Andy Dalton, and will need major help from talented RB Ed Wesley. The schedule is weak which might mean a lot of wins, but not a lot of respect from the BCS.

Key Early Season Matchup – Eh. The Horned Frogs have a pretty easy go of it until they travel to the blue field to take on Boise State on November 12th.

“Dance with who brought ya.”

TCU relies on its defense, and will have to do so more heavily with the offense in a transition year.

14) South Carolina.

Losing Stephen Garcia could be addition by subtraction. The kid was a screw up and although The Program was filmed at Williams Bryce, the Gamecocks don’t need a booze bag doing his best Joe Kane impersonation in the huddle. Steve Spurrier has his most talented team in his tenure at South Carolina, led by stud RB Marcus Lattimore. QB Connor Shaw, the likely candidate to replace Garcia, will have uber-talented WR Alshon Jeffrey to throw to. Adding Number 1 ranked recruit JeDeavon Clowney at DE will give the Gamecocks a serious pass rush.The true test will come in a rough four week stretch beginning October 15th, when they will travel to Mississippi State, Tennessee and Arkansas. With a weakened SEC East, this could be a special year in Columbia.


Key Early Season Matchup – Sept 10 at Georgia

“Happiness is a north bound Yankee.” – Bumper Sticker

I have seen firsthand, the passion the people of South Carolina have for all things southern, and it’s admirable, no matter how misguided it may be. I am hoping my alma mater can live up to their potential this year so I can do some serious hooting and a’hollering.

13) Notre Dame. Brian Kelly has built a solid offense in just two years at Notre Dame. He will hope to get QB back Dayne Crist back healthy in 2011 and was delighted that Malcolm Floyd decided to forego the NFL, until the star WR got busted for DUI. The offensive line should be improved and the Irish return 17 starters from last year’s team that won their last four games. If the Irish can navigate a brutal schedule, with road games at Michigan, Pitt, Stanford, and home games against USC, Michigan State, Maryland, and BC, South Bend could be rocking again come Bowl Season.

Key Early Season Matchup – Sept 10 at Michigan

“When anyone asks me about the Irish character, I say look at the trees. Maimed, stark and misshapen, but ferociously tenacious.” - Edna O’Brien

The Golden Domers will need that tenacity if they want to climb back into relevance.

Check next friday for the Top 12!


Say Goodnight To The Good Guy

// July 21st, 2011 // 17 Comments » // Uncategorized

tiger-woods-weeds-us-open-golf_t620Could irony be defined as someone blowing up his life, his public image, and his golf game because he was habitually cheating on his wife, and then firing his barrel chested buffer and closest friend because the friend was cheating on him?

It was announced yesterday that Tiger Woods had fired long time caddy Steve Williams. The announcement was merely a formality as Woods had actually told Williams of the decision a few weeks ago, but the two decided to wait until after the British Open. Williams, out of work while his employer is on the mend, requested that he be allowed to carry Adam Scott’s bag during The Open Championship. Woods and his camp denied the request. The stout New Zealander did it anyway.

You think Tiger Woods asked Elin Nordgren’s permission before he went out and tried every possible combination dish at the local Applebees?

Probably not, but the denial was implied by the wedding ring on her finger.

Both men wanted to go their own way. Woods had to know that eventually his actions were going to cost him his marriage, but Williams didn’t expect that after all he had done to protect Tiger over the years that his infidelity would cost him his job.

He seemed genuinely hurt by the dismissal.

Tiger Woods has watched as everyone has jumped off his ship; his wife, his sponsors, golf fans, and now his health. Maybe he figured that he would beat Williams to the punch, and firing him was his Groucho Marx moment.

Ten years ago, Tiger would have been overwhelmed with men clawing their way over one another like it was Black Friday at Wal-Mart and he was a flat screen, for a chance to carry his bag. In those ten years that bag has become heavy, and no one, aside from a good friend, is likely to jump at the chance to loop that extra weight on their shoulders.

Instead of going through a very public search for a new caddy, which is going to result in him trying to lure someone away from another golfer, and more damage to his reputation, I have a solution for Tiger Woods.


Hire a local pimp.

You need constant female attention, and getting married again is going to be a bit tricky given your, how to put this politely…history. A pimp would be able to satisfy that, and it would draw a huge portion of the media spot light just far enough off of Woods that he could start focusing on playing golf again. Can’t you just see the headlines now?

Tiger’s Pimp cuts Rory McIlroy in line for the buffet

Phil Mickelson shaken down by Tiger’s Pimp.

Tiger’s Pimp helps him put the ball in the hole again.

Tiger longer than ever with help from his Pimp.

It would be the kind of polarizing media circus that he needs in order to step all the way over to the dark side. The dark side can give a man dangerous powers, but there are always consequences. For Tiger, what’s left to lose? Sell your soul, become a bad guy, and get back to chasing down the Golden Bear. Think about how much fun it was to root against (he who shall not be named on this page) and the Miami Heat?

Now imagine the joy it would give you to see Tiger Woods and his Pimp compete, then fall just short to Mickelson, McIlroy, or someone like Darren Clarke!

Everyone loves Will Smith, or at least lots of people love to pay money to see his movies. In I am Legend, Smith could have saved a bad movie by turning into Jack Nicholson from the shining. If he had embraced being a detestable lunatic, totally justified given his character’s plight, it would have completely turned the movie around. Instead he Fresh Princed his way through, like he always does, and never risked being perceived in a negative light.

Today, Woods’ career is turning into a crappy movie, and it’s time for him to embrace the dark side.

He has spent so much time pretending to be someone he is not. Now that there is no one left in his corner, he can finally say goodnight to the good guy, and say hello to the bad guy.


Buccos are Selling Hope…And I’m Buying

// July 19th, 2011 // 68 Comments » // Uncategorized

imageaxd_2I don’t know if anyone out there remembers when the Pittsburgh Pirates were good, but I do.

It was 1992, and I was 10 years old.

They had Bobby Bonilla, Andy Van Slyke, Doug Drabek, Mike LaValliere (who went on to star as a dwarf in the Lord of the Rings Trilogy), Tim Wakefield, Lloyd McClendon, Jay Bell, a Human Barry Bonds, and Jim Leyland as the manager. Anyone who was collecting baseball cards back then knew all of those guys.

Now, 19 years later, the Pirates are back atop their division. I may not recognize anyone on the Pirates roster if they cut me in line at The Old Country Buffet, but seeing this rag tag bunch ahead of more talented squads out of Cincinnati, St. Louis, and that fountain of underachievement in Chicago, so late in the season, fills me with hope.

No one on the Pirates makes more than six million dollars a year. Compare that with the Yankees who have ten players making over eight million dollars a year, or the Reds, whose first and second baseman’s salaries would make up more than fifty five percent of the Pirates total payroll. Both teams are in second place.

If the Pirates can compete with some dollar store talent, then I should be able to find a way to become successful with an anemic bank account and some bulky student loans, right?

They are selling hope out there in Pittsburgh, and until it October comes around, when the Pirates could stand between the Red Sox and another World Series Ring, I’m buying.

Tonight, as they take on the Reds, we can all look at the Pirates as something other than an exercise in futility.

With only a half game lead, they may be in second place by the time we all wake up tomorrow, so let’s bask in it while we can.


Weekend Recap: The Record Breaking Edition

// July 18th, 2011 // 112 Comments » // Uncategorized

wwcupfinals37pg-verticalThe Women’s World Cup Final between the United States and Japan was the biggest sporting event in history.

The history of Twitter that is.

The game, which was exciting enough for me to pay attention for about seventy five more minutes than I had previously spent watching women’s sports, drew 7,196 tweets per second. I didn’t send out a single tweet, and now I feel sad that I missed out on the chance to be a part of history. World Cup’s come around every four years, but to be a part of something really special, like the most people to arbitrarily share one hundred and forty characters worth of their thoughts during one event?

That’s a once in a life time opportunity.


Jimmie Johnson called out his pit crew after Sunday’s Nascar race.

Really Jimmie? The guys that make sure your wheels don’t fall off at a hundred fifty miles an hour, give you the right kind of fuel so your car doesn’t explode, and who basically hold your life in their hands? Your life is in their hands dude!

Probably not the best life decision.

You don’t tell your employees they suck at their job until you are sure that you have someone else on deck who can do it better.

Would you tell your wife that she was awful in bed, a terrible cook, mean to puppies, and a general bore to be around if you were planning on needing her to help you next weekend?

Feminists didn’t like that last line did they? Assuming that it implies wives are somehow employees of their husbands aren’t they? Well is there anyone an astronaut counts on more than the guys at mission control? Any one he has to trust more in order to succeed?

Do you think an astronaut would be calling out the guys in mission control before blasting off?

The point is that you need to be able to count on your pit crew, your wife, and if you happen to be an astronaut, like my mother, the guys in mission control.

I would buy everyone a tall boy of Budweiser and try to smooth things over before next weekend. People have accidents all the time Jimmie. All the time.


dwight-howardDwight Howard said a few months ago that he wanted to chart his own course to NBA greatness, he didn’t want to follow Shaq, Lebron, or anyone else. Howard implored the people of Orlando to get behind his cause and turn the Magic into a championship caliber team.

I admired the sentiment, but questioned the truth behind that statement. We have all heard players (he who shall not be named on this page, for example), utter similar statements, pledging their allegiance to a team and a city.

After Howard said he was considering playing in China next year if the lockout affects the regular season, which it is going to, I realize that he meant it.

No NBA player has ever built his team into a championship contender by playing in China, so Howard truly is blazing a trail. I’m just not sure how the people he was rallying to follow him in Orlando are going to feel about traveling overseas.


d86a1f_phil71811Congratulations to Darren Clarke on winning the Open Championship. He seems like one of the most genuine, down to earth guys on tour, and he survived some bizarre conditions, as well as a Sunday charge by Phil Mickelson to capture the Claret Jug.

That reminds me, congratulations to Mickelson for being exactly who we thought he used to be.

I could go on and on about Lefty but my girlfriend put it best. “I used to like him. But he’s like the (Buffalo) Bills, and I only had room for one loser.”


We have officially reached the slow time in sports where ESPN starts running the sappy My Wish segments on Sportscenter.

They almost always feature some diseased youngster who is dealing with unimaginable hardships, but just wants to meet his favorite athlete. Right now, Landon Donovan is inviting a ginger who beat a rare form of cancer to come play soccer, its heart wrenching.

Unless you want to start your week sobbing into your Honey Nut Cheerios, change the channel, hit mute, or leave the room.

You’ve been warned.