Weekend Recap: The Vacation Edition

// July 7th, 2011 // Uncategorized

The NBA and NFL are currently on vacation. I’m extremely petty and don’t like anyone to do anything that I’m not, so I headed to Cape Cod for the 4th of July.

While most of you had to be back to work on Tuesday or Wednesday, I finagled almost a week off. Before you close the window and start wishing harm upon my vital organs, I have to work Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday to make up for it. But in the spirit of embracing a few extra days of sun, golf, and free dinner at my parent’s house, I present a Vacation Edition of the Weekend Recap.

Yea, I know its Thursday morning, but they don’t have Internet access on the golf course, or at the beach. So, much like ugly people who have to develop winning personalities, I’m trying to work with what I got.


Novak Djokovic brought out the powder to bitch slap Raphael Nadal on Sunday on the way to his first Wimbledon title. Much like those crabby Frenchmen, the old guard at Wimbledon show the Men’s final at an ungodly hour on Sunday morning, so I didn’t watch.

I did watch the Nadal/Murray match and realized two things. When he is at his best, I don’t know if there’s a human alive who can hang with Nadal. The guy is a mutant. I know people will argue that Federer is the better player, and fine maybe he is Tennis’ Michael Jordan. But Nadal is capable of having his own version of the “shoulder shrug” game, where even he is in awe of how good he is. During the Murray match he hit a shot, realized how ridiculous it was, and apologized for it. No matter who you’re rooting for, or if you even care about tennis, watching someone so good that it baffles them, and compels them to apologize for it, is a lot of fun.

The other thing I learned is that Andy Murray is perhaps the biggest mental midget in all of sports. I felt a little bad for him while John McEnroe was attacking his manhood during the match, but by the end I had tired of his routine. He bricked easy shots, pretended to be hurt three hundred and six times, and seemed to waste more energy scowling at his trainer than he did trying to win the match. Murray has serious talent. Too bad he has the emotional stability of a two year old.

Congrats to Djokovic. He seems like a solid guy, is one hell of a dancer, and finally stepped up his game to join Federer and Nadal at the top of the mountain. There is nothing better than three guys at the top of their games, trying to beat each other. It’s what made the NBA so great in 2011. There were a handful of really good teams who all had a grudge to settle.

After his meltdown, I guess that makes Andy Murray the Lakers?


tigerwoodsThe news came out today that Tiger Woods will skip from The British Open.

I for one am not surprised.

There are no Hooters, Applebee’s, or T.G.I. Fridays in Sandwich, England, which means there aren’t going to be any cocktail waitresses who are rich in boobs and poor in self esteem.

It’s been a while since I’ve taken a shot at Eldrick, but it seems clear that the man needs a never ending stream of tail in order to get his mojo back.

Come on Tiger. Start banging broads again. Everyone, including all of your peers, is ready to love Rory McIlroy. We may have to hate you for it in public, but inside, in places we won’t talk about at dinner parties, we will love to have you out on that course, pumping your fist again.

We need you out there, and don’t worry, we can handle the truth.


kobayashi_195Joey Chestnutt won the annual 4th of July Hot Dog Eating Contest at Nathan’s by noshing on a disgustingly impressive 62 hot dogs.

The real story of the contest, for me any way, was Chestnutt’s chief rival Takeru Kobayashi. You may remember Kobayashi as Kaiser Soze’s lawyer, but to me he was competitive eating’s first star. It appears that unlike me, Major League Eating has a short memory.

The governing body that controls Nathan’s contest is beefing with Kobayashi over a contract, and he tried to compete in the competition from a satellite location. Kobayashi claims he ate 69 hot dogs in the same ten minute span. The number doesn’t count because it wasn’t part of the official competition.

I’m starting a petition to host a showdown between Kobayashi and Chestnutt in Manhattan. The Fat White Guy Network would sponsor the event, and we would see once and for all, who can cram the most wieners down their throat.

Before I’m inundated with applications from the morally ambiguous, this will be a closed competition. A mano y mano competiton, because we need…no…we deserve to know who the best is.


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