Monday Morning Links: Hangover Edition

// February 8th, 2010 // No Comments » // Minnesota, Uncategorized

No, I’m not hung over (me…well, I never touch the stuff) but I’ll tell you who is: Colts fans. And who isn’t, Bills Fans, cause come playoff time we have nothing to do. Sure I watched the game yesterday, but I’ll leave the analysis to the guys over at FWG-NFL. But since football season is now officially over, here’s some links to get you through your day.

Super Bowl Commercials really didn’t do it for me. You can find the complete compilation of them here. My knee jerk reaction? There was a lot of man-meat on the screen all night.

No homo.

Troy Polamalu, with all that beautiful hair had one of the best of the day. Side note: That is his most manageable size.

2010 Senior Bowl Players To Watch (Yes Tim Tebow Is On There)

// January 29th, 2010 // No Comments » // Justice, Minnesota, Rob Lunn, Uncategorized

You should watch this year’s senior bowl for several reasons. Not only is it a precursor to the combine and draft, but it is also infinitely more entertaining than the Pro Bowl. Sure, its an All Star game, but these guys actually have something to prove, which makes them very dangerous people. So here are my players to watch.

QB - Tim Tebow, Florida Gators - Tebow is probably the prospect that everyone is watching. He had an outstanding career at Florida but has a ton of questions to answer as an NFL prospect. Can he play under center? (probably not) Can he make drop backs second nature? Can he fix his extremely long release? (that’s what she said)

WR - Danario Alexander, Missouri Tigers - Great Size (6′5, 221 lbs.) Went under the radar at Missouri. His speed is the big question mark. There are a lot of good receivers in this draft but many are small guys with blazing speed. He is a different type of WR.

RB/WR - Dexter McCluster, Ole Miss Rebels - Kid can fly. I mean not literally, but pretty close. Many people will question his size (5′8, 165 lbs.) but the NFL is built for speed, not comfort (like Dr. Quinn’s boobs) Current examples in the NFL include DeSean Jackson, Darren Sproles, and Percy Harvin. His stock is sky rocketing and I’m going on the record saying he’ll be a 2^nd round pick.

DT - Terrence Cody, Alabama Crimson Tide - I just wrote him in because rarely do you get to watch guys close to 400 lbs play football. He weighed in at 370 lbs. An absolute monster in the middle. Cody says he will drop 20 lbs. before the combine but for how big he is, he is athletic and can move. He clogs up the middle and will allow LBs to run free through holes to make stops in the back field.

S - Taylor Mays, USC Trojans - At 6′3, 231 lbs, Taylor Mays is like a LB playing safety. He is an absolute freak athlete. He runs very well and is a student of the game. He struggles in the play action passing game and some scouts question his football instincts. He had a down year at USC and it will hurt his draft stock a little. Sometimes Mays takes bad angles to the ball. There has been talk that Mays will move to LB in the NFL.

NFL Wild Card Weekend Part Two

// January 8th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Minnesota, Uncategorized

Jay Says….

Wild Card Weekend – The “Weekend of Rematches”

New York Jets at Cincinnati Bengals, Saturday (1/9/10) 4:30

The Jets and Bengals meet again for the second time in two weeks but this time in Cincinnati. There are a few keys to this game. Right now, the Jets have a recipe for success. They run the ball very well and play good, aggressive defense. In my opinion they have the best corner in the NFL, that being Darrelle Revis. Last week he held Chad Ochocinco to ZERO catches. It was the first time since 2003 that Ochocinco failed to catch a pass in a game. Revis has been solid all season shutting down the best WR’s in the league. Better news for the Jets is that David Harris, there leading tackler, returned to practice Thursday after missing a few days with an ankle injury. The Jets also have the best offensive line in football. With Nick Mangold and Alan Faneca leading the way (both heading to the Pro Bowl) Thomas Jones should have a big day. They are number 1 in the league allowing only 172.2 yards per game. One big question is how will rookie signal caller Mark Sanchez play? At times this year it looked like he was playing for the other team throwing 20 interceptions. I think if you’re the Jets’ coaching staff you don’t let Sanchez throw more than 18-20 times. I liked the mix they had last week with former Mizzou QB turned Mr. Everything Brad Smith taking some snaps under center. He is very good with the ball in his hands and can help the Jets offense. A steady dose of Thomas Jones and rookie backup Shonn Greene behind that great offensive line should take the Jets to victory. The Bengals had a great year but many times I felt like they played to the level of their competition. They lacked consistency and that is never a good sign for a NFL team. The Bengals will have Cedric Benson back this week as he sat out last Sunday’s matchup. The weather is supposed to be lousy with snow in the forecast and that sets up perfectly for the Jets. If Sanchez can hold onto the ball and limit himself to MAX one turnover, I think they Jets will ride that offensive line to the winner’s circle. J-E-T-S. Jets Jets Jets, 20-16.

Baltimore Ravens at New England Patriots, Sunday (1/10/10) 1:00 pm

This is the only game of Wild Card weekend that isn’t a rematch from last week however these two teams did meet earlier in the year at Foxboro with the Pats holding on for the win, 27-21. The big story coming in, probably the biggest story in the NFL right now, is that Wes Welker will not play for the rest of the season with a torn MCL and ACL. A lot of people are saying that they should have rested their starters like the Colts did but Welker’s knee injury was a non-contact injury. It is very unfortunate but it could have happened in practice. I like that the Pats always play to win. Enter Julian Edelman, a former college QB at Kent State. Now don’t get me wrong, Wes Welker is one of the best WR in the NFL but Edelman will fit in just fine. Lets remember 2 things. 1. They still have Tom Brady. 2. In the 3 games that Edelman played and Welker didn’t (the two at the start of the season and last weeks game) Edelman had 21 catches for 221 yards receiving (last week he had 10 catches for 103 yards). Once again, I want to reiterate, Julian Edelman does NOT equal Wes Welker but with Tom Brady behind center, the Pats should still be very successful on the offensive side of the ball. For the Ravens, Ed Reed, their star safety, will be playing for the second time in 6 weeks and still won’t be 100%. He played a little last week, splitting time with Tom Zbikowski. I think the Ravens are hurt more without Ed Reed than the Pats are without Welker. The Ravens will need to rely heavily on Ray Rice. He does it all for the Baltimore offense but there is just something about Bill Belichick and the Pats at home. In a close game I like Brady and the hoody to come away with the win. They have won their last 8 and haven’t lost a home playoff game since 1996. I’m going with the Pats at home, 21-20.

Green Bay Packers at Arizona Cardinals, Sunday (1/10/10) 4:40 pm

Another rematch from a game last week. I like the Packers to win again. Aaron Rodgers is playing as well as any QB in the league right now. His last three games he has had a QB rating over 100 and has thrown 5 TD passes and 0 interceptions. On the season Rodgers has thrown for close to 4,500 yards. He is an absolute star in the making and I think the Packers are one of the most dangerous teams in the playoffs. Also, their defense has been solid all year ranking 2^nd in total defense with 284.4 yards per game and 1^st in rushing defense with only 83.3 yards per game. Arizona has a dynamic offense but at times have been stagnant. The big question will be if Anquan Boldin can play. He hurt his knee/ankle in last Sunday’s game and without him the already talented Green Bay Secondary can pay more attention to All-World Receiver Larry Fitzgerald. The Cards also saw DE Calais Campbell break his thumb and talented CB Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie go down with a bruised left knee. I also like the Packers ability to run the ball better than Arizona. Beanie Wells and Tim Hightower have had a tough time holding onto the ball this year fumbling a combined 9 times. On the other hand Packers RB Ryan Grant has not fumbled all year (sorry Ryan, I know I just jinxed you). So with having a better defense and a better running game I am going to pick Green Bay. I like the Pack 31-27.

Why, When Choosing Between Boxer-Briefs And Medicated Powder, You Should Always Choose The Former

// December 3rd, 2009 // No Comments » // Minnesota, Uncategorized

Gold Bond Is The Breath Mint For Your Balls

I woke up to this reader e-mail today. Yes, I woke up @ 10:30. He shall remain decidedly anonymous.

Subj: FML for FWG

I’m low on laundry, at the bottom of the boxer drawer is the boxer briefs, those are for special occasions, tight pants, or im out of everything else. Briefs get a flag for encroachment so I opt for the extra pow pow pat to the balls in the am. Crowd control is all planning gents.

I pounded water and coffee on the way in, its a long ride… get into work and shoot to the bathroom. Walk out of the bathroom and meet up with some guys to go grab another cup of coffee, as normal.

Down in the cafe for about 10 mins with my VP and a few others, and I am introduced to the new CFO, awesome.

Get back upstairs and have to take a leak, again. Run to the bathroom, and see myself in the mirror, i look at my fly, and see that there is a “murder scene” outline of where my balls had been resting from when i took a leak earlier. as if someone dusted my pants for ball prints, there they were. All the while thinking, “yes excellent to meet you sir”.

UPDATE! 12:21PM

“….Just went to the bathroom, and again examined how this misfortune could have occured. During my test, some powder touched my dark grey pants, not nearly as bad as the murder scene, but still noticeable, therefore I applied water,water makes wet pants

solution: “kids/Handicap” hand dryer

perfect, except for the fact that some guy walked in behind me (which i didnt notice due to the loud noise of an inventor named Mr. Dyson)

…..this man saw me scrunched down, pelvis forward drying what he probably assumed was piss

Buffalo Bills Update: Dick Jauron Fired

// November 17th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Justice, Minnesota, Uconn, Uncategorized

dick-jauron

As a Bills fan, I comment not on head coaches, QBs, or star players. All of whom, in the past decade, have come and gone like the flu season. Instead, I will be cheering on other Bills fans, a shared misery of the couchdom. Countless Sundays left wondering, “Why?” The best part of being a Bills fan? Inevitably, is, other Bills fans. Misery loves company, friends, and in Upstate new york, there’s a lot to love.

Buffalo just axed their head coach, Dick Jauron. Well, we’ll definitely turn the season around now. Jauron finishes his illustrious career at 24-33. However, the best (and funniest) news out of all this might just be this little tidbit:

[ESPN] “…Jauron was blindsided by the firing, an NFL source told ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter”

Blindsided, huh? Well, I guess I can understand that. Winning games and keeping your job probably aren’t synonymous in the NFL.

FULL STORY HERE

MEET THE MAN BEHIND TOM CRUISE! FWG FINDS THE STUNT DOUBLE

// November 10th, 2009 // No Comments » // Minnesota, Uncategorized

tom-cruise-stunt-double In a twist of fate, after receiving a couple hundred emails on Tom Cruise filming on the top of the Copley Parking Garage, I was a man at ease. My blogging job was done. Just when I didn’t think it could get any better, like Ali in his prime, somehow even more fortune found me. While working the door at The Place last night, a couple of left coaster’s came in. Marked by their rugged good looks and affinity for making the “I don’t care look” really work. Men that were completely comfortable in their own skin. Anyway, they rolled up on mountain bikes, someone remarking “There goes a guy making 250k a year, on a bike” It didn’t register at the time, until the booze set in and our friends from Cali started talking. After a quick exchange I got the break of my blogging career, these young gentleman were, in fact, working on the movie “Wichita” and, this guy happened to be Tom Cruise’s stunt double. Those videos you saw yesterday of “Tom Cruise” whipping his vehicle and fishtailing into oblivion. It was this guy. I should have known, what with Surri and the Cult Church of Scientology in his trust, he wouldn’t be driving in such a reckless manner. But you know who would? His stunt double. Who, by the way, was one of the coolest, most outgoing people I’ve encountered working at bars here in Boston.

Final Thought:

Last night was a star studded event over on Broad St. Our guest list included not only stunt doubles and fight coordinators, but also Big Baby (broken thumb and all) and a few of the Red Sox.

The Morning After: Thoughts From Last Night

// November 5th, 2009 // No Comments » // Minnesota, Uncategorized

There is not a lot that can cheer me up the night that the Yankees win the World Series. Puppies, my girlfriend, that’s the short list. For the rest of the population, near-gratuitous photos of scantily clad bar-goers does the trick. For that segment of America, I have you covered. Here’s what you missed last night, aside from all the Yankee “Fans” coming out of hiding for the first time this century. Hooray Bandwagon!

Jazz

// October 19th, 2009 // No Comments » // Minnesota, Uncategorized

The Lowest Of Lows: Injured While Celebrating

// September 14th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // Minnesota, Uncategorized

The NCAA has always had a stranglehold on fun.

I’ll save the “Amateurism is a joke” post for another day; what I’m talking about is the celebration factor. NCAA — No Celebrating At Anytime.

In my time at UConn, unfortunately I did not have the opportunity to do many touchdown dances. After the one touchdown I did have (ah, I recall it fondly), I was too surprised by my

own good luck to even consider anything flashy. Who really wants to see a fat white guy dance anyway? But, I digress.

Until this weekend, I thought it was foolish. If someone earns a touchdown,

let ‘em dance, spike, and sache themselves into the SportsCenter Top 10, or at least YouTube lore.

But then, after watching the UConn-UNC game this weekend, I thought to myself, “Hmmm, maybe the NCAA is right,” after a UNC player went down in his post-touchdown jubilation. It wasn’t until I got online and read this, that I was inspired to write this post:

“UNC’s Zack Pianalto dislocated his fibula after catching the tying touchdown. He caught his cleats wrong on the turf as he celebrated.”

Celebrations do seem to be incredibly detrimental to a football playe’rs health,

so I decided to do a little research on football players that have been injured celebrating.

Bill Gramatica

Probably the go-to example of how not to celebrate your accomplishments, the kicker tore his ACL after a meaningless field goal. Kicking a field goal: good. Six months of rehab: bad.

Ted Ginn Jr.

In the 2007 BCS title game, Ginn returns the opening kickoff 93 yards for a touchdown. He would miss the rest of the game after he injured himself celebrating in the end zone with his teammates.

Ohio State went on to lose the game, and Jim Tressel sobbed himself to sleep clutching his sweater vest.

READ THE REST HERE

Blount Versus Hout: Add Your Own Soundtrack

// September 5th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Minnesota, Uncategorized

In addition to writing for sites like NESN and DEADSPIN, I’ve also chosen a slightly more glamorous career path: bouncing. On my shift Thursday night I got lucky; from my post I had a clear view of the Oregon v. Boise State game. The only problem was that, with the DJ spinning the hits, there was no soundtrack to the game. Boise States dominance, I had to fill in what the talking heads at ESPN were probably saying. Which wasn’t difficult, as you might imagine— Tim Tebow, a few Phil Knight references, and then something about “smash mouth football”

And then, at the end of the game, I got to watch Oregon’s LeGarrette Blout sucker punch Boise State’s Byron Hout. Connecting on some sweet, sweet chin music. This was probably the highlight of my night, instead of watching guidos swing on each other at closing time, I got some HBO quality entertainment, during NCAA Primetime.

And I got to add my own soundtrack—the only thing that came to mind was that scene from Major League, where Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn squares off with Willie “Mayes” Hayes—with Bob Uecker giving the call…

“Hayes swings and misses. I don’t know Monte, it looks like Vaughn is carrying his left a little low. This could hurt him in the later rounds. ”

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