Tony Romo Can Suck A Bag Of Dicks

// September 12th, 2011 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

I bought into the whole, ‘Tony Romo is going to have a huge season’ thing.  He was starting the season healthy, and had arguably the best offensive weapons in football.  This was the year that he made the leap from average QB who makes above average news in the tabloids, to elite QB who carries his team to wins over good teams.

I even drafted two Cowboys in the first five rounds of my fantasy draft, something I would only normally do if they were Patriots.

Last night Romo made me look like a genius, at times.  He made a handful of great plays, and even made some throws that I doubt anyone else in the league could have made.  Then, at times, Romo made me look like a moron.

Actually, you know what? He only made himself look like a moron.  There were countless plays where his team took inexcusable penalties.  Penalties that Peyton Manning would never have allowed, including a delay of game on a third and 18.  Then there was the coup de grace.  His interception at the end of the 4th, on a throw that he shouldn’t have tried, and didn’t need to make, was straight out of the Brett Favre hand book.

Someone pointed out recently that Favre may be the most overrated QB in NFL history.  Assuming that’s true, then Romo is the next Brett Favre.  The guy is just as likely to break your heart as the other team’s, and even when everyone else does their job for sixty minutes (blocked punt aside), he can still cost you the game.  I would even go as far as saying that after last night’s debacle, you are more likely to win a Super Bowl with (trying not to throw up in my mouth) Mark Sanchez.

I wonder how Rob Ryan feels about beating his brother, only to have his team’s QB cost him a year’s worth of bragging rights.  He doesn’t seem like he would take to kindly to losing a game because of a guy who spent the first half diving away from contact like it was a big moment in a big game.

I know I wouldn’t.

——Corey

Damn It Feels Good To Be A Football Fan

// September 9th, 2011 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Last night’s season opener between the Packers and Saints escalated quickly. I mean it really got out of hand fast.

I think Aaron Rodgers killed a defense.

Week 1 games rarely provide anything special. Both teams are trying to work out the kinks, and get off to slow starts. There was nothing remotely slow about last night, and it has me genuinely giddy about watching more football on Sunday.

So giddy, in fact, that I decided to go through each of the Week 1 matchups, and pick the one thing I’m the most excited about. In the interest of time, they will be in Tweet form.

@Atlanta/Chicago. Jay Cutler will go down, and he will go down hard. Then he will run away, blaming his diabetes.

@Cincinnati/Cleveland. The Browns are favored by almost a touchdown. Beware of flying elephants.

@Buffalo/KC. The Bills are starting the season as the third best team in their division. Enjoy it while it lasts.

@Philly/St.Louis. Any football fan not in the DC area has to be excited about watching the Eagles in 2011.

@Detroit/Tampa. I want to see Suh rip someone’s head off. Literally.

@Tennessee/Jacksonville. I will root vehemently against the Jags all season. I hate quitters.

@Pittsburgh/Baltimore. Is it time to turn against the whole, ‘Joe Flacco is good’ movement yet?

@Indianapolis/Houston. The Texans offense should make this watchable for a half. In the second, Vodka Collins getting the shakes will have the same effect.

@NYGiants/Washington. Redskins fans need a win here. I hope they get it, because Giants fans need to be shut up.

@Seattle/San Fran. Epic battle between the two worst starting QBs in the league. It’s the toilet bowl!!

@Minnesota/San Diego. McNabb was apparently too dumb to run the Shanahan’s offense. Will be interesting to see if he is smart enough to hand the ball off.

@Carolina/Arizona. Larry Fitzgerald with a real live NFL QB throwing him the ball? Yes please.

@Dallas/NYJets. I hate the Jets. And yes, that hatred will even allow me to root for Dallas.

@New England/Miami. The Dolphins quest for 0-16 begins. Get the champagne ready!!

@Oakland/Denver. Sorry Denver, I didn’t mean to steal your thunder. You could go 0-16 too. Yes you could.

**One note from yesterday’s Dear Mr. Fantasy piece.  I will be starting Chad Ochocinco over Miles Austin.  Austin’s hamstring might limit his productivity, and the Dolphin’s secondary shouldn’t limit anything.**

——Corey

Dear Mr Fantasy…Week 1

// September 8th, 2011 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

Fantasy football is socially acceptable stalking.

You spend hours studying players; where they’re going, who they’re going to be meeting when they get there, how they act, and what they might do next.  You start to feel like you know them better than they know themselves, and they have no idea that you’re there, creeping in the bushes of the internet, watching.

Tonight is the start of a sixteen week stretch where the object of your obsession looks the other way, and even allows you to benefit from stalking them.  Tonight is when football leaves the window open while it’s changing and lets us all watch.

I just made you feel dirty didn’t I?

You’re welcome.

Here is who I will be starting in Week 1.

QB - Phillip Rivers.  Not too many teams would cause me to sit Rivers, and Minnesota isn’t one.

RB - Darren McFadden.  Going against the Broncos defense I would start Tiki Barber.  Wait, what do you mean no one picked him up?

WR - Miles Austin.  Even against a tough Jets D, and Darell Revis, I think Austin gets off to a fast start.

WR - Mike Williams.  He is the best WR on his team, and if there is a weakness on the Lions D it is in the secondary.

Flex -  RB Tim Hightower.  Starting Hightower over Felix Jones because, as high as I am on the Cowboys offense, starting two players against the Jets seems like too big a risk.

TE - Brandon Pettigrew.  Someone will be open when teams triple team Calvin Johnson, and Pettigrew proved he was a legitimate downfield threat last year.

D - Baltimore.  A Ravens/Steelers game is sure to feature at least a couple turnovers.

K - Neil Rackers.  Texans should put up a lot of points without Peyton Manning keeping them off the field.

Who Not To Start

Reggie Wayne.  Colts will try and run the ball against the Texans this week.  Wayne is good enough to get his without Manning, but if you have other options, use em.

Rashad Mendenhall.  Seems like he has one of those 18 carries for 55 yards games.

Mike Thomas (Jax WR).

Eli Manning.  Washington’s secondary is one of the most underrated in football and Manning likes to spread the ball around, to the other team.

Sleepers

Ben Tate, Reggie Bush, Braylon Edwards, Lance Kendricks

On Monday I will look back and either eat a big greasy crow burrito, or brag about how much smarter I am than you.

—–Corey

Signs of The Apocalypse

// September 7th, 2011 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

ARod doing something naturally?!?!?!

The Weekend Recap: My Favorite Things Edition

// September 6th, 2011 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

I spent my Labor Day weekend camping at the St James River State Park with my older brother, his fiancé, and my girlfriend, who lost her camping virginity on the trip.

The trip gave me an opportunity to catch up with my brother, who after spending a weekend with, I realize don’t get to see nearly enough, and get to know his fiancé before traveling down to the DR for their wedding. It also provided lots of chances to tease my girlfriend about spiders and other creepy crawly things which, because I’m a child, gave me endless pleasure.

In addition, we canoed seven miles down a beautiful river that we had almost entirely to ourselves, and even managed to catch some fish (some of us more than others). I also saw a baby black bear.

Unfortunately our backpack had eleven thousand pockets, and I couldn’t get the camera out in time to document the event. Even though it could have probably clawed my face off, it was adorable. Not quite as adorable however, as the white trash lady who scared it off when she arrived a few seconds later to feed some dumpster cats.

The trip made me realize that living in New York, I often forget how much I enjoy simply being outside. As this made me wonder what else I truly enjoy that has simply faded into the background of an adult life, in Part 2 of the Labor Day Weekend Recap Extravaganza, I’m rolling out a My Favorite Things edition.

(Note: The following appear in no particular order)

*********************

My family. There may not be a normal, well adjusted person among us, and it may not always be easy, but I consider myself lucky to call each and every one of them my family.

American cheese slices. I love all forms of cheese, except maybe Swiss, but none more than a good old fashioned slice of American. When I’m at my parent’s house for a weekend, I have been known to consume over a pound of the stuff. 80% of which is consumed alone, with the other 20% split between sandwiches and golden retrievers.

Building a camp fire. A camp fire demands your attention every ten minutes or so, and it is necessary in order to see your site and keep warm. Is there a more perfect task for someone who can’t sit still, and who needs to feel useful at all times?

Talking about sports. There are no right or wrong answers. If you don’t believe me, start a debate over who the second best basketball player of all time is and see how convincing people’s cases are. Most things boil down to black and white, right or wrong. But with sports, you get to own your answer, and defend it like it was family, regardless of whether other people agree.

Movies. See above.

Live Music. Nothing better for the soul than singing and dancing along with a bunch of strangers, who don’t care if you can do either with any proficiency.

Road trips. The freedom of not having to rely on anyone else in order to walk out your front door and take off, is something I took for granted all my life before moving to New York.

Being out on the water. Could be a lake, pond, river, or ocean. It doesn’t matter, just as long as I’m off land.

Golf. It is one thing that has always brought all the men in my family together, and that isn’t easy to do.

Showering. As much as I love being outside, and don’t mind being dirty, I could stay in a shower until the hot water runs out.

My girlfriend. Almost all of the above are better with her by my side. The exception? I prefer to eat my American cheese alone, free from judgment.

Beef jerky. Go ahead and judge. It’s delicious.

Dunkin’ Donuts French Vanilla Iced Coffee.

Dogs.  My brother has over 200 pounds of dog, a bloodhound and a black lab.  On the trip down they took turns licking and slobbering all over my ears, and it didn’t bother me at all.  If I didn’t live in the city,  I would definitely have a dog. I mean, who doesn’t love a good ear licking?

Writing. It took 28 years, and a whole lot of talent lazily dropped by the wayside, but I finally found something that I’m good at, and able to put myself into knowing it’s what I’m supposed to be doing.

Thanks for reading.

——Corey

The Weekend Recap: Silver Lining Edition

// September 6th, 2011 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

College football has become harder to watch in recent years.

That was the sentiment my brother and I shared on our way to a camping trip this weekend (More on both in Part 2 of this Labor Day Weekend Recap extravaganza).

The reason?

College sports have forgotten about college.  They are in most cases, a breeding ground for the pros, and the term student athlete usually only applies to the punter, and a maybe few scrubs on special teams.

Then there’s the malfunctioning bowl system that gives us a month worth of games that either we don’t care about, only one team cares about because for them it is like the Super Bowl, one team doesn’t give a shit about because it is an insult to be in the San Diego Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl and they never show up, or a National Championship game that subjects us to a half of sloppy football because both teams have been off for a month.

Think about some of the lasting images from the history of college football.

The band on the field.  Flutie’s hail mary against Miami.  Kordell Stewart’s last second bomb to Michael Westbrook. Oklahoma/Boise State.  Just to name a few.

Now what comes to mind when you think about college football today?

Ohio State players/coaches getting suspended and fired.  The U’s legal troubles.

It’s no wonder that two rabid football fans would be questioning their love of the game.  It’s not nearly as fun to watch a game where the announcers dominate the color commentary with legal mumbo jumbo, and you’re more likely to hear a debate over whether COLLEGE athletes deserve to get paid a salary than one over who runs the best offense.

For those of you out there who feel the same way; I present a Silver Lining edition of the Weekend Recap, in which I will find something positive about all of the games featuring Top 25 teams this past weekend.

1)Oklahome 47 Tulsa 14 - Tom Wort honoring friend, and fallen teammate Austin Box by wearing his number out onto the field was the kind of moment that makes you forget about bull shit like agent scandals.  Oh, and the Sooners’ offense is scary good.

2)Alabama 48 Kent State 7 - A much needed distraction for those devastated by the tornado in Tuscaloosa a few  months ago.

4)LSU 40 3)Oregon 27 - Might make everyone clamoring for a place at the top of the college football mountain for the PAC 10 shut up.

5)Boise State 35 19)Georgia 21 - Might make all those who claim that the SEC is an untouchable super conference shut up.

6)FSU 34 UL-Monroe 0 - Good to see that someone in college football still values defense.  A shutout is the ultimate embarrassment, and some teams will even kick a field goal while down by 40, just to avoid it….

7)Stanford 57 SJSU 3 - Ummmm…..Andrew Luck is good.

8)Texas A&M 46 SMU 14 - There was a prank in Virginia this weekend that involved over 17,000 pairs of women’s underwear.  So Much Underwear, get it?

9)Oklahoma State 61 Louisiana-Layfayette 34 - Do I really need to sell a game that featured 95 points?

10)Nebraska 40 Chattanooga 7 - Taylor Martinez is Tim Tebow 2.0, without all the Jesus jocking and bible thumping, and with a neck.

11)Wisconsin 51 UNLV 17 - The Badgers gave up two late scores, and a cover of the spread, with under five minutes to go.  Immediately after, head coach Bret  Bielema bought a Maserati.  Gambling conspiracies are fun.

12)South Carolina 56 ECU 37 - 93 points, and some ole ball coach hypocrisy as he tried to punish Steven “Joe Kane Jr” Garcia by benching him, only to bring him in in the second quarter after falling behind 17-0.

13)Virginia Tech 66 Appalachian State 13 - Appalachian State stinks again.

Baylor 50 14)TCU 48 - An instant classic.

15)Arkansas 51 Missouri State 7 - You now know that Missouri State has a football team.

South Florida 23 16)Notre Dame 20 - We can get all that, ‘Maybe Notre Dame will be good because they used to be good, and they have cool helmets’ stuff out of the way.

17)Michigan State 28 Youngstown State 6 - Spartan captain Joel Foreman gave up his spot in the starting lineup to Arthur Ray Jr, who had been sidelined since signing in 2007, while he battled cancer in his leg.

18)Ohio State Akron 0 - The Ohio State University didn’t break a single rule, or sell a single jock strap.

20)Mississippi State 59 Memphis 14 - Miss St RB Vick Ballard has one of the coolest names ever.  Hopefully he realizes his potential as a leading man in porn movies.

21)Missouri 17 Miami OH 6 - This game was on at noon, when most of us were hungover and still sleeping.

22)Florida 41 FAU 3 - Gators were pitching a shutout, then heard that Tebow was seen at a synagogue.  They gave up a field goal before realizing they had simply misheard, and he was actually singing gaga.

23)Auburn 42 Utah State 38 - The defending National Champions needed two late touchdowns, AND an onside kick recovery, to beat the Aggies.  No not those Aggies.  The ones from Utah State.  I’d say overrated, but I don’t like to gossip.  So you ain’t heard that from me!

24)West Virginia 34 Marshall 13 - After this rain shortened affair, I know what Article 3a, 3b, and 3c in the college football rule book are.

25)USC 19 Minnesota 17 - USC finally ran out of illegally signed players, and I’ve finally run out of snarky things to say.

Until later on that is, when I unveil Part 2 of The Weekend Recap, the My Favorite Things edition.

——-Corey

Excessive Cruelty

// August 31st, 2011 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

The following video is from a High School football game in Ohio.  Two players celebrate a go ahead touchdown, and are subsequently penalized for it.

I would suggest turning the volume down as this is shot by someone in the crowd, and there is lots of screaming.

The penalty pushed the team back, where they failed a two point conversion, and gave their opponent excellent field position, which they used to kick the game winning field goal.

Seems like a severe penalty for simply pointing to the sky doesn’t it?

Well it wasn’t just two players honoring God, or trying to call attention to themselves.  One of their teammates, a 16 year old young man known as Dom, had died a week earlier in a car crash.  The kid who catches the touchdown, Alex Schooley, had been a pallbearer at Dom’s funeral, and the gesture was meant as a tribute to their fallen friend. The flag was later backed up because it could have been deemed offensive to the other players.

First, there is no way that the referees in a high school football game, in Ohio, would be unaware of a tragedy like a 16 year old boy losing his life.  Especially if he played for one of the team’s participating in a game they were scheduled to work.  So shouldn’t restraint have been the better part of valor in this situation?

Aside from that, the players were not demonstrative, or even antagonistic towards the other team, and the only way it could be construed as offensive was if the other team happened to be in the sky.  I don’t believe they were.

A couple of young men, who had just endured the hardest week of their young lives, should not have to worry about how they choose to honor a friend because we have become obsessed with enforcing ticky tack rules that rape sports of any raw emotion.

The field should be one place where they can escape the unfathomable cruelty that life is capable of.

Let them be kids.  Let them play.

——-Corey

Signs of The Apocalypse

// August 30th, 2011 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Over 2 million more people have watched this…

Than this…

——Corey

Phuck You Philly: Part 4

// August 30th, 2011 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

I want to hate on Michael Vick for making $100 million, less than two years after being in a federal prison for torturing and killing dogs. I want to hate him. I really, really do.

But you know what?

I can’t.

The guy screwed up, and he did so in a way that most of us find inhumane and despicable, but he paid for it. Upon his release I thought he would be a serviceable backup, destined to play out his career in the shadows of guys like Brady, Manning, and Brees. An insurance policy. A cautionary tale.

I doubted Vick’s ability so much that I traded him away last year in fantasy. Ok, it was for Tom Brady and if I had it to do over again, even knowing that it cost me a chance at the title, I would probably talk myself into it again. Yup I’m a bit of a homer, sue me.

But after last year, I won’t doubt Michael Vick’s talent again anytime soon. I also will admit that he has earned back my respect. Something that, as a dog lover, I thought would be impossible.

If we all were burned at the stake for one misstep, one lapse in judgment, how many of us would have survived high school? Or college?

Michael Vick was supposed to be a role model and as such, he was held to a higher standard. However, a true role model should be looked up to for how they handle adversity just as much as for how they excel on the field. While his adversity was self made, he overcame it, paid his debt to society, and returned to the game that most of us thought had left him behind, stronger than ever.

Phuck you Philly. Phuck you for having a guy who is hard to hate, despite the fact that he killed dogs and is going to make a $100 million.

—–Corey

Questionable

// August 29th, 2011 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

First, watch this.

Now as a UCONN fan,  it’s next to impossible to not get some seriously hard basketball wood knowing that this guy will be running up and down the court at Gampel in 2011.

But is it wrong?

Before I get into answering that complicated question, this reminds me of the 2004 Red Sox.  Years after they won that miraculous World Series, many people still ask if it is tainted by the knowledge that a handful of our players might have been on steroids.

The answer is no.  I had no idea who was or wasn’t taking steroids back then, and the Red Sox beat teams who had just as many guys who had taken, or were at least linked to, PEDs.

The fact of the matter is the Sox came back from 3-0 down to beat a great Yankee team.  There isn’t enough juice in the world’s needles to single handedly make that happen.  So while it feels slightly wrong that there may have been guys circumventing the rules on that team, I had no idea while watching it.  And no amount of disparaging information about any member of that team will erase the sheer joy I felt watching that final out being made seven years ago.

Here’s the difference with Andre Drummond coming to Storrs though.  Everyone knows, before a single shot has been taken, what it took to bring him in.  Someone, probably the hardest working guy on the team, because the 12th guy, the one with the least talent, is usually the gym rat, will have to give up a scholarship that he spent his entire life earning.

Suppose it was your brother, or a close friend, that will be the one giving up his free ride.  How would you feel about every game that the Huskies won because of Drummond?

At what point is the cost of another championship too high?

I want to hear your thoughts.  Leave a comment, or email me at cmaloney15@yahoo.com

——Corey