The Fire Still Burns!

// May 24th, 2009 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

Yesterday I played in a game that is now tied for first with the best football game I have ever played in. The Carinthian Black Lions’ victory over the Vienna Vikings is some of the best football I have ever had the distinct honor and pleasure of being associated with. More to come soon….

FWG Spots Banana Hammock On Sale: Hilarity Ensues

// May 21st, 2009 // 5 Comments » // Uncategorized

While I have been over here, I have experienced many different things. No free refills at McDonalds–that’s fine, I could stand to lose a few. I learned what it means to really drink beer, also fine. I have been fortunate to have great teammates who are willing to show an “ignorant” American around their beautiful country. That being said, there was one thing that had been evading me. That’s right, the “banana hammock.” A staple of European swimwear, “Der Bader-Hosen”, a glorified tube sock gleaming in the summer sun. So when I went into the grocery store and saw that there was an incredibly reasonably priced (3 Euro) bader hosen in the clearance aisle, I jumped all over it. Of course, my girlfriend, sister, and teammates were all there to document the entire process, which then raised another point: should I ever have to get a “real job” will these pictures make me completely unemployable? The answer? A resounding “Yes!”
I can see it now, “Mr. Lunn, impressive resume. I have never met anyone who could speak fluent Danish and also won the Nobel Prize, yet we have…these (slides pictures across table). I’m sorry Mr. Lunn, you’re just not “Burger King Material.”

I’m not sure whether or not to give the following a “NSFW” tag….but you can be the judge.

Fat White Guy Redefines Flaccid

// May 20th, 2009 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

Last game we beat the Falcons (I’d tell you their home city, but I can’t pronounce it and smart money is on the fact that you don’t really care). Our four-touchdown victory margin was overshadowed by the fact that at one point during the second quarter I looked down and realized my right thumb was now facing backwards and touching my wrist. My brief moment of curiosity gave way to panic, which then of course gave way to “What the fuck do I do now?”

Read the rest HERE

The Fomerly Fat White Guy Project…UPDATE!

// May 11th, 2009 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

Here is the update on the “contestants” as we are now 2 weeks into the competition:

Remember what is at stake here: UConn Tickets, T-shirts, Ownership of this blog, personal pride, self respect (or lack there of).

Fat Pickle Fatty:

How did I get to be such a fat ass? Hard work, that’s how! A commitment to bad food choices, 50 beers a week, and little to no exercise. The “perfect storm” of fatness. I’m 6 feet tall and currently weigh 203.5 lbs. My “playing weight” is 180-ish. So I could stand to lose 20. And truth is I’m ready to. And I love a contest/bet/challenge.

Tex:

Walk on Boy:
Tony:
Put down that beer…what is that? Schlitz? For shame, for shame.

Fat Pat:
The two weeks have been kind to Fat Pat—careful not to be distracted by his beautiful mane of sparsely distributed chest hair.FWG:
I was told that it’s not fair if I do not have a personal stake in this competition. So here you have it, my “before” picture(s).

Final Thoughts (yes, it HAS been a while since I’ve had any):

Thinking of doing the “Ten Commandments of Blogging”:
“Thou shall not blog on the Sabbath, lest he receiveth a brandy glass full of brown M&Ms, with an orientation of north by northwest”

I am so out of touch with American movies, but having visited Movies.com today, I am willing to bet that “The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past” is not exactly “Oscar worthy.” The smart money is on “Hotel For Dogs”

Yesterday my teammate Ryan was told by an Austrian club-goer that he always enjoyed it when “Germans tried to speak English—stick to German, you’re English is terrible.” Ryan is neither German, nor does he speak a lick of it. That being said, his English is pretty poor.

….and the natives are restless

// May 10th, 2009 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

Got this little piece of “fan mail” over @ NESN.COM — in response to the piece I ran about our last game against the Gladiators.

Hey Lunn,
I think you fail to realize that you are playing (football) in a tiny village of Austria, for a 3rd tier team. It isnt Austrian Football” and neither does “Portschach” represent Austria. Its a tiny village in a state that is, well, different. The Carinthian Black Lions, your team, arent very good at all, and now that I read about your cigarettes at half time I do understand why they are so miserably bad. I think that if it werent for your DJ Hernandez who is an exceptional athlete, you wouldnt even be able to beat most Division 3 teams (like for example the Gladiators). So maybe next year you can play in a CITY of Austria for a CONTENDING team – although based on your performance thus far, I rather doubt they would pay for your services. The worst of it is though, how you expose your teammates and organisation to ridicule…they really got a lemon and although I dont like the Carinthian Black Pussy Cats, I do feel sorry for them.

Maybe you pass by Vienna some time again and we can show you a thing or two about real football in Austria.

Rgds, Cookie

Ahhh where to start with this? Am I the only one that finds humor in the whole “cigarettes at half time” thing? I hope not. Truth is, this IS Austrian Football—not American Football in Austria. Trust me, there is a difference (Personal Foul in the endzone = 2 points?–yeah, that happened). For the record, the Carinthian Black Lions did a number on the Gladiators, dismantling them and winning by more than 4 touchdowns. DJ has proved to be probably THE premier quarterback in the AFL, providing serious headaches for opposing defenses. And when it comes to me playing in a “real” city well, I’m no statistician but I’d say 8 sacks in 5 games isn’t too bad. But, in the mean time me and my band of flunkies (read: The best group of guys in Austria) are gonna keep on keepin’ on. Put that one in your translator and smoke it.

Questions? Comments? More Fan Mail? TheFatWhiteGuyATgmail.com

We’ve Got Graz

// May 8th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

Our upcoming game is against Graz. I’ve mentioned this in earlier posts (pay attention). Graz is the hometown of Arnold Schwarzenegger. The Austrians have a conflicted relationship with the “Austrian Oaf”–a love/hate relationship that I don’t fully understand. To Americans, the Governator is the American Dream personified: Come to America with little to no money, become larger than life, then marry a Kennedy.
To some Austrians he abandoned their country, went all “right wing,” and eventually sentenced a man to death (a HUGE no-no in this part of Europe). Let me put it this way, the American teammates put this question to our Austrian teammates during some locker room banter, “Who would you say the most famous Austrian is?” In true American fashion only asking questions we already (thought we) knew the answer to.
“Ummmm I vood seey—ze guy who invented Red Bull.”
There you have it, Dietrich Mateschitz (Who??-exactly) is the most famous Austrian,at least in the eyes of the 20-something demographic. That blows my mind.
Anyway, the game against Graz:
Their Quarterback (an Austrian) can really sling it, and they love the option, toss sweep, perimeter run. Should be a real test for our defense, who is battling injuries across the board, from defensive line to the safety position. Stay tuned, and I’ll be back. (See what I just did there?)

Nigerian Hookers

// May 6th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

This is something I can’t wait to tell my kids, “when Daddy was out of college, he played football in Europe, visited Spain and got attacked by Nigerian prostitutes as he exited a bar at 4am drunk off of CruzCampo.” Who thought that the stories of my days playing football in Europe would have so little to do with football and so much to do with European night life.

I left this bar in Spain at closing time, and to be honest it was time for me to go. There’s only so many times you can fall off a barstool and still be served. I make my way into the street and immediately received what the Austrians call “Luft-Schlagen” or “the air slap”. Meaning when the cold night air hits, it delivers an immediate, sobering blow to your rosy cheeks. Imagine my continued surprise, when in the post luft-schlagen moment I was mobbed by no less than seven Nigerian whores.

Read the rest HERE

He Lacks The Opposable Thumbs, Focker

// May 5th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

In case you didn’t know. I run/own NESN. In the eyes of the Klagenfurt Hospital I am now the sole owner, operator, CEO, and President, etc of the New England Sports Network.

But how did this happen? Please allow me to explain:

We played our 4^th game yesterday—a grudge match if I’ve ever seen one. Two teams, a lot of history between then, and a personal vendetta. The story goes something like this: Back in 2004 the Carinthian Black Lions were actually the “Carinthian Cowboys.” Their starting quarterback was an Austrian (which for this league is fairly rare, since most quarterbacks tend to be “imports”). This quarterback, Bernie was all run-and-gun, modeling his game after the late great Michael Vick. The only problem was that Bernie didn’t have blazing 4.4 speed, shiftiness, or any remarkable athletic ability. Instead Bernie looked like a down and out offensive guard, with legs like a snake and an arm like a wet noodle.

Read the rest HERE

Welcome To Fitmax

// May 5th, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

With the Formerly Fat White Guy Project in full swing, I figured it is about time I showed you where we “train ” here in Austria. Just a little bit different from our facilities at UConn.

“I Told That Kraut Down At The League Office…”

// May 1st, 2009 // 8 Comments » // Uncategorized

Like it or not, this blog is actually popular (I know!–who-woulda-thought?). Something was just brought to my attention, that needs to be discussed, addressed, squashed, what-have-you.

I took down the “SCOREBOARD” that some of you early readers might remember, because in my opinion it was a little too “hey! look at me.” But for the record, Thoughts From a Fat White Guy just passed 300,000 hits. Pause for celebration.

So where exactly am I going with all this? I’m trying to say Thoughts From a Fat White Guy has gone global. Until now it has been very well received….

Well recently FWG was “called out” in a blog post and news paper article by German reporter Jürgen Kalwa, who posted his rant on Football-Austria.com (screenshot below)

The point of said article (the entirety of which you can find here—get your translator ready)

The article starts off stating that “Rob Lunn has learned nothing in college” and “Even a fool can have an opinion” was that he was upset about my “interpretation” of culture–whether it be at “the spa” (FWG not used to that much nakedness), caricatures of President Obama proudly displayed on the streets of Klagenfurt (see below), as well as the style, dress, and practice habits of bar patrons and teammates alike (my sweatpants, their Canadian-Tuxedos–both in poor taste).

I have ALWAYS hoped that my writing is worth a laugh and maybe a few insights into life as a college athlete or football player. Self- deprecation has always been the name of the game. I am not patronizing my teammates or Austrians, rather I have thought it humorous my observations on how life is different compared to the United States. I have not once said that one way of life is better than the other, because if anything, being here has shown me one is NOT superior to another. Simply put, the world is smaller; we are no longer isolated nations and no man is an island. The 21st century is truly marked by the concept of the global community, barriers (political, social, and economic) are being broken down everyday.

For one person to say that my American teammates and I are ignorant, or “have learned nothing in college” is exactly the type of broad and sweeping generalization I would hope to avoid, especially from someone who is making the argument that I am the ignorant one.

After four years of college, graduating above a 3.0 with a degree in political science, being told that I do not, “understand the intricacies of a political culture” is something to which I take great offense.

I have not made political statements with my blog regarding how Austrians (or Europeans) view America, or I them. I am here with the most open of minds, truly soaking in all this country has to offer. Above all else, I am here to play football and enjoy a new (and sometimes strange) experience. The concept of “hilarity ensues” should be explained to Mr. Jürgen Kalwa — my experiences in these situations don’t make the experiences (people, places, things) bad, they make the interaction funny. FWG goes to Nude-Bath: Hilarity Ensues.

In closing, I hope that everyone continues to enjoy my Tales From Austria, whether it is on this site, NESN.com or Deadspin.

And again, a big THANK YOU for helping to reach 300,000 hits!