Posts Tagged ‘brett favre’

A Truly Viral Story

// July 25th, 2011 // 102 Comments » // Uncategorized

brett-favre-traded-to-the-jetsBrett Favre is like a really bad case of genital herpes.

When you think that it has finally died down, and you’re going to be able to enjoy having sex with the really hot girl you’ve been dating for the last few months, it shows up and makes you feel embarrassed, insecure, and of course sexually frustrated.

Once it is there you spend a few weeks waiting it out, and as it begins to subside, you start to envision how fantastic it will be once it’s gone.

But, like Brett Favre, just when you think you can relax, and start to enjoy a universe where it doesn’t irritate your body and psyche on a daily basis, it comes roaring back.

Everyone has seen the commercials where people who suffer from genital herpes can live happy, normal lives with the help of some medication. Even managing to seem magnanimous about their plight.

It’s too bad there’s not a tube of Valtrex in the world big enough to get Brett Favre out of our lives long enough for us to smile and go for a bike ride.

——Corey

Weekend Recap: The Change Up Edition

// June 6th, 2011 // 6 Comments » // Uncategorized

Normally I’m against remakes, rip offs, re do’s, or whatever else you want to call them.

But when you take Ryan Reynolds, an underrated comedic actor due in large part to his propensity for posing without a shirt on, which isn’t funny, and add in Jason Bateman, brilliant in Arrested Development, to put a new twist on Trading Places, I’m in.

Even when the plot revolves around the two guys peeing into a magic fountain.

In honor of a rip off I can get behind, I present The Change Up edition of the Weekend Recap.

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Stanley Cup Canucks Bruins Hockey

Tim Thomas and Brett Favre apparently peed in that same fountain.

The Bruins lost Game 1 of the Stanley Cup finals with eighteen seconds to go in the 3rd period. It was a tough way to lose a game that they had dominated, but it pales in comparison to how Vancouver beat them in Game 2.

Tim Thomas, a gunslinger goalie who hates staying in the net to begin with, transformed into Favre just before overtime. It is the only way to explain why he was halfway to the blue line eleven seconds into overtime. The play was eerily similar to Favre’s interception to keep the Vikings out of the Super Bowl in 2010, where instead of playing it safe and going for a field goal, Favre threw across his body and into the arms of Tracey Porter.

They were both plays that didn’t need to be made, and both cost their team the game.

It’s hard to call Thomas out, but for every great sprawling save, there is an ill advised trip out of the net that makes Bruins fans cover their eyes. The difference between Aaron Rodgers and Brett Favre, other than possessing class and dignity, is that he knows when to hold em, and he knows when to fold em. Favre doesn’t know when to walk away, or when to run.

As a Bruins fan, I hope that Thomas hides his money a little better tonight, when he’s sitting in the net.

Cause if they go down 3-0, the series’ done.

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You know who else found their way to that fountain this weekend?1g9m87em56

Dwayne Wade and Michael Jordan.

There has been a lot of talk about Lebron being better than MJ. I don’t like to gossip, and I ain’t Scottie Pippen, so you ain’t heard that from me.

Last night it was Wade, not Lebron, who took his game to a Jordan-esque level in carrying the Heat to a hard fought win in Game 3. He couldn’t be stopped. What made it so special was that he knew it.

Like Jordan, he was demanding the ball and delivering when he got it.

Like Jordan he was calling out his teammates, including Lebron, when he felt that they had let him down.

No one, I repeat no one, will ever be better than Jordan.

But for one night, Wade channeled Jordan. If it happens again, the Dallas Mavericks are in trouble.

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nba_g_lbj_ref_576

Speaking of Lebron.

Last night my girlfriend wondered why Lebron was sitting down against the padding at the base of the basket, while the ball boys cleaned up a spill.

“Does he really need to sit there like that?”

The only answer I could think of, after watching Lebron act like Kobe Bryant every time the whistle blew was, “He’s a dick.”

It may seem like harsh criticism, but is there anything more dickish than showing up some guys trying to clean up a spill, so he doesn’t slip and crack open his egomaniacal skull?

Anyone…

Anyone…

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The folks in charge of the French Open peed in the fountain with someone who doesn’t care whether you watch their event or not.

I’d comment on the French Open Final, but those arrogant Frenchmen televised the final match at 9am on a Sunday morning.

There are very few things that would be worth getting up at 9am on a Sunday for. A guy with a robotic personality, hitting balls at a guy who never loses when playing on orange dirt, isn’t one of them.

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Astros Mets Baseball

I learned something very startling this weekend, and I feel that I should share it with you.

The New York Mets peed in that magical fountain with an actual baseball team.

It’s true.  They got uniforms and everything.

——Corey

Steak Dinner Anyone?

// March 8th, 2011 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

Jamarcus Russell makes the 2012 Pro Bowl.

Tiki Barber comes out of retirement after 4 years, and plays in the NFL in 2011.

Rex Ryan doesn’t make anyone uncomfortable in 2011.

Brett Favre doesn’t retire.

This is the only headgear we should see on Tiki Barber

This is the only headgear we should see on Tiki Barber

One of those things is actually going to happen.

Despite being almost 36, and 4 years removed from the daily grind of playing running back in the NFL, Barber has filed the paper work to come out of retirement.

Doesn't she look like she wants to stick that fork in his ear?

Doesn't she look like she wants to stick that fork in his ear?

Much like all the fools who walk around with Bluetooth headsets, when they could very easily use one of their hands to hold their phone (driving in a car is the only possible exception where I could over look the use of such a device), I now want to punch Tiki Barber right in his stupid face.

Barber stepped out on his wife the same way he stepped out on the Giants, choosing a cushy gig with NBC over football, and a taught 23 year old over his cushy wife.

The league bans players for using performance enhancing drugs, smoking weed, and playing with strippers, so why not ban them for being fair-weather assholes who use the league as their own personal fantasy camp?

This would have nipped the whole Brett Favre thing in the bud years ago. You retire, that’s it. No do overs. No backseys. We can’t force men like Barber to stay with their wives, or men like Favre to not send pictures of his junk to women who aren’t his wife, but maybe it is time, with the collective bargaining agreement negotiations, to put a stop to the waffling once and for all.

Here is my proposal. You retire, and decide you want to come back? Fine. But you have to endure every minute of hard work that the man, who’s position and playing time your ego is raping, endured while you were off being unfaithful…sorry..I mean being retired.

Nothing would discourage a man like Barber from attempting an ill advised comeback than actually forcing them to put in work. Barber knows he is a name, nothing more. And some team is going to throw him a contract, and a wheelbarrow full of money, that should have gone to the guy busting his ass everyday on the practice squad because all he wants to do is play the game that he loves.

I will be offering a steak dinner to the linebacker who re-retires his selfish, spotlight hogging ass.

——-CoreyMaloney   cjmalo15@gmail.com—-

NFL Conference Championship Preview: Indy Survives, Sanchez Shirtless, Kenny Powers at DE

// January 21st, 2010 // 6 Comments » // fwgnfl

jared-allen-kenny-powers

AFC Championship Game

New York Jets at Indianapolis Colts, Sunday 3:00 pm (Spread: Indy -7.5)

As Dr. Frankenstein would say,” It’s ALIVE!” Have the Colts created a monster that can’t be stopped? That’s the feel I get when watching the Jets play the last 3 weeks. No one can stop their run game and no one can score on that stingy defense. The Colts were one of the main reasons that the Jets got into the playoffs after they laid down midway through the 3rd quarter in their week 16 game. Will it work out for the Colts or will it blow up in their face? I expect the Jets to try and put a lot of pressure on Manning. (I feel like I am talking myself into picking the Jets) Sorry Jets fans its not going to happen. One simple reason, Peyton Manning. He is just too good. Yes the Jets will take Reggie Wayne out of the game, so what? This just means expect Dallas Clark to have a big game. I also think rookie WR Austin Collie will see a lot of targets and should get into the end zone at least once. So unless the Jets just signed two bears to their starting defense, the Jets season is coming to an end. (See below)

Bottom Line: Manning will guide the Colts to victory (and barely cover). Colts 24-16. bears-attack-manning

Side note:nfl_a_manning-leaf_5801Just imagine the difference in these two franchises if the picks were flopped? Who says there’s no “I” in “Team”

NFC Championship Game

Minnesota Vikings at New Orleans Saints, Sunday 6:40(NO favored 3.5)

What a waste of time it was last week watching the Vikings and Saints lay the smack down on their respective opponents. The Cowboys and Cardinals shouldn’t have even showed up. Both looked so uninspired which is hard to believe considering it was the “elite 8″ of the NFL playoffs. Well, enough of that. This match up should be very exciting. The Saints are always fun to watch and Brett Favre is like a tractor beam, “Sucks you right in.” The Vikings defense played awesome last week and so did the Saints offense (something has to give). At times this year the Vikings have been susceptible to the big play and last week Drew Brews threw down field (15 yards or more) 9 times. The Vikings pass rush needs to put pressure on Brees and not allow the WRs to get down field. Does Favre have any magic left in the tank? I’m leaning toward the Saints at home. Greg Williams (Saints D-coordinator) called a great game last week and again will do the same.

Bottom Line: I’m going with another shootout, Saints win but Vikes cover bc Kenny Powers is playing DE for the Minnesota this weekend 31-28. jared-allen-kenny-powers

Brett Favre and The Crack Back Block Heard ‘Round the World

// September 1st, 2009 // 5 Comments » // Uncategorized

You know what I’m not even mad at Favre for this, sure it was a preseason game, and sure it was illegal.  But in Favre’s defense he’s been moving around so much in the past few years, I’m not sure he knows which way is up anymore.  He’s like some Army brat hopping from base to base, and now he’s acting out.  Instead of  rebelling against his father,going goth and piercing his eye brow,  Favre signed with the Vikings, and alienated all of Wisconsin.

Not to mention was this even illegal when Favre started playing football….

Prett Favre, Rookie, Atlanta Falcons

Brett Favre, Rookie, Atlanta Falcons