Fwg | Thoughts from a fat white guy

Maybe I’m Getting Ahead Of Myself, But I Love Super Bowl Commercials

// January 11th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Thanks to Mike for emailing this to me.

I’m glad to see the Verizon FiOS guy is still finding work….

This Has Nothing To Do With Sports or Football, But I Can Stop Watching It

// January 6th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

How well timed this would have been for my year end post. Shit.

“Twitter has quickly become…MEGAN MCCAIN’S BOOBS!”

CASE STUDY: BAR-DARWINISM AT WORK AFTER FIESTA BOWL

// January 5th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

I was doing my morning search over at Deadspin, when Daulerio posted this little gem. I’ve been trying to get my whole Bar-Darwinism theory to be published and peer reviewed, but the damn New England Journal of Medicine won’t return my calls (they did however give me a “restraining order”).

Furthering my argument is this empircal evidence, Boise State offensive linemen (and proud FWG) Michael Ames:

93224600MW083_Tostitos_Fies

“But I think linemen do well because, like many-a-fat chick, we may never have been the best looking or most athletic guys, so by the rules of Bar-Darwinism we were forced to develop a personality, lest we rely solely on our marginal good looks, and thus starve in this proverbial survival of the fittest. They say that if you can make a girl laugh you make her do anything. Even date a fatty. Also, being taller or bigger than our teammate counterparts gives us an automatic conversation starter. Hang around with Dan Ryan for a while and just count how many random “beautiful babies” come up to him (after a few wobbly-pops) and regale him with estimates of his height. Seriously, Mike Hicks, Alex Lamagdalaine, Steve Brouse all have hot girlfriends. Cody Brown is currently dating a girl that is a better athlete than him, and beautiful none-the-less. Same to Julius Williams and Brandon Dillon. I’d like to make this comparison if I could (and I can). Sure a Porsche is fast and fun to drive,but a truck is reliable and will get you through all seasons.”

Your Fat White Guy Moment Of The Week

// January 5th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

FWG-Super Fan Barry forwarded this to me the other day. New York Daily News came up with a list of “Fat Letes”, I am decidedly absent. C.C. Sabathia on the other hand, is very, very present. Enjoy.

Indians Yankees Baseball

Fat-letes: The, um, BIGGEST sports stars of all-time

Wake Up To FWG Hate Mail

// December 30th, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

I’m just your humble, overweight bloggger. Spending my days trying to convince the girlfriend’s parents I’m not a drain on society. I enjoy the simple things in life, like football, youtube, and hatemail. The latter of which I’ve been getting a ton of. So here is some of the best, in response to yesterday’s piece on Mike Leach and whether or not he went too far (if, as it now seems, he went anywhere at all).

And now, the mail bag [Sic'd]:

“Rob - I guess the fact that you played “professional” football in Austria (are you kidding me?) makes you an expert and give you the right to make accusations that you have no way of knowing if they’re true or not. What is fact is that several players have already come out in defense of Leach and a few of them said they also were put in the same equipment room that James was supposedly put in. Hey, got a great idea, go back to Austria you clown.” (From John)

“I have looked forward to reading your comments in the past because I thought you brought some insite into the world of college football. However, after reading this article I realize that you do not research or report journalistically. You are basically taking the reporting of ESPN (Craig James’ employer) and fueling the fire. Do you know that all injured players are to attend Texas Tech practices and rehab while practice is conducted? Do you know that the doctor said James could return to practice, but light could be detrimental? Do you know that the doctor said that Leach’s actions were a positive for that particular injury? Why should James not be held to the same standard as other players? Just because he has a daddy that will stand on a big soap box and scream foul, Leach is supposed to appologize. That is right, the James family wanted a written appology or they would go public, Leach refused to apologize for wrong doing and here we are. It’s about time someone has a pair and stands up to the James’s.” (From Mark)

“wow nice move retard. biased reporting at its best” (from Steve in Texas)

Wake Up To FWG as Bowl-Game Nostradamus

// December 29th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

Good morning good readers. Hope the holidays Christmas went well for you. Nothing like booze and family to remind you why you went out of state for college (just kidding, Mom…) That being said, in my 7 day food coma I got real lazy with the blog posting and forgot to post this video in which I was able to not only predict the USC vs. Boston College bowl game outcome, but also drop in a “Super-Frauds” reference. Tremendous. Enjoy this video and stay tuned. Thanks for your continued support of Thoughts From A Fat White Guy. Without you, I’d be unemployed.

Check out FWG on GQ.com

// December 18th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

Made my debut on GQ.com, who knew all those years holding out for them to start a plus-sized model campaign were for nothing. All I had to do was become a writer. Here’s the link, and a preview:

FWG in GQ

As college football approaches the start of its “postseason,” I am forced to reflect on the ‘08-’09 bowl season—which was my last as a player. It was also, coincidentally, so mind-numbingly boring that I finally jumped on the we-need-a-playoff bandwagon. Maybe last year’s bowls weren’t boring for you, but that’s probably because you didn’t tune into the Pitt vs. Oregon State game, where Pitt lost 3-0. It was then that I knew the bowl season had reached its pinnacle. That shoot out (sarcasm noted) was a start-to-finish adrenaline rush, beginning with Oregon State’s penalty for (get this) wearing the wrong uniforms. Apparently the referees felt that Orange was soooo last season. But, I digress. If there was ever a greater argument for more excitement (read: a playoff system) come championship season, that was it.

With the Division 1-AA Championship game being played tonight (Division 1-AA, of course, has a playoff system), I figured I’d go right to an expert on the issue—someone who has actually participated in a college football playoff system.

Meet Dominic Randolph, starting quarterback for the Holy Cross Crusaders.

Click to read the rest: FWG ON GQ.COM

The Fat White Guy on ESPN Radio: Talking Bowl Games, Notre Dame, Recruiting, and Randy Edsall

// December 9th, 2009 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

Why, When Choosing Between Boxer-Briefs And Medicated Powder, You Should Always Choose The Former

// December 3rd, 2009 // No Comments » // Minnesota, Uncategorized

Gold Bond Is The Breath Mint For Your Balls

I woke up to this reader e-mail today. Yes, I woke up @ 10:30. He shall remain decidedly anonymous.

Subj: FML for FWG

I’m low on laundry, at the bottom of the boxer drawer is the boxer briefs, those are for special occasions, tight pants, or im out of everything else. Briefs get a flag for encroachment so I opt for the extra pow pow pat to the balls in the am. Crowd control is all planning gents.

I pounded water and coffee on the way in, its a long ride… get into work and shoot to the bathroom. Walk out of the bathroom and meet up with some guys to go grab another cup of coffee, as normal.

Down in the cafe for about 10 mins with my VP and a few others, and I am introduced to the new CFO, awesome.

Get back upstairs and have to take a leak, again. Run to the bathroom, and see myself in the mirror, i look at my fly, and see that there is a “murder scene” outline of where my balls had been resting from when i took a leak earlier. as if someone dusted my pants for ball prints, there they were. All the while thinking, “yes excellent to meet you sir”.

UPDATE! 12:21PM

“….Just went to the bathroom, and again examined how this misfortune could have occured. During my test, some powder touched my dark grey pants, not nearly as bad as the murder scene, but still noticeable, therefore I applied water,water makes wet pants

solution: “kids/Handicap” hand dryer

perfect, except for the fact that some guy walked in behind me (which i didnt notice due to the loud noise of an inventor named Mr. Dyson)

…..this man saw me scrunched down, pelvis forward drying what he probably assumed was piss

UConn’s Win Over Notre Dame Reveals The Real Randy Edsall

// November 26th, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

I had a very telling experience here in St. John, while at a beach side bar, I met a guy who worked for the Hartford Housing Authority (or something close to that). Anyway, conversations between two men, wearing nothing more than glorified loin clothes can be forced at best. However, he had a Notre Dame hat on, so I figured I’d give him a good natured ribbing. Turns out he’s a UConn fan and, like so many good men, was married to a Notre Dame fan. That’s not the point here. The point is, he asked me what I thought about Randy Edsall. It surprised me, that a lot of emotion and words surfaced, that I had no problem sharing with this complete stranger. Coach Edsall is a national figure, a real coach’s coach, I told him. I said, it was frustrating as a player, who at times wanted to cut corners, to have a coach who was, by definition, not a corner cutter. He always did things the right way. Not to mention he has an unwavering work ethic and the emotional/moral capacity to lead, not from a place of rah-rah’s-go-get-em’s, but from the example set by working 18 hour days, year round. I knew it when I was a player, and then fan, media, through this seasons most tragic of circumstances, learned that he was a guiding light, spiritual rock. At the height of all “this”– a pain that rarely seems to fade, he was bringing all of UConn and college football through the most difficult of times. I got the feeling that this “answer” was more than this guy was expecting or wanted, but it was the truth. Then furthering my opinion of the man, I got a text message back from him after the game to the effect of, “wish you could have been there, I know your parents had a great time”

UConn is, in my opinion, the best 5-6 team in the country. Not that wins can heal what happened, but, man, in the fourth quarter I couldn’t stand watching those games get away. Didn’t we deserve one? It was almost as if something bigger was building. Then, there it is: UConn and Notre Dame, playing in a football game that just a few seasons earlier would have seemed impossible. UConn could win? Inconceivable. On Senior Day at Notre Dame? Now your just talking crazy. And sure enough, down 14-0, coming back to win in Double OT. I smell a Disney Movie in the making. You couldn’t have scripted it better. I was in a tropical local bar, screaming at a television, proud to be a husky. Missing those days. I was flooded with text messages, talking to the guys who, as Scott Lutrus said it earlier in the week, weren’t surprised they went down there and won. No one understands UConn football’s mentality, except UConn football, and thats the way they (we) like it.

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