[GAWKER] After a year-long study of male sexual performance, researchers have found that men with higher body mass indices last seven minutes longer than their slender counterparts. The decidedly unsexy reason: Fat men have more female hormones
Now these “researchers” are saying that hormone levels are what make us fatties last longer. When I think that every fat guy reading this (myself included) knows that the reason we might…uh…take longer is because we are playing a highlight real in our heads. For most average men, this includes past conquests or other select spank-bank imagery . But for fatties this moments in intertwined with past double-burgers and bacon grease sandwiches. I think Costanza was really on to something here…
SHANGHAI – McDonald’s inaugurated its first Hamburger University in China on Tuesday to train new generations of managers as foreign companies step up efforts to develop and keep Chinese talent.
“It’s because of China’s strategic importance to McDonald’s that we have chosen to have our new Hamburger University in Shanghai,” said Fenton. “We have to get ahead of the people curve.”
Hamburger U. Shanghai’s courses can be used in some cases to earn college credit and the company says graduates use such schools as a springboard to pursue college degrees.
“We will do our best to be the Harvard for our industry,” said the school’s dean, Susanna Li.
This is a school for fat kids. I couldn’t make this stuff up. You can talk “global innovation, revenue streams, synergy” ’til your blue in the face. But I know what this really is. Literally if I thought to myself, “Hmmm, what would I call a school that teaches people how to be fat? How about Hamburger University.” It would not even take an ounce of creative fiber to come up with that. But, not only does it actually exist, but “we” are putting one in China. Brilliant! Now I have to wonder what the class schedule will be like. You know there’s going to be some slacker only taking 12 credits, “Fountain Soda 101″ and “Advanced Burger Flipping Dynamics”. This is all new and interesting to a population not yet fully exposed to the wonders of processed buns and slabs of meat formally known as “cow rectum.” I bet those people don’t even know what a Big Mac is. Imagine how excited they’ll be when they have to write their “McGriddle Thesis.”
The Penn State football team has really outdone themselves with this one. “Thon” is a fundraiser at Penn State that raises money for Childhood Cancer Research. Not only is the football team supporting an excellent cause, but unlike the talent shows of my youth, the fat kid has a time to shine. Which would be #75, freshman defensive tackle Evan Hailes. You gotta love it when the fat kid can move.
Grand Slam. Free Breakfast. 820 Calories. 69 grams of (delicious) fat. Its a free breakfast, so don’t get on your high horse you judgmental bastards. And it’s called a Grand Slam…you know, for the sports fan (and the kids!). So, go on America! You’ve earned it, ’cause there is nothing more American than two eggs, pancakes, and bacon, all served under the flicker of florescent light. You’ll take your coffee just the way you take your democracy….strong and black*.
While fast food giants attempt to slim and trim their menus — like McDonalds’ with their fruit and yogurt parfait and Wendy’s with their Garden Sensations Salads — KFC, on the other hand, has no interest in helping us slim down. KFC has ‘doubled down’ on a new high-calorie fried chicken sandwich that is down-right ridiculous. The so-called ’sandwich’ consists of bacon, two kinds of cheeses and Colonel’s sauce between two pieces of fried chicken.
Well, congratulations America. You’ve done it again– invented a new, amazing sandwich for me to consume. I’m going to run out and try this thing immediately. I don’t really care for this Fox News Anchor-woman’s tone. Yeah, KFC went and replaced bread with fried chicken. So what? Stroke of genius—that means more chicken per cardiac-clogging bite. At 1228 calories, its like eating three Big Macs. This isn’t dangerous, it’s delicious. I imagine this is how Edison felt after the light bulb….incredible and never to be topped.
I found this on the web a few days ago, and decided it was freaking awesome.The current economic situation is effecting everyone (trips to the Dollar Menu), it leaves us with two options:
I choose laugh, and so do these people: YourFatChance.com First prize is like $5,000 and a trip for two, and second prize is $2,500 and a trip for one. All you need is tell them your “down on your luck story”…not heart strings here, just hilarity. Nothing like getting paid for being pathetic, right?
(If anything else, check out the huge pink-hippo, which might brighten your day). My Story? How after 5 years of college football I can’t see my toes anymore, and now I’m in a country I don’t understand and a language I don’t speak. What about you?
TheSmokingGun.com MARCH 16–The Peoria Pelter remains on the loose. A week after a McDonald’s employee was assaulted with a “hot greasy McGriddle sandwich,” Illinois cops have yet to make an arrest. According to a Peoria Police Department report, a copy of which you’ll find below, Patricia Munguia, 38, was hit in the face by a McGriddle thrown by a drive-thru customer angered that his sandwich did not include an egg.
Listen, food is not for fighting. Food is for eating. This angers me because 1, you shouldn’t waste perfectly edible McDonalds, even if wasn’t made to your liking. Any fat kid knows, eat it…THEN complain. So this is your fat white guy moment of the week, because anyone that assaults another human with a “hot greasy McGriddle sandwich” is obviously over three bills.
So why this week’s sign of the apocalypse?
Well, being in Europe has afforded me to look at America through the European cultural lens. If one more Austrian asks me if I wan’t McDonald’s I’m going to lose it. Listen up, Americans: They already see us as a nation of slobs (which I’m fine with) but we NEED to stop assaulting eachother with breakfast food. Any incident where (according to the report) the “victim needed medical attention due to assault by sausage sandwich” just isn’t good press. When people are reduced to fighting at Drive-Thru windows, violently hurling breakfast meat at eachother, well then it’s gone too far.
Well, some one finally did it. They’ve combined the two biggest problems in America (Booze and McDonalds) to make one amazing solution. I’m sure there are a lot of people who love getting drunk (I was in college once too). And of course with 6 million McDonalds locations nation wide, apparently people are also enjoying an occasional splurge on the Dollar Menu. The next logical step? Combine the two, for a wonderfully glutonous concoction.
Introducing: The McNuggetini:2 McNuggz (plus more for snacking)
1 tub McDonalds Brand Barbeque Sauce (plus more for licking off pinky finger)
1 lg. Mcdonalds Brand Chocolate Milkshake (plus more for bringing all the boys to the yard)
1 bottle Vanilla Vodka (recommended brand: Absolut)
Open the McDonalds bag. Eat one McNugg each, followed by two bites of the Filet-o-Fish (make sure you don’t tell anyone that you eat Filet-o-Fishes).
Mix three or four shots of vanilla vodka in the McDonalds Brand Chocolate Milkshake, followed by one shot each directly into your mouth.
Rim each martini glass with McDonalds Brand Barbeque Sauce. pour milkshake/vodka mixture into the glass. Garnish with a McNugg (which is to be swiped along barbeque sauce rimmed glass after the milkshake has been finished, and consumed with pure, unadulterated glee).Found at THISRECORDING.COM