Reunited…And It Feels Soooo Good

// August 16th, 2011 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

The FWG Network is proud to reintroduce a weekly feature that you all know and love. And no, unfortunately because of an ongoing legal battle with the folks at the commission for the preservation of decency and good taste, it is not the FWG’s swimsuit calendar. Apparently a bunch of fat white guys in Speedos is offensive to some people. Who knew?

But I digress…

Here, back for your reading enjoyment, The Weekly Signs of the Apocolypse.

*********************

Titans RB, and arguably the top fantasy option at his position(I would definitely argue) Chris Johnson, isn’t happy with his contract. It’s an understandable beef, seeing as how he is scheduled to make around $800,000 this year. By understandable, I of course mean reprehensible by normal human standards, but in line with how most of our sports stars, and their agents, overvalue themselves after a good season or two.

To be fair, Johnson’s salary puts him in the same tax bracket as RBs like Rock Cartwright and Derrick Ward, and he is looking up at Rickey Williams and some guy named Corey McIntyre, who the Bills pay $950,000 a year.

Just a guess, but maybe that’s one of Buffalo’s problems. They could have Chris Johnson, and enough money left over to buy coozies with built in hand warmers for all their fans, for what they’re paying some guy that I, a person who spends a redonkulous amount of time and energy on sports, has never heard of.

Back to Johnson. He isn’t just aiming to be the highest paid running back. Chris Bosh’s little cousin wants to be Peyton Manning paid. This is surely a sign of the apocalypse, as the only way Johnson could justify wanting as much money as a guy who leads a team of scrubs into the playoffs, acts as an onfield offensive coordinator, and has been doing both for years, is that the world is going to end, and he wants to have enough money to finish building his space ship.

Here’s a little back to reality bitch slap for Mr. Johnson.

You’re the best player on a bad team. You saw a 32% decline in rushing yards last year, despite only having forty two fewer carries. You also had 50% fewer receiving yards than 2009, even though you had nearly the same amount of catches.

You know what those numbers say to me?

That you didn’t give a shit last year. You were on a bad team, and weren’t playing with that same, fuck you mentality that we saw in 2009 when you had something to prove. Maybe you need a chip on your shoulders to throw your slight frame into defenders with reckless abandon, but the guys you want to be paid the same as? They show up every game, every season, and do it without needing to be doubted.

They’re franchise players, and men. They aren’t little boys who have one great season because they were pissed off at being overlooked, then demand to be paid.

If you really need money for that space ship in order to get out of dodge when the apocalypse comes, I suggest chopping off your dreads and selling them to a cancer patient.

Or just team up with Pacman Jones and Mike Vrabel to rob some banks, you wouldn’t even need to spring for those predator masks that Ben Affleck used in the town. You already have the dreads.

Steak Dinner Anyone?

// March 8th, 2011 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Jamarcus Russell makes the 2012 Pro Bowl.

Tiki Barber comes out of retirement after 4 years, and plays in the NFL in 2011.

Rex Ryan doesn’t make anyone uncomfortable in 2011.

Brett Favre doesn’t retire.

This is the only headgear we should see on Tiki Barber

One of those things is actually going to happen.

Doesn't she look like she wants to stick that fork in his ear?

Much like all the fools who walk around with Bluetooth headsets, when they could very easily use one of their hands to hold their phone (driving in a car is the only possible exception where I could over look the use of such a device), I now want to punch Tiki Barber right in his stupid face.

Barber stepped out on his wife the same way he stepped out on the Giants, choosing a cushy gig with NBC over football, and a taught 23 year old over his cushy wife.

The league bans players for using performance enhancing drugs, smoking weed, and playing with strippers, so why not ban them for being fair-weather assholes who use the league as their own personal fantasy camp?

This would have nipped the whole Brett Favre thing in the bud years ago. You retire, that’s it. No do overs. No backseys. We can’t force men like Barber to stay with their wives, or men like Favre to not send pictures of his junk to women who aren’t his wife, but maybe it is time, with the collective bargaining agreement negotiations, to put a stop to the waffling once and for all.

Here is my proposal. You retire, and decide you want to come back? Fine. But you have to endure every minute of hard work that the man, who’s position and playing time your ego is raping, endured while you were off being unfaithful…sorry..I mean being retired.

Nothing would discourage a man like Barber from attempting an ill advised comeback than actually forcing them to put in work. Barber knows he is a name, nothing more. And some team is going to throw him a contract, and a wheelbarrow full of money, that should have gone to the guy busting his ass everyday on the practice squad because all he wants to do is play the game that he loves.

I will be offering a steak dinner to the linebacker who re-retires his selfish, spotlight hogging ass.

——-CoreyMaloney   cjmalo15@gmail.com—-

Good Night Ms. Bliss?

// February 18th, 2011 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

So did anyone ever see Zack schtup Kelly?

They talked. They traded partners. They danced around the obvious. But did they ever actually christen any part of the Bayside campus?

Nope.

And you know what? They didn’t have to.

They created something great by not doing anything. It was subtle. It entertained us. And it caused us to develop palpable emotions about fictional characters.

Becoming something collectively, and individually recognizable, Zack and Kelly never crossed that line. Maybe it was simply a line that didn’t get crossed at 10am on a Saturday.

Regardless, over time Zack and Kelly built something. It wasn’t always great, and sometimes it frustrated us, but we could see its growth. We were all invested in it.

So they never let it end. They dragged its feet into the no man’s land of the College Years.

It’s like the NFL. It wasn’t supposed to work. They fixed it, changed its name and then, it did. It grabbed all of us and didn’t let go until we genuinely cared. Not just watched, but cared. And now that we do, now that we care more than anyone ever thought that we could, the NFL has us by the balls.

Make no mistake, more people care about football than ever before.

And the NLF wants to fuck the whole thing up by sending it off to college.

********************

We care now, and instead of just slow dancing, hands in a slightly errotic yet respectable place, the NFL wants to end the courtship early.

At the end of The College Years, Zack and Kelly finally get married.

The NFL wants us to front their ticket so they see that wedding. And then pretend they have no idea who we are when we approach them in the bathroom for a cigarette later. 

Because we have become so accustomed to dealing with Zack and Kelly, and their absurdly charismatic Sunday shows, we have mixed feelings.

But the more I hear, the easier it will be to forget, and the easier it will be RSVP to Jesse and Slater’s wedding instead.

Why I hate The Pro Bowl….And You Should Too

// January 28th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

If you haven’t noticed, we’ve moved all NFL Talk over to the new site: FWGNFL.com  and today, they have a post of the same name.   But here on Thoughts From a Fat White Guy I’m taking the same title, different direction.  You can find out why Jay and the crew hate the Pro Bowl by clicking here, but as for me.  Here’s why I hate the Pro Bowl.

Unlike the All Star break in MLB, where the game is a time welcomed by players to regroup and recover, and by fans that can break up the monotony of the summer stretch, the NFL’s Pro Bowl is stuck at the end of the season (or at least it was) in a time when no one really cares.  Before this year it was after the biggest night in sports, when it was about as relevant as, oh I don’t know, this blog.  Which for those of you keeping score at home, is somewhere between Division 3 women’s basketball and my entire football career.  Anyway, the players didn’t care, and neither did the fans.  All we knew was that it was in Hawaii, it helped tourism there, and there was alot of flowery shirts on the sidelines.

This year, they’ve moved the game to Florida, put it before the Super Bowl and exempted all the players that are playing in the big game.  Not to mention that 5 of the 6 QBs selected won’t be there, and we can watch the likes of David Garrard sling it.  I won’t even go on the moral tangent and how this hurts tourism in Hawaii, but, well,  it does.  Being selected to the Pro Bowl is an honor, but it better serves players in contract negotiations that it does draw fans to yet another NFL weekend.  You can’t suit up for an extra game, at the end of the season without it taxing the body.  Not to mention the rules on blitzing and all that crap, which makes the game about as much fun as watching paint dry. My vote is to make the Pro Bowl a fictional team, you know like the all decade or all century squads we see.  Its an honor to be selected, to be considered the best, and that’s the end of it, problem solved.  The issue is, that football unlike the other major sports, only plays a handful games.

NFL Conference Championship Preview: Indy Survives, Sanchez Shirtless, Kenny Powers at DE

// January 21st, 2010 // No Comments » // fwgnfl

AFC Championship Game

New York Jets at Indianapolis Colts, Sunday 3:00 pm (Spread: Indy -7.5)

As Dr. Frankenstein would say,” It’s ALIVE!” Have the Colts created a monster that can’t be stopped? That’s the feel I get when watching the Jets play the last 3 weeks. No one can stop their run game and no one can score on that stingy defense. The Colts were one of the main reasons that the Jets got into the playoffs after they laid down midway through the 3^rd quarter in their week 16 game. Will it work out for the Colts or will it blow up in their face? I expect the Jets to try and put a lot of pressure on Manning. (I feel like I am talking myself into picking the Jets) Sorry Jets fans its not going to happen. One simple reason, Peyton Manning. He is just too good. Yes the Jets will take Reggie Wayne out of the game, so what? This just means expect Dallas Clark to have a big game. I also think rookie WR Austin Collie will see a lot of targets and should get into the end zone at least once. So unless the Jets just signed two bears to their starting defense, the Jets season is coming to an end. (See below)

Bottom Line: Manning will guide the Colts to victory (and barely cover). Colts 24-16.

Side note:Just imagine the difference in these two franchises if the picks were flopped? Who says there’s no “I” in “Team”

NFC Championship Game

Minnesota Vikings at New Orleans Saints, Sunday 6:40(NO favored 3.5)

What a waste of time it was last week watching the Vikings and Saints lay the smack down on their respective opponents. The Cowboys and Cardinals shouldn’t have even showed up. Both looked so uninspired which is hard to believe considering it was the “elite 8″ of the NFL playoffs. Well, enough of that. This match up should be very exciting. The Saints are always fun to watch and Brett Favre is like a tractor beam, “Sucks you right in.” The Vikings defense played awesome last week and so did the Saints offense (something has to give). At times this year the Vikings have been susceptible to the big play and last week Drew Brews threw down field (15 yards or more) 9 times. The Vikings pass rush needs to put pressure on Brees and not allow the WRs to get down field. Does Favre have any magic left in the tank? I’m leaning toward the Saints at home. Greg Williams (Saints D-coordinator) called a great game last week and again will do the same.

Bottom Line: I’m going with another shootout, Saints win but Vikes cover bc Kenny Powers is playing DE for the Minnesota this weekend 31-28.

2010 East-West Shrine Game: Players to Watch

// January 20th, 2010 // No Comments » // Justice, Uconn, Uncategorized, wob

The College All-Star games are when a player’s stock has the most potential to rise or fall, as the speculation and evaluation gets harder with the 2010 NFL draft approaching. While the Senior Bowl is undoubtedly the most prestigious of the the postseason games, the East-West Shrine game is probably second — and is arguably the most important for mid-round players hoping to improve their chances.  With all 32 NFL teams in attendance, it is a week long showcase for players, so Jay and I are bringing you 5 players from each squad to watch…

EAST

1. Greg Hardy, DE - Ole Miss Rebels

Hardy is my number 1 player to watch on either team. Last year Hardy was supposed to be a 1^st round draft pick but he decided to come back to school. He missed almost half of the season with a few different injuries. Well now he is healthy and can show the NFL scouts that he can play at the next level. With a great game I think Hardy locks himself into being picked no later than the 2^nd round.

2. Blair White, WR - Michigan State Spartans

Former walk-on turned captain, Blair White, will have some questions to answer at the Shrine game. He had a great senior year with 70 catches for 990 yards and 9 TDs. The knock on White is that he isn’t that fast. He has great hands but will he be able to create space for himself at the next level?

3. O’Brien Schofield, DE - Wisconsin Badgers

Schofield was awesome for the Badgers this season. He had a great game vs. Miami in the Champs Sports Bowl where he recorded 2 sacks. He isn’t that big. He is extremely athletic and runs very well. Can he play DE at the next level? He may be in for a switch to a 3-4 OLB in the NFL.

1. Lindsey Witten, DE, UConn

Witten set the tone for pass-rushers in the Big East this season. He is tall and incredibly athletic, with good hands and an incredibly long frame. His brother, Donte Whitner, was the Buffalo Bills’ first-round draft pick out of Ohio State, so he has genetics in his favor. There are still some questions about his size and strength translating to the NFL in run-stopping situations, which has some scouts projecting him to play outside linebacker in rush situations as a pro. The Shrine game will give him a chance to showcase his toughness and speed and to improve his draft stock to the late second round.

5. Jarrett Brown, QB - West Virginia Mountaineers

At 6′4, 220 lbs., Brown has a great frame to play QB in the NFL. He is extremely athletic and has tremendous upside. He had an okay senior year, throwing only 11 TDs to his 9 INTs. He needs to show that he has the smarts to play QB at the next level. Can he read defenses and make smart, quick decisions? With a bad game he risks going undrafted however with a good game I think a NFL team will take a shot on him in the 5^th or 6^th round.

WEST

1. Max Hall, QB - BYU Cougars

Hall had a very good senior year as he led the Cougars to an 11-2 record. He threw for over 3,500 yards and 33 TDs. Hall doesn’t have a great body for an NFL QB. He stands just under 6′1 and weighs 200 pounds. Listen I don’t want to hear the Drew Brees excuse. (How Brees stands only 6′0 and weighs in around 210 pounds) He is an extreme exception to the rule

2. Joe Pawelek, LB - Baylor Bears

Pawelek was a monster for Baylor. He had over 100 tackles the last two years. The big question with him is his speed. Does he have what it takes to run sideline to sideline in the NFL? He has good instincts and with a good game I can see him being drafted in the 3^rd or 4^th round.

3. Dennis Pitta, TE - BYU Cougars

Pitta really has a chance to climb up draft boards here. Everyone has Jermaine Gresham from Oklahoma as their top rated TE but after that the rankings are up in the air. With a good game, I can see Pitta climbing up the rankings board and securing himself as the 2^nd rated TE.

4. Darrell Stuckey, S - Kansas Jayhawks

Stuckey played well for Kansas this year. He doesn’t have great size for a safety but he is very versatile and isn’t afraid to help out in the run game. With a good game, I think Stuckey can improve his draft stock and move up into the 2^nd round.

5.  Chris Brown, RB - Oklahoma Sooners

Brown’s stock really dropped this year. In 2008 he had 1,220 yards and 20 TDs. In 2009 he only totaled 749 yards and 7 TDs. Now, all of that is not his fault. The Sooners lost their Heisman trophy winning QB and their offensive line was banged up all year. Brown will probably be a 6^th or 7^th round pick in the 2010 NFL draft but with a bad game he runs the risk of going undrafted. Brown needs to run hard and show that he can play at the next level.

Jay’s 2010 NFL Playoff Weekend Recap….Pats Blew It, You Knew It

// January 11th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

For those of you unfamiliar with Jay, The guy was like 80% on NFL Bets this year.  Which is why I’m celebrating by eating steak, everyday, for the entire month of January.here was his intro post from last week.

Here’s Jay:

Cardinals outscore the Packers, 51-45

This was by far the most exciting game of the weekend. Just take a look at some of the offense numbers in this game: 62 first downs, 1,024 yards of total offense and 96 points. This was such an exciting game to watch. Arizona came out quick, taking a 17-0 lead into the second quarter. Give credit to the Green Bay offense as they just kept plugging away to keep themselves in the game. They scored 21 points in the fourth quarter to force overtime but not before Arizona kicker Neil Rackers had a chance to win the game with only seconds remaining on the clock. His kicked hooked way left giving the Packers life. With no defense being played on either side of the ball in regulation, go figure that in overtime the game ended with a sack and fumble return for touchdown by Karlos Dansby. To be honest, at times it seemed like a 7 on 7 drill or that maybe the defenses were only playing with 9 guys on the field. The star of the show was Kurt Warner. He was 29 of 33 for 379 yards and 5 TDs. He had more TD passes than incompletion. With all of the talk this week about this being Warner’s last game, he went out and put on a show. After that performance I hope that he decides to come back because he is an absolute treat to watch. His counterpart wasn’t too shabby either. Aaron Rodgers threw for 422 yards (a Green Bay playoff record) and 4 TDs. These are the games that I love to watch. A straight shoot-out with great plays being made all over the field.

NFL Wild Card Weekend Part Two

// January 8th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Minnesota, Uncategorized

Jay Says….

UConn And The NFL Draft

// May 1st, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

Do you know how weird it is to go to bed on one day, wake up the next and your friends call you telling you they are millionaires. Alright, well that wasn’t the ENTIRE conversation–but it did come up once or twice. The 2009 NFL Draft marks the most significant moment in the UConn football program since the change from IAA to Division I Big East play.
Since Alfred Fincher and Dan Orlovsky in 2004 we (UConn) have been searching for an identity. Are we the little program that could or do we belong in the debate with USC, Michigan (pre Dick-Rod), Notre Dame, or Oklahoma. The slow trickle of NFL talent out of Storrs and into the league in the last 5 years has made the answer (to those outside of Connecticut) a resounding “No.”
In a blog during this past season (Your Questions, Answered!), I wrote “Fight Club” style about what it meant to play for UConn:
UConn Football does not care what others think of UConn Football. UConn Football will keep doing UConn Football until due credit is received. Even then UConn Football is not satisfied. UConn Football does not sleep, UConn Football waits until next Saturday, when UConn football can again prove the haters wrong. Only UConn Football knows how important and talented UConn Football is. Only those inside UConn Football Know how hard UConn Football works. Only UConn Football’s opinions matter to UConn Football. (I am Jack’s Smirking revenge)
What it meant to “silence” the haters and stay focused on our task in the face of little to no media respect (thanks Lou and Mark!) as well as the slew of other insults we endured.

Downtown Donny Brown:
The new face of UConn football in the NFL. I tried to get a hold of Don for this blog (I mean, what coud be more important than this?)–but hes a busy guy. I did get a chance to talk to his Dad a while back and he said that the neighborhood kids were coming to their house asking for old shoes and shirts and having a few, “is Donny home, can Donny come out and play?” moments. Let me tell you one thing. After for years with Don, what you see is what you get. Believe the hype, he is as humble as he is talented. The Colts have picked an outstanding young man.

Cody Brown:
Despite my predictions to Cody that he was going to end up at Buffalo and no one was going to want to go to his games but me, he ended up with the Cardinals. The Arizona Cardinals have picked one of the best athletes in the nation, who possess not only the physical gifts but the kind of personality that goes about his work quietly and efficiently. Cody didn’t really talk to anyone for his first 2 years at UConn, focused on doing his job and that was it. His high school teacher, Ms. Halliday confirms that Cody was always “a quiet storm.” CB called me when I was in Spain (I told him he’d have to pay for the $3.00 a minute charges) and he was ecstatic about his new adventure.
Darius Butler:
I think New England has a new favorite son. Darius is an “athlete’s athlete.” 43 inch vertical? Why not. Big Bill over at Foxborough better know that he has one of the fastest and most ferocious players on his squad, not to mention a man of integrity and discipline.
William Beatty:
It is a well documented fact that I hate all offensive linemen, but its hard to not like Will. The kind of kid that will hold, scratch, claw, and generally annoy you during the whistles, but gently trots back to the huddle for the next play. A disarming niceness and “matter of fact” type humor that can only make you laugh. Like the time I walked in my house (a few miles off campus) to find Will sprawled out on my couch, watching “A Bug’s Life” –which he just ordered On Demand. “Uh, Will–what are you doing here?”
“Watching A Bug’s Life…wanna sit down.” That is Will in a nutshell.

The Fans.
I cannot say enough about the fans of Connecticut Football. My time as a player at UConn (how weird is it to say that) was made enjoyable by the small things the fans did. Warming up in our end zone as we yelled, “gotta be perfect today, gotta be great.” and the group of 10 or 15 who were there to cheer on the D-Line. Or the Husky Walk where Daniel Narvesen would be there, the last hand I’d shake before going into the locker room. Maybe even the people that stopped at our dinner table at Outback (a post game tradition) and congratulated us on doing a “great job” or even a “we’ll get ‘em next week.”
This exposure and success with the players and program is a testament to you, so here is a heart felt “thank you” from me. You made my choice (and my teammate’s choice) in UConn a wise one.

New York Times: Donny Brown For President!

// April 22nd, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Insert your “what can Brown do for you” pun here. Donny Brown–a fantastic individual, as the New York Times reports:

RED BANK, N.J. — In the weeks and days leading to the N.F.L. draft, a typical prospect may spend his free time thumbing through catalogues featuring fancy sports cars, gaudy jewelry and high-priced houses.

Donald Brown, who was the leading rusher in the country last season with the University of Connecticut, has spent much of his time in the last few weeks going through hundreds of essays written by high school football players seeking to attend a mentoring conference that Brown has organized.

A lot of people say, you’re not even in the N.F.L. yet, why are you doing this?” Brown said during an interview last week at Red Bank Catholic, where he went to high school. “It’s because I have a platform and the resources, so I might as well use them. I wish I had this opportunity when I was growing up. I would have been the kid sitting in the front row, wide-eyed, listening and taking notes.”

Read the rest HERE