Posts Tagged ‘nhl playoffs’

The Timeless Tale of Two Goalies

// June 15th, 2011 // 8 Comments » // Uncategorized

Stanley Cup Finals Bruins Canucks HockeyOn Monday night, it was the best of times for Tim Thomas. Roberto Luongo on the other hand? Not so much.


As he has done all series long, The Boston Bruins net minder kept his mouth shut and answered his doubters with another spectacular performance, leading his team to a 5-2 Game 6 victory over Luongo and his beaten down Canucks. In the wake of Roberto’s idiotic attempt to get in the head of the Bruins goalie, Thomas could be seen doing backflips on his water skis.


After insulting Thomas by attacking his style of play, Luongo proceeded to give up three savable goals in the middle of the first period before getting yanked for Boston College alumn Corey Schneider. Now Luongo has to take his greasy, Jheri-curled mullet back to Vancouver where the fans and media are waiting to strap truckloads of pressure onto his shoulders. Just like the source of Roberto’s new nickname learned earlier this week, “Lebron”go discovered it’s not what you say, it’s how you play.


Stanley Cup Canucks Bruins HockeyAnd contrary to how it has been scripted so often in past wins on enemy soil, the Vancouver fans won’t be upset at the Boston players if they end up hoisting Sir Stanley’s Cup on their home ice Wednesday night. They’ll be calling for the heads of the Sedin twins and Luongo will be put in a pod and promptly launched into space (they have one built specifically for this reason). Vancouver might be known for having the nicest people on the planet, but when it comes to hockey, all bets are off. British Columbia has a version of the Meadowlands and their own shady burials, with 90% of the shallow graves dug following hockey disputes (see Journal of Canadian Science – Fall Issue 2002).


If this were a movie, Luongo would be comparable to the dumb-witted Rocky Balboa always sticking his foot in his mouth. The atypical hero who shows flashes of brilliance but for the most part, no one has the least bit of confidence in. Thomas would of course play the part of the stone-faced Soviet Ivan Drago, an impenetrable, machine-like force ready to pummel a clearly outmatched opponent. If Game 7 was taking place on the set of a Hollywood Studio, Luongo would finally draw blood from the stoic Thomas, which would bring Roberto and his Vancouver teammates the much needed confidence to overtake their enemy during the climaxing scene of the film. But this isn’t a movie, and Tim Thomas doesn’t bleed. He’s an unflinching, oddly flexible zombie whose favorite pastimes are stopping pucks and eating brains.


If Tim Thomas can bring a victorious performance with him on the plane to Vancouver, Roberto Luongo will become the Canuck version of Bill Buckner, and every Canadian citizen will get a chance to personally tar and/or feather him. If that happens, Luongo could only pray for a trade (preferably to a team within US borders) and could never return to the beautiful province of British Columbia without acquiring a really convincing fake mustache.


Unlike his flappy-mouthed counterpart, Tim Thomas isn’t feeling the least amount of pressure. Right now, Thomas’s pondering thoughts are closely mirroring the lasting words of Dickens; It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known…if I can take the Cup back to Boston.


Prediction - Bruins overcome the crowd noise and Luongo’s psyche ends up cracking like that stupid egg you were supposed to protect in high school to prove you could raise a kid.


Final - Bruins 3 – Canucks 1 

—–Seth Newton



Weekend Recap: The Change Up Edition

// June 6th, 2011 // 9 Comments » // Uncategorized

Normally I’m against remakes, rip offs, re do’s, or whatever else you want to call them.

But when you take Ryan Reynolds, an underrated comedic actor due in large part to his propensity for posing without a shirt on, which isn’t funny, and add in Jason Bateman, brilliant in Arrested Development, to put a new twist on Trading Places, I’m in.

Even when the plot revolves around the two guys peeing into a magic fountain.

In honor of a rip off I can get behind, I present The Change Up edition of the Weekend Recap.


Stanley Cup Canucks Bruins Hockey

Tim Thomas and Brett Favre apparently peed in that same fountain.

The Bruins lost Game 1 of the Stanley Cup finals with eighteen seconds to go in the 3rd period. It was a tough way to lose a game that they had dominated, but it pales in comparison to how Vancouver beat them in Game 2.

Tim Thomas, a gunslinger goalie who hates staying in the net to begin with, transformed into Favre just before overtime. It is the only way to explain why he was halfway to the blue line eleven seconds into overtime. The play was eerily similar to Favre’s interception to keep the Vikings out of the Super Bowl in 2010, where instead of playing it safe and going for a field goal, Favre threw across his body and into the arms of Tracey Porter.

They were both plays that didn’t need to be made, and both cost their team the game.

It’s hard to call Thomas out, but for every great sprawling save, there is an ill advised trip out of the net that makes Bruins fans cover their eyes. The difference between Aaron Rodgers and Brett Favre, other than possessing class and dignity, is that he knows when to hold em, and he knows when to fold em. Favre doesn’t know when to walk away, or when to run.

As a Bruins fan, I hope that Thomas hides his money a little better tonight, when he’s sitting in the net.

Cause if they go down 3-0, the series’ done.


You know who else found their way to that fountain this weekend?1g9m87em56

Dwayne Wade and Michael Jordan.

There has been a lot of talk about Lebron being better than MJ. I don’t like to gossip, and I ain’t Scottie Pippen, so you ain’t heard that from me.

Last night it was Wade, not Lebron, who took his game to a Jordan-esque level in carrying the Heat to a hard fought win in Game 3. He couldn’t be stopped. What made it so special was that he knew it.

Like Jordan, he was demanding the ball and delivering when he got it.

Like Jordan he was calling out his teammates, including Lebron, when he felt that they had let him down.

No one, I repeat no one, will ever be better than Jordan.

But for one night, Wade channeled Jordan. If it happens again, the Dallas Mavericks are in trouble.



Speaking of Lebron.

Last night my girlfriend wondered why Lebron was sitting down against the padding at the base of the basket, while the ball boys cleaned up a spill.

“Does he really need to sit there like that?”

The only answer I could think of, after watching Lebron act like Kobe Bryant every time the whistle blew was, “He’s a dick.”

It may seem like harsh criticism, but is there anything more dickish than showing up some guys trying to clean up a spill, so he doesn’t slip and crack open his egomaniacal skull?




The folks in charge of the French Open peed in the fountain with someone who doesn’t care whether you watch their event or not.

I’d comment on the French Open Final, but those arrogant Frenchmen televised the final match at 9am on a Sunday morning.

There are very few things that would be worth getting up at 9am on a Sunday for. A guy with a robotic personality, hitting balls at a guy who never loses when playing on orange dirt, isn’t one of them.


Astros Mets Baseball

I learned something very startling this weekend, and I feel that I should share it with you.

The New York Mets peed in that magical fountain with an actual baseball team.

It’s true.  They got uniforms and everything.


Another County Heard From

// April 20th, 2011 // 8 Comments » // Uncategorized


I remember watching the Patriots repeatedly pummel Peyton and the Colts in the early 2000’s on our way to a dynasty. I watched as Pedro tossed Zimmer to the ground at Fenway, and remember staying up late as we finally took a dump on The Curse of the Bambino, raising that trophy in 2004, and again in 2007. I was at the Garden for the Finals when the Celtics took the elevator from their comfy seat in the basement up to the penthouse and raised that 17th banner.

As far as the Bruins, the past couple years have been filled with an incredible amount of disappointment. They go through the regular season just like the one before it; veteran tough guys mixed in with some flashy young guns to produce a high seed in the playoffs. But, as any hockey fan knows, seeds in the NHL playoffs are like bikes with no wheels; they serve no purpose. Time and time again, I see my hometown Bruins come into the playoffs with a high seed and then get shut down by a team we considered inferior. This year’s opening round match-up between the Bruins and the Canadians seemed to be following that same trend, up until last night when the Bruins finally realized they had to put the biscuit in the basket in order to win the game. The series is currently 2-1, and I would bet my 2004 Chevy Trailblazer in need of an oil change and a serious detail, that this thing will go 7 games.

This series is about two teams having a genuine hatred for one another. I’m not talking about a “He hooked up with a girl I used to hook up with” kind of hate. It’s more of an “I’m going to take your face and put it through a glass window cause you stole my daughter like Liam Neelson in Taken” kind of hate. Hockey players are tough SOB’s. When they get their teeth knocked out, they throw them to the bench and play on. When they get a stick in the face, they apply some crazy glue and play on. To me the difference between hockey players and say basketball players, is that hockey players play the sport, while basketball players play the game.

This rivalry has been as hot as Brooklyn Decker for as many years as I can recall, but this year is different. The Bruins are desperately trying to catch that wave of momentum that ends with a shave and a nice chug of Bud from Lord Stanley’s cup. The Canadians, who find a way through the playoffs year after year like a mouse in a maze, are using Zdeno Chara’s end of the year hit on Max Pacioretty as their motivation of the series. It seems like the odds are against the B’s. Tim Thomas is suddenly human, those young guns aren’t scoring, the old veterans aren’t hitting anyone, and our best player can’t drink enough water to stay hydrated. But don’t count out the Bruins. As a lifelong New Englander, we bitch and we moan, but we never lose the faith.

It seems like every time a Boston sports team is in contention, reporters go with the old “this team carries the same heart and grit that the people of Boston carry everyday”. If this was true, we’d be celebrating on Duckboats around Charles River every couple of months. The NHL playoffs is about getting the job done. No politics, no all star treatment, and no ESPN special announcing what mouthpiece you decided to use for Game 1. Simply put, whoever puts the puck in the net more times than anyone else, wins. This kind of simplicity has been lost in sports over the years, but if you’re looking to go back in time, tune into Game 4 of the Bruins/Canadians series and you’ll see a one of a kind rivalry built on pure competition and determination. Amidst the thousands of belligerent Canadian assholes you will undoubtedly see when the camera moved around the arena, you will also see a playoff hockey game the way it should be played, and hopefully- a Bruins victory.

—-Boston Brian

Caps Fan Encourages Violence to French Canadiens

// April 18th, 2011 // 12 Comments » // Uncategorized

There is not a Capital fan (well over the age of 5) alive who feels comfortable with a 2 game lead. Five times the Capitals have had 2-0 playoffs series leads and LOST 4 of them. The New York media has done a pretty good job making sure every swinging Richard knows that stat. Bad news for the Rangers though cause last time I checked Sidney Crosby played for Pittsburgh.  That’s a story for a different day.

The Rangers do have some talent. Sean Avery and Brandon Prust are pretty talented players. They are experts at cross checks after the whistle, glove rakes across the face and generally being little filth merchants. Ok, I know you’re all saying. “What about Dale Hunter? You Cap fans love Dale Hunter and he invented the role of playoff pain in the ass.” His cheap shot on Pierre Turgeon makes Avery and Prust look pious. To that I say, dirty hits on French Canadians don’t count.

See.  Wasn’t that fun?  On to Game 3. The Rangers wanted it more today. Busted their ass all over the ice and got the result. Brandon Dubinsky gets a shit game winning goal and to make it worse he is rocking the Ron Jeremy porn stash to maximize his doucheness.

michalneuvirthbuffalosabresvwashingtonjcr-7tnskcnlQuestion, does Michal Neuvirth know its ok to leave the goal? Does he think if he plays the puck the ICE unit is going to deport his ass back to the Czech Republic? After 2 solid games in Washington Neuvirth looked a bit shaky today. The Capitals could have thrown a dagger into the heart of the Rangers with a game 3 win, taken all the momentum and put the club on mega tilt.

But no; terrible penalty after penalty haunted them today. The Ranger’s power play is pretty good and when you give them 1 and TWO man advantages its going to catch up to you. Now game 4 is a must win for Washington, the Caps can not give the Rangers hope of a 7 game series. Tonight the Caps need to shoot, shoot and then shoot again on Lundqvist, might help to run him a couple times as well. Maybe get him rattled a bit, and for God’s sake move Boyle out of the crease. I understand the guy is a human mountain but get his ass out of there.

I thought the no-goal just before the end of the second period was a gift. Looked good to me but I guess the brain trust in Toronto saw it differently. Figured that would take the steam out of them but the Rangers played well in the third. I would say the physical advantage went to New York in this game and most of the time that leads to good results. The Caps need to start getting the puck deep, and then fore check the shit out of the New York defense. The Capitals defense on the other hand, well if Jeff Shultz plays professional hockey there is hope for us all. This guy sucks, your 6ft 6″, weight 250lbs and you play like a little school girl. Bad enough we have Nancy Green out there but two Marys on the defensive lines is too much. Dennis Wideman (if you can hear me) get back soon.

Ok enough bitching, it’s just one game in a 7 game series right? Things could be worse. We could be the Bruins….OOOoooo the humanity.

—-Sean The Caps Fan

No Crosby, No Malkin, No Problem

// April 16th, 2011 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

The FWG continues its series of inside looks at the NHL Playoffs.  This edition comes to you from Zach Stahl and Matt Leonard, two die hard Penguins fans who used to play a little hockey themselves.


Life and energy are back in Pittsburgh as the Penguins are making their 5th straight playoff appearance. Although the normal star power won’t be there with captain Sidney Crosby and forward Evgeni Malkin on the shelf, the penguins are winning with great goaltending, mean and aggressive defense, and much appreciated hard working players like Max talbot and Tyler Kennedy. Not to mention the master mind coach Danny Bylsma. If it’s one thing Bylsma knows it’s winning. In just 3 years with the Pens, he has a ring and two more playoff appearances. The Pens may be lacking in the scoring department without Crosby and Malkin, however; with great dedication, hard work, experience , and the hunger to win; this group of kids have a great chance to make another deep run in the race to Lord Stanley’s Cup.

2006-12-03-stlouisComing into the Playoffs, the Pittsburgh Penguins were red hot winning eight of their last ten games, with their power play starting to click. The Pens drew a first round matchup against the high powered offense of the Tampa Bay Lightening. With 99 point getter Martin St.Louis , sniper Steven Stamkos , and captain Vincent Lecavalier, the Bolts shouldn’t have to worry about putting the puck in the net. You can’t forget the veteran tender between the pips Dwayne Roloson who has already won a cup. I think it’s fair to say that this number 4 vs 5 matchup is going to be great one.

The Pittsburgh Penguins, without the two headed point monster of Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin, have not shied away from the challenge of overcoming the adversity at the most crucial time of the year. For the Pens , Bylsma has Letestu in the middle between trade deadline pickups Alex Kovalev and James Neal. On the second line he has Staaley in the middle of Kunitz and the hard working Tyler Kennedy, who as of late, has be producing points any fan would be proud of. Running the 3rd line is Talbot in the middle, flanked by Dupuis and Chris Connor. article_16351_2

When the game gets physical the Pens rely on the hard hitting of Mike Rupp , Aaron Asham , and Craig Adams. Holding down the blue line is Carrerr, high point getter Kris Letang, Brooks Orpik, Pauly Martin, Mechalek, Lovejoy and Niskanen.

In between the pipes is the highly entertaining Marc-Andre Fluery. Fleury was the team’s MVP which is well deserved considering all the injuries the Pens have faced, and his superb play late in the season.

With the combination of hard work, great coaching, and solid goal tending on both sides of the ice, this 4 vs 5 match up should be a fun high paced enjoyable series!