Posts Tagged ‘red sox’

Weekend Recap: D…E…D…Dead Edition

// October 24th, 2011 // 10 Comments » // Uncategorized

For the first few weeks of the football season I had been putting out pieces on Fantasy Football entitled, Dear Mr. Fantasy…and then something clever about the subject matter.

When I started losing games (three in a row to be exact), I discontinued the column.  No one wants to listen to a loser, and even less people want to listen to someone bitch about how poorly THEIR players performed in Fantasy Football.  It’s like bad beat stories from a poker table.  No one cares except you.

Then I started winning again. Rattling of a few wins in a row gave me the confidence to un-retire Mr. Fantasy.

I envisioned a Monday morning post that would see me back among the league leaders, and looking like a genius for some savvy reshuffling of a roster.  But after my performance in Week 7, Mr Fantasy liked Brett Favre, should have stayed D…E…D….. Dead.

This was my Week 6 Roster;

QB Andy Dalton (picked up because Rivers and Hassleback were on byes, and I had dropped Josh Freeman)

RB Darren McFadden

WR Miles Austin

WR AJ Green

Flex Earnest Graham (picked up when Blount went down with an injury)

TE Jermaine Gresham

K Neil Rackers

D Baltimore

On the bench was Felix Jones, Tim Hightower, James Jones, Malcolm Floyd, Mike Williams, Brandon Pettigrew, Rivers, and Hassleback.  Dalton and Graham would become expendable in a few weeks, giving me the ability to pick up some free agents to cover bye weeks, and after getting back to .500, I was pretty proud of myself.

During Week 7, I continued to shuffle. I dropped Andy Dalton for Jackie Battle, and Felix Jones in favor of DeMarco Murray.  Then I dropped Mike Williams for Victor Cruz and Malcolm Floyd for Darrius Heyward-Bay.  Williams was a non factor for Tampa so far, and Cruz has been Eli’s go to WR.  Jones was out 2-3 weeks and Murray would see a Lindsey Lohan sized bump in carries.  Heyward-Bay seems to have been possessed by Al Davis’ ghost and was actually starting to play up to his potential, while Battle was rumored to be the featured back for the Chiefs now that he was healthy.

Adding those players to Rivers, who would eventually remember he was good, McFadden, who hopefully wouldn’t forget he was good, Miles Austin, who was now healthy and poised for a big season, and Baltimore’s D?  I was thinking playoffs.

Then I got a little carried away.

All the talking heads around football were saying that Graham and Battle were better options than Murray.  In some cases it was a slim margin but the consensus was start Battle over Graham, and Graham over Murray.  In my deluded mind that made Murray expendable.  So I dropped him.  And picked up David Akers.  That’s right.  I dropped a starting RB for a kicker, so I could drop Neil Rackers before his bye week and use the empty spot to pick up another position player.

So I gave up 250 yards and a touchdown for a kicker who was on his bye week.  Fuck me.  I scored 35.36 points and without 75 points from Baltimore’s defense, I’m going down, and I’m going down hard.

It doesn’t help that Rivers and Austin combined for 10.66 points or that McFadden left early with a foot injury, but I have no one to blame but myself.

My hot hand on the waiver wire went cold, and Mr. Fantasy’s playoff hopes are looking D…E…D….Dead.


I hate the Yankees.  If not for the self loathing connotation of a tattoo that said so, since Yankee also means a person from the North who can read, I would have it emblazoned across my chest.

But despite that hatred, I have found a few Yankees over the years who have won my respect.  Derek Jeter and Joe Torre.  Ok so it’s not a few, it’s a couple, but get over it.

Now that Torre is leading the charge to crucify the Red Sox for drinking during games, and trying to ban beer from all Major League clubhouses, he is just as D….E….D…Dead to me as all the rest of the boys in pinstripes.

Really Joe? Didn’t you manage David Wells? Who pitched a perfect game shit faced? Didn’t  a Red Sox team that beat your Yankees in 2004 admit to pounding shots of whiskey to stay loose?

Now you want to sit up on a high horse and condemn beer drinking.  Was this all some master plan that you concocted seven years ago?  Have you been biding your time, waiting for a high level position in baseball, and waiting for the Sox to screw up so you could exact some revenge?

The Joe Torre who won my respect would never be so petty.  And he would also never condemn a practice like drinking beer.

So the only rationale answer is that Joe Torre is in fact, dead, and being possessed by some Republican fun hater.


We Don’t Have Enough Time!!

// September 16th, 2011 // 9 Comments » // Uncategorized

2009-12-31-jackbauerThe quote, by the immortal Jack Bauer, can easily be applied to both the Red Sox, and Rays, as they play Game 2 of a pivotal four game series tonight.

After keeping pace for the first few months of the season, the Rays dropped back just far enough to stay out of the AL East spotlight.  They seemed destined for one of those 82-80 seasons that you can’t love or hate.  Let’s call it a ‘kissing your sister’ season.

After starting August with a loss to Toronto, the Rays were 56-52.  With sweeps against Seattle and Kansas City, and then taking five out of seven against Toronto, the not so devilish Rays finished August 74-61.  That’s an 18-9 record for the month for those of you that are math-retarded, and it allowed them to climb within a punchers chance of the wild card race.

By all accounts they were too far behind in points to win a decision, but they were still in the fight.  If their opponent gave them an opening, they could still land a knockout punch.  But with only a month left in the regular season, and those opponents being the Yankees, and an uber-talented Red Sox team who were eight and nine games up in the loss column respectively, it seemed like the Rays would run out of time.

Even as the Rays went 9-5 through the first half of September, with five wins against the Red Sox, one could almost see Joe Maddon grabbing Evan Longoria by the collar and screaming “We Don’t Have Enough Time”.

The Red Sox finished August in first place with a 83-52 record.  The struggles from April had long since been forgotten, and the playoffs couldn’t come fast enough.  But injuries started to pile up, with Josh Beckett going down with an ankle injury, and they suddenly looked a lot like the April version that had Red Sox nation creeping toward a ledge.

So far in September, the Sox are 3-11.  More troubling than the abysmal record is how they are losing.  In the 11 losses they’re giving up an average of 7.27 runs per game.  Pitching like that isn’t going to have much success in the playoffs against offenses like Texas or New York.

24e062_bard_01282010Set up man Daniel Bard’s last month and a half are a microcosm of the Sox.  Bard, who is being groomed for the closer’s role once Paplebon leaves, was considered one of the most reliable relievers in baseball.  So far, in September, he has taken five losses and seen his era jump a full run from 2.10 to 3.11.

After losing last night to the Rays, the Sox have seen what appeared to be an insurmountable lead, dwindle to 3 games.

One  may ask how the quote applies to the Bad News Sox, who began the season as many people’s World Series pick, given that they seem determined to gag away the 2011 season.

There are only thirteen games left in the season.  After they play three more against Tampa Bay, if they can manage to win two of the next three, or even just one, they would escape the series with a lead, they play seven of their last ten against the Orioles.  Tampa, on the other hand, plays seven of ten against the Yankees.

So with Josh Beckett returning to right the ship, and a favorable schedule the next few weeks, Francona should be tearing his way through the locker room, red in the face, screaming at his team, “We don’t have enough time to blow this”.

Silently every Red Sox fan is thinking that, while we may not have enough time to blow a shot at the playoffs, we also may not have enough time to right the ship and avoid a sweep once we get there.

2-10 to start the season didn’t worry me.

3-11 in September, with a Devil hiding in a blue jersey hot on their heels, and I’m officially worried.

I apologize for being distracted by football the last few weeks, but you’ve made your point boys.  You now have my undivided, and panicked attention.


The Weekend Recap: Derek Jeter Edition

// July 11th, 2011 // 8 Comments » // Uncategorized


I met Derek Jeter once.

I was out at a club, one of only three times this has happened since I’ve lived in Manhattan, and he was in one of the VIP rooms. My girlfriend at the time, a Red Sox fan, and all her friends were trying to pretend they weren’t gawking at him.  They were so entranced that none of them even bothered to argue when I muttered, “He’s not even that good looking”.

The truth is that despite being a heterosexual Red Sox fan, it was hard not to stare at the man. There was just something about him. The combination of jealousy, wanting to reestablish my manhood, and a love of random wagers forced me to challenge my girlfriend.

“50 Bucks says you won’t go up and say ‘Yankees suck! Go Red Sox!’” She scoffed and quickly accepted. Two minutes later when she returned to our table, I extended my hand.

“I’m not giving you shit.” This reinforced my theory of never betting with girls, unless there is something involved in the stakes that is mutually beneficial, like sexual favors or dinner.

After doing the lion’s share of the work finishing off the bottle of vodka we had been required to order, I decided I was going to go and pick up my lady’s slack.

“Hey man,” I extended my hand. “Just wanted to say thanks. You won me 50 bucks.” Jeter smiled, shook my hand, looked me square in the eye and said,

“Can I get half?” We both laughed and I walked back to the table feeling a little dazed. What had just happened? Why hadn’t I told him that the Yankees suck? I sat back down and collected my thoughts while the girls at the table looked at me, silently asking ‘Well?’

“Fuck that guy is cool.” It was all I could say.

As I watched Jeter blast his 3000th hit over the left field wall on Saturday, I couldn’t help but feel the same way.

I hate the Yankees. I hate their fans. I hate their new gaudy stadium that isn’t set up with watching the game in mind. I hate the way that the Red Sox are lumped in with those white devils just because we spend lots of money. But somehow I have never found a way to hate Derek Jeter.

The reason?

I love baseball, and no one has been a better exemplification of all that is good about baseball than Jeter. Many Red Sox fans claimed that they couldn’t care less about Jeter hitting 3000. By the way, the fact that he did it with a homerun, in a game where he went 5-5 and drove in the winning run, only reinforces the fact that he is cool in a way that most of us don’t even get to be in dreams. The reason that everyone should care is simple; It is one of the last times we will ever see a milestone like that.

Nolan.jpgHomerun records don’t mean shit anymore. No pitcher, in the new and improved nervous nelly era of low pitch counts, will ever get to 300 wins again. Pete Rose’s 4,256 hits are safer than virginity at a Star Trek convention. No one is going to come close to Cal Ripken’s or Joe Dimaggio’s respective streaks, and no one will ever come close to replicating what Nolan Ryan did. If you don’t know, you need to do your homework. The guy was throwing 100mph past the age of 40, even after a twenty seven year career.

Jeter might not be the last player to eclipse the 3000 hit mark, ARod could come close if he stays healthy, but Jeter did it without any performance enhancement, under the brightest lights on baseball’s biggest stage. It could quite possibly be the last clean milestone we ever see.

Whether you are a Yankee fan, or hate the very air that they breathe, you have to appreciate that. Jeter was so talented, and had such a good work ethic, that a lifelong baseball scout told the Yankees not to worry about signing him. They had been worried that he might attend the University of Michigan instead of joining the Yankees.

“He’s not going anywhere, except right to Cooperstown.”

That much potential, and yet he remained humble, working his ass off every day for seventeen years. It is the kind of story, and the kind of career, that even a Red Sox fan has to tip his hat to.


Jeter is so loved, and so respected, that the man who caught his 3000th hit, rumored to be worth upwards of $300,000, didn’t want any money. He just wanted to give the ball back.

While I would have given some serious thought to selling the ball, if there’s one man in all of baseball who has earned the right not to have his history hocked to the highest bidder, it’s Derek Jeter.

Congratulations to one of the best to ever play a game.

Hopefully you have all of October to relax, hang out with Minka Kelly, and enjoy the enormity of your success.


Weekend Recap: Super Terrific Happy Hour Edition

// April 25th, 2011 // 8 Comments » // Uncategorized


“You’ve, uh, you’ve been living in America too long. You’ve forgotten what it’s like to have no oranges.

The last few weeks have been pretty tough for Boston Sports. In honor of  finally remembering what it is like to have oranges again, I present the Weekend Recap: Super Terrific Happy Hour Edition.


The media was all over the Red Sox when they were Bad News Bears-ing to a 2-9 start. Every edition of Sportscenter, Baseball Tonight, and every sports talk radio program in the Northeast was praying on the insecurities of New Englanders by posing apocalyptic questions about the baseball season. And we bought into it.


Not because we believed the season was already a washed up child TV star (aka lost cause), but because New Englanders believe that the best way to prepare for an emergency is to keep as much panic and self doubt stocked up in the cabinets as possible. We present a negative front in order to make it that much easier when we are let down.

If you check back, when I have mentioned the Red Sox, which hasn’t been often, I bitched and moaned, but never quite jumped off the bridge.

Now that we have gone 8-2 in our last 10 games, including 5 in a row, I’m happy to say that I had been living in the moment as a baseball fan. As I said, still complaining, but in a regular baseball fan way. My never ending supply of faith after 2004 is still intact and I even managed to avoid saying that our season, and all of our off season spending, were for naught and we were destined for the bottom of the AL East.

Maybe the New Englanders Anonymous meetings are starting to pay off.

Now if we could just find some steroids for Carl Crawford.


In a land with no oranges, good guys finish in tears on the bench.

I wanted to give Brandon Roy a hug on Saturday. The poor guy has had his knees shredded, seen his playing time cut (somehow the Blazers always seem to thrive when their best players are hurt), and even broke down publically about his diminished role.

But through all that, the man stood tall. He apologized to his team for being a distraction and promised it wouldn’t happen again.

Not only did he make good on that promise, but he had one of the best 4th quarter playoff performances in history.


The Blazers, down by a million points late in the 3rd quarter fought back and beat the Dallas Mavericks. Roy wasn’t on the bench watching, he was leading the charge. He was once again his team’s best player and once again leading by example.

Good for you Brandon Roy. You earned everyone’s respect, and more importantly, I think you earned back some of your own.

And good for you Dallas. You earned your reputation of always choking in the playoffs.


In the land where there are no oranges there is also no playoff hockey.

If you haven’t gotten on board yet, do so immediately.

Monday and Tuesday feature three game sixes and two game sevens, with the possibility for three more game sevens on Wednesday.

Playoff hockey is like a high stakes game of Jenga, played on ice. The action is nerve shattering in the best possible way. Trust me, it took me a while to fall in line, but now that I have, my scraggily beard has a purpose and I can actually find Versus on my cable box.



Did anyone see Chris Paul bitch slapping Kobe last night? Ok, so it was more of a metaphorical bitch slap but hell-a entertaining nonetheless.

In a land with no oranges Kobe Bryant wins another NBA Title.

After Kobe and the Lakers took control of the series in game 3, it seemed like the Hornets were donezo. But last night Paul carried his team to victory last night in a must win game against Bryant’s Lakers. He got bloodied. He got back up and barked in Kobe’s grill. Then he started destroying people.

Crossing over a helpless Andrew Bynum, when they switched on pick and rolls, before knocking down fade-away jumpers. Making his teammates, who are among the weakest in the playoffs (ignoring the 76ers and Pacers), look like capable NBA players with his precision passing. And as the shortest guy on the court he totaled as many rebounds as Bynum and Pudding Soft Pau Gasol.

Paul even said he would hit his mama if she was out there on the court against him.

The only thing better than Paul’s performance?

Seeing Kobe on crutches.


In a land with no oranges the Heatles sweep their way into the second round.

The aforementioned 99 cent menu roster of the 76ers, apologies to Jrue Holiday who is definitely the five piece chicken nugget of the group, pushed Miami to a game five on Sunday.

Philadelphia was down 4 with a minute to go.  They fought back with some clutch three point shooting by Holliday, and some guy I had never heard of before. This is great news because no one wants the Heat to win, and the longer their opening round series goes, the more likely they are to get worn down as the long grind of the playoffs continues.

Plus as a Celtics fan, there is no bigger orange than being able to rest while your second round opponent has to keep playing.


Speaking of the Celtics, in a land with no oranges we trade away our starting center and drift aimlessly through the last few weeks of the regular season, causing us to question whether we can even survive the first round.

After completing a sweep of the New York Knicks, the Celtics looked reenergized. Maybe this team needs the playoffs in order to care. It is not a mentality that I condone, but with such veteran leadership, perhaps they have learned how to turn it off and then dial it back up again.

Every game featured a different player leading the way and most importantly, Rajon Rondo remembered that he can destroy almost every point guard in the league. Especially ones named Toney Douglas. He is the key to the Celtics making a run at their 18th banner, and he seems to have learned from Pierce, Allen, and Garnett how to elevate his game when it matters.

Chicago and Miami have to keep playing and we can use the extra time off to get players, like Shaquille O’Neal, back for round two.

On second thought, now that I’m back living in a land of oranges, and no longer sleeping in a chest of drawers, I don’t want to be relying on Shaq for winning anything, except maybe a pie eating contest.



Sox Yankees Game, and a 9 Year Old Taught Me More About Life Then Life Did

// April 7th, 2010 // 4 Comments » // Uncategorized

sox-yankees-jj-warrenWent to the Sox Yankees game last night.  Where I met the most remarkable 9 year old of all time, JJ Warren of Winchedon, MA.  The full story on the experience is over on and on but a few other thoughts from the game….

Final Thoughts:

A Fenway Frank is basically a pig’s unmentionables sandwiched between two slices of cake.  It might be the most perfect food ever…invented/assembled.fenway-frank It’s not natural for “bread” to melt like that, but it literally dissolves in  your mouth, or your palm if you’re not careful.  I actually believe that on the 8th day, God said “Here, eat this, and wash it down with an ice cold beer….”

Navigating the men’s bathroom at a baseball game is a pretty good metaphor for why you should never drive drunk.  It’s a bunch of guys, all trying to maintain, shall we say “professional distance” from one another, navigating a maze of urinals at high speeds, trying to act sober.   The world’s greatest charade, all choreographed in silent internal narration, “You got this, you got this….” If you can’t speed walk in and out of a restroom after consuming your fill of beer then chances are  you shouldn’t think about getting in a car.

Is This Guy The Worst Sports Fan Of All Time?

// April 6th, 2010 // 10 Comments » // Uncategorized


Gerald: im a huge duke fansoi love it!!  yanks are defending champs, duke is nat’l champs.   just neeed the G-MEN to win the super bowl and the hurricanes to win the BCS

me:  are you sitting first class

Gerald:  for what?

me:   on the bandwagon

Duke, Miami Hurricanes, Yankees and the Giants?  It’s like the perfect storm of yuppie-ness.  I bet he really likes the Black Eyed Peas and Crazy Town too.  Going to the Red Sox v. Yankees game tonight.  Pics and Vid tomorrow.

Jacoby Ellsbury Declared By Nike To Be The Best Athlete Of All Time?….NOT SO FAST

// March 9th, 2010 // 5 Comments » // Justice, Uconn, Uncategorized, wob

So according to this, Ellsbury’s  “SPARQ” rating is 102.31 which, is a little bit of a convoluted calculation if you ask me, but go ahead and try it here (using Nike’s SPARQULATOR!) I’ll refrain from tackling the whole “this is simply a marketing ploy” by Nike angle, because the whole corporate America thing is played out.  But I will say this, the means of measuring Ellsbury’s athleticism are by no means widely accepted as the standard by strength coaches and professionals around the United States.  Sure, the vertical jump, 5-10-5 and 30 yard (and 40 yard) dash are measures of speed, power, and agility, but Nike is using a measuring stick that is wildly inaccurate.  First, the “jump pad” (which is used to measure vertical leap by calculating the time he leaves the pad to the time he lands) is easily manipulated, which is why every “real” evaluation (including the NFL combine) doesn’t use this method.

Read the full analysis over at

Hat Tip: [Barstool Sports]